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Help And Advice Please


Guest kkaurd

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This kind of points out how hypocritcal we've become as a society and as a religion. We sit infront of guru sahib ji and say that yes we are two bodies and one soul and yet we still cant understand and compromise with each other... we dont think of the well-being of the other person and only look at how WE want our life to work out. A marriage works with the wishes of both families-like the whole clapping with two hands and not one. Meaning your marriage will work if you two work together... We also say our families are one where the inlaws are given the same respect and place as birth parents and all... its all words not real... You need to either leave the guy ad let him find someone who has same views as him cuz even if you do say ok to living with his mum you know you dont want to so you'll only create conflict in his life and make him and yourself miserable... if you really wanna b with this guy then think of the good things that come with in laws living in the house. Did you know when you have elders in your house they usually end up teaching your children more than you do? Parents are usually busy doing wrk in their fast paced lives and raising children with good values and morals are usually given through grandparents. Plus hello im sure you'll have control over how you want your house to look like- the atmosphere and all so no prob there... If you really love him, then respecting his mother and loving her as your own would be showing respect to him because thats where he came from-his mum... so have a heart to heart (with yourself) and decide where you stand...you mum mite be independent and all but it doesnt necessarily mean his will be independent too...

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Bhenji

I understand that you may have a desire to have your own house - and why not? I don’t think its a modern thing at all - my in-laws are a lot older than my own parents and have a much more strict environment than I am used to. As such this was a major shock to my system whereby I couldn’t interact with them in the way that I interact with my own parents.

Saying that I did live with them for a year before we bought a house a few doors down - currently my in-laws are healthy enough to look after themselves and such we are near enough should they need us but I still have my own peace of mind. Also if we treat them like children they do become that!

As such if this is such an issue - maybe a compromise is required - such as buying a house next door and when the time comes knowing that it is your responsibility to take your in-laws into your home to look after them.

By me living a few doors down means is that I don’t come to loggerheads with them due to the differences in opinions and with so many large strong personalities in a house it can become difficult to just see the good and not the bad.

People can say what they want of your situation especially if they are unmarried as trust me when you get married everything changes you can’t appreciate the difficulties you will face.

Ultimately though you should remember that should such a situation arise where your in-laws are no longer financially or physically capable of looking after themselves then indeed you must look after them.

People will judge but only you and your future husband can decide what is best for you especially as your fiancé should know what you are like and what his mother is like - (i.e. will there be a bit of a clash due to 2 strong personalities).

Again - I only talk from experience having been one of these girls who thought I would live with my in-laws - and then having to face the reality that a little distance keeps every happy sometimes.

Remember we are all but human and what ever decision you make you must be happy with it.

Bhul Chuk Maaf

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I don't know if 'kkaurd' is still going to read this, but here are my two cents...

First of all... Don't hate me, but I think it's absolutely ridiculous, that within the 3 year period of your relationship, this topic was not brought up. If a couple, like you two, who were and are serious about each other and have decided on marriage, then I don't understand why you two didn't discuss this matter earlier. I'm not trying to confuse you, or bash you..but it would make sense that a serious couple would have such discussions. You should have considered looking into this beforehand. It is, actually, quite confusing to hear that within those three years, you hadn't decided on such an important matter. :S

Second... If you really love him, you'd accept his mother's wishes as well...but most of all, you'd accept his wishes too. To be quite frank, I used to always think the same way...that I didn't want to live with the guy's siblings or parents at all. I completely understand where you're coming from...but that's why you should find these kinds of things out first, and agree to marriage once you've agreed with everything else that is equally as important..such as living with his parents/sisters.

All in all... I just can't believe your 3 year relationship is going down the drain because of something that should have been looked at beforehand.

we are at the point now where we are very close to breaking up.

the thing is that, the qualities which made me fall in love with him in the first plac, such as knowing he is a family person so would make a great husband and father, are the things we are arguing over now.

..... Huh? Come again...? :S

i am sure many people will read this and say i am a horrible person, or i am too westernised for not following normal sikh culture, but i feel a huge conflict over doing this, and what i want personally.

This doesn't have to do with Sikh way of life. What you're talking about is only in Punjabi culture. There is nothing wrong with thinking this way. The thing that IS wrong however, is that this wasn't discussed between you and him in the past three years. Future planning is much more than just where you're going to live, how many kids and/or cars you'll have. There are couples planning their kids names, and they don't even know anything about their families yet. I call this poor organization planning, lol.

i have mainly white friends who can't understand the situation at all, so i was just wondering what my fellow brothers and sisters opinions were? sorry this has been so long, but i would appreciate any advice, as we are both so confused and unhappy at the moment.

99.9% of my friends are white so, again, I completely understand how you feel. But hey... You gotta remember that this is NOT religion. This is culture. Don't feel bad about not following the Punjabi culture. I think I follow only 5% of the Punjabi culture...which only includes wearing suits when I go to the Gurudwara, eating Punjabi dishes, and knowing how to read the language (but that's only because I wanted to read Gurbaanee in Gurmukhi format, instead of the Roman format...) I don't know how to speak Punjabi properly, and people talk bs about that all the time.

Anyway... I'll be honest here.. Asking the sangat for help regarding this matter won't do you any good.

The most you can do is stick with what you want ...ORRRRR... you can live with your mother-in-law until your sister-in-law(s) agree to take her into their respected home(s)

Butttt...You're fixated on your decision, and his mother/he doesn't agree.

Again...I still say this should have been discussed between the two of you, the couple, during the past three years.

You can always just live really close to them too.

Either way..

Hope you figure, and work it out penji.

...peace

Also... People shouldn't think that only the girls think this way..about not wanting to live with the in-laws. Many guys are not willing to live with their parents either..but they have to either because the guy is the only son, or because he's the youngest. It's not only the girls who feel this way.

The guys who think it's selfish for girls to feel this way should stop judging girls as inconsiderate or modern/western when it comes to this discussion.

Guys should put themselves in the girls' shoes and try to understand why we feel this way.

Personally, I would never want to get married into a household where I had to live with my in-laws because I feel that I don't want to have any parent-figures other than MY OWN parents.

It's because I know I'd feel out of place, and that I wouldn't get along with the in-laws because of these feelings.

It's not easy going to a house and living with people you don't know well, and it's also very difficult to see these new relatives as your own parents.

Now, many people might say that this is still selfish because his parents are her parents, and her parents are his parents. Butttt.. The ones you lived with, who raised you, who taught you how to ride your bike, who showered you , who cleaned your nose and showered you again are your PARENTS!! I would NEVER feel like developing a mother-daughter/father-daughter relationship with anyone else. If I was ever going to marry, I'd definitely respect and care for my mother-in-law the same way I would respect and care for my own mother, but it's just impossible to love and spend time with her the same way. That's like asking a mother to develop the great relationship with her daughter-in-law, asking her to love and spend time with her the same way she did with her own daughter.

That's just impossible, let alone asking a girl to get along with the father-in-law the same way the girl got along with her own father. That's even...harder.

Girls are being asked of way too much, without people (guys) understanding anything at all.

It's unfortunate to us because guys can't understand/feel this.

99%+ of you will never have to either.

You guys are quite fortunate.

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Guest kkaurd

hi everyone

i just wanted to say thankyou for all the replies, in answer to the last reply, we talked about this issue when we first met, i told him where i stood and how i felt about living in his house and he agreed that he did not want to live there, and that we would have a house nearby, this was agreed, until recently when he told me that he had changed his mind, and that his mother was putting pressure on him to stay at home. that is why the confusion has arisen, and why we are close to breaking up.

also to all the people who have implied that i would not be looking after, or would be abandoning his mother in a care home, must not have read the original post properly, as i clearly said that i thought it a good compromise to live nearby and visit his mother everyday. i fail to see how that is not looking after her?

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The matter at hand concerns the couple & their respective families.

There is no right or wrong.

You should decide only after talking & discussing with the guy & his family members.

If it's o.k with him & his family then go ahead.

Otherwise search your own soul and be true to yourself as well as others. Then take the appropriate step.

Now reality check for all

When you or your parents or grand parents came from India, they too left behind their parents so how is this different ?

It is easy to point fingure at others.

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also to all the people who have implied that i would not be looking after, or would be abandoning his mother in a care home, must not have read the original post properly, as i clearly said that i thought it a good compromise to live nearby and visit his mother everyday. i fail to see how that is not looking after her?

Ermm.. Quite honestly penji...living right next door ISN'T even properly taking care of her. When you're old, your body is very unpredictable, so I'm sorry. I completely disagree with you here. Taking care of her is taking care of her...not living in another house, while she could (God forbid) be in pain, or couldn't move. She lost her husband, so please put yourself in her shoes and think about what is important. She will live a safer, healthier and better life if she is going to live with you.

- She's not young, and she will need help at random times. Perhaps she couldn't reach the phone or whatever..

- Even if you lived right next door..suppose she (God forbid) trips/falls/gets dizzy, you won't know. So what's the use of living right beside her, let alone around the street.......................???

- Would you like it if your mom wasn't being looked after properly?

*The best you can do is to live alone with your (future) husband and mother-in-law for now...and when your (future) sister(s)-in-law all get married, one can take your mother-in-law with her, OR you take her in your home.*

You're on a Sikhi forum, so I'm gonna have to point out....Guru jis have taught us to respect our parents, AND if you're not going to agree to have your mother-in-law live with you because you want to be alone, that IS being selfish...which is disrespectful.

Again.. Would you want your mother living alone, or would you want your mother and (possible) sister-in-law to not come to an agreement about such an important matter?

If he doesn't have a father anymore, it makes sense why he's considering having his mom live with you guys.

In this situation, I honestly believe you should put aside your personal desires. And man...I KNOW that if I were to get married, I would..

- make sure the guy doesn't have the responsibility of taking care of his parents waaaaaaaay ahead of time (as soon as one would sense/feel the compatibility)

OR

- make sure I have an excellent and close/open relationship with the parents-in-law if I were to live with them

AND

- compromise with him and his mother if this situation ever came up (meaning I would agree with them)

If you have a great relationship with her, I fail to understand why this situation is a problem for you.......

It's seva, man. Honestly.. If you love ...(even) like him, you would be willing to compromise.

When you are married, you are one. His parent(s) become(s) your parent(s). Yours become his. His sisters/brothers/cousins/aunts/uncles, etc are all yours as well. So when you're thinking of his mother, you should not think about having to take care of his mother..but instead your mother. So please picture your mother in the same situation.

Here, I will have to point out that I really DO believe you are being selfish.

If he, himself, agreed with you earlier on that you would without your parents-in-law...and now he's saying that he can't..that he has to live with his mom...that obviouslyyyyyyy means this wasn't his plan either.

Therefore, I think you need to be a little less selfish at the moment.

Think about it penji.... He is her creation. Why not cherish the opportunity of living with the one who gave birth to the man you have come to love, and see as a great man.

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Sometimes, I think we really spoil our future and present by thinking too much about the future.

What can I say??

Mother is a parent, agreed. Should be respected, agreed. babaji's sent soul, agreed. seva of parents, agreed.

But I do disagree on spoiling a good relationship because of parents who love us. If parents really love their kids, they would love and set the kid free and not impose that marry this girl only if she agrees to keep us in the house. That is blackmailing the kids. I may be wrong.

Now, I have 2 boys, very little yet. but when I think about my future now, I don't think I wanna tie them to me. Man, I raised them with babaji's grace, but I am not going to put limits on their future because of me. a girl, who would marry, she is also leaving her parents behind, she won't bring them with her, and then why our society demands that parents of boy should be taken care of , but girl's parents would stay with her son (if they have any son) or will live alone.

Have our society reached to the point, that boys are by their heart, ready to accept another set of parents as well as their own. I can tell you, 90% of the boys won't agree to that. Then they will tell you what indian culture is. SIKHISM gets forgotton at the point and culture is remembered. Girl didn't fall off the trees either, she was born to parents too, and she was cared for as well and raised as well, given educatin as well by parents as did the boys from their parents. Why our society has double standards??

Girl's parents don't need care, are not they souls sent from GOD, doesn't sikhi say for them to be cared for. But somehow those parents (of the girl), don't keep expectations from their daughter, but the boys parents from day one, start dreaming that they will be taken care of by their sons and their wives.

I don't have question for one single person. I have question for whole society. WHY DOUBLE STANDARDS??

Answer me this one, then I would agree that a girl should accept boy's parents happily if boy agrees to take care of girl's parents happily.

So solution for this girl on hand, is sit with this boy, tell him that I want my parents to move in with me, after 5 years (whatever time liimit, whenever your dad or mom retires, as your parents don't wanna live with their son if they have any, they love me so much, they wanna be close to me), and then check how deep the waters are. If boy agrees, (possibly get it written somewhere), then go ahead, say yes to him to have his mother live with you. But if he says no, then you know he is one of those 90% people who play double standards.

Sorry, if I am going to cause any trouble by suggesting this, but our society do need a reality check.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's weird because when you're old and lonely you'll be praying for people to want to be around you. The woman's husband died and she probably loves her son to death so I don't see the problem. In my experience children who grow up with grandparents around all the time turn out so much better because they have the constant love of an elder.

My gran lived with us for a few years when we were younger and when she went to live somewhere else my life just wasn't the same. I liked being around her more than my parents because they were always stressed with work and each other. You and your husband will have plenty of alone time and the woman isn't gonna stop you from going on nights out etc. With a mum in law you've got a part time (if not full time) nanny, cook, cleaner and when things get lonely- which they will at times- friend. Trust me, unless shes a really abd person, you've got it good- just don't treat her like <banned word filter activated> and things should be fine.

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