Waheguru je ka khalsa, Waheguru je ke fateh
Guru kai piyariou I have gone away from sikhi alot. I got into sikhi 2 years ago, at first i had so much excitement and spent literally every day trying to learn part and memorizing the meanings. I use to wake up at 3am every day, do simran and nitnaim. I learnt to read and write gurmukhi. And can now speak pretty decent punjabi. Everyone was surprised when they found out.
Then i dont even know what happened, i got away from sikhi and into my old habits. I stopped waking up at amrit vela, doing part, simran, etc. And i dont even know what happened. I had so much passion for guru ji and i wasted it all on the wine of maya. I have become extremely lazy. I was once half of a gurmukh and now i am a total manmukh.
I alway dream that one day i would be a true singh and kill my ego, but i dont know what to do, every effort i make. i am to lazy to follow through on it. My willpower has mostly disappeared. I do ardass and beg to be released from the shakels of myself and duality and realise everything is one
Please someone beloved of guru ji help me. I cannot continue like this. I have thoughts of suicide because what is the use of my life if im gonna waste this jewel of a body like this.
Also im 16 years old and have kept kesh when my parents and family tryed to discourage me alot.
Do you think getting out of the environment i am currently in and into a different one will change me? I convinced my mom to let me go to india for 1 month. I wanted to go there and stay with sants, nihang singhs, or something. So they would force me to wake up at amrit vela and keep rehait, but i dont really know how to find any of them or approach them. Besides that do you think it is worth going to india for this reason?
Im Sorry if i rambled on alot. I have kept all of this to myself and have been wanting to tell someone, but couldnt.