Thanks everybody, i can understand where everyone's coming from, but believe me i just can't do it - the phrase from the hymn "tera kitha meetha lage" - i'm sorry, but i just can't accept that. My faith is slowly slipping away - i have so much to say, but no words to express my feelings - he had so much to see yet in life, to get married, have kids, be present at my younger brother's wedding. We have our first family function next week and to be quite honest i don't think i'll be able to go, how can, all i'll be thinking about is my brother who would've been there, him doing his silly giddha dance with the ladies, putting the chunni over his head, making everybody laugh, looking after my kids while i go for a dance. I know i should go, but i'm so scared of spoiling the atmosphere if i start to cry. Previous to my brother passing away i was quite a strong minded person, i'd pick myself up and carry on (previous up's and down's made me stronger), but this, this has just made me into a nervous, weak person. I can't even stay at home on my own. If no one is with me i have to leave the house, cos everywhere i look he is there. my brother was with me the day i moved into this house and everything we did thereafter regarding decorating/gardening he was with us. I know i'm probably going on a bit, but i truely haven't got anybody to talk to, like i said my brother was my best friend, it would be him that i would be talking to now.