DoubleEdge

It is possible that there are nervous system problems involved. It is possible for a muscle to become "switched off" resulting in poor mind/muscle connection (the ability to focus on and squeeze a muscle while training). Chiropractors and kinesiologists will be able to help by making adjustments of the neck, spine and by massaging trigger points to activate the muscle. If your biceps are not activated, then it is possible other muscles are overcompensating and causing pain or stress elsewhere in the body. It can cost £40 a session upwards, but rather spend it on treatment than supplements that wont help and will be a waste of money until your brain is talking to your muscles properly.

Dear Sangat Ji, I am a frequent reader of this site but I seldom post, and am for the first time ever starting a new thread. I do so because I feel that we can perhaps openly examine as a community some of the root causes of many of the challenges that posters present here, especially in the Gupt section. I post here instead of "Whats Happening" as there may be those who wish to contribute but not reveal their identities. The topics that keep coming up over and over include: Women and issues with hair (and the fact that it affects their chances of marriage) Youngsters and romantic relationships (how soon they wish to start their journeys toward Ghristi Jeevan) Depression (having nobody to talk to or share their feelings with) Isolation (lack of sangat and the impact of social politics and dynamics) Each of these can be reduced to the last one on the list: Isolation or loneliness. The need for human contact, identity and belonging is recognised as paramount to healthy human development. The impact of being "under socialised" or isolated can lead to all kinds of psychological issues. In fact, the affects of isolation in the young can lead to "Failure to Thrive" syndrome where people cannot function or catch up with their "normal" counterparts. Today we exist in greater numbers that ever in human history, have vastly greater social connections than we have ever had, (this site is one example, and of course there is the social media that surrounds us), yet it seems that humans have never been lonelier. It has also been proposed that while we have more connections, the relationships have become shallower and less meaningful as they become greater in number. We might have 300 facebook friends and 300 phone contacts but feel like we have nobody to talk to. At the same time we naturally make efforts to be part of some or other social "tribe", and try to identify and be accepted by them by acting, talking and dressing alike. The human social instincts that we have been blessed with drive us to join with others and also drives our fear of rejection. In ancient times, social rejection (from your tribe or village) was a sure death sentence. We could not survive without the protection of our social group and its function to sustain members of the greater whole. Today, rejection is unlikely to result in death yet we still fear it as such. Loss of friends, the end of a marriage, the rejection of a proposal, rejection by those we would keep Sangat with, a breakdown in communication or relations with family, we may fear and treat any of these and react in a manner as if it is "the end of the world" (read death). Fear of being alone seems to be a great driver of the challenges that keep coming up for the Sangat on this site and beyond. Women who fear rejection due to their facial or body hair are afraid that they will end up unwed and alone (or with someone who does not fit the ideal picture they might have of a husband). Youngsters drawn to the rose tinted fantasy of romantic relationships are also trying to get a head start in the race to find a partner, again for fear of ending up alone. We all want to be close to others, to have understanding and to be appreciated by someone that will find us to be worthy. If we do not have this acceptance and appreciation, we face the terrifying prospect of not only a lonely life, but death at a genetic level as there are no children to carry on our biological heritage. Parents desire the respect of their children. Those who are bullied for being different wish that they would be accepted just like others are instead of being socially rejected. All human beings want to find their place in the world. And if we feel that those needs are not being fulfilled, we end up feeling isolated and depressed. Depression is so ubiquitous now that I was told that one Chardi Kala Gursikh said to one of the Singhs in their Sangat that "People come to us claiming that they have been attacked by black magic, that they do not understand what is happening to them, when in fact they are suffering from depression". They said that Mahraj describe it in baani as "Mann Ka Taap" or "disease of the mind". And why not. For someone who doesn't know what a panic attack, or a bipolar disorder is, a sudden shift in their equilibrium can be terrifying and seem supernatural. They may develop agoraphobia, claustrophobia or any one of numerous symptoms, as result of feelings of isolation and loneliness which lead them to depression. It is important to mention that isolation doesn't have to mean physical isolation. We can feel isolated within Sangat, within the family, even within a marriage. When faced with depression people can behave in destructive manners, i.e using the five vices of Kaam, Krodh, Lobh, Moh and Hankaar or addictions such as alcohol or drugs to try to protect themselves from the symptoms of depression. Then, we often see posts of people confessing their guilt and doing a virtual Peshi before the Sangat here, asking if Mahraj will ever forgive them, or posting that they have lost faith as they feel isolated even from Mahraj. The truth is depression is a mental illness. It has symptoms and those symptoms can be treated to correct the chemical imbalances that drive this illness. Further, it needn't be a cause of shame, any more than having the flu should cause us to be ashamed. For those who are currently facing depression I would like to add that there IS light at the end of the tunnel and there are ways of combating this. Different methods work for different people and there will be a combination of methods that will work for you. So Sangat ji, I invite you to share ways, both spiritual and practical that we might combat depression and its symptoms. I know some members will say "Do more Paath" and others will say "Get some exercise", I think it would be especially useful if those who themselves have faced or are dealing with depression to share the solutions that they have found and applied on their own journeys. I am hoping that in the advice that is shared members of the Sangat, wherever they are on their spiritual journey, will find inspiration and tools to carve their own path to well being.

Look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is very effective at dissolving emotional charges. The more free you are of the extreme emotional reactions (or distractions), the more likely it is that you will be able to focus on your journey.

Living a life of Rehit is not the path of least resistance, it is the harder path. As such, individuals will embrace it to the degree that they feel that they can manage, and with Mahraj's grace will do better over time. Common sense would be to encourage those who wish to walk that path, and respectfully disagree with those that don't. Ultimately ones Rehit, or lack thereof is between the individual and Mahraj. Ultimately it is nobody else's business (unless of course the individual tries to misrepresent Sikhi, in which case an intelligent discussion is the way forward). Too often people young and old take it upon themselves to be the Panthic morality police and conduct themselves in a way that simply makes them bullies. I have witnessed this first hand, and was surprised to have a young Amritdhari Singh who was too young to have any sign of a Daari refuse a handshake and haughtily inform me that it was "against his Maryada". He then went on to ask me where my Kirpan was, why it wasn't worn outside of my clothes, told me that my Daara should always be Prakaash and proceeded to sound off about how Sikh women dress "like Christmas trees" by wearing make up and jewellery , Facebook is for "Besharams"; and that was just him getting warmed up. This was clearly one deeply unhappy kid who was much more focused on hiding his insecurities from the world than anything else. It did not surprise me to later learn that he hand engaged in a campaign of terror against a young girl of similar age (whose Rehit did not meet his standards) by isolating her from her friends in Sangat. What he seemed to miss was that she was trying to move towards Mahraj, and he was doing a great job of pushing her the other way. Having observed this behaviour in numerous different people, I can't help but feel there is the element of jealousy hiding under the self righteousness. Walking the path of Sikhi puts an individual in the minority. We experience judgement and prejudice from both inside the community and the world at large. It is natural that some people feel disadvantaged by the challenges that come attached to the unique roop Mahraj has blessed us with. Things may feel unfair, and people start to think "If I have it tough, why should they have it easy?". I have seen bibiya gang up on girls for removing facial hair or threading eyebrows, Singhs gang up on guys for trimming, and everybody becoming fair game if they are seen to be fraternizing with the opposite sex. I have also observed that the holier-than-thou brigade do the same kind of fraternizing but are more adept at hiding it. One young Singh was proudly telling me about how he had been part of an internet smear campaign against another Sikh boy (for being interested in women God forbid!). Our panthic police officer went on to declare that marriage was not essential, and if so any discussion should be struck up by elders. If the youngsters had any desire to speak, they would have a brief conversation in Mahraj's Hazoori and under supervision. A few months later the same person is introducing me to "his Singhni" at a Gurdwara langar hall. How did they meet? She caught his eye while he was giving out Degh and he pursued it from there. There they were, fiances, yet unwed, and attending programs together. Where did the superior moral fibre go? I think the majority of our angry panthic police have embraced something of a gang mentality and are exacting some kind of revenge on the kind of people they feel marginalised by. If they were who they profess to be, they wouldn't have the time or the inclination to bully those who are probably living a lifestyle of apparent freedom and broad acceptance that they are at some level envious of. It is said that "A man convinced against his will is a man unconvinced still". Nobody is going to be bullied or shamed into embracing Sikhi. If these people are ever going to embrace this path, then they will do so by being made to feel comfortable, accepted and wanted. Give them that and there is the chance that they will want to be one of us and amongst us. Treat them with hate, and we become a barrier between them and the Guru. The self appointed Panthic Police might want to consider if that is something that they want on their conscience.

Beware of putting anyone on a pedestal. The people that we make our heroes are often the same people that we end up resenting. If you find admirable qualities in your friend, then I would recommend finding and developing those qualities in yourself. I would also encourage you to see the downsides to this person, to keep them human in your eyes and appreciate the person as a whole, including their faults and weaknesses. Otherwise, the day inevitably comes when our heroes disappoint us. We then resent them and ourselves for what the lesson costs us. Infatuation and putting anyone on a pedestal is unwise; learning from others around us and improving ourselves is a step towards greater appreciation of ourselves and of Mahraj who created us. As we become aware of who and what we really our, our gratitude to Mahraj skyrockets and we remember and thank him. Otherwise we wander lost in the illusion.

West London Singh hit the nail on the head, nice to see some pragmatic and practical advice! The original poster is right to be cautious in an era when half of all marriages fail. Better to know that you are making a commitment to someone that you can relate to. Also, who says you have to move in with anyone's family? There are no hard and fast rules anymore, the world is a changed place and extended families under a single roof are now often impractical and ill advised. If you can get on with his family, great! If not, be honest about what worries you and ask what the exit strategy is if things start to go wrong. You will be able to gauge plenty from the reaction to the question. Someone who reacts badly/takes offence is either still tied to the apron strings or is subordinate to his social constructs. Someone who is empowered will discuss and explore your concerns AND offer solutions. If the guy is not ready to "Man Up" for himself and his future wife, then that is invariably a red flag for a prospective partner. Be honest about your concerns and let your intuition guide you. Best of luck!

I was once told that you don't do deals with God as you have nothing that he needs. While it is commendable that you did your Jaap, and it undoubtedly will be of benefit to you in this life and beyond, it may not be wise to consider Mahraj to be bound to a deal that WE are doing and setting the value (amount of jaap) of. I don't say this to discourage you at all, and again, well done for your discipline, but your educational success is a completely different issue. I can relate to what you are going through. I too sat up all night studying. I studied with people who I considered smarter than me to make sure I got it and still they did much better than I did. It was very frustrating but the answer was staring me in the face the whole time. My friends were studying because they loved the subjects and had goals for the future. I was studying because of familial pressure to pursue certain career options that weren't close to my heart. Its much harder to fail at something we care about. Perhaps the hidden blessing here is that it gives you the opportunity to take stock. Ask which direction you are going in, which subjects do you love most, how would you like to see yourself making your living? Put money, cars, marriage and houses all to one side and just ask "what would I love to do everyday?" If you can answer this question, you will be well on the way to turning it all around, and may even one day thank Mahraj for the signal that it was time to rethink things. I know for sure that I did once I had finally figured it out. Keep up with the Jaap and follow your heart in your studies and vocation, but remember, Jaap for the love of Mahraj, we can't do a deal with he who's door we go to begging, and he who mercifully gives us so much Mahraj made you unique and blessed you with unique gifts and talents. Make sure you honour those gifts and you will succeed.

If you are both in your early twenties and are coming to the end of your studies, then what is there to worry about? Being Amrit Dhaari doesn't make you any less human, and your feelings are part of a number of biological mechanisms that are designed to help you find a partner that you will produce strong, healthy progeny with. It really is that straight forward if you look at the basics of it. It seems your parents approve of you as a couple, and you approve of each other. I'm struggling to see what the problem is here. Some people meet the person that they will marry when they are 16 (I know a happily married couple with children who met at college), and others in their twenties. Some don't do so until later in life, and some seem not to find that person at all! If you two have an emotional connection and there is no major barrier in your way (age, religious differences etc), then I would encourage you to look at this as a blessing and take the next steps towards marriage. Let's face it, your families will want you both to settle into Ghristi Jeevan and see you getting on with your lives. By finding one another you have saved them the work and the stress of finding someone that ticks the boxes in today's tumultuous climate . You are still young enough that you will grow together as a couple and carry on life's journey as one, and I wouldn't worry about "things working out". That will take time and effort from both parties, and the two of you can build that relationship going forward. If you are willing to work at it and honour each others individual values while maintaining the shared ones, then you will make your Ghristi Jeevan a success. If there is something specific about your partner that raises a red flag in your mind, then address that issue. Otherwise, accept the blessing of finding a suitable partner and go forth in peace! You don't have to look far (just look at this forum) to hear the frustrations of those who can't find one, and feel betrayed by the broken system that they thought would source one for them. If I could offer any advice, it would simply be to stop beating yourself up and legitimize your relationship before Mahraj. Everything else is a secondary issue, and once you are married the things that you are worrying about now won't be an issue at all.. Don't worry though, there will be other issues to replace these ones, but that's life Best of Luck!