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Meeting Up With Girls


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*In the context of getting married, and 'girls' should be girl*

So I've spoken to a really nice girl over the phone, for 20 mins, and our family have meet each others and we both went to a side area and spoke to each other for 15ish mins. However, I am unsure as to whether we are a suitable match, and we didn't talk about what each other's aims in life were and whether we were suitable.

I know I will get lots of people saying that 15mins is enough and such, but I'd really like to meet up with her again a few times and speak and see whether we're suitable for each other. Do you think this is acceptable? Her parents might want an answer right away but its a big thing and I would like to meet and get to know her better.

How do you think I should approach this? Would it be reasonable for me to ask her parents if we could meet again before deciding? Maybe in a coffee shop and talk

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How are are you supposed to get to each other if you don't meet in person first? Personally speaking, I never involve my parents in my romantic affairs. I usually handle that "business" on my own.

I'd be too embarrassed to discuss it with them.

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its not romantic affairs - plus its arranged so parents were involved from the start....

her parents seem very strict and i think they would want an answer - yes or no - rather than agree to let me see her again.

if i do see her again, would it be rude for me to ask her if she when she wants kids, or whether she likes watching tv or if she'd mind if i watched tv in the evenings.

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Superduper,

As your parents are already involved why dont you take your concerns to your mum and dad and say that you would like to meet her again, maybe in a separate room where you can sit and talk things over.

If you want to get into so much detail as to ask whether she is okay for you to watch TV and for how long and which channel, that is up to you but would have thought there would be more important things to discuss.

I wouldn't go and ask her perants yourself, ask your dad and get him to arrange it, there should be no reason why they would not agree as this is a big step you are about to take.

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Guest HaRdKaUrWaRrIoRz

i think the reason parenst are being protective is because shes a girl, some guys are pretty crazy and they start to stalk the girl if they know enuff, and im SURE u arent that type but thats in the mind of every punjabi parent.. onu thungg karu ga je gul nai bunee

so basically like thats why u might notice they always show the girl the guys picture first etc..

anyway u also have the right to get to know her more so u can find a medium with the parents, u can have ur parents talk to her parents and say our son wants to know her more he doesnt think he asked all the questions and got to know her as a person enuff in 15 minutes alone.. maybe u guys can meet up and also talk over msn a bit, but i think physically seeing her will also give u an idea of what kind of person she is, some ppl are really good at judging a person by just looking at them and their body movement etc..

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First of all, watching tv or not, are not the good questions that marriage should be based on. Is that all you plan to do after being married.

Having kids or not, I can give you answer. Yes, she wants to but shy girls wont like to think of that now, so she may not give you appropriate clear cut black and white answer.

Here are the questions you should be asking " if you have to pick one over the other, which one gets more weightage , family or career. she may answer one or the other. But from my experience from life so far is that career comes second. Family should be always no. 1 priority in couple's life, more so for girls than even boys. women are the ones who hold family together, watch lives of your own parents, relatives, sisters, brothers whomever you know well. You will get the answer. A women can hold the broken house together or women can break the good house.

Secondly, ask if she likes to be the queen of the kitchen or would like you to be doing your share as well. You won't like this answer, but if I was in a situation, I would like the person (I am a girl), who would say that I would want to be doing my share as well, not just expecting girl to do all the kitchen work.

Most important question, where do u stand religion wise. If you are sikh, then do u see our kids being raised according to sikhi (that has a hidden question about if she wants to have kids or not). Would you like to take kids to gurudwara keertan/punjabi/sikh history learning classes etc.

And if you don't cut your hair, would she ever want you to cut your hair? if u do cut now, (if you yourself ever wanna walk on sikhimarg yourself), would she be willing to walk with you. Basically, these questions, show how seriously you and her take sikhi. Don't mean to offend/judge you or anyone, but respecting your hair shows how seriously you live the words of Guru that we hear and preach sometimes. But your choice. (my husband asked me that question 11 years ago, and I answered he looked better with full beard and turban on, and truth is he does. If he would ever cut, I don't think that would suit with his personality, which I know he won't, as we are both amritdhari, which should show you why I would emphasize more on sikhi part of married life).

Another question to consider "If I am well-paid and able to support the family on my own, would you still like to work?" If she doesn't and says she would rather pay more attention to kids' development. Good. But if she doesn't want to have kids but chooses no, that means she just prefers to sit home and watch indian dramas on TV, and you don't want that person to marry to. more free time girls have, more gossiping they do, more shopping they go to, more beauty increasing things they do (which means wasting your hard earned money) Personally, If I was a male and looking for girl to marry, I would want a girl, who wants to live a life shoulder to shoulder with me. I understand some parents, pick one person to be contributing more financially and another doing house chores, and raising the kids. Thats fine, as long as they are both doing their share.

Any person in this economic situation, is replaceable. So if you ever loose your job, you need to have a partner with some skillset to have the bills being paid, just in case.

And one more important thing, never ever fall for beauty of the girl. Not that I say its true, but beauty some times stops us from finding out the compatibility before hand.

Baki, they say "baki there bhag lachhiye" in your case "baki tere bhag lachhiya" :-))

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^ smile.gif

Also, spend some time with her, for at least a few months before taking the big step. Take her out of the house, go out for a coffee or something.

Papi jee, I always, like to think this way. if I have a sister or daughter and some boy moves around with her for few months and then say "oh, I don't think its gonna work". I won't like that happening to my sister or daughter. If you see things are not gonna work, you can feel that in first few phone calls.

Sorry, but don't like your suggestion. For boys, it may be ok, but for girls its different story. There are people on the streets, coffee houses, book stores, malls, lakes that do watch you. And i won't want my sister/daughter to be moving around with a guy at public places and then a boy tells her that he is not compatible with my sister/daughter. First of all, my sister/daughter would be heart broken. More time you spend with someone dreaming about your future life, more hurt you feel and it takes long time to heal.

"Tute dil na jurDe, ve dil toRi na"

No one should just fool around or develop some kind of feelings/dreams when there may be chances to break those dreams. I know it happens with almost eveyone, but the attemp should be to keep it to minimum.

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^ I completely agree with you. I was saying more in terms of friendship I suppose, nothing more. But I guess girls get attached easier than boys (generally speaking). I'm not sure really, this is unchartered territory for me so I will make blunders here :rolleyes: Just trying to learn, I don't think it'll be too long before my time comes as well.

One point that is big for me is that I feel kids should never be put in a day care. Someone older should be with them through their child hood. That means that one parent will possibly have to give up their career. Women are blessed with having intuition about raising kids much more than men do. Thus mothers will be much better at taking care of the kids than fathers will be. This may sound like I'm being sexist, and I'm sure the feminist amongst us will attack me for this, but this is what I feel. Now, if there are grand parents living in the same house then the problem doesn't arise.

Also bibi ji, I understand you spent your childhood in India, so your may very well differ from a girl born in a Western society where getting to know the person before marriage is highly encouraged.

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Beeba jee, I found a boy to marry in USA, after I lived here for about 4-5 years. But its true that I am untouched by western culture even after being here for 15 years now. Western culture never did and I think will never make sense for me. I have adapted the goodies of it though, but still keep the goodies of eastern culture that I grew up with.

You are right about females having better intuition about raising kids. My kids' doctor has told me no. of times, that mother's intuition is the best, overrules the doctor's intuition. mother can tell from the type of cry kid has,if s/he is sleepy, need feeding or changing or something is wrong and needs calling to doctor. Some fathers get it too, but for them practice is needed, even though females get it as a package from the time they give birth to a baby, naturally from babaji, thanks to harmones.

Vaise, question is not for friendship here.

Kids do need social interaction for deveoping immunity as well as develping social skills. I had grandparents available for them, but still put them in daycare for twice a week as soon as they almost were close to being 3 years.

And its very important for girl's own self-esteem to have a career. Otherwise, whats the point of putting girls through education that parents spend thousands on. I see it as a waste for those girls who did masters/ Ph.D. and then never got to work. Its ok to take break from career for few years when kids are little, but as soon as kids start spending mos 1/2 or 2/3 of the day in school, females should not just sit home and do cooking, laundary, watch jeopardy or horror drams or watch indian dramas and tell husband that wait for dinner as kusum just lost her husband and tuhanu roti dee payee :-))

I may have spent childhood in india, but that doesn't stop the bills to come, or kids to get sick, or stomachs needing food and house needing cleaning or laundary being done or kids' homework needing attention, Does it?? Both parents need to do their share, as well as their self-esteem and own social developing.

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It's perfectly reasonable to ask if you may have more time to decide, meet and talk with the girl more, etc. I've noticed that girls parents (often the mothers ;)) can be very excited and impatient to know for sure if you want to marry their daughter or not.. So express your interest if any to her and her parents, so they know whether or not, but don't decide completely until you feel comfortable. You may not feel 100% comfortable, but if she seems to be a good match, then go for it and don't let any nervousness change your feelings :)

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its not romantic affairs - plus its arranged so parents were involved from the start....

her parents seem very strict and i think they would want an answer - yes or no - rather than agree to let me see her again.

if i do see her again, would it be rude for me to ask her if she when she wants kids, or whether she likes watching tv or if she'd mind if i watched tv in the evenings.

15 minutes?! Bas?!?! And what happens if you find out once you are engaged that she previously dated when in school, will you feel kind of ripped off that you only got to spend 15 minutes getting to know her meanwhile some other person got to go out with her for X number of months/year whatever? I guess it's okay if this is completely arranged, however just be prepared and figure out your expectations on how you might handle finding out things about the person you might not want to hear.

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thanks for all the advice guys.

I think it would be impossible to get to know her over a few months. I would just like to spend some time talking to her, just to see if we connect. cURRENTLy, i am not sure whether or not we would be a good match - she seems nice but i feel she is holding back her true personality - although we have only spoken twice so maybe its no surprise. I would just like to 'chill' with her, maybe spend a few afternoons with her to get a better idea. Otherwise its just a massive, massive risk. I don't want her to marry me unless she knows what i am like as well.

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