Marrying A Non Virgin

[Mehtab Singh]

What really is virginity in the Gurmat sense?

iKMQw kwlu kuAwrI kwieAw jugiq fMfw prqIiq ]

khi(n)thhaa kaal kuaaree kaaeiaa jugath dda(n)ddaa paratheeth ||

Let the remembrance of death be the patched coat you wear, let the purity of virginity be your way in the world, and let faith in the Lord be your walking stick.

Sahib Sri Guru Nanak Dev Ji in Sri Japji Sahib.

Why are we judging her?

eyk nUr qy sBu jgu aupijAw kaun Bly ko mMdy ]1]

eaek noor thae sabh jag oupajiaa koun bhalae ko ma(n)dhae ||1||

From the One Light, the entire universe welled up. So who is good, and who is bad? ||1||

Bhagat Kabeer Ji in Raag Prabhaatee on Ang 1349

You are angry because you have followed a discipline and she hasn't.

mwtI eyk Anyk BWiq kir swjI swjnhwrY ]

maattee eaek anaek bhaa(n)th kar saajee saajanehaarai ||

The clay is the same, but the Fashioner has fashioned it in various ways.

nw kCu poc mwtI ky BWfy nw kCu poc kuMBwrY ]2]

naa kashh poch maattee kae bhaa(n)ddae naa kashh poch ku(n)bhaarai ||2||

There is nothing wrong with the pot of clay - there is nothing wrong with the Potter. ||2||

Bhagat Kabeer Ji in Raag Prabhaatee on Ang 1349

We think those who are virgins are clean? What is clean?

mn kwmnw qIrQ dyh CutY ]

man kaamanaa theerathh dhaeh shhuttai ||

With your mind filled with desire, you may give up your body at a sacred shrine of pilgrimage;

grbu gumwnu n mn qy hutY ]

garab gumaan n man thae huttai ||

but even so, egotistical pride shall not be removed from your mind.

soc krY idnsu Aru rwiq ]

soch karai dhinas ar raath ||

You may practice cleansing day and night,

mn kI mYlu n qn qy jwiq ]

man kee mail n than thae jaath ||

but the filth of your mind shall not leave your body.

iesu dyhI kau bhu swDnw krY ]

eis dhaehee ko bahu saadhhanaa karai ||

You may subject your body to all sorts of disciplines,

mn qy kbhU n ibiKAw trY ]

man thae kabehoo n bikhiaa ttarai ||

but your mind will never be rid of its corruption.

jil DovY bhu dyh AnIiq ]

jal dhhovai bahu dhaeh aneeth ||

You may wash this transitory body with loads of water,

suD khw hoie kwcI BIiq ]

sudhh kehaa hoe kaachee bheeth ||

but how can a wall of mud be washed clean?

mn hir ky nwm kI mihmw aUc ]

man har kae naam kee mehimaa ooch ||

O my mind, the Glorious Praise of the Name of the Lord is the highest;

nwnk nwim auDry piqq bhu mUc ]3]

naanak naam oudhharae pathith bahu mooch ||3||

O Nanak, the Naam has saved so many of the worst sinners. ||3||

Guru Arjan Dev Ji in Raag Gauree on Ang 265

[GurpreetKaur]

if she knew that you kept ur viginity then he might have kept hers....obviously she didnt

[Tarrandeep Kaur]

Finished.

We're all finished.

[Guest peacemaker]

^^^

Why do you say that?

if she knew that you kept ur viginity then he might have kept hers....obviously she didnt

Hmmm, I'm not sure that would work. Are you saying that people should tell things like that at the start of a relationship?

[Guest hmmmm]

The world isn't black and white...If you can't forgive others, don't expect God or anyone for that matter to forgive you for your mistakes. Did you consider the amount of courage it took her to tell you this? Give her some respect, she took a huge risk to her future and her (family's) honor by telling you this. Do you know what will happen to her if you tell your parents this? How will they react, are they going to tell her parents about this? You have to resolve this personally with yourself, don't bring anyone else into this. The moment you bring a third person into this, you would betray her trust that she confided in you to tell you perhaps her deepest secret. I hope you don't overlook this!

Trust my friend does not come by easily. It is time to look beyond the physical aspects of purity and learn to see whether she has a pure heart which far outweighs the physical aspects. Look beyond your ego and your purist view of yourself. Your preservation of your Virginity should humble you not harden your ego that you dare not touch others who are not worthy in your eyes. We all have our karmas that we must go through...you consider yourself fortunate to not have to deal with it, but where your experience should've given you a humble outlook towards those who aren't as pure as you, it has given you the direct opposite.

If God looked at all your mistakes and said well He's not pure like me, do you think you'd be where you are now?

The decision after all is yours to make....I can only voice my opinion.

This is the answer.

Finished.

We're all finished.

If you are not going to help, don't bother posting

[Pheena]

im NEVER going to betray her trust and i fully understand what she is going through i took that on the minute she told me BUT i am also dealing with what im going through.......I dont think im perfect or anything like i havent made a major mistakes in my life i have made the right choices i dont think less of her the minute she told me. however, this IS having an affect on me.......for a while i did go down the route of "why me" but i snapped out of it.....i just need time to think but thats the problem i dont have time the wedding is getting closer so what should i do.......i realise she couldnt have told me the minute she meant me becuase she had to work out what type of man i was and based on that she told me. I respect her alot for telling me everything but she tells me she is messed up not only because of her past but also she does not want to let me down......i keep telling her im nobody special but she says im the best thing thats ever happened to her and she doesnt want to lose me......i dont know what to do you know im just lost.......she has totally let that guy go emotionally and now hates him because of i try to calm her down but she get emotional. she beats herself up because she doesnt want to lose me (her words)...........................

It is obvious that she has moved on from her past. You need to talk it out with her...be as honest and open with her as you are on this forum with stranger. If she took the first step towards you making her vulnerable then you must also do the same towards her. You both have the opportunity to come out of this stronger than before.

To me it seems she has surrendered herself to you, she has taken a risk by telling you this and i'm sure you agree it took allot of courage. The issue you are going to have to get through is Forgiveness and understanding that people do make mistakes, they have regrets. We must develop our capacity to forgive others.

If virginity was such a big issue to you, perhaps you should've made the effort to find out before you guys got this far? I don't mean to give you more things to regret about, but i'm just trying to show that after the fact we are filled with regrets and what we could've, would've, should've done. Such is life...some are fortunate enough to not make major mistakes in their lives, others not so much. You as an individual now has to deal with someone who wasn't as fortunate as you. So tell me how is her personality? how is her outlook on life? what are the things you love about her? Is she religious as you? Does she Love the same things in life that you do? Does she make you laugh? Will she provide you with strength when you are weak? Will she love your parents and family as much as you do? Will she defend you or stand by you when no one else does? Perhaps you shouldn't marry her, perhaps she deserves a Husband who can look past her regrets, her mistakes and accept her for what she has become, not what she was. If you cannot resolve this issue with yourself before marriage then don't marry her. You would be just creating a very difficult situation for yourself and from her stand point she doesn't need to be reminded of her past every time you look at her body because it seems she is genuinely trying to move forward.

You can get through this, if you do it can only make you a stronger and wiser person. It is a difficult decision no doubt and it is much easier for me to sit here and type out my thoughts than it is for you to actually live through it. I wish you the best my veer and hope whatever decision you make will be the best for the both of you. I hope i've helped somewhat and not confused you further.

if she knew that you kept ur viginity then he might have kept hers....obviously she didnt

You are assuming she lost her virginity after they had met. Which I don't think is the situation.

[Tarrandeep Kaur]

It is my right to have freedom of speech, so i'll post if i want.

nah its not my intention to wind you up, anyway. If we look back only mehtab paaji has attempted at using gurbani to get an answer. Everyone else is using there own mat. You can ask thousands of people for their advice or opinions, but ultimately only guru sahib matters. If your not sure on what to do next, think of the gurmat way to deal with it.

I cant give you an answer, because everyone is different. You havent said if this girl is amritdhari or not. If she is, then that was all in her past, she has tried to forget about it. If mahraj can forgive us all for the countless mistakes we make day and night, why cant we try and be a bit more forgiving.

vahiguru.

sorry for any mistakes sangat jee.

[Guest Guest]

Tarrandeep kaur, if you go through some of the posts in this thread, in particular by Pheena Ji, they have addressed the issue at hand, IN LINE WITH GURMAT. Just because someone doesn't quote gurbani doesn't mean they are using manmat.

PLEASE, EXPAND YOUR THINKING ...

[Guest peacemaker]

^^

You should have written that the first time. I thought the world was ending!

[Tarrandeep Kaur]

^^

You should've have written that the first time. I thought the world was ending!

hahaha sorry, thought i'd keep you all on your toes