Help And Advice Please

[Guest kkaurd]

I would like to get some opinions on the situation I am in, I have been in a relationship for 3 years, we are both sikh and our families are happy for us to get married even though we are not the same caste. the issue I have is that he is the only son, and his father died. therefore, the responsibility of his mother, bibi and two sisters falls to him.

i know i will probably come across as an awful person, but after we are married i do not want to live with his family, i don't mind if we live round the corner, or even two doors away, but i want to have my own house. maybe i am too modern or westernised, but he says that after his sisters are married and his mother is alone, he will want her to come and live with us.

I always dreamed of having my own house and bringing up our children how i wanted. Don't get me wrong, i get on with his family very well, and I am sure i would be at his mothers house all the time, its just that i would like my own house.

i feel awful for even thinking these things, but i just don't know what to do. maybe it is because my mother who is also alone is very independent and strong, and does everything for herself, whereas his mother doesnt want to live alone.

we are at the point now where we are very close to breaking up. i do not want to lose him, he is a wonderful man, kind and ambitious, i feel honoured to have met such an amazing person.

the thing is that, the qualities which made me fall in love with him in the first plac, such as knowing he is a family person so would make a great husband and father, are the things we are arguing over now.

i am sure many people will read this and say i am a horrible person, or i am too westernised for not following normal sikh culture, but i feel a huge conflict over doing this, and what i want personally.

i have mainly white friends who can't understand the situation at all, so i was just wondering what my fellow brothers and sisters opinions were? sorry this has been so long, but i would appreciate any advice, as we are both so confused and unhappy at the moment.

[Papi]

Typical thinking of today's "modern" kuria where they always want things to go their way always and refuse to make adjustments, even when it's clear that agreeing to a compromise is the only solution.

Plain and simple, you have 2 choices, either you live with his mother or you can forget about him. If you insist on having your own house etc. then do the munda a big favour, break it up right away, take the guy out of his misery.

PS. Get offended if you like, I gave you the truth without any bs

[Guest HaRdKaUrWaRrIoRz]

um , are u mature enuff to get married, didnt you think beforehand that marrying a sikh guy with good values ,that you would be living with his rents?

i dont think u think far enough into the future, which is why im questioning ur maturity, no offense but i still think u arent thinking about ur future, what about when you two work,who will take care of your children? dont tell me that you would easily set up a baby sitter for them, i would never do that to my children unless there was no other way, hence, having grandparents around ( your sas or saura) helps, and think about it, they are like ur parents, what do you expect her to do> she is widowed!!! are u that heartless that you would leave her hanging liekthat? do you know how much faith parents have in their son to take care of them when theyre old, why do u think thats such a big deal in our community ( having a son)

you have to realize and look around u and wake up! how you treat your mom and dad ( and yes ur husbands mom and dad are urs too) is how your children will treat you one day, when you are close to your deathbed, that\s when god will show you things to make you realize what you did but it will be too late, noone , none of your kdis will take care of you, do you want that> can u imagine that> what a lonely life. your children see what you do in your life and model that behavior i doubt that you would want a daughter in law like urself when you get old..

i seriously think u really really need to grow up, u arent mature enuff to marry, you are a really really short term thinker which is not safe in any situation for that matter:S

think about ur future, ur kids' future and for god's sake have some compassion man

if you break up with ur soon to be husband over this,, that would be a sad sad day and you will regret it for the rest of your life

take some time and think about things, take a break from ur husband if u want to, maybe there is some other underlying issue that you two have and this is your way of taking off steam..tell him that im not going to break up with u ( because u two are sikh and thast not how sikhs work) and that you just want to regroup ur thoughts and see if theres another issue at hand here

maybe you are testing what he is willing to do for you, if you are then this isnt a fair test...i dont know what your inner motives really are but i thikn you need to sit down on your own and really think for urself!

[Guest singhsingh]

Read bhenjees post over again, wonderfully put!

you have to realize and look around u and wake up! how you treat your mom and dad ( and yes ur husbands mom and dad are urs too) is how your children will treat you one day, when you are close to your deathbed, that\s when god will show you things to make you realize what you did but it will be too late, noone , none of your kdis will take care of you, do you want that> can u imagine that> what a lonely life. your children see what you do in your life and model that behavior i doubt that you would want a daughter in law like urself when you get old..

[Guest .]

vaheguroo. looking after your suss in her old age is a great seva, you should be grabbing the opportunity with both hands..if maharaaj gives you seva, you take it without question.

also, dass isn't married, but knows that marriage requires huge compromise. this will be the first of many, and you will have to show a little more selflessness otherwise the relationship won't work.

bhull chuk maaf.

[neemaana]

WJKK WJKF OP

I will suggest to break up now rather than few years in to marriage and making the house (your sora house) a living hell with your attitude and putting poor guy in situation where he is unable to leave either of you (you or his mum)

WJKK WJKF

Daas

[AmarjitKaur]

All I know and saw so far is that life is full of problems/hurdles/troubles. You can skip over these foreseen problems by giving up heere jiha munda (i am not sure but must be in your eyes). But life is not sitting infront of you with bed of roses only. You can avoid these, but you won't be able to avoid others. The real challenge in life and achievement is how to solve them not run from them. By running from your situation, you know you are loosing something very anmol (love of your life so far), which you may not ever feel again for someone else. Punjabi vich kehde ne "JoRiyan jug thorRiya, par naraR bathere". So beeba jee, worry na karo, te babaji daa na laike, chup kar ke age vadho. baki rab bhali karoo. sas vee akhir ik soul hai babaji dee bheji hoyee. problems will come, just sit together and discuss with your would be hubby and solve them rationaly, intelligentially. It may not be your way all the time, but thats what life is all about anyways, COMPROMISES. How many times you have to compromise at work?? How many times we have to compromise while at grocery store, with kids, with friends. Life is every where full of compromises. Life nu khushi khushi jeeNa hai, ghut ghut ke vakat kati nahi karna.

[london001]

Hey - you've met a great guy don't spoil it. If you leave him then what - maybe you'll never another person like him? Is it really worth it? What matters more to you - having your own house or knowing at night the man sleeping next to you is the man you love, respect and admire. A man who didn't turn his back on his own mother, a man who is loyal. Those are good qualities and are lacking in the world today.

[sonearyetSOfar]

As people have said already - compromise.

The thing i took from your post was that he said he's like his mother to come and stay with you guys AFTER his sisters are married. Now i don't know how long that will be, but i'm guessing if you marry him in 'year 1' then it will take another two years at least for the sisters to marry - can't see two girls of one family being married in the same year.

so initial stages of family life will be on your own anyway.

a) it is VERY rare that a guy says straight up, i want to look after my mum when she's alone - usually it's an obligation

b) no offence or whatever but in reality how long do you think you will have to look after her anyway after his sisters are married; and how long will she be able to 'affect' your kids lives - if she's that sort of person - with her getting old and not being able to offer much more than love and comfort to grankids.

c) as i said, you'll be on your own for a while, and then you won't have long with her, and even then you'll probably be working mostly, AND when you're both home your husband will most likely do most of the caring.

d) you will have time alone with your husband until sister's get married, and after that she will most likely, on occasion, go and stay with her daughters.

Also where would his mother go, if he wasn't there to look after her? living on her own? in an old peoples home? (which i've never heard of from an indian family, although it probably happens)

[SunSingh]

You owe it to this guy to be honest and upfront with him. Stringing him along while you try to make up your mind (if that is what you are doing) is despicable. You need to think hard, what's the best case scenario, the worst case scenario, and the most realistic scenario of all the different choices that YOU MAY ACTUALLY MAKE in this situation? For the worst case scenario, how likely is it to actually happen, if it does how can you deal with it, is it really even that bad????

Seems like you are in a good opportunity. Perhaps comprimise by discussing your need for privacy while living with him and his parents. Maybe a suite for the two of you in the same house?? Or a separate office for yourself and him to relax in?