Jump to content

I've Come Here For Advice & Help.


DSD
 Share

Recommended Posts

This is real real tough one I must say.

Firstly, let me say I am not a very religious person, and only turned to religion as a last resort.
There is always a first time brother :T:
So now you know exactly the kind of person I am in terms of religion, you can understand why coming here was my last resort.
Before anyone else, let me take this opportunity to welcome you to Sikhsangat :T:
They set me up with her and I fell for her straight away.
hmmm...brother thats the beginning of something you create yourself to hurt yourself in future.
The first thing she told me was that she'd had a relationship before and it was serious.
Note that she is a severely honest person. Most girls would NEVER do that. One needs to appreciate her honesty. She never intended to keep you in the dark.
I made a promise to her father that I would not back out, as someone did to another of his daughters before, and I intend to stick by that promise.
Did you do it to make him feel assured that you won't repeat a serious mistake someone else did, or did you mean it when you made the promise?
The problem came up when I asked about her relationship and found that she had twice had sex 4 years ago. I am a virgin and I can't help but frown on pre-marital sex, especially by girls. She told me I was the first person she'd told, but I was furious and called her all sorts of disgusting names and had her in tears. At the time, she was saying how she'd been with the guy for 2 years before it happened and it was natural and normal, and that enraged me more.
This is the reason why I said in the beginning that this is a tough one. Lets admit it, most guys (even Singhs) have this male ego thing. "I wanna marry a virgin even if I have slept with 50 women" is what a good number of guys (not all guys) have in their heads. So you can imagine how hardcore a virgin guy would be. They'd rather die or stay unmarried than marry a girl who has had premarital sex.
The next day, she told me that she didn't want to bring up her past again, but what had really happened was that she and the guy had been getting drunk, he took her to a hotel, and she doesn't remember the rest. She only knows what happened because of the bleeding afterwards.
So it was not consentual, nor was it "love making" as the modern day terminology goes. It was rape according to law.
What hurts me is that if this is true, then it is technically rape.
It is sadly.
She won't accept this however, she puts a lot of the blame on herself as she chose to drink.
Some Indian women tend to have this negative way of thought of blaming themselves. I think she needs to be given solace that its not her fault. In fact, she has been through a hell worse than you brother. She has been living it for 4 years.
I have not been myself for the past week, I have hit serious depression and ironically, on Thursday, was craving a drink (didn't have one though).
Don't get drunk under any circumstances. You will fall prey to this poison called alcohol forever otherwise.
She says she heard he's married now, living far away. She wouldn't tell me his name, where he was originally from, or where all this happened.
He isn't the first guy who has done this, and she isn't the first girl to go through this. I know 2 such cases myself. It pains me to even imagine what such girls go through.
For the last 3 or 4 years, she has done nothing but work, and then go home. She goes to bed early, and outside of work, only talks to her family members (with the odd sneaky phone call to me). She has never had any friends, and doesn't now.
Which is why I said that she has been through a worse hell.
My Mother didn't seem at all surprised or bothered, and my Father tore in to me saying that I'm no saint and have no right to question the past (this was before I told them that she had been extremely drunk during the act, they sympathised with her more after they heard that). I was startled at their responses...
You are fortunate to have such supremely accepting and tolerant parents. Bless you bro!
I want to marry her as she is a great person and I won't do better, but I will always carry this around and have this resentment. I don't want to be depressed and I would honestly like to forget this and move on, but I can't. Sometimes I do and feel OK for a bit, then it just comes back and hits me again. Maybe I'm jealous because she has got that far (though she says she remembers very little) and I never took my opportunities. Maybe I'm upset because I know she will (hopefully) always be my first and only, but I won't be hers. That said, if she had been married to the guy at the time, I wouldn't feel like this.
You said exactly word per word what any guy in your situation would say. Just remember a few things brother. If you don't marry her, thats one thing, but if you do, you gotta primise yourself, you gotta promise her, and above all you gotta promise Gurujee, that no matter what, at no point in time after your marriage will you even remotely or indirectly mention anything about her past. Not in front of her, not in front of anyone else. No matter how bad of a fight you 2 get into as husband and wife, no matter how bad things get at home, do not let that resentment let you utter venomous words that will pierce her injured soul any worse. We Punjabis have a sick habit of exposing another person's dirty linen in public if things get messy with them. Make sure you never do that. Because if you do that brother, then remember, the guy who used her literally "killed" her and left her, but you will "kill" her after having accepted her as your soul mate, which is a million times worse.

I can only request you brother. If you really feel that you can't live with it, be honest to her, just as she has been totally honest to you. If you feel you CAN live with it, then please never ever hurt her any more as she has suffered enough already. This is your chance to improve someone's life. I know its easy for all of us to say stuff and suggest but hellish for you to actually take that step. But think with a cool mind. Make sure to take hukamnama from Gurujee, because remember, at the end of the day, its the Master Himself who is testing you, and the girl as well.

Let us all do an ardas for this brother, that may Gurujee do whats best for both of them, and their future.

with regards

~ Mehtab Singh

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 29
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

You have 100 days my beautiful veer ji...100 days. Use them wisely, it is today that you have realized your problem, may tomorrow bring Understanding Love, Compassion in your thoughts?

My sincere apologies if my words were too harsh or judgemental...i say this only to perhaps make you see that we all make mistakes, it is not right for us to get Angry or become Jelous.

Your words were not harsh, your post is 99.9% the truth. I have to stress though, I was told this on the phone, and have only met her in person once since she told me. When she did tell me, she tried to make out that it was natural, bound to happen etc, as if she had no regrets. This is what made me swear on the phone etc. I'm not proud of what I did. I felt even worse when she told me the true story. I have told her countless times that I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it, and I believe I can never make up for saying it. I was aware she was far more mature than me even before she told me this, which is why it threw me. I couldn't imagine her doing something stupider than anything I would do.

Regardless, of how she feels about the situation, whether you feel that she was taken advantage of or that she feels it was natural.....what has happend has happened, It is now that you must be a bigger man and learn to Forgive and move forward which I think you are very capable of doing.

It is now up to you what you wish to make out of this relationship. I commend you for taking courage and asking for help on this personal issue. To your credit, we all deal with things differently and if you two had more contact with each other not just over the phone, perhaps you wouldn't be stressing over this issue as much as you are now. Perhaps talk to your parents and see if they can talk to the girls parents to see if you two can out alone to a park or something and deal with your differences. After all it is you two who are getting married, force the issue that you two need to talk about your future if you have to. Resolve this situation before you two take the vow. Just be Honest and be Open and Understanding when and if you do get a chance to talk to her physically. This is your life my veer, you can either create a bridge for the both of you and move across this cliff or you can stand apart. It is truely now that we see the ability that we have been given to make our lives to be what we want them to be.

If you are as Understanding with her, as you are Honest on this forum, then I see nothing that could hold you two back from getting together.

May you be blessed with Love, Love and nothing but Love.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fateh

veerji...

evrything and i mean evrything happens for a reason......guru ji was watchin while all this happened.....and well....that was the past......i had a terrible past as well and i was xactly da same.....i would look back and start blaming myself all over again and i would start cryin all over again....yet veerji.....that was then and this is now......watever happened to her was then......da best part is u guys learned ur mistakes,hana?............so now dat u knw da mistakes ur gonna take em and make em a solution to this problem.......depression......ive been there......and well i know u aint into this religion stuff....but trust me......if u naam jap....somehow jus sit down and slowly start..."waheguroo.....waheguroo"....and keep on doin it.......concentrate on nunn but this.......then slowly start beggin guru ji....ask him......guru sahib help me.......keep doin simran....and if ya truly are dedicatin ur full attention to this.....u'll cry...and das da best part.........u'll see how much happiness and anand u'll get pray.gif ......pleez......veerji trust me......guru sahib iss da only one who can help you in this......do simran......if not in ur mind listen to it on cd's,radio,watever...and keep doin ardas.....somehow.....with guru sahib's kirpa,u will get dat happiness and soon you'll get into sikhi and stuff.................this is one of those times where theres no one but you and guru ji....just yuo and HIM in da world.....and only HE will be able to help you.....wen ur ready to tell HIM....becuz HE already knows....but HE wants to hear it from you..... :TH: hope you understood wat i sayin....bhul chuk muaf....

Fateh

chardi kala :lol:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Did I miss something? You currently cut your hair and shave you say. So sikhi is not an issue. So then what’s up with the virginity requirement of yours? This actually got you depressed?? What religion is this? What are its followers called?

Even if sikhi was an issue, if she’s done something in the past from which she has learned, then she is arguably ahead of us who too righteously judge her without experiencing the pain of the lesson. She deserves respect, not judgment!

If working toward sikhi is what you are concerned about then she’s possibly near perfect and you’re a very serious going concern.

I don’t suggest Pheena would support my post, but just want to add that Pheena’s was a beautiful reply. And like Pheena, I also apologize for being harsh in my own way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

DSD,

You have been very honest and open and truthful, and I share many of sentiments you feel. Though you shud give up the other bad habits if not for religion but for your health. With regards to her sexual history, you have every right to feel the way you do... too many people these days dont think pre-martial sex is ok. What is it about the female speicies that make them so naive, easily led into sex? whats up with that? I'm sure they read magazines, stories on net, what goes on..

I used to have this friend who I thought was a decent girl... "marriage material" as they say.. I got quite close to her, she seemed decent.. family oriented, not religious but ready to learn more abt her faith and had gud values.. but then I was shown pics of her on a popular pic sharing website.....dressed in mini skirts, drinking in bars and inapproprite sexual posing with other people. And when I confronted her about this she didnt know wot to say... she had thought know one knew about her antics, anyways to cut a long story short... I ended the close friendship I had with her there and then...

As for the girl in your situation..I think she is not right for you.. unless you yourself had pre-martial sex because it will get to you and resentment will build up everytime there is a minor argument. This is why many couples get divorced... if its not finance/money its arguments over sexual health/partners and history... therefore its better to get a partner whose past you know you can live with.

Many on this thread have given you posts in favor off marrying the girl...I would advise you to think carefully and really look into her past if you think she is the one, you have every right too and shouldnt feel guilty for it...but do it with respect and care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fateh

ok....so i made a mistake?...real srry buddy.....i dunno much....i tried.....sorry

Just in case...

My reply above this post of yours was to the original poster. Not to you or your post. Sorry if that was the impression.

Your post as well as all others are good to see. The original poster of course needs encouragement and support that you provide. I chimed in on a perspective which I thought was a necessary part of the discussion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I were in your position, I wouldnt' marry her, why marry someone who has had sex.

I know it sounds wrong, I am in the same boat as you, I dont drink, smoke or even club.

The sad part is I have had about 4 opportunities to have sex with a girl and I didn't because I didn't want to sin, viriginity is a thing you can't give away until your marriage.

You choose to belivee it and same with me, I say the right girl will come along. If you fought so many temptations, and its only right that you marry a girl that meets your standards.

I know this is the only post in similar taste, ad some people may be offended by it, but you gotta follow your heart.

Take care

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If i was in your position i wont bother much. You are very intelligent person who had courage to openly write about his problem and admit some of his weakness.

Any ways if you are supposed to marry this gal you will and if not you won't.

It reminds me of the famous song "Whatever Will Be (Que Sera, Sera)"

P.S Everyone views life from their eyes, their vision. So what is right for me might not be for you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share


  • advertisement_alt
  • advertisement_alt
  • advertisement_alt


  • Topics

  • Posts

    • yeh it's true, we shouldn't be lazy and need to learn jhatka shikaar. It doesn't help some of grew up in surrounding areas like Slough and Southall where everyone thought it was super bad for amrit dharis to eat meat, and they were following Sant babas and jathas, and instead the Singhs should have been normalising jhatka just like the recent world war soldiers did. We are trying to rectifiy this and khalsa should learn jhatka.  But I am just writing about bhog for those that are still learning rehit. As I explained, there are all these negative influences in the panth that talk against rehit, but this shouldn't deter us from taking khanda pahul, no matter what level of rehit we are!
    • How is it going to help? The link is of a Sikh hunter. Fine, but what good does that do the lazy Sikh who ate khulla maas in a restaurant? By the way, for the OP, yes, it's against rehit to eat khulla maas.
    • Yeah, Sikhs should do bhog of food they eat. But the point of bhog is to only do bhog of food which is fit to be presented to Maharaj. It's not maryada to do bhog of khulla maas and pretend it's OK to eat. It's not. Come on, bro, you should know better than to bring this Sakhi into it. Is this Sikh in the restaurant accompanied by Guru Gobind Singh ji? Is he fighting a dharam yudh? Or is he merely filling his belly with the nearest restaurant?  Please don't make a mockery of our puratan Singhs' sacrifices by comparing them to lazy Sikhs who eat khulla maas.
    • Seriously?? The Dhadi is trying to be cute. For those who didn't get it, he said: "Some say Maharaj killed bakras (goats). Some say he cut the heads of the Panj Piyaras. The truth is that they weren't goats. It was she-goats (ਬਕਰੀਆਂ). He jhatka'd she-goats. Not he-goats." Wow. This is possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard in relation to Sikhi.
    • Instead of a 9 inch or larger kirpan, take a smaller kirpan and put it (without gatra) inside your smaller turban and tie the turban tightly. This keeps a kirpan on your person without interfering with the massage or alarming the masseuse. I'm not talking about a trinket but rather an actual small kirpan that fits in a sheath (you'll have to search to find one). As for ahem, "problems", you could get a male masseuse. I don't know where you are, but in most places there are professional masseuses who actually know what they are doing and can really relieve your muscle pains.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use