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Questions On Marriage And Religion V Culture


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In sikh marriage, do the girls always have to leave home to live with boy's family? Is that a religious practice or cultural?

My situation is i am girl who is getting engaged. the boy has many brothers and i am only child. he wants me to move into his parents house. i said no, why don't you move to my house because my parents need taking care too. he said no way because it HAS to be the other way around.

He is amritdhari singh so i said, what about equality? guruji states no preference over male or female and we are all supposed to care for our parents (seva). so why u denying me the same right? I told him girls have the same rights as boys do and that his thinking was coming from a cultural prespective not religious. he got annyoed and hung the phone up. I told my parents, they said just talk to him, if not then it is culture and there is nothing you can do. They seem sad about it too but the boys parents are pushing the engagement. I said I do not care for culture, after all culture and religion are not equal.

IMO, this is not equality if girls are forced to leave their families and call in laws as their parents and stuff. it is wrong, why boys don't have to do this? guruji does not state that it should be this way, it is culture. It feels degrading to me to think that the parents I have lived with for 23 years will just have to let go of me as if I am some possession rather than a human being.

Every1 thinks i'm joking or just being diificult but these thoughts are important to me. on a side note, there is another guy i am friends with (nothing else) and he agrees with me. he says that girls and boys should have same right and girls should not be forced to follow culture.

thank u for reading. I appreciate all the help.

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Miss Kaur,

An individual is influenced by both Religion as well as culture.

But the ratio or extent varies from person to person.

Most people pretend to be modern but don't practice what they say "gender equality"

You look quiet determined but frankly it is not your decision !

It all depends on your parents whether they would like a Ghar Jamai or not .

If they agree than find a suitable-willing guy.

In western countries you will come across many couples, where the guy came from India and settled with girl's family after marriage.

In fact that is the only practical way for respectable traditional families to marry their daughter's on time, considering the western environment.

Without families support or initative, genuine singles are rarely interested in marriage (responsibility) in this age !

Therefore would suggest that you have a hearty talk with your folks and then follow suit.

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Guest alphabetsoup

i'm surprised no one has anything to say.

I agree on equality and think that the practices you mentioned are cultural not religious.

did you try to talk to his parents and explain to them? are his brothers older than him/married already?

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Not everything 'cultural' or 'traditional' is bad. This practice is referred to in Gurbani as well (albeit in a different context) and Guru Sahib didn't stop it so there is nothing wrong with it.

Do you agree that Guru Ji's life was an example to us all of how to live? The Gurus' wives came to stay with them in their families, not the other way around! The world operates according to a maryada - men have their roles and women have theirs. One isn't better than the other but we aren't the same either. Equality doesn't mean that we are the same. :)

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VJKK VJKF

Bhainjeeo, its a balance of both. Let me ask you this, why do singhs walk in front at the lavaa? What if you say, I don't think this is right and singh should walk behind you, do you think everyone will be ok with it? You have to consider many things when making such presumptions.

Today you're saying your singh should move into your house with you, tomorrow someone else is going to say bibian should walk in front of singhs, why not follow in the footsteps of our guru sahibaans? Why not look at what they did and how we can follow in their footsteps? MOST of our guru sahibaans lived according to the idea that the wife has to live with her inlaws.

You can argue this point by saying that there are many things that were not done then and now are socially acceptable such as women working and men staying at home to take care of the household/family, etc. our Guru sahibans never did that. But what I'm saying is that our Guru sahibaans lived and preached sikhi practically, making it be socially acceptable in society, same way I would argue that in today's day the practice of the bride moving into her inlaws is socially acceptable among most if not all gursikh families and is also a socially acceptable practice among punjabis/non-sikhs.

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Guest Been There

Bhan-ji.

I read this post and it bought back allot of painful memories for me. If you’re unwilling to make the move yourself then its good that you have told him early how you feel, before considering marriage with one another. Call it tradition, culture or whatever you like but how he feels is the same for the vast majority of guys out there. This very topic cost me my first marriage and my second marriage is also beginning to exhibit similar requests/issues.

Don't get me wrong, the husband should equally care about the brides parents. But moving in with them is a completely different ball game which most will be not be prepared to consider. Distance here will play an important part in your marriage. If your prospective partner lives close to your parents then most won't have a problem with you visiting regularly and helping your folks as and when required. If you're still looking for more, then definitely find someone else who is more open-minded about living with the girl’s parents instead.

Both need to think very very carefully about what you expect before agreeing to any marriage on this matter. If you’re not happy with the arrangement and determined to get what you want afterwards and both are stubborn it will bring immense tension/pressure on your marriage and the end result won’t be a pleasant experience.

Good luck to you both.

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Wjkk Wjkf Phenji

This is a difficult one, and more difficult for me as a male to reply to this because no matte how hard I try some bias is still going to be there, but I will try to be neutral while replying to this issue.

If we look at history of this, well within Sikhs anyway, it shows majority of the times its the girl who goes to the guys house and adapts that family as its new family. This is indeed very difficult for the girl, because a guy has nothing to lose, while the girl has to adapt to a new family which she hardly knows, not as good as its own family anyway. If we say we reverse this and the guy leaves his family and stays with the girl's family, then its probably going to be hurtful for him too. Thats the dilemma, who takes the step? Male ego, unfortunately, is the big player in this. Men, because of whatever social stigmas attached to being a 'ghar jamai', feel their pride will get hurt if they move to girl's place. This is where true respect for each other is tested, isnt it? I mean, if the guy really cares for you, and the family is supportive as well, consider yourself lucky you have got such an understanding partner, otherwise its a different story.

Just a thought - Everything in life is about doing something and then expecting some favour in return. Take anything - materalistic or non-materalistic, its always about give and take. Even with Waheguru ji, we mortals want salvation by reciting His name, some ask for gifts, etc. and so on. So phenji, what will you give to the guy if he moves in with you and shows his true respect for you? You say you treat him just a friend and nothing else, does he considers you the same too? Forgive me for saying this but do you feel you can spend rest of your life with this person? There is much more to marriage , do you see all that with him? If yes, then show him that and make him realise how important he is for you, then see if he understands.

I personally think if you are perfect for each other, then some solution will show up in some form or other, you just have to show your true feelings and have a level headed chat with each other and try to come to some form of understanding. I am sure if Akaal Purakh has decied you two be together, then Wahegu Ji's blessings, you will be, otherwise, just accept the Hukam and carry on with a smiling face :)

When in doubt, lets ask Guruji what He has to say to guide us - Guruji says the true partner is the one and only Sacha Akaal Purakh:

sBnw swhurY vM\xw siB muklwvxhwr ]

sabhanaa saahurai va(n)n(j)anaa sabh mukalaavanehaar ||

Everyone shall go to their Husband Lord. Everyone shall be given their ceremonial send-off after their marriage.

nwnk DMnu sohwgxI ijn sh nwil ipAwru ]4]23]93]

naanak dhha(n)n sohaaganee jin seh naal piaar ||4||23||93||

O Nanak, blessed are the happy soul-brides, who are in love with their Husband Lord. ||4||23||93||

We are told by Guru Nanak Dev Ji to lead a Grahisti Jivan, but more importantly, we must remember who our true and the most faitful is, and that is Sacha Akaal Puraakh, that is THE one that should be in our thoughts all the time.

Hehe, ive given a big lecture but how many of this do I actually follow? :) Sorry Phenji, I probably have confused rather than helping but what can a moorakh like me do? Just do a sincere ardaas sometime and let Guruji guide you Himeself, nothing can beat that :)

Sorry if Ive said anything that is inappropriate!

Fateh Jeo!!

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Guest _GUEST_

Thanks every1 for the wonderful advice.

I am going to go and talk with him and his parents today. Will keep you all updated!

I have another Q though: how do you guys feel about girls keeping their own last name after marriage? I use kaur as my last name so I don't have this problem but I'm wondering about those who have family surnames.

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Guest _MrSingh_
In sikh marriage, do the girls always have to leave home to live with boy's family? Is that a religious practice or cultural?

My situation is i am girl who is getting engaged. the boy has many brothers and i am only child. he wants me to move into his parents house. i said no, why don't you move to my house because my parents need taking care too. he said no way because it HAS to be the other way around.

He is amritdhari singh so i said, what about equality? guruji states no preference over male or female and we are all supposed to care for our parents (seva). so why u denying me the same right? I told him girls have the same rights as boys do and that his thinking was coming from a cultural prespective not religious. he got annyoed and hung the phone up. I told my parents, they said just talk to him, if not then it is culture and there is nothing you can do. They seem sad about it too but the boys parents are pushing the engagement. I said I do not care for culture, after all culture and religion are not equal.

IMO, this is not equality if girls are forced to leave their families and call in laws as their parents and stuff. it is wrong, why boys don't have to do this? guruji does not state that it should be this way, it is culture. It feels degrading to me to think that the parents I have lived with for 23 years will just have to let go of me as if I am some possession rather than a human being.

Every1 thinks i'm joking or just being diificult but these thoughts are important to me. on a side note, there is another guy i am friends with (nothing else) and he agrees with me. he says that girls and boys should have same right and girls should not be forced to follow culture.

thank u for reading. I appreciate all the help.

I one hundred per cent agree with you my sister. I feel so strongly about this too. Why do the girls have to leave home. I support you my and encourage you to fight for your rights. People say it has always been this way but things have changed. The role of men and women have changed. Women now are breadwinners too. In the lavaa, i wouldn't want my wife walking behind me, i'd make her walk by my side. Guru Ji's wives only stayed with them because back then they probably didn't work and a womens role was regarded as being a house wife. Also, look at who they were marrying, the Guru! So i don't think that argument holds.

I feel sorry for you and your parents because you are the only child.

And about what people will think, forget about it. Thats why things never change because even when people want to, they don't because they're worried about what other people would think. Its not religious, its a cultural problem.

Why should you leave home. Don't do it man. Its crucial you don't give in if you feel really strong about it all. The only other way if your partner does not want that is for you to both to move out and live in your own home.

Good luck

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Guest promarital_jatt

hey this is cultural, but marriage is also a cultural custom. Without culture people would make partners without a ceremony, such as boyfriend and girlfriend, as u see quite a few amrit-dharis doing these days, because they don't follow culture.

So, marriage is cultural too, and from culture come more culture lol

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