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Guest posted a topic in GUPT | ANONYMOUSSo no one in my family is amritdhari. We were proud of our caste (which i realised once coming into sikhi it didn't make any sense). Let me be honest. I loved my life when I wasn't a amritdhari. My family and loads of my friends and people would call me attractive and I loved all the attention from girls. From all this attraction from girls, I got with the most popular girl that everyone likes apart from me and had sex with her. It was a dare and I was young!! And that really didn't help with me after taking Amrit. For some random reason I woke up one morning and thought I wanted to take amrit. It was hard the first time I wore a patka to school. I lost all of the attention from everyone and loads of people would come up to me and say I looked way better without it, which wasn't really helpful. Anyway I had strong faith in maharaj and just let everything brush past me. Infact, even my dad would tell me that I looked way better without it and he told me that all my uncles and aunties etc had come up to him and said i just looked like a <banned word filter activated> and way less attractive and that I wouldn't even get married. So, I took amrit about a month before my 16th birthday and took it way too lightly. Soon after I had realised how hard it really is, but with maharaj kirpa it soon became much easier. I was EXTREMELY STRICT. I would keep a chola on 24/7 and at that time I was going to secondary school in year 11 with a cholla, kambarkasa and 5 shaster on underneath my uniform. I had all my baniya kant (memorised) and would experience a lot of things during simran. I would eat out of sarbloh bate and not eat anything not prepared from amritdhari, which includes takeaways. I would wear a 13 meter dumalla everywhere even to bed. I just loved this sort of life at that time and I wanted to do it properly with all the rules and regulations to make maharaj happy. I think it went downhill because of that. I was just way too strict at a young age and just made it way to hard for myself. I started going to a more densely populated gurdwara, where there was a heavy population of sangat that was my age. I started to gain that attention again from the girl sangat and it really felt good. I guess I'm really insecure and weak. Anyway I started to slowly drift away from the gurdwara and became a Patit for about a year and a half. As my hair wasn't as long so I would stop wearing a dastar and style it up. I had actually gone to school with this hairstyle and a lot of people that had cussed me behind my back for looking ugly had now come back to me and hugging me and I started to realise a lot more popular girls coming up to me and being nice. Infact, in the space of about 7 moths I had been with 3 girls! And I'm not even proud of that, which Is why I think I went to a Sikh sangat for advice rather than other patits like myself. I think I am writing this thread because I don't really want to leave sikhi but at the same time I do. I guess I just really need someone to talk to. Even though I am a Patit I always hear simran in my mind. When I wake up, go to bed or even at school. Sometimes I just get really angry and listen to music with the volume up. And sometimes I just let myself merge with the simran, and I get a feeling of pleasure that felt way better than the lust type. I have just received my a level results and I am actually going to a top uni (oxford) to study law. I don't understand why maharaj is gifting me with all of this when I am thinking of leaving this path. I all scared of going to uni as there will not be any Sikh amritdhari sangat I can go to for advice, it will just be partying and lectures. Sometimes I just cry and I hate looking the way I am. I just wish I looked normal with no attention from anyone and everyone will just stop telling me how I now look better without a dumalla on. Even now it has been about a year and a half since I have left Amrit. My relatives still say "oh you look so much better without that massive turban" at party's infront of everyone. and my dad would always say how he used to get these comments when he was young and he would say "I bet you love it" when I say no he would shout at me and just tell me to go away and be greatful. Sometimes I get jealous when I see a person in bana and wish I was like them, and then sometimes I hate seeing anything sikhi related because it gives me the feeling of coming back into sikhi as I want to stay the way I am because of all this attention and to make my family happy I just don't know what to do.