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Problems with in laws


Guest Kiranpreet
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Guest Kiranpreet

I have been married to my husband for almost 2 n a half years. It was an arranged marriage. But still for some reason my in laws don't like me. She would just assume things and make everyone else believe in it. I have always respected my in laws even when they were rude to me. I have never been loud or used any words that will make them feel that I don't respect them but still they are so rude to me and my father in law uses bad words for me and my husband, never in my 2 n a half year marriage they have respected me. Even now I am always polite to them. But they never try to understand my feelings, I was pregnant and was working every day they would tell me to do all the work and never felt bad for me. I was still doing everything they wanted me to do. They do path and yet hurt my feelings everyday. I m a human too. My husband even talked to them but they never listen ,always try to make me feel like I have no emotions , they just value money , they don't like when my husband and i go somewhere together. They don't like when I want to go see my parents or talk to them.

I m very stressed and cry every day,I never thought of moving out but the mental torture I have been getting here is making me sick. I had a miscarrige few days ago and still doesn't look like it matters to them. My husband wants me to do their seva, be polite, respect them, even if I have to kill my feelings because that's our kartavya towards them. What I can't stand is them using bad words for me , making everyone hate me.

But it's getting harder and harder for me to respect them , I don't like talking to them , they never accepted me in their family after our wedding . They were okay before our wedding but don't know what happend to them. I tried talking to them but they won't tell me. Sometimes I want to end my life. I m very depressed, I don't know what else I can do to make them like me. I have tried doing everything. If I don't want to live In this atmosphere With them is that going against guru's teachings? I m in a very stressful situation , losing a baby is very depressive but I know god does Everyhing for a reason. But how do I spend my life in this atmosphere. I can't even pay attention when I m doing paath. I listen to gurbani and gurbani tells us to always respect parents and even if they are your in laws but what about when they treat you bad? Please help me !!!

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penji sorry to hear that you are in this situation. yes we should respect our elders, but there is so much respect you can give. if they are being like this with you now, it will probably carry on until it will harm someone. that someone being you, and you should do something about it now. you have lost your baby and if you feel you cannot cope you should ask for help from somewhere.

the doctors are a starting point, for what your loss. also talk to your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. there is no point in pleasing and hiding your emotions if it is affecting you, as in the future it may get worse and harder for you to deal with.

maybe suggest your own place but nearby to your in laws, so you are not completely away from them. this way you have your own space and also they can visit or you and your husband can visit them.

if both in laws are not treating you right, if it was me i would ask my mother in law like i would my own mother, what is wrong, and to say what the problem is. tell her how you feel, it may make a difference, or they may not be aware of what they are doing.

the father in law using those words is not right, tell your parents. Guru Amardas ji gave women equal rights, so they would not have go through suffering. this does not mean be higher than men but on same level so as to receive the respect where due.

do simran, but you have to ask for help yourself to get out of situations like this. keep your mann strong from within and always think waheguru is with you, which they are. there is a group which maybe able to help.

obviously you do not want to break away from the family and try your best to do the right thing morally but maybe talking to a counsellor from there will help you. there number is on their site.

Waheguru twada bhala kare,

http://www.kaurageous.com/kaurnect

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The immediate respone in issues such as these "you should move out", and I don't think breaking up a family is always the best choice, but in this instance maybe you should? If the problem really is at the in-laws end, and you and your husband have done nothing to provoke this kind of behaviour on their part, then possibly it is time to move on BUT without any recriminations or bad blood, i.e. so you won't get accused of "taking their son away from them". Leave on good terms and I guarantee they'll change their stance. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so maybe all that's needed is a bit of space betweeen the warring parties, and the in-laws will come to realise you weren't that bad in the first place? That's if they have an ounce of sense; if not then that's their problem I guess.

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Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh ji

stick it out penji :) Maharaaj is with you, He will see you through.

if you move out, every reletives going to be talking...your inlaws will make out you're to blame. and then the stress on your mum, dad, family...

things will change penji over time. your new in the house, slowly they'll adjust...your sassoo ma has probz been watching too many dramas, shes just trying to show you whos boss.

my sister had the same issues with her inlaws...they see sense with time.

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

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Guest Double Edge

The traditional patriarchal family structure has been redundant for a long time. There is a long standing tradition of abuse being passed down from daughter in law to daughter in law. The abused, as much as she swears she wont, often becomes the abuser. A new daughter in law comes into the home with hopes, dreams and aspirations, and the mother in law becomes bitter and jealous. "Who does this girl think she is?" she asks "Why should she have an easy life when I have struggled through mine? why should her dreams come true when none of mine did?"

The son is caught in the middle. He is duty bound to his wife but indebted to his mother, and feels helpless in the middle. On top of that you have society and the system telling us that elders must be respected and we must live with them. I would have to respectfully disagree. While I agree that we can never repay the debt to our parents (especially our mothers) for giving us life, if we do not challenge the cycle of abuse then we are complicit through our silence. If women are so territorial that they cannot live in the same space, then better to live separately. Why live in an oppressive and unhealthy atmosphere? who does that help?

People will talk, but that's what people do. Some elements of the community are like crabs. Put crabs in a bucket together and you don't have to worry about them escaping. The grab onto each other and wont allow each other to move. The crab doesn't seem to care about escaping itself, it is more determined to prevent anybody else from getting away.

I would say that do the right thing for yourself, and for the mental and emotional well being of your child. If you are now (or soon to be) a mother yourself, then you have a duty to that soul now. Mahraj has blessed you with this gift, it is your responsibility to nurture and protect it. If that child grows up and asks why you did not do what was right for his or her well being, I guarantee you "I had to respect my in-laws" will not be a good enough answer for you or for the child.

Think of the bigger picture, think of the future of your won family. Be strong, make a stand.

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I agree with double edge, respecting your in laws shouldnt mean that you should suffer in the process. Look at moving out with your husband. Personally i have been in a similar situation and moving out was the best decision ever.

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I am very sorry to hear about you loosing your baby. May waheguru ji bless you with enough power to go thru this terrible experience. Try not to loose your moral ground regarding respecting elders but however don't let anyone try to cross the line.

Moving out as suggested by many members seems like a good way to be out of such negative environment.

Moving out does not mean that you have trouble at home. Those days are long gone when moving out of parents home means a taboo in our society. Good is that your husband is with you and I hope that you both make 'moving out' decision together. If financial is the reason of staying with parents, then adjust and compromise with your lifestyle to afford house/apartment etc.

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  • 5 months later...
Guest pamji

Penji I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby.even I was going through much the same situation.my mother in law made me work alot and yet she complained saying I never did any work.i am a very sensitive person..I was very caring abt her my father in law and brother in law...and one day she yelled at me saying I care only about my husband...its a torture being disrespected...I am probably not in a situation myself as to suggest something...but next time you get pregnant be strong and tell them to keep a servant..a baby will make ur life happy and worth living for...

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  • 1 year later...
Guest khalsa84

I am in exactly the same situation and although very sad it's ironic as it really is a phenomenon in ou r community. As no matter who the person is the scenario is always very simular. Territorial about the kitchen area along with others they won't u to do everything despite being a full time worker and a mother... but yet they complain saying y don't do a good job. U cook even though u haven't got enough time in the day only to be told they don't like eating that type of food. Or that there's too much haldi or loon in it. Cleaning u have to do but then your told the house is still dirty. They are never pleased..... then they get angry at us when we want to move out... I can't take it no more and want to scream mm mm mm that's feels better. Do simran keep your mind attached to gurbani and u will get through as long as u and your husband stick together and do the best for u and your kids... what ever decision u make will be the right one. Wjkk wjkf

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