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I Feel Like He Is Blackmailing Me
Guest posted a topic in GUPT FORUMwjlkk wjkf, I don't know what to do. I have been married for 3 and a half year but we separated after 8 months only. I did not leave but some unknown conversation at his house resulted in my husband failing to pick me up from my parents house as he agreed he would when I went to stay over for a night. That was when this whole nightmare got even worse and I we ended up separated. My married life started on a positive, and I was very happy. My husband literally was the man of my dreams and we got along on every level, I really coudln't have asked maharaj for more. I used to go to visit his family, was close with his mum... I felt so blessed and lucky! But, within weeks of being married and living in the house, I was introduced to a different side of this dream. My mother in law began to chip away at me, ordering me, whispering digs in my ear, putting me down, making disrespectful remarks towards my parents, putting restrictions on what I could and could not do (e.g. I wasn't allowed to sit with my husband at weddings, i was told never to allow my husband into the kitchen to help me etc, I was banned from seeing my parents for 2 months at a time because she felt I didn't love her like I did my own mother, wanting me to quit my job etc). The turn itself was enough to mess with one mind. Within weeks, in my in laws house I felt bullied, the remarks and digs were constant and always "dropped" in the middle of a conversation and then continued as if nothing was said. It was mind toying as I didn't know if she was being serious or not because she would change back her hugging and smiling routine straight after so it felt impossible to go back and ask what she meant. But it would play on me and I was really scared about doing wrong, as there was always something she didn't like and I would certainly be told off, again behind closed doors if I failed to follow her latest order. If I tried to talk to her, she would tell me I am being rude and I have not been taught properly by my parents. I began crying all the time but thought I could deal with it... its just words right? I didn't tell my husband initially as my side of it seemed so petty when explaining individual scenarios. But collectively and living it daily, i felt suffocated and bullied. Feeling very alone in this house, I became withdrawn and decided to keep my distance from my mother in law thinking if I engaged in less conversations with her, she would have less opportunity to something hurtful to me. But this was the big mistake I made. On the face of it, she would kiss me, hug me, stroke my face in front of everyone and keep asking what is wrong and why I am so sad... she would ask infront of the whole family. Behind closed doors, she would continue digging into me. I couldn't cope, it was too much to unfold just weeks after moving into my in laws house, I couldn't understand anything. Little did I know, that in addition to all of this, my mother in law as telling everyone else in the house "her story" of how I was not integrating in the house and despite how much she loves me, that she felt I did not like her and I was being rude to her. They all saw me a the trouble maker who didn't like their mum/wife... and that included my husband. By the time I realised this was happening, everyone was already on her side. I was the one who was displaying all my emotions, being withdrawn, crying and always "having a face on me" I was told. She on the other hand had shown how she kissed me, hugged me, stroked my face out of concern, so everyone believed her every word... I became the bad daughter in law who was causing trouble so that she could take their son and leave the house. My husband initally showed support and said we would move, when he saw me having nightmares, hallucinations and panic attacks in the night. But when it came to taking action, he could not do it. This grew a huge wedge between us and our relationship disintergrated into something that was very spiteful and toxic. I told him everything and that I couldn't cope, that I wanted to move out and that our relationship was failing day by day. We had to do something and get out of this toxic situation. A few weeks after, I was confronted by the whole family, my husband on their side, he had told them I wanted to move out. I was read my rights and told by my father in law that no-one was moving anymore, my mother in law talked about her "chaa" not being fulfilled and my husband stood tall with them and told me we are not moving for at least a year and I needed to deal with it. This is when my world fell apart. He would be nice to me alone and comfort me but then in front of them he would be the typical punjabi husband, and me the obedient punjabi house trained wife and show me no support, compassion or solidarity. I let him do this because I had no one else and when he was being nice with me, I couldn't help but grasp it with both arms. I was in a bad state, constantly crying and I honestly wish for my life to end... it was the ardaas I did to maharaj on a daily basis. I even wanted to take my own life as I did not know how to get out this, I was so unhappy. I used to pray for maharaj to get me out and had no value left for my life. I left myself go. Eventually, my health even started to go downhill. I was a real mess. Things just went from worse to worse and the once so loving happy relationship I had with my husband, became a volatile and abusive relationship of insults and name calling. We became unrecognisable to the couple that were so happily in love before we got married. He would now swear at me and force me to do things to please his family to show them I was listening and conforming. I began to resent him. We started counselling but he told his parents and they put an end to that and summoned us not to go. He only did as his parents told him, and unfortunately most of their decisions caused our marriage to break down even more. That is just skimming the surface of my story. In the 3 years that I have been home, my family have been my rock. They have supported me, helped me rebuild my strength, inner confidence and helped me to understand and heal the wounds. I had a year of counselling reconnected with sikhi, WIth maharajs kirpa, the biggest blessing in this whole nightmare is that my sikhi path is stronger than ever and with the support and bent kirpa of maharaj, I feel like I can deal with anything, as it is all in his hukam and I know my guru is always with me. This is my dilemma now... me and my husband have never stopped loving each other. Behind closed doors he has kept in contact with me for these 3 years and we both want to make it work. I have gone from hating his family and wanting nothing to do with them to agreeing to speak to them at family functions, to then agreeing to maybe go and see them sometimes, then to agreeing for them to come to our house as they wish, then to agreeing to see them regularly, then agreeing to forget everything and just start a fresh and integrate myself with them, go around regularly, make an effort etc. I am happy to forget the past, be compassionate to all parties and give 110% to him and his family but I have asked that we get our own home so that I can have relief from the situation and also so that we can re-build our foundation too, the marriage and our relationship is the key component here. My problem is, that despite agreeing to these increasing demands over the three years, my husband is now saying this is not good enough and if my promise to maharaj and our anand karaj really means so much to me, then to save this marriage, I have to come back and live in his parents house again. He is now refusing for us to buy a place of our own, despite how scared I feel. I have told how I felt, explained the bullying and my reason why I dont't think it will be beeficial but also how scared I am but he says there is no other choice and this is his condition. I feel black mailed by him because he is using my sikhi as a weakness for him to take advantage of. Should I go back and live at his parents house, take what comes from them and accept it all as maharaj's hukam? Or should I stand up for myself and refuse to be black mailed into something that clearly has broken me before and put my health and sanity into serious compromises? I don't want to break my promise to maharaj but I also worry about the worry I will be putting my family through...