Westernized Sikh

[Surjita]

Hello to everyone,

I am new here, and decided to ask for your help. I am a white woman, involved with a Sikh man. I've met him in India, since he was my driver 4 years ago. In the begining everything was fine. I moved to India to be with this man.

I've met his family, he is one of 3 brothers, these people ( 4 adults and 4 kids) are very nice, they treat me like a family member, we see each other almost every day, I love them with all my heart.

Unfortunately I have a few issues with the "driver". This man is the only one "westernized" Sikh in his family- no beard, no turban, no bangle...he switched from Sikh look and tries his best to behave like a western man

Why?- he claims he gets more western tourists. OK, whatever...

Here is what brings me trouble, and I don't know anymore what to think about him:

1- he refuses to speak English with me, although if he wants to, he is capable of doing so ( I don't know Punjabi well enough)

2 -he limits himself to saying to me "hello" in the morning and "hello" in the evening.

3 -he never says my name, instead he calls me "yes". It really gets on my nerves.

He says my name very rarely, he never introduces me properly to people we meet at functions etc

4 -if he says something, he speaks Punjabi and he is laughing in my face( I suspect he is telling some nasty stuff, just to boost his ego(?), make me upset...if I ask what he said, he laughs even more, this attitude drives me mad, why he does it, I have no idea).

5 -he is always grumpy, silent, even to his family members - he orders everybody around. I do not let him, so maybe because of that, he barely talks to me in English.

6 -he is very materialistic, it looks like he stays with me only for money ( when he droved me around Rajasthan etc, he requested " a big tip").

7-when I give his family a gift, he says "Sikh people never take gifts". What is wrong with whom? Me or him?

Any suggestions what to do with this man? I love him, although I question myself what for? He says he loves me very much and he asked me to marry him. But witnessing all these things I listed, is this real love? I am scared. What future will look like, if he does these things now?

Do Sikh men behave like that towards women? I really doubt. I know another Sikh families and I never saw this kind of behaviour. Or maybe he does it because I am a white woman?

I am gettting more and more confused, frustrated. I try to improve this relationship since 3 years, but he gives me impression that he is oblivious, and there is nothing wrong with him.. If not with him, what then is wrong with me?

I am not a talkative type of a person, I do not talk too much, I even keep quiet for hours and hours,

(he seems to like it), which is not healthy, but I am loosing my patience.

Am I missing something what is in Sikh culture? How the women in Sikh families behave? Are they always quiet, obedient, doing what they are supposed to do, without blinking their eye? I am pretty often with his family and I see how women behave-they are repectful towards their husbands, but they have a right to express themselves. I love this culture and religion, that's what keeps me still with that man.

I am trying my best, but maybe I miss on something. Your help will be very appreciated.

[Guest Surjita]

Hello Preeet,

Thank you for your reply and your kind compliment on my name. I choose my name with the help of "driver's" sister-in-law.

Now, serious stuff - you suggest to change the driver? Easy to say :no: .Your suggestion could be useful for someone else. But I am afraid this is not a good solution for me.I still have hope.

You probably know women - my heart is not willing to just leave this man. You say he may be shy? Can he be shy to such degree that he is not even saying my name? (I am not mentioning the rest of my concerns right now).That is very strange to me. He does not have memory loss either, because he remembers lots of his customers names ( both women and men). I am totally puzzled and sad. I want to be with him, but does it make sense? Will he change when we get married?

[Surjita]

Hello Preeet,

Thank you for your reply and the compliment on my name.. I have this name for a while, i chose it myself.

Going back to my dilema - you suggest to change the driver? That is man's quick decision. But unfortunately not mine. I can't throw all my feelings out of hte window, just like that...off they go. We, women can't be so brutal.

I want this relationship to work, because in the beginning it did worked. Maybe he is shy, but to be tI doubt it is shyness. I still have no answer.

I can see that he has strong feelings for me, he is not shy to say he loves me. He takes good care of me, he keeps me safe, he protects me, he wants to do a lot for me , he also cooks for me ( and with me)delicious food ...at that time and on many occasions we have a wonderful time. I do myself a lot to keep him happy, too. He gives me indication that he sees it - one smirk on his face, this gorgeous smile...

Although even if I tried to tell him on a few occasions ( I do not nag him ) what l would like him to change, he says " I see" and there is silence. Believe me, it is tough.

His family is very good to me, they watch what happens and give me hope and encourage me not to give up on him. But because they do not speak good English, I am not able to get to the bottom of my driver's issues. I do not push for it, because I assume his family keeps these things to themselves and it is very personal. I respect this. I feel I am stuck and won't be able to change his attitude. Gosh, I am so frustrated...Sorry, my post may seem like I am venting, but hopefully someone had a similar experience and would be willing to help me.

I will be more than grateful. Thank you.

[MisterrSingh]

I know of a foreign-born Punjabi girl who fell in love with her Punjabi driver when she went over to India with her family for a visit. Against her families wishes she insisted they marry. Fast forward 4 years and he leaves her with 3 kids, never to be seen again. Lesson: Don't fall in love with your driver.

It's a holiday romance - a one-sided one by all accounts - so best to leave it on the holiday and come to your senses.

[buddasingh]

Your description of his behaviors and your relationship ring like alarm bells to run from a potential disaster. Did you intend to describe him as a chauvistic, woman hating <banned word filter activated> who sees you as an object?

Much of the globe still breeds a culture of sexist men. India probably leads the way. Indian men are generally raised with the sophistication of cavescum when it comes to having respect for foreign women.

At best you are expressing frustration causing you to exaggerate. However your descriptions paint the profile of a creep too well.

Demand respect. Respect yourself first. Love from a place of power before a place of need or vulnerability.

Tell him what bothers you and that it is not acceptable and that if it does not change you leave, and do leave if you don't get respect. Communicate in a manner that ensures you don't jeapordize your safety. Only then will the right thing happen.

Btw, he is not a Sikh. A Sikh does not change appearance to cater to westerners. Are you still a western tourist to him?

You deserve far better. It is almost embarrassing commentary on Punjabis that we've kept sikhi so racially segregated. But this relationship does not sound anything like the Sikh way on his part. Sorry for being a bit direct. Best of luck.

[singhbj singh]

I am going to give opinion based on human psychology.

If you two are having sex but don't understand each other than its time to

move on.

Irrespective of religion you should look for a husband on a matrimonial sites with similarities like culture, language, education, age, hobbies. The type of relationship you both have don't work in the long run.

[Guest married girl]

That seems to be my husband word for word and yet we have been married for 15 years, simply because my priorities are different. I enjoy my one on one time with him. I don't spend much time thinking about the negativities.

Yes some families and some people are just like that. They like making fun of you. Some men just are not able to make good introductions - lack of skill - or just not bothered or they just don't know the importance of it to the woman involved.

Any way you do not benefit anything from putting your grievances on here. You need to have a discussion with your partner about how much it bothers you and if he can be more sensitive to those issues in the future.

Communication in the relationship is important as it can help him to see what you expect and how he is letting you down.

Depending on the response you get, decide whether you can put up with it or not.

You are emotionally involved so - you are in love - that's when things get even more trickier as you may find another person but you cannot love all equally.

You may find another person with all the good qualities - but your heart simply is not there.

As for him being modernised - cutting your hair does not necessarily mean that you are modernised.

He is only modern in his looks not in his ways which are still traditional. Nothing wrong with that - but it is hard to change people. You will eventually have to learn to accept some parts of people and push it at the back of your mind where you stop looking at it so often if you are to be happy in this relationship.

[Guest Jacfsing2]

This dude is just being rude, (I'd say leave him, but you can keep the driver part if he's ok with that).

[simran345]

Lol @ chamkila

Surjita ji have to checked his family background, the 4 adults etc, are you sure he isn't married or engaged elsewhere? You have to do your enquiries too, in order to see he is not just using you to get abroad.

Sorry if this offends you, but you must take into consideration all this, as people tend to change also when they get abroad. For your sake, hope he is not taking that advantage and all goes well.

Or the other thing is, his nature may just be like that, he may not like talking much, or like to express his love in public. But that's for you to decide whether is it what you want and something you can live with? It's very difficult to change somebody quickly if they have been set in their ways for so long.

[Surjita]

Well...I submited my post yesterday, but it is not here.

Anyway, last night I had a chance to talk to "my driver". He was pretty reluctant, but in the end this is what I heard: he was spending vacations last year in France and this year again in France and in Spain with women who paid for his trips. That is interesting. I don't want to know why they invited him and were willing to pay minimum $3000 for his 3 week trip. Why he did it?

He had audacity to blame me that I was never intimate with him, so this is what he said: "I can get rich western women, l don't need to get married, l get all for free!!!". How shallow.

Please, anybody tell me that Sikh men are not like him!

He was hiding all these "adventures" from me for the last year, and finally I got the cruel truth.

Interesting how he was willing to accept this kind of gift as a Sikh man? He did not like gifts given by me , from my heart.

I am really hurt...