Very Very Mature Topic

[Guest alone]

I am often left feeling alone, partly because I do not know anyone like me. These last few days have probably been the climax, or least thats what it seems like. I have finally decided that I am different, something which of course I have known a long time ago (afterall girls wearing dastaar are rare to come by) But this time I strangley realised that I am different from my own type too.

I'm looking out of a window from a 15 floor block of flats as I write this. The view isn't spectacular (mainly floodlights) and thats exactly what life is like. I made some huge decisions this last month. I have with the help of a white vegan friend taken on a vegan diet.

Its a cause I had always believed in yet I never had the strength to follow. I have also at the same time stopped consuming food prepared outside whether that be ready made meals or restaurant food. I buy fresh vegetables only and prefer to cook my food doing naam simran. This is proving to be quite difficult since I share a flat with people who smoke, drink.

These are not the only problems, explaining how I can no longer eat with my friends at our favourite student place (Pizza Hut) proved to be a tough challenge. Whats changed I was asked......in all honesty I am unable to explain why I changed. My friends lost and confused accepted my decision - we went vue cinema instead. Incidently if you are thinking of watching I am Legend, please spare yourself ...it was not a good film.

The most interesting thing is yet to come though as I do not want to mix two diets. I have therefore chosen the punjabi diet in favour of the english bread and so taking roti and saag to uni awaits me.

Being different from people does not worry me but the lack of potential interaction with new people saddens me. I have often turned down birthday invites since they are mainly at clubs. My closest friends have of course accomodated me but this then limits me to only my circle of friends.

I made some other concientious choices. Rather than taking the tube or bus I try to walk to my destination. Currently it takes me 1 hour to walk to and 1 hours to walk back from lectures. As you have probably guessed I am an environmentalist. I recycle paper, plastic and glass. I would recycle to make compost heap but I have no facility in my block of flats to store decaying material.

I have incorporated various other changes too. I no longer wash with hot water. I believe instead I shud wash with water held at room temperature. On top of this I am a clean person. I have a distinct set of home clothes which I change into as soon as I reach my flat but only after washing face, hands, feet. Its a habit I got from my mother. Another punjabi habit i have is prehaps that of using water when you have been toilet. Suprisingly no one at my flat has asked me about my piece of bottle in the toilet....but outside its very difficult. I am overly aware of the number of people who don't wash and prefer to smudge the faecal and urine matter.......I was actually shocked to discover a gurdwara had no bottles! I now permanently carry a spare one.

I have discovered not many people have these life choices. I have some other choices too which I am considering. I actually quite like the style of Indian clothes. This is not because I am indian but its to do with the fact that everytime i sit my back gets exposed. Quite obviously you feel cold but it also predisposes u to back problems! Add to this the fact that buying clothes is getting more and more difficult...if your a girl you will understanf that either the neckline is too low or the tops are too small.

I am at a stage where I want to get rid of all my clothes and only wear bana. I cannot describe how or why but I feel trapped in normal clothes. Bana makes me feel free.....the only way for me to describe this feeling is to use a kachera as an example. Basically imagine if you wore knickers instead. People probably have not done this but I had to do this as an emergency once and I truly felt so tight all day and to put it simply I could not wait to be wearing my kachera again.

I have no idea why I have changed at such an accelerating pace. My music preference is no longer 'I like all music whether its RnB, Hip Hop, Rock, Kirtan'. Infact over this last week I have only listened to gurbani since the meanings are the definitive truth whilst I see everything else as relatistic truth. I have made numerous other changes such as removing myself off msn and I feel from today onwards the word of internet forums.

With all the changes I am making I think part of me wants consolidation that I am not alone. I find it difficult to even find a single person who does not remove hair or bleach it. I have met many penji's people say they do not remove hair but then they pull chin hair or tamper by bleaching it....I have chin hair too but I don't see why i chould compromise my belief by pulling it away with tweezers or covering it with bleach. But I think the real sadness was when I realised that being vegan means I cannot eat at the gurdwara. :s

Since you don't know me and I don't know you I probably should share some other things. These things are very personal and I am not sure how I should tell someone about them. In about exactly 3 years now family will probably be looking for someone to marry me. I however have never found myself ever being attracted to males......(no I am not lesbian since I am not attracted to females either).

Infact I treat both males and females the same. My friends have known for a very long time that I do not rate, think of people as being hot or use phrases like sexc, babe etc. I feel its probably because I see us as all being souls..and what a soul is like is not what their shell is like. For a very long time I did not wish to marry for this reason but as I grow older I realised that marriage was essential for creating the next generation and it was not wise to not help in forming the belief system of the future.

I therefore decided I would accept a partner but only if they held similar beliefs to me. There are however one or two more things which I have not openly told a living soul. I am aware that people see marriage as some sort of fufillment of desires however from a very young age I found kissing repulsive. I therefore am not prepared to be kissed or to kiss someone. I also have a huge disgust of hugging people unless I know they have washed. I therefore do not see myself hugging any potential partner unless they have showered. On top of that there are other tiny things.....I don't particularly like to sleep under one duvet or in the same bed so I'm gonna want my own bed..I also don't want to use condoms or be on the pill.....so I am only gonna have intercourse for children....my question is whether a guy would want to know all this beforehand ... It wud also be nice to know if Iam the only one who thinks like this.

[B4ND4]

I am overly aware of the number of people who don't wash and prefer to smudge the faecal and urine matter

I was drinking dudh when i read the above lines. It tasted weird for a bit : |.

All in all a sweet and touching writeup, to me atleast. I am sure there are guys who think/live like you but i can assure you of one thing that your search for a potential partner could take some time.

The guy of your kind might be found at Tapoban Gurughar :s .

[Guest lonelykaur :(]

first of all penji, i would like to say that you should definately thank guru sahib for bringing you closer to him by following rehat, not everyone is as lucky as you are.

As far as loneliness goes, dont ever think you are alone. wherever you go and whatever you do know that your guru follows you.As a bibi with dastar and facial hair, i know exactly how it feels to be trying to stick to gurmat but having a suffering social life- not having anyone to talk to and doing everything alone feeling depressed at uni. just know that if your guru brought you to this stage in your life, he will help you get through it no matter what, just have faith. You are in a tough situation because you have to deal with your roomates, dont comprimise your beliefs and your rehat, they will have to learn to accept you and you must do the same. Have faith in your guru :s

As far as marraige goes, dont feel worried, you partner is pre-destined, any singh with proper rehat feels the same way you do and if not, perhaps you can teach your partner to, its about progressing in sikhi as a couple. Your real husband, waheguru, is who you need to worry about because ultimately, hes the one you need to impress, he is the one who is going to give you a partner to share your life with in the first place lol

Your love for the environment reminds me of bhagat pooran singh ji, if you dont know about him, please read about his jeevan and just see how much of an inspirational gursikh he was! It is so great that you care so much about things people like me take for granted, you have guru sahib to thank for that. Please continue to care and to help others like me realize things

Sometimes i too feel that i have no bibia to look up to or to feel connected to but we always forget mata sahib kaur and mai bhago ji, what an inspiration they were, but we too often forget this and look to others to help fill that void within us. please do not forget that sikhi doesnt come from people it comes from guru sahib, where do you think gursikhs got their greatness/knowledge/love from? Dont ever forget that guru ji has helped you reached this stage in your life and that he will continue to sustain you. please help sinners like me realize that rehat is important and it goes hand in hand with caring for the environment. please forgive me for anything wrong i have said.

[carin]

It was a nice read. I could've done without all the fecal and urine talk though. :s Can I ask you an honest question. I've read up on this and was wondering if you call into this category. Do you have OCD?

[Tarrandeep Kaur]

if you havent got an account already, make one. then pm me.

[GurpreetKaur]

penji...

wow you should be proud of all the things youve achieved. It sounds like you have a good amount of self control whcih is really good! Dont think your alone...there is always someone who is feeling the same or can relate you jus need to find them.

With the whole marriage thing...you will find a singh who will be at the same level of sikhi as you or you can educate him. Dont worry about it.

[buddasingh]

It was a nice read. I could've done without all the fecal and urine talk though. :s Can I ask you an honest question. I've read up on this and was wondering if you call into this category. Do you have OCD?

Or maybe we all have ADD.

[Guest Th!nk]

I found reading your topic interesting. I respect what you are doing -keeping hair, cooking your own food, wearing Bana. But in other ways I found some of your 'consciencious decisions' very odd. Have you considered speaking to your local GP, as some of these habits, and even the way you have typed your message, gives the impression of an obsessive compulsive personality. Keeping sucham is all well and good but carrying around a toilet water bottle, not wanting to hug people, to me seems a little over the top. Also, some of your decisions seems a little contradictory; you do not use the bus or car but you use a computer to post a message on a forum? The amount of natural resources, as well as pollution created by plastic production etc, surely should be avoided if you do not like riding the bus? How far can we take such an environmentalist stance?

Please do not take this as a personal attack - you seem mature so this is intended to provoke introspection. You call your life choices 'consciencious decisions' but I feel there is something deeper and illogical that is compelling you to act like this.

Otherwise, cooking food, not removing hair, listening to music etc this is all good and will help your Jeevan - not sure about cinema? You certainly have good friends if they go out their way to accomodate you, and I am sure many Singhniya will contact you from this forum,so there is no reason to feel 'alone'.

[Mr T]

gurfateh penjji 1stly rehat pyari mujj ko sikh pyara nahi by the sounds of things you have a solid rehat not like me. coming from a singh there are many gursikh singhs who have the same beliefs as you dont fear because guru ji blesses those gursikhs who follow his path with rewards neways why iam i writing this im a singh lol on a serious in your ardas just ask guru ji to bless you with your needs as they are to do with your sikhi. keep the naam simran going and bibek going as well :s :D wahegurooooooo gurfateh pennjii bhul chuk maaf

[no_0ne]

But in other ways I found some of your 'consciencious decisions' very odd. Have you considered speaking to your local GP, as some of these habits, and even the way you have typed your message, gives the impression of an obsessive compulsive personality. Keeping sucham is all well and good but carrying around a toilet water bottle, not wanting to hug people, to me seems a little over the top. Also, some of your decisions seems a little contradictory; you do not use the bus or car but you use a computer to post a message on a forum? The amount of natural resources, as well as pollution created by plastic production etc, surely should be avoided if you do not like riding the bus? How far can we take such an environmentalist stance?

Otherwise, cooking food, not removing hair, listening to music etc this is all good and will help your Jeevan - not sure about cinema?