pepperjackcheese

Thanks everyone, I'm doing a little better now. I think the best medicine is paath, which I've begun, and sewa at a gurudwara, hopefully soon. Thanks to everyone who responded. It's great to see that even though my curiosity has gotten me into trouble countless times, there are others who genuinely want to help me go on the right path.

Thank you, I'll follow your advice. And I'll tell my mother when she's healthier so she can give me motherly support also.

I just can't stop thinking about what Muslims say. That when you recite their shahada, you become a Muslim and you can never unconvert. This is what is weighing on me so much. My mother went to the hospital yesterday for low blood pressure. She's sick at home right now and suffering. And what do I do? I hide in my room and go to some stupid website and type their conversion line all because I was stupidly fascinated by those dawah videos and because of the girl whom I was talking to. I love my mother so much, but she is 50 times the Sikh I am. I don't know if after death, God will allow me to see her even because of my actions. Is there some formal forgiveness at the gurudwara I can go to? I know that Christians have at their churches a place where people can get their sins forgiven. Something like this would take a lot of pressure off my shoulders.

I would like to do this but I wonder how I can sit with her with the knowledge of what I did. Right now, I'm feeling such guilt and disappointment with myself, I hope God forgives me foremost. Then I hope I can forgive myself.

Harsharan000, I must admit that I was feeling isolated so I want to start going to gurudwara again, but I realize that it's not enough and I need more so that I don't get into trouble again. I need to involve myself at home too. I feel that now I will do whatever it takes to be like I was as a child and perhaps even more connected. I'm all ears to everything you and other posters advise.

None of my parents have taken Amrit, but both of them follow Sikhism and religion is very important to them. In fact, my mom does paath every morning and evening. My dad is also Sikh. However, he doesn't do paath and drinks alcohol on occasion. Can I follow this middle ground, moreso like my mother, and be a content Sikh? When I was high school, my mom wanted to order an English translation so that I could also learn paath, but somehow we forgot and never did it. I would like to try this, but I just hope that my mind can find peace now. I've been worried all day, and I have important exams and things coming up. I'm afraid of sinking into depression.

JKVLondon, Thanks for the advice. I had watched some of those dawah videos before sadly, and while I disliked how they tried to convert people on the street, I don't know why I watched them. As for that girl, you're right I had just met her and won't ever see her again. I think I can identify the problem now and how this began. After I went off to university in another city, I stopped going to gurudwara. There were none in that location and even when I came back, I went rarely because I lost the habit. In fact, I've only gone to gurudwara a few times in the past 1.5 years. I need to start going again and get back my beliefs I had as a child. It's sad that I had to do something so bad to receive a wake up call, but in my heart I know that when I die I'll be a Sikh and not Muslim. I just hope God recognizes that I want to be a Sikh. I don't know if I could ever trust my self to take Amrit or if I'm even willing to go that far, but I simply want to be Sikh and hope my status never changed.

Thank you for your response Harsharan000. It was really nice to read it. I guess I'm just feeling sick right now and am worried about the technicalities and consequences of my actions. I read that typing those lines are sufficient to be a Muslim, and once they are said, someone becomes Muslim, which of course I don't want. There are 2 caveats that I want to clear up which I'm not sure you can help me with. If you can't, that is fine too. First of all, a person is supposed to verbally recite those lines for it to be effective, which I did not actually do, but as I was typing, my mind was saying them to me, so I hope that does not count. Second of all, they say that the person has to believe those lines that they are reciting (or in my case typing). But in my case, I did not believe them. I know that the recitation "doesn't count" if the person was forced. But in my case, I wasn't forced. I think I was just in the wrong state of mind and lost in thought about the girl and trying to please her. In a sober mind, I know that my faith is more important than some girl I just hope that the formal conversion did not go through. I'm really sad right now, and I'm very determined to go to gurudwara and reconnect with Sikhism, but of course,that is only possible if I didn't make myself a Muslim. We do not believe in a paper transaction to show our faith but they do, so how to counter it is the problem. This is why I am paranoid right now, although slightly less, thanks to your words.

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh Sat Sri Akal, I am in need of help and feeling very lost and alone right now. Ever since I was a child, I have gone to gurudwara on Sundays with my parents. Neither my parents nor I have taken Amrit, but we've always believed in Sikhism, and I always refer to it in my religion. In recent years, I went to university and became distant from Sikhism. This is when my confusion and trouble started. I became too busy to go to gurudwara and started doing the wrong things. I became interested in Islam through my own when I started seeing how many people around me were Muslim. I watched lots of "dawah" or "shahada" videos on youtube and developed a strange fascination and began wondering what if I did the same. I should emphasize that I never believed the teachings of Islam and in every debate between Sikhishm and Islam, I've seen, I never felt that my dear Sikhism was any less than Islam. In fact, I have always considered it my religion and the truth. But today, I went to an Islam chat website and was connected to a girl. I was so curious to see her reaction that I volunteered to take shahada. I typed it back to her, but I never believed what I was typing. But now the deed is done, and I hope with every once of my body that I'm still a Sikh. This is the religion that is dear to my heart and although I lost it in recent years, it's still the one that I believe and want myself to belong to. I am just looking for some reassurance and support that the shahada was not authentic and I'm still Sikh. I could never forgive myself for changing all because of a chat with a girl. Please reassure me that I'm Sikh or I truly won't have the will to live anymore. Robin Singh