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Guest kkaurd
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Guest HaRdKaUrWaRrIoRz

i dont know are u living under a rock or something, i thought this was so blatantly obvious to all women, its on tv , talk shows, magazines... the concept of how a guy treats his mother reflects how he will treat you..duh thats why u sed hes a good guy, he treats u good cus he treats his mother good...doesnt everyone know this one:S

i just googled the phrase and got a whole bunch of hits cus its such a well known thing..anyway if u dont take my word for it here's an article

http://marriage.families.com/blog/what-you-can-learn-from-how-he-treats-his-mother

so you are lucky and u shud hold on in my honest opinion, rest is up to u, just dont make a big mistake either way

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I would like to get some opinions on the situation I am in, I have been in a relationship for 3 years, we are both sikh and our families are happy for us to get married even though we are not the same caste. the issue I have is that he is the only son, and his father died. therefore, the responsibility of his mother, bibi and two sisters falls to him.

i know i will probably come across as an awful person, but after we are married i do not want to live with his family, i don't mind if we live round the corner, or even two doors away, but i want to have my own house. maybe i am too modern or westernised, but he says that after his sisters are married and his mother is alone, he will want her to come and live with us.

I always dreamed of having my own house and bringing up our children how i wanted. Don't get me wrong, i get on with his family very well, and I am sure i would be at his mothers house all the time, its just that i would like my own house.

i feel awful for even thinking these things, but i just don't know what to do. maybe it is because my mother who is also alone is very independent and strong, and does everything for herself, whereas his mother doesnt want to live alone.

we are at the point now where we are very close to breaking up. i do not want to lose him, he is a wonderful man, kind and ambitious, i feel honoured to have met such an amazing person.

the thing is that, the qualities which made me fall in love with him in the first plac, such as knowing he is a family person so would make a great husband and father, are the things we are arguing over now.

i am sure many people will read this and say i am a horrible person, or i am too westernised for not following normal sikh culture, but i feel a huge conflict over doing this, and what i want personally.

i have mainly white friends who can't understand the situation at all, so i was just wondering what my fellow brothers and sisters opinions were? sorry this has been so long, but i would appreciate any advice, as we are both so confused and unhappy at the moment.

Bhenji I hate to be so blunt but if you expect to have a good relationship by neglecting your inlaws who are your parents then Good Luck because it wont happen.

Bhai Gurdas ji who is the key to understanding Gurbani mentions

http://www.sikhitothemax.com/page.asp?ShabadID=5666

and mentions

http://www.sikhitothemax.com/page.asp?ShabadID=6370

DO you want to be such a bride as the above shabad mentoins.

Also Bhai Gurdas Ji states

mW ipau prhir suxY vydu Bydu n jwxY kQw khwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar sunai vaedh bhaedh n jaanai kathhaa kehaanee||

Renouncing the parents, the listener of Vedas cannot understand their mystery.

mW ipau prhir krY qpu vxKMif Bulw iPrY ibbwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar karai thap vanakha(n)dd bhulaa firai bibaanee||

Repudiating the parents, meditation in the forest is similar to the wanderings at deserted places.

mW ipau prhir krY pUju dyvI dyv n syv kmwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar karai pooj dhaevee dhaev n saev kamaanee||

The service and worship to the Gods and Goddesses are useless if one has renounced his parents.

mW ipau prhir nHwvxw ATsiT qIrQ GuMmx vwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar nhaavanaa at(h)asat(h) theerathh ghu(n)man vaanee||

Without service to the parents, bath at the sixty-eight pilgrimage centres is nothing but gyrating in a whirlpool.

mW ipau prhir krY dwn byeImwn AigAwn prwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar karai dhaan baeeemaan agiaan paraanee||

The person who having deserted his parents performs charities, is corrupt and ignorant.

mW ipau prhir vrq kir mir mir jMmY Brim BulwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar varath kar mar mar ja(n)mai bharam bhulaanee||

He who repudiating the parents undertakes fasts, goes on to wander in the cycle of births and deaths.

guru prmysru swru n jwxI ]13]

gur paramaesar saar n jaanee ||13||

That man (in fact) has not understood the essence of Guru and God.(13)

There is a rehatnams by BHai Desa Singh Ji who had darshan of Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji. he mentions that anybody who disrespcts their parents will lose all godly knowledge. Without Godly knowledge there is no hope for Mukhti( liberation). By neglecting your future mother in law you are not only bringing a great burden upon yourself you will be bringing a great burden upon the man you claim you love. I have my ups and downs with my parents since we have different beliefs and customs but I think it would be unfair to neglect them since they raised me up. Its part of our lekht ( karma) for parents us to raise and care for us as children and in return we care and support them when they get older. Why would you want your mother in law to live by herself and be apart from her son. That would be depressing. I have worked with people who live by themselves and they are very unhealthy mentally, physically and spiritually. It is a Husbands duty to love his wife everyday, it a wifs duty to serve her Husband if she ever wants peace. This may just seem like traditional roles to you but in fact this is about spirituality. Guru Ji mentions man and wife are two bodies but one light for this light to merge the roles must be accepted and practiced with upmost faith.

Guru Ji mentions

ssurY pyeIAY kMq kI kMqu AgMmu AQwhu ]

sasurai paeeeai ka(n)th kee ka(n)th aga(n)m athhaahu ||

In her father-in-law's home hereafter, and in her parents' home in this world, she belongs to her Husband Lord. Her Husband is inaccessible and unfathomable.

nwnk DMnu suohwgxI jo Bwvih vyprvwh ]2]

naanak dhha(n)n suohaaganee jo bhaavehi vaeparavaah ||2||

O Nanak, she is the happy soul-bride, who is pleasing to her carefree, independent Lord. ||2||

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Great Post Sukhdeep Singh Jee..

very informing and enlightening.

I would like to get some opinions on the situation I am in, I have been in a relationship for 3 years, we are both sikh and our families are happy for us to get married even though we are not the same caste. the issue I have is that he is the only son, and his father died. therefore, the responsibility of his mother, bibi and two sisters falls to him.

i know i will probably come across as an awful person, but after we are married i do not want to live with his family, i don't mind if we live round the corner, or even two doors away, but i want to have my own house. maybe i am too modern or westernised, but he says that after his sisters are married and his mother is alone, he will want her to come and live with us.

I always dreamed of having my own house and bringing up our children how i wanted. Don't get me wrong, i get on with his family very well, and I am sure i would be at his mothers house all the time, its just that i would like my own house.

i feel awful for even thinking these things, but i just don't know what to do. maybe it is because my mother who is also alone is very independent and strong, and does everything for herself, whereas his mother doesnt want to live alone.

we are at the point now where we are very close to breaking up. i do not want to lose him, he is a wonderful man, kind and ambitious, i feel honoured to have met such an amazing person.

the thing is that, the qualities which made me fall in love with him in the first plac, such as knowing he is a family person so would make a great husband and father, are the things we are arguing over now.

i am sure many people will read this and say i am a horrible person, or i am too westernised for not following normal sikh culture, but i feel a huge conflict over doing this, and what i want personally.

i have mainly white friends who can't understand the situation at all, so i was just wondering what my fellow brothers and sisters opinions were? sorry this has been so long, but i would appreciate any advice, as we are both so confused and unhappy at the moment.

Bhenji I hate to be so blunt but if you expect to have a good relationship by neglecting your inlaws who are your parents then Good Luck because it wont happen.

Bhai Gurdas ji who is the key to understanding Gurbani mentions

http://www.sikhitoth...p?ShabadID=5666

and mentions

http://www.sikhitoth...p?ShabadID=6370

DO you want to be such a bride as the above shabad mentoins.

Also Bhai Gurdas Ji states

mW ipau prhir suxY vydu Bydu n jwxY kQw khwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar sunai vaedh bhaedh n jaanai kathhaa kehaanee||

Renouncing the parents, the listener of Vedas cannot understand their mystery.

mW ipau prhir krY qpu vxKMif Bulw iPrY ibbwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar karai thap vanakha(n)dd bhulaa firai bibaanee||

Repudiating the parents, meditation in the forest is similar to the wanderings at deserted places.

mW ipau prhir krY pUju dyvI dyv n syv kmwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar karai pooj dhaevee dhaev n saev kamaanee||

The service and worship to the Gods and Goddesses are useless if one has renounced his parents.

mW ipau prhir nHwvxw ATsiT qIrQ GuMmx vwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar nhaavanaa at(h)asat(h) theerathh ghu(n)man vaanee||

Without service to the parents, bath at the sixty-eight pilgrimage centres is nothing but gyrating in a whirlpool.

mW ipau prhir krY dwn byeImwn AigAwn prwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar karai dhaan baeeemaan agiaan paraanee||

The person who having deserted his parents performs charities, is corrupt and ignorant.

mW ipau prhir vrq kir mir mir jMmY Brim BulwxI]

maa(n) pio parehar varath kar mar mar ja(n)mai bharam bhulaanee||

He who repudiating the parents undertakes fasts, goes on to wander in the cycle of births and deaths.

guru prmysru swru n jwxI ]13]

gur paramaesar saar n jaanee ||13||

That man (in fact) has not understood the essence of Guru and God.(13)

There is a rehatnams by BHai Desa Singh Ji who had darshan of Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji. he mentions that anybody who disrespcts their parents will lose all godly knowledge. Without Godly knowledge there is no hope for Mukhti( liberation). By neglecting your future mother in law you are not only bringing a great burden upon yourself you will be bringing a great burden upon the man you claim you love. I have my ups and downs with my parents since we have different beliefs and customs but I think it would be unfair to neglect them since they raised me up. Its part of our lekht ( karma) for parents us to raise and care for us as children and in return we care and support them when they get older. Why would you want your mother in law to live by herself and be apart from her son. That would be depressing. I have worked with people who live by themselves and they are very unhealthy mentally, physically and spiritually. It is a Husbands duty to love his wife everyday, it a wifs duty to serve her Husband if she ever wants peace. This may just seem like traditional roles to you but in fact this is about spirituality. Guru Ji mentions man and wife are two bodies but one light for this light to merge the roles must be accepted and practiced with upmost faith.

Guru Ji mentions

ssurY pyeIAY kMq kI kMqu AgMmu AQwhu ]

sasurai paeeeai ka(n)th kee ka(n)th aga(n)m athhaahu ||

In her father-in-law's home hereafter, and in her parents' home in this world, she belongs to her Husband Lord. Her Husband is inaccessible and unfathomable.

nwnk DMnu suohwgxI jo Bwvih vyprvwh ]2]

naanak dhha(n)n suohaaganee jo bhaavehi vaeparavaah ||2||

O Nanak, she is the happy soul-bride, who is pleasing to her carefree, independent Lord. ||2||

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Guest --Gupt**Singh--

sorry to say this but - if you want you own house at the cost at moving him away from the guys mum and dad, my honest opinion - is forget this guy, and go find a guy who is an only child whose parents (unfortunately) have already passed away.

the guys father has passed away - this means that he is in charge of the family, he cannot leave the house and marry you. His sisters and mother alone, and when the sisters are married, he can not leave his mother alone.

personally - i hope in my near future when I'm getting married i never find some like you, who would have me leave my family and leave my parents in a care home, i would rather be single all my life than to spend a second of it with the likes of someone with your views.

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This kind of points out how hypocritcal we've become as a society and as a religion. We sit infront of guru sahib ji and say that yes we are two bodies and one soul and yet we still cant understand and compromise with each other... we dont think of the well-being of the other person and only look at how WE want our life to work out. A marriage works with the wishes of both families-like the whole clapping with two hands and not one. Meaning your marriage will work if you two work together... We also say our families are one where the inlaws are given the same respect and place as birth parents and all... its all words not real... You need to either leave the guy ad let him find someone who has same views as him cuz even if you do say ok to living with his mum you know you dont want to so you'll only create conflict in his life and make him and yourself miserable... if you really wanna b with this guy then think of the good things that come with in laws living in the house. Did you know when you have elders in your house they usually end up teaching your children more than you do? Parents are usually busy doing wrk in their fast paced lives and raising children with good values and morals are usually given through grandparents. Plus hello im sure you'll have control over how you want your house to look like- the atmosphere and all so no prob there... If you really love him, then respecting his mother and loving her as your own would be showing respect to him because thats where he came from-his mum... so have a heart to heart (with yourself) and decide where you stand...you mum mite be independent and all but it doesnt necessarily mean his will be independent too...

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Bhenji

I understand that you may have a desire to have your own house - and why not? I don’t think its a modern thing at all - my in-laws are a lot older than my own parents and have a much more strict environment than I am used to. As such this was a major shock to my system whereby I couldn’t interact with them in the way that I interact with my own parents.

Saying that I did live with them for a year before we bought a house a few doors down - currently my in-laws are healthy enough to look after themselves and such we are near enough should they need us but I still have my own peace of mind. Also if we treat them like children they do become that!

As such if this is such an issue - maybe a compromise is required - such as buying a house next door and when the time comes knowing that it is your responsibility to take your in-laws into your home to look after them.

By me living a few doors down means is that I don’t come to loggerheads with them due to the differences in opinions and with so many large strong personalities in a house it can become difficult to just see the good and not the bad.

People can say what they want of your situation especially if they are unmarried as trust me when you get married everything changes you can’t appreciate the difficulties you will face.

Ultimately though you should remember that should such a situation arise where your in-laws are no longer financially or physically capable of looking after themselves then indeed you must look after them.

People will judge but only you and your future husband can decide what is best for you especially as your fiancé should know what you are like and what his mother is like - (i.e. will there be a bit of a clash due to 2 strong personalities).

Again - I only talk from experience having been one of these girls who thought I would live with my in-laws - and then having to face the reality that a little distance keeps every happy sometimes.

Remember we are all but human and what ever decision you make you must be happy with it.

Bhul Chuk Maaf

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I don't know if 'kkaurd' is still going to read this, but here are my two cents...

First of all... Don't hate me, but I think it's absolutely ridiculous, that within the 3 year period of your relationship, this topic was not brought up. If a couple, like you two, who were and are serious about each other and have decided on marriage, then I don't understand why you two didn't discuss this matter earlier. I'm not trying to confuse you, or bash you..but it would make sense that a serious couple would have such discussions. You should have considered looking into this beforehand. It is, actually, quite confusing to hear that within those three years, you hadn't decided on such an important matter. :S

Second... If you really love him, you'd accept his mother's wishes as well...but most of all, you'd accept his wishes too. To be quite frank, I used to always think the same way...that I didn't want to live with the guy's siblings or parents at all. I completely understand where you're coming from...but that's why you should find these kinds of things out first, and agree to marriage once you've agreed with everything else that is equally as important..such as living with his parents/sisters.

All in all... I just can't believe your 3 year relationship is going down the drain because of something that should have been looked at beforehand.

we are at the point now where we are very close to breaking up.

the thing is that, the qualities which made me fall in love with him in the first plac, such as knowing he is a family person so would make a great husband and father, are the things we are arguing over now.

..... Huh? Come again...? :S

i am sure many people will read this and say i am a horrible person, or i am too westernised for not following normal sikh culture, but i feel a huge conflict over doing this, and what i want personally.

This doesn't have to do with Sikh way of life. What you're talking about is only in Punjabi culture. There is nothing wrong with thinking this way. The thing that IS wrong however, is that this wasn't discussed between you and him in the past three years. Future planning is much more than just where you're going to live, how many kids and/or cars you'll have. There are couples planning their kids names, and they don't even know anything about their families yet. I call this poor organization planning, lol.

i have mainly white friends who can't understand the situation at all, so i was just wondering what my fellow brothers and sisters opinions were? sorry this has been so long, but i would appreciate any advice, as we are both so confused and unhappy at the moment.

99.9% of my friends are white so, again, I completely understand how you feel. But hey... You gotta remember that this is NOT religion. This is culture. Don't feel bad about not following the Punjabi culture. I think I follow only 5% of the Punjabi culture...which only includes wearing suits when I go to the Gurudwara, eating Punjabi dishes, and knowing how to read the language (but that's only because I wanted to read Gurbaanee in Gurmukhi format, instead of the Roman format...) I don't know how to speak Punjabi properly, and people talk bs about that all the time.

Anyway... I'll be honest here.. Asking the sangat for help regarding this matter won't do you any good.

The most you can do is stick with what you want ...ORRRRR... you can live with your mother-in-law until your sister-in-law(s) agree to take her into their respected home(s)

Butttt...You're fixated on your decision, and his mother/he doesn't agree.

Again...I still say this should have been discussed between the two of you, the couple, during the past three years.

You can always just live really close to them too.

Either way..

Hope you figure, and work it out penji.

...peace

Also... People shouldn't think that only the girls think this way..about not wanting to live with the in-laws. Many guys are not willing to live with their parents either..but they have to either because the guy is the only son, or because he's the youngest. It's not only the girls who feel this way.

The guys who think it's selfish for girls to feel this way should stop judging girls as inconsiderate or modern/western when it comes to this discussion.

Guys should put themselves in the girls' shoes and try to understand why we feel this way.

Personally, I would never want to get married into a household where I had to live with my in-laws because I feel that I don't want to have any parent-figures other than MY OWN parents.

It's because I know I'd feel out of place, and that I wouldn't get along with the in-laws because of these feelings.

It's not easy going to a house and living with people you don't know well, and it's also very difficult to see these new relatives as your own parents.

Now, many people might say that this is still selfish because his parents are her parents, and her parents are his parents. Butttt.. The ones you lived with, who raised you, who taught you how to ride your bike, who showered you , who cleaned your nose and showered you again are your PARENTS!! I would NEVER feel like developing a mother-daughter/father-daughter relationship with anyone else. If I was ever going to marry, I'd definitely respect and care for my mother-in-law the same way I would respect and care for my own mother, but it's just impossible to love and spend time with her the same way. That's like asking a mother to develop the great relationship with her daughter-in-law, asking her to love and spend time with her the same way she did with her own daughter.

That's just impossible, let alone asking a girl to get along with the father-in-law the same way the girl got along with her own father. That's even...harder.

Girls are being asked of way too much, without people (guys) understanding anything at all.

It's unfortunate to us because guys can't understand/feel this.

99%+ of you will never have to either.

You guys are quite fortunate.

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Guest kkaurd

hi everyone

i just wanted to say thankyou for all the replies, in answer to the last reply, we talked about this issue when we first met, i told him where i stood and how i felt about living in his house and he agreed that he did not want to live there, and that we would have a house nearby, this was agreed, until recently when he told me that he had changed his mind, and that his mother was putting pressure on him to stay at home. that is why the confusion has arisen, and why we are close to breaking up.

also to all the people who have implied that i would not be looking after, or would be abandoning his mother in a care home, must not have read the original post properly, as i clearly said that i thought it a good compromise to live nearby and visit his mother everyday. i fail to see how that is not looking after her?

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The matter at hand concerns the couple & their respective families.

There is no right or wrong.

You should decide only after talking & discussing with the guy & his family members.

If it's o.k with him & his family then go ahead.

Otherwise search your own soul and be true to yourself as well as others. Then take the appropriate step.

Now reality check for all

When you or your parents or grand parents came from India, they too left behind their parents so how is this different ?

It is easy to point fingure at others.

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