Jump to content

buddasingh

Members
  • Posts

    1,244
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    1

Everything posted by buddasingh

  1. AKaur very well put. 'Gori'? ...and the significance of that identification is what? If there is no room then the men should go sit in the washroom if a mother needs to breastfeed. WhIle there hang our heads in shame. A hungry baby being fed by her or his mother is sacrosanct. The fact that mothers resort to the washroom in multimillion dollar gurudwaras is another example of Sikhi, the epitome of equality and class beyond chivalry being hijacked by a backward mentality chasing paper dollars. It would not take much more than a multipurpose room which may already exist that offers courtesy to a hungry baby and mother. If need be there should be a dedicated room. Sikhs by definition must not merely meet equality class and chivalry in the modern world but must lead and exceed. If that's not our understanding then we have no business defacing Sikhi to make it our mere social club.
  2. Possible lots of pertinent facts missing from your description. What do you mean by your husband ‘felt insecure and brought me back here’? If your husband was to post here, is that what he would say? If not, what would he say? You state that all you wanted was to study at a foreign university and you put all your efforts into that. You make it sound as if his citizenship was what you refer to as your wings. You suggest he married you to satisfy his ego. You make your marriage sound like a business transaction on both your parts. Were you both deceptive in your reasons for marrying each other? How, specifically, were you cheated that you can not love him any longer? You can not love him because of the country you are living in? Cheating is deception. What was his deception? Get a second opinion on the anti-depressants. They may assist if you are highly prone to depression, genuinely suicidal, or your circumstances are far worse than described here. In many cases they are prescribed too readily by many dolt status chasers who pride themselves as doctors but are too stupid to use their brain. Find one of the 5-10% of doctors that actually have brains and query as to whether you need the meds or can safely wean yourself off. With respect to your wings, if circumstances are causing your opportunity to be curtailed, don’t help that by giving in. Stay strong. Flight is not just sunny days. Part of flight are challenges of headwinds and even storms. If you are ambitious, studious and hardworking, then apply those strengths to staying strong. Those qualities are not ones that can be taken away from you. Your path will evolve with time and opportunities may arise for you. Exercise your body and mind as a sikh should. Our minds can write a script that does not entirely exist and then make it a reality. This can be negative or positive. Does your husband feel cheated for marrying him to fulfill your dream of studying at a foreign university? Is that his script? Are there qualities that you see in your husband? Can you use those qualities to communicate your own needs to him?
  3. Mister Singh bro always wise. Warriors insight with sarbat da bhalla and personal responsibility. Great post to contemplate.
  4. What is the relevance of him being gay? Would it be OK if he wasn't gay? What hes doing regardless of his sexual orientation shows that he lives in his racist bubble. We should not be responding by showing we live in a homophobic bubble. There is a chance that he's baiting a particular response and we're walking right into it and losing all credibility at the outset. He should simply be called out for being ignorant, immature, and a clichéd racist. We also have to be dynamic and a step ahead in dealing with these things. We (not you OP or posters here) have a tendency to simply be up in arms amongst ourselves at every instance of insult. We are gifted with laughing in the face of death. Surely social media won't hurt us. We bring equilibrium or justice from a place of calm power not offended sensitivities. Trace the sources. You are correct, attempt to educate this person. If that does not work who is his employer? Who are his Facebook supporters? These people and their superficial circles fear bad economics amongst other things. I'm sure we can get their attention in numerous ways to re think what is funny.
  5. I may appreciate his knowledge, but also abhor racism or casteism. They are both a primitive form of thought. There is no shortage of both amongst punjabi's and those claiming sikhi. Kudos to mods for understanding the issue and not wanting to tolerate this. It is in line with Sikhi to speak against racism/casteism from the rooftops. However, as Sikhs, and moreover as Sikhs that lead or represent in any form, such as mods on this forum, we must also maintain the highest standards. Banning, disagreeing, stipulated rules are fine. However, if we accept someone as a member, then leaders must lead to bring others up, not put them down personally. As for racism/casteism... It is not something that we can simply think past. It is in the air we breathe, in our environment, so we must challenge our minds. It is not something we get over once. We must constantly question and shape our minds and it's interaction with the world. So called intelligence often is not a cover as many complex thinkers are ugly racists/casteists. It is not enough to smile at 'others' and say, wish and think we are accepting. The disease of seeing 'the other' is deeply engrained. For punjabi's and claimants of sikhi, this ugly disease is part of our upbringing and society. If we don't see that first, we are not likely to get past it. The biggest thing stopping sikhi from spreading across the world is the punjabi racists/casteist distortion of sikhi.
  6. Mods your work is appreciated and I would in most cases send a private message as I think there is too much criticism and not enough support of Mod seva generally. However, we are participating in a personal attack on Jagsaw by not saying something. I'm going to guess I would disagree with Jagsaw on many issues. I'm going to guess, without being certain what it was, that Jagsaw was inappropriate with his title. I'm sure Jagsaw can handle it and dish it out. I'm not sure what he said and it may have warranted some action. However a personal attack like this is unfair even if he was extremely offensive. Kindly reconsider the title.
  7. I only noticed your most recent post now. You are very wise. This is about you first and not about him. The right people will understand that and also respect your confidentiality and your paths at your pace. If there isn't imminent harm your support should work with your terms. Please do seek that support. If necessary you can anonymously introduce yourself and ensure your terms will be respected before going further. It may just mean having a proper confidential support network in place who have your back. This is not a weight you need to or should quietly carry alone. The organized contacts, and perhaps MS's contacts, will be very familiar with your perspective. Please do make contact. Again, if that does not work let us know.
  8. You are definitely not doing anything wrong. Do follow up with the offer by the poster above.....thank you MS. The other contacts even outside of your city can likely get you in touch with people locally also. If for any reason that does not work I'm certain we will connect you with good people where you live. Please let us know if you still don't get local support. When something like this happens the responsibility lies with all of us to deal with it. You are to be commended for reaching out. You've already communicated great courage on your part. In addition, you may not even be aware that you hold so much power over this person and to get past him and the entire ordeal. You may just need a little support to realize that. If necessary you will have the wise support of army of brothers and sisters in your corner. There is no shortage of very capable, sensitive, and intelligent activist Sikhs in that city. It's our duty to assist. Unless you connect with good support locally please do not leave this thread.
  9. What went down the drain was not ours to begin with. We have only what we have at present and nothing tomorrow, nothing yesterday. We must quickly remember that when we lose something. If we trust that God is doing it for the better, only then can we do our part to make the present moment better. Lots of helpful advice above. Feel free to be more specific as to what it is that you're dealing with.
  10. I ask which country you are in as your options may depend on that. Threats of harming you or oneself are way out of line. Do have more reasonable family members that can get involved? Do you have a medical doctor with whom you can confidentially share this? Be aware that the doctor may have a duty to share the information with authorities if s/he feels that there is a real risk of harm to someone.
  11. According to Sikhi there is only one true religion. To commit oneself to that statement, an ideal discipline or religion if you will is Sikhi. A logical challenge with following different disciplines/religions is that they will conflict on points. If they did not they would not be different. When that conflict arises the person will choose one. If the person chooses parts of both for different conflicts then it's probably more accurate (and respectful) to say they are following their own religion, not both.
  12. buddasingh

    Short Hair

    You can take a small strip of dastar material and make a hair prandi that you weave into your joora for extra stability or length. You can do the same with your dastar itself. You can also tie a rubber hair band on your joora for stability.
  13. The best advise is in the posts above. I will add that you need to look after your emotional and mental state as well. You say you have no option that will have a good ending.Time is not going to take you backwards. You will move forward. In doing so, change your language and you will change your ending. Your options are tough and your path is tough, but you will have a good ending because you are strong. You say you already have a child. That bond is a far cry from "divorced". It's your responsibility to be strong and you have the capacity. Whatever you do, be positive. It will help you. It is arguable to what extent a mans opinion matters in any situation. However, if a man dictates to you that you MUST have an abortion if you get pregnant with his child, then that man has NO opinion that needs to be considered. Do what is right for you.
  14. buddasingh

    Glasses

    Did you try putting the glasses on prior to tying the dastar? In other words not between lars, but under all lars.
  15. Good for you to have clarity to claim self respect so quickly. Many may still be deep in a denial with false hopes. You ask Sikhs to respond. I speak for myself, but I will attempt a response as a Sikh. All Sikh men are not like this. Everyone is different, but I would not even consider a man Sikh who is like that. Unfortunately there are many men of all stripes like this and many Indian men, including some claiming sikhi. You saw some other men post here and they were obviously disgusted by the behavior you described. Traditionally, Sikh men were known to always be ones not only respect women, but ensure respect from all, for women. Sikh men would be disgusted by what you describe. This is beyond betrayal in a relationship. It is abuse that is manipulative, callous, depraved, and criminal. It is TOO common, it is done by women as well. It seems to be a mentality that carries over to relationships in the context of business, family, government etc. I almost feel as if we owe a collective apology to our sisters as Sikh men. As Sikhs, we intervened ignoring personal risk. Now we are ‘punjabi saints’ that “mind our own business” like grazing sheep. We are punjabi warriors when it comes to kissing a** of any questionable attention hoar who may be a rising businessperson or politician in the clan. We celebrate scum chasing wealth and like cowards grab the coat tails of abuse rather than challenge it. Did his entire family and extended family not have a clue what was going on? How could they stand by? What about all those around him for all this time, all those that witnessed him behaving in a dismissive manner to you? There was a time in Punjab when this man would not have dared to treat a woman like this near any Sikh. Now a typical Punjabi dissociative response is that a victim is naïve. But the proper response is that punjabi’s have become cowards. I think there is valuable message you are bringing to us. Punjabi fraud is aided by our silence. We increasingly support appearances and wealth chasing. To be a Sikh means to alienate 100 associates if it means protecting one innocent person or right principle. It means to lose wealth and retain integrity. Each of us know people who cheat in various contexts. Do we speak up or do we act like cowards and support those oppression and crime in the name of clan harmony? This is a plea to my brothers and sisters. We like to think we can not be like this and therefore we are not responsible. But remember that if we choose to be a Sikh, we choose to be activists. We choose to stand up and intervene. Cheating of all kinds that is common today not only in punjab but in the punjabi diaspora communities is our responsibility as Sikhs to ACTIVELY address it.
  16. Are you truly torn between the two alternatives or do you have a gut instinct that leans one way? As a third alternative, is it possible for the family to have a home that is joint but has separate living spaces within the home? I'm sorry to say but a husband who would swear at you and force you to do things is not normal disagreement in a relationship. How does one "force" a spouse? Through threats spoken or not i suppose. Perhaps it's 'normal' in crude upbringings. But both those things are dysfunctional and a warning sign. I would be concerned even if you lived independently. Perhaps even more concerned. Did you address with him, the swearing and forcing you to do things? He must take responsibility with responding to his parents as well. But that is in addition to the manner in which he treats you. The parent situation is not an excuse for his swearing and forcing you to do things. That is his doing alone. Tell him to go for counselling with you and address all these things there. If this is truly important to him, he will go. Don't make any commitment or promises. Try to minimize crying, being sad etc. What you describe is not your fault. You are not defined through your marriage. If you want a successful marriage, you might actually increase your chances by politely and calmly putting limits to being walked on. You must compromise, but not too much. Three years is a long time for turmoil and it's possible that people will change their approach. You can also control how much the mom-in-law can do by having thicker skin. It can be difficult at first. However, an oppressor continues to oppress when they see it is effective. If you decide it is not oppressive, but misguided, you defeat the oppressor. Ignore rude comments. If it makes you angry, take responsibility and work on yourself. If you are asked to do something, do what is reasonable with love. Resist and refuse what is not reasonable with love.
  17. That's a valid point for the dera analogy. However, Jagsaw's point is an excellent one. Sikhi to me has always seemed to be a teaching with the utmost etiquette, courtesy and valor. The gifts we have in terms of teachings are the most amazing tools. It is very sad when we walk into so many gurudwara's around the world, despite a crazy amount of money, the property is littered and random piles of unsightly things are "stored" in a forever state. The langar hall or washrooms are often lacking in attention. One can do seva, but there is a gravitational pull in our mindsets to bring things back to a state of chaos. What we know is comfortable I suppose. This is not for lack of money at all. Often the darbar halls are kept well. Similar things happen with driving in high density punjabi populations in the west. The roads are kept up. However, there are a higher proportion of accidents due to gross negligence in failure to upkeep vehicles or aggressive driving. Once we choose Sikhi, we choose to be born into poetry. I take heart in Jagsaws very well spoken perspective. I am not much into Sikhs being on magazine covers, but if that's what it takes for the rest of us to realize who we are, kudos to them. Lets ensure our mind, body, and environment reflect the poetry we purport to choose. --Not even sure how i "liked" the post. It was by mistake as I don't even know how to do that. I admire so many views on ss. All of those that come through with wisdom and so many that speak with brutal honesty; those that share their experiences, but in doing so assist many other. I'm culturally inept with the "like" post concept. So apologies for not conveying that.
  18. Your description of his behaviors and your relationship ring like alarm bells to run from a potential disaster. Did you intend to describe him as a chauvistic, woman hating <banned word filter activated> who sees you as an object? Much of the globe still breeds a culture of sexist men. India probably leads the way. Indian men are generally raised with the sophistication of cavescum when it comes to having respect for foreign women. At best you are expressing frustration causing you to exaggerate. However your descriptions paint the profile of a creep too well. Demand respect. Respect yourself first. Love from a place of power before a place of need or vulnerability. Tell him what bothers you and that it is not acceptable and that if it does not change you leave, and do leave if you don't get respect. Communicate in a manner that ensures you don't jeapordize your safety. Only then will the right thing happen. Btw, he is not a Sikh. A Sikh does not change appearance to cater to westerners. Are you still a western tourist to him? You deserve far better. It is almost embarrassing commentary on Punjabis that we've kept sikhi so racially segregated. But this relationship does not sound anything like the Sikh way on his part. Sorry for being a bit direct. Best of luck.
  19. N30 did someone access your account a few months ago? Was it you that posted some out of character over the top anti sikh rant then suddenly disappeared from the forum for a bit? Not sure but I believe the thread disappeared also.
  20. All Good points. However, if I was to try to stand outside ourselves, I would also say we have a tendency to apply the "sangat" principle in ways it was not intended. We can be exclusive (the caste/status background does not help), and judgmental of others. We may even do "seva" showing love and acceptance of others. However, sometimes that seva becomes and us and them transaction. We can slip into being a politer version of bible thumpers seeking salvation under the banner of 'sangat'. We let ourselves slip from seva into the right to assume the "giver" status in the transaction. Our background is of societies that were extremely racist/caste/status oriented. We have to constantly work at losing that. We use "good sangat" to cleave our humanity as different from those who struggle or have struggled. This limits our understanding of the world around us. At times we seem like a self-congratulatory love fest of punjabi origin browns. We talk about leaders in India. Look at "sikh" leaders in the west. We as "sangat" align ourselves to their potential status and support them and, with the exception of a few, they are hollow businessmen posing as sikhs. Together we are the proud "sangat". In reality it is tribal positioning and politics. We forget that sangat is under the banner of sikh identity not race and tribe. We also forget that not escaping to the mountains also means, not identifying socially only with our geo-race brethren.
  21. Can you document or record his behavior in any manner? Are you able to record some very specific behavior or pattern of behavior that crosses the line? Are other witnesses present? How large is the organization? Be a pillar. Show absolutely no fear. Look him in the eye and do your job. If you lose your job, you will get a better one being a fearless leader. Do not punch him unless he attacks you physically. The game he is playing is a mental game, you can defeat his mind. The racist is about perceived power as much as race. If he sees you have power, his response to you may change, no different than in a physical fight. Additional options: If he yells or gets angry and you are able to do so in front of others and you are willing to risk your employment, look at him in the eyes and say something calmly but confidently along the lines of "that's no way to respectfully talk to someone in the workplace". In my experience sometimes you turn bullies into your puppy. You may also not be employed there, but that's their loss, not yours. Document very specific unassailable points in a written memorandum or email to him and cc higher ups. Tell them if the situation is not addressed, you will take further action with respect to harassment and bullying. But you must be specific. It is not racism to the larger world because you think it is and they know that. An outsider will generally have to see it as such. Regardless abuse due to any reason is not acceptable. If there is something more specific he is doing for which you wish feedback, let us know. Some good overarching snippets of advice above. However you handle this start to operate and think in a principled manner as someone fighting for others not just yourself. You'll be a happier person in the long run. When we look at only our best survival interest in these situations, we leave ourselves weak and open to becoming the very bullies we despise.
  22. My comments have absolutely nothing to do with vegetarian v. meat eating. They are about how society can breed fanatic human behavior of beasts, worse than animals. Those beasts also said 'so gross he killed a cow.' So did their 'sophisticated' supporters. Is this really the context for anyone to repeat that mantra? How do we fulfill our duty as soldiers for humanity when our thought process and language is so skewed.
  23. Wow that really came close to the take away message for humanity.... 'so gross he killed a cow' I wonder how a real mother (the one without 4 legs) feels about the mom=cow rationale stated below. Here's what i get from the reasoning below. Plants aren't considered sentient so it's ok to eat them.Same goes for these mobs. Therefore these mobs are considered plants and we should cook and eat them as its seen as nutritious? Time to stone soy almond and rice eaters? That is to honor soy Maa who gives us soy milk, almond Maa who gives us almond milk and rice maa who gives us rice milk.
  24. Be honest with a Sikh woman you meet in the future. Tell her how you feel as you've stated here. In most cases you are not likely to make this the first conversation after meeting but disclose relatively early on with someone who may be a part of your future. Don't make it the last thing you disclose before a commitment is made. Hopefully you're not continuing to carry on platonic conversations with the same person when the time comes. If you are it may make things more challenging. With respect to your own stated preference it's an odd comment in the context of your post.The preference is fine but it's because it's one important criteria to measure values. The preference is not about permanently labeling a woman. Just as mistakes made by you or any man should not be permanent labels.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use