Search the Community

Fateh sangat ji, I am in a dilemma with myself and my Sikhi. I would like to ask a few questions from knowledgeable people on there, both Gursikhs and non, and also get some advice. Please don't just slander me as I don't need that right now. I took amrit aged 15 but then went down the wrong path at 18 when I moved out for uni, but secretly. I started drinking (usually on my own at home), occasionally smoking a cigarette when in the pub low key and I also dabbled in some weed and coke here and there. I did not become an addict or alcoholic by any means. I have always had a major problem with kaam. I got together with my best friend but this was an on off relationship and a distance one due to areas. Mostly based on phone calls, emails etc. I never told her about what kurehats I had done. She was amritdhari. During our last off period which was about a year, she had met someone else. I called her one day to say I still love her and later down the line she told me that she met someone and their wedding was arranged and date set. This broke me and I still wanted us to be together as we always spoke about. Anyway, we met a few times and one thing lead to another. This lasted up until her wedding. She didn't call off the wedding due to being afraid of her parents etc. Now, I was obviously heartbroken and lonely. I have always been a horny chap and with the regular physical activity no longer there with her it was difficult for me. Anyway, I went to pesh and retook amrit but my heart wasn't in it as I could not speak openly to the panj piaare due to time restraints and as one was hell bent on telling me off without me fully explaining all my kurehats. I still done the seva they said but just felt I was not forgiven as everything wasn't disclosed. Then an old friend of mine got in touch but she was married and not happy. It had only been a year since her marriage. We got close on the phone declared we liked each other in all ways and met. Nothing happend as I knew I retook amrit and she is married. I resisted so much for a few years and had several "opportunities" with other friends and colleagues which I didn't do. But being full of kaam I couldn't any longer and had an affair with my married friend. Now, I have disrespected my Guru and Amrit twice now and cant give up sex with her but I know one day I will have to as she cant leave him. My conscious gets to me. Question, will I be forgiven?? I read plenty of bani and do seva. I don't plan on taking Amrit yet because I cannot fall a 3rd time and take the piss so will wait a few years and control.my kaam before going in front of the panj piaare. I need to sort my kaam out. I cant get married to someone I don't love otherwise that would have addressed the issue. Any advice and thoughts? Thank you.