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Hello everyone. I am a 36 year old male from Surrey Canada . Im married and I have two children. Both under 10. In 2015 to 2018 I was involved with an indo Canadian gang (Punjabi mafia). I ran the business side of it for my crew for a couple years with some help from a really close friend, who I no longer speak too. Overtime I also indulged in the same drugs I had stored for dealing. I became a cocaine addict, smoked weed, and drank liquor. I became very paranoid. I always looked over my shoulders. Never felt safe. I'm an <banned word filter activated> for putting my family in that position too. Anyways I was constantly looking out for cops, snitches, and rival gangs. Sometimes even people in my crew who would maybe one day want to take me out. I was in a dark terrible place. We were dealing with Chinese, Vietnamese, other indo Canadian gangs, tamils. Never black, white or biker crews. We had our reasons. It took so long for me to realize how much of a deep hole I had digged. I'm in this hole with no support to climb out. I became numb for a while. I had no feelings, I had no problem putting a hit on someone, which I did not do. But did think about. One day I found out a close Chinese ally of ours got caught and was sentenced to 9 years. I was surprised. He was always careful. Very low key. How can this happen? I questioned the loyalty of others amongst me. Questioning even my brother. I was very unstable mentally. I was constantly alert and high on cocaine. Some nights I did not sleep. Just sitting in my house with my gun beside me close to the window looking out all night. I can't even trust my "friends". Sure the money was good, but it was NOT worth it. This is not living. A couple days later friend of mine got shot in his house. Dead. Things were getting real serious. There was tension among all the crews. Everyone was on edge. More Chinese were raided and sentenced to 10 plus years. More and more of the indo Canadian members were targeted. Many died. I was never a religious person. But I turned to God. I did not know how to pray. I did my best at the time. I asked for forgiveness. I wanted out. I asked for strength to quit drugs. I asked for peace. I began reading Guru Granth Sahib ji Maharaj. Guru ji is beautiful. I was in tears. I went to a local gurdwara. Met many singhs. I spoke to many and got a attached to some. They are now my friends. First thing I did was get out of this business of ours. I called up my partners and told them I'm out. It was not easy. Took me a year to get out. I needed to collect all the money people owed us with using minimal force. Once I did that, it was my ticket out. Took me a year. I didn't even collect all of it. Some money I covered from my pocket. Then I was finally out. But still paranoid. Still not free. I stopped talking to everyone from my past. Except my family. I started hanging out with singhs. Learned to meditate. It was very peaceful. I was also friends with many singhs who wanted khalistan. They showed me what had happened in the past to our people. The videos, articles, pictures. The injustice, the genocide. I was horrified. I started digging deeper. We are clearly oppressed. I thought india does not want us to succeed. They want us to forget our Dharm. Our way of life. They want us to cut our hair. They want us to be their slaves and forget sikhi. I cannot contribute to this. I thought any mona person who shaves is helping this form of genocide on sikhi. I was not going to be that person. I took amrit in Surrey BC. I felt so blessed. All my old contacts forgot about me. I was moving forward. I got a nice house. Healthy family and a good job. My wife is not amritdhari she said she is not ready. Sometimes i question was I ready? At the time I thought so. Or was it just an outlet. A form of rehab to help me with the addiction to drugs and to get out from my old lifestyle. Was it out of desperation I made this big decision to take amrit. Did I brainwash my self into believing that I am contributing to a sikh genocide by not taking amrit. Reading All these stories of the 1984 genocide. Everyday looking at pictures and watching videos of what happened. It was all very very sad. I was furious. I wanted those responsible to pay. They are trying to finish us. I won't let that happen to me. I'm not contributing to this genocide. I took amrit. I cut everything cold turkey in one day. It was possible due to Guru jis kirpa. I believe this for sure. The power of our Guru is very much real. Its been to two years since I took amrit. I owe so much to Guru ji. Giving my head is the least I can do right? I was new to the vegan diet. I chose the vegan diet over vegetarian diet because I know those cows giving their milk farmed by big corporations in these mass production facilities is cruel. Cows are not suppose to be crowded together with no access to sunshine or grass. They are fed soy and grains which is not meant to be their diet. Its abuse. The milk and yogurt at the gurdwara. Its all contributing to this cruel business. So I became a vegan. I use to eat meat before I took amrit. Over the years my body was getting weaker and weaker. Joints hurt, getting rashes, arthritis. It was inflammation. Caused by the excessive omega 6 consumption. My body was not use to this. Im sure singhs in the past were raised vegetarians and their body was use to this diet. But my body was clearly rejecting it. I feel like a 60 year old man. I thought when will my body get use to this new diet I adopted. Will it ever? I couldn't wait long enough to find out. I was not healthy. I started eating meat again. This time from local farms where I can go see how the animals are raised. Very humane. These cows are grassfed grass finished. Living the life they should. I get a month's supply of grass fed grass finished rib eye steaks, and wild caught salmon. My health was restored. I was feeling better. My omega 3 to 6 ratio was good. I made sure the meat was not Halal. Some say all meat is forbidden but I didn't care ....the vegan lifestyle was destroying my health. I started questioning alot of things. Was wearing a kachera in the shower with my kirpan ritualistic? I understand the concept of tyar bar tyar. But I would turn to my shotgun for any defense not the kirpan I take with me to the shower. Anyways thats a discussion for another thread. After a while I stopped doing Simran in the morning. I never really got into it. Not sure if I really even did it right. I stop reading my nitnem and now listen to it on my way to work. Its almost become ritualistic in a way. There are great sikhs out there and better khalsa than me who follow through with the maryada. I respect those amritdharis. Im not them yet. Somedays I don't even do my nitnem. I fantasize about my wife at work and rush to come home to have some wild sex. I can't control myself. She loves it but it takes me away from my spiritual side. We have sex almost everyday. We enjoy it. But its hurting my spirituality Now I don't do my nitnem altogether. Don't listen to kirtan or katha. And my wife is noticing this. She encourages me to do paath. She's an angel I love her. Very supportive. I see myself moving away from the spiritual side. The other day she said "I don't understand why people take amrit and then eat meat" I reminded her of my health due to the vegan diet. Also that I believe only halal meat was prohibited. But maybe thats just a way for me to justify it. She told me to take off the kirpan when your cooking the meat she thinks it not right. Maybe she is right. But then I said out loud why don't I just cut my hair and beard. What's the point of this if I'm not following through and keeping my nitnem and maryada. She then screamed NO. please don't do that. I think I agree with her that now I have taken amrit and all our family knows all our friends know. If I break my amrit it will look very very wrong. I have sikhs at work and the park come up to me ask me to do ardaas for them and a benti to Guru ji for this and that. I never understood why people did this. Why not pray yourself and ask. Sometimes they refer to me as khalsa ji. But am I really a khalsa ji now? I look like it. But i don't follow anything. I'm living a Lie. Its not me anymore. I did ardas to Guru ji. I said I'm not ready for amrit yet. I asked for forgiveness and hope that Guru ji is not mad at me. I love sikhi. But can't seem to keep this commitment. Not yet anyways. I know I'll be back. I'm planning to cut my hair. Go back to my old self minus the drugs and alcohol. I feel like my amrit broke when I ate meat. Please don't judge me. But I need to step back. I was clearly not ready. Now I'm planning my transition from a Gursikh to a sikh. My neighbors, friends and family think I'm amritdhari, they know my wife isn't. Now when they will see me they will think, oh there's that guy who broke amrit. He's soo bad, he will go to hell. Maybe I will. I don't know. I don't want to keep my rehit out of fear. I want to do it because I love it. I think I took amrit for all the wrong reasons. I was very vulnerable. Now about My beautiful wife. She's amazing. Sweet, and very pretty. She wears her dresses and make up. Has her hair done. All about fashion. You know how some women are. She is very attractive. Its weird when a singh like me in his bana is walking beside her at the mall LOL Having lunch at some place. People stare. I think this time I will wait until we are both ready. I need help transitioning from gursikh to sikh. So many people will stop talking to me . Half of my family will cut me off. The other half won't care. My dad is a mona. He drinks. He is very successful. About to retire soon. He will be disappointed. My mom will be devastated. My in laws will be disappointed but I'm more worried about my parents. I told my 9 year old son, and he started crying. He said he doesn't want me to cut my hair. He has a joora. When he cried so did i. It hurts. He probably hates me. It broke my heart. But I can not continue living a lie. Dressing up as a gursikh when I'm clearly not anymore. I'm not in the inside. I think me faking it is worst. Its bad. Maybe I'll keep my hair and slowly come back into sikhi. I don't know. There are some things I don't agree with in the maryada. Some stuff just seems soo ritualistic. Like collecting dead hair after you comb it and then burning it followed by ardaas. And some other stuff. anyways....I guess I don't have a question really. Just wanted to post what I'm going through. I would love to see what the sangat thinks about what I went through. Please speak your mind. Thanks for listening. Love you all. !!!!