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Big Mistake


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#1 _Dirt_

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Posted 13 February 2012 - 09:00 AM

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I need your help regarding a matter of urgency, My age is 23 and I live in UK, a small town on the outskirts of London. About 6 months ago, I was dating a girl from my local Gurdwara. We had been dating for about 3 months when we decided take our relationship to a physical level. We decided to sleep together and the whole occasion ended very badly. Our relationship also didn’t last very long after that and we finished, but the problem came just last week when she told me she is pregnant. I was shocked by the news but decided to do the right thing and asked her to marry me. What came next was a complete shock to me, she told she cannot marry me because she is already married and her husband works in the US. There is no way she can say the child is his because he has not come back to see her over the last few months.
What should I do??

#2 NamoSarab

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Posted 13 February 2012 - 11:16 AM

Well, let's state some obvious points.

Firstly, you shouldn't have been having a physical relationship before marriage anyway... and even if you did, you should have used protection. It sounds like because you slept together, it was that what led to the eventual end of the relationship.

You didn't know about her being already married, although I find that hard to believe. I mean before you go out with someone, don't you check them out or have mutual friends in common to go to and find out?! It might be easy to say it's her fault for not telling you... but it's also your fault for not finding out yourself. You go to the same Gurdwara, how could you not find out things?!

I don't know what advice you are looking for here. The right thing to do, you know yourself. Keep the child, face the music, go pesh (if you have taken Amrit) and accept whatever comes at you now.

But beware:- it might not only be her life that's destroyed, it will be her entire family's, her husband, his family, any current children they might have and also yours. Expect disaster! But time is a healer and you will only have peace again when Maharaj decides to give it to you.

If I was in your position... I would tell my parents first with the utmost humility. Don't answer back. Just take their harsh tongue and juthiyaa. Then, when they eventually have calmed down, get their advice. You also need to convince the girl, if she isn't already, that abortion is NOT an option. Can you live the rest of your life with death of a baby on your conscience? You might think you can... but we don't control our minds or our conscience as well as we like to think we do. The girl needs to tell her husband before she tells anyone else. She should not disclose your ID until a few days down the line after he has slept on it else he most likely will backlash and you could be in danger if he reacts as badly as I would in these situations. What happens from then on will be down to the couple.

You made a HUGE mistake... but the bigger mistake is hers. She cheated on her husband and led you on thinking that something could come of your relationship. You will have to face the music... but she will go through MUCH worse and rightly so. Whatever you do... be practical and clever about it now. Don't let your emotions control and guide you else she will get to you and manipulate the situation to her advantage. She deserves what's coming to her. She cheated on her husband but she also cheated you. There's names women for like that that I don't want to use on this forum.

Good luck

#3 _._

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Posted 13 February 2012 - 02:43 PM

Waheguru.

#4 _KopSingh_

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Posted 13 February 2012 - 02:54 PM

Sangat forum members

I need your help regarding a matter of urgency, My age is 23 and I live in UK, a small town on the outskirts of London. About 6 months ago, I was dating a girl from my local Gurdwara. We had been dating for about 3 months when we decided take our relationship to a physical level. We decided to sleep together and the whole occasion ended very badly. Our relationship also didn’t last very long after that and we finished, but the problem came just last week when she told me she is pregnant. I was shocked by the news but decided to do the right thing and asked her to marry me. What came next was a complete shock to me, she told she cannot marry me because she is already married and her husband works in the US. There is no way she can say the child is his because he has not come back to see her over the last few months.
What should I do??


small town outside london? it wouldn't be luton by any chance would it? thats where im from, horrible crappy town.

also, damn i dont kno wat to say, this is so finely (or horribly) poised that a wrong move could have horrible consequences. but if its any conselation, she is in much bigger trouble than you are, she's married, a baby growin inside and a wrath frm her husband/in-laws and her own parents is expected. but unfortunatly with this particular masla (problem), u HAVE to do something quick, becasue her belly is only gonna get bigger and like u sed it cant b her husbands, since he aint bin around 4 a while.

all the best tho.

#5 singher23

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Posted 13 February 2012 - 08:54 PM

I'm assuming you are opposed to an abortion right? Good. Next step is to tell people. Tell your parents. Tell her friends. Tell everyone so she CAN'T get an abortion, because the life of the baby is at risk right now. Worry about everything else later

#6 _Dirt_

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 02:41 AM

Thanks to all the people who have replied,

I’m just feeling really low at the present time and I have spoken to my friends and my older brother about the situation. They have told me to talk to her and arrange what is going to happen. I just can’t think straight at the moment and it’s showing at home. Every time I have tried to call her, she doesn’t answer her phone and one of my closest friends did suggest her to terminate the baby as she is only a month in her pregnancy. I don’t know what decision she is going to take. I’m not Amritdhari but she is married to one, her in-laws are very influential on the Gurdwara front and may not agree with her decision but seems like I don’t have any say in the matter.
About my parents, I have spoken to them and they did give a ear full, I just sat there and took as I was at fault in every way as her and I’m not looking to shift the blame all on the girl.
I’m just looking to do the right thing but the right thing in my eyes may the wrong choice for her. I can’t do anything till I speak to her and then can move from there.

Thank you.

#7 _tere chaped maaraan_

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 04:17 AM

Just make sure she isn't lying about being married, or about being pregnant. Don't be too sure its your child. Ask for a DNA test if needed. What you did is a horrible mistake, you slept with a married woman (even if you didn't know), that too one who was married to an Amritdhari. Its good to see that you're atleast taking responsibility for your actions, but don't become the sole victim as I think she is more at fault here for getting into bed with someone much younger (23) than her husband. So yes, take responsibility for your action, but don't become an undue victim here. I repeat, make sure she was married and that she is pregnant. Don't fall for such traps, and promise yourself you won't do this again.

#8 _KopSingh_

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 07:02 AM

how can she be married to an amritdhari, and not be one herself? i thort amritdhari cn only marry each other? im confused, maybe shes lieing.

#9 scooter

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 07:51 AM

Firstly
Dude i tell you , you had relationship with Amritdhari singhs wife. Thats the worst thing that can heppen to you. If that Guy is serious in Bhagti and is right , then you don't know , in how many of your janamas , you have to pay for that.

Secondly
According to my assumptions , i think boy knows both the girl and her husband. may they are known to each other. So point that She is lying is false. Now she may lie about pregnanacy, But then how can she be sure that this child belongs to boy not his husband unless her husband has some problems.

I know its both fault but i have seen that girls who are sexually deprived from husband , often tend to have relationship with young guys. I know because it happened with me once. But only thing which stopped me was that , what is the fault of his husband. so i stopped and never seen that lady.

But those type of Girls often are extra cautious about using protection , so i don't know how can this happen .

But one thing is sure that you are in serious trouble because if she does abortion then you will be punished with dealth of child in courts lord and if not then your life is ruined.

You may get saved from people by running but you will not be saved from GOD.

The only solution you can think is that , tell her husband , ask for maafi , get her divorced and marry her. Then your this janam will be unbalanced but next janamas will be ok.
Othwise dude you can be in the same situation as that girls husband is in next janams

Is the Girl Indian or mame

#10 Avtar95

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 09:24 AM

I'm assuming you are opposed to an abortion right? Good. Next step is to tell people. Tell your parents. Tell her friends. Tell everyone so she CAN'T get an abortion, because the life of the baby is at risk right now. Worry about everything else later

i thinks that a bad way of doing tell the parents and tell her to tell her husband.



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