Is Marriage Important?

[Guest Gupt]

Here's a question addressed to sant Jajit singh Ji.

Which path of life is higher, marriage or staying single? (Forward the recording to q 9 or 10 I think).

http://www.gurmarag.net/SikhAwareness/Audio/discussion%20with%20sant%20jagjit%20singh%20ji%20part%203.mp3

For ppl who don't have enough time to listen to the recording the answer was both lifestyles are equal. So if you want to get married then you can and if you don't then don't. What is important in whatever lifestyle you choose is to gather atam gian (the mission of one's life)

[Only five]

According to mahapurakh marriage is optional, in terms of singhnia most mahapurakh who are female are brahmcharis (not married), maharaj says in bani that both grist and brahmcharj are accepted.

nwnk nwmu visAw ijsu AMqir prvwxu igrsq audwsw jIau ]4]40]47]

naanak naam vasiaa jis anthar paravaan girasath oudhaasaa jeeo |4|40|47|

O Nanak, if the Naam, the Name of the Lord, dwells within the mind, one is approved and accepted, whether he is a house-holder or a renunciate. ||4||40||47||

khu nwnk guru pUrw ByitAw prvwxu igrsq audws ]4]4]5]

kahu naanak gur pooraa bhaettiaa paravaan girasath oudhaas |4|4|5|

Says Nanak, one who meets the Perfect Guru, is celebrated both as a householder as well as a renunciate. ||4||4||5||

Just like many other things in life like education you have a choice, the only marriage of utmost importance is that of your soul and parma aatma (maharaj)

Don't worry about these sort of things until you feel you need to, talk to mahapurakh who will give you insight into this.

Marriage could be optional, but that doesn't take away the importance of it. Neither am I saying you are saing it does. The Gurus got married and this is one way the Gurus showed us that it is very important. We can say that the householders life is strongly stressed in Sikhi.

Speaking on the Gurbani you provided. If you look at the state of the Sikhs today. Majority of them are scared of marriage. They see it has one real bad thing and the yogis that ran from the world also say it in the same light (along with everything else in the world). They want to take up the renunciated lifestyle because it's easier, not because that's what Satguru blessed them with. When a brother or sister gives there life to the Guru this path made for you comes clear. Whether that be married or not.

[khalsa50]

Sangat jee, thank you so much for expressing your views. Well right now what really bugs me is that my parents are trying to find the match for me which is reaally getting on my nerves. Yes I understand that everything is pre-destined. We don't have control over anything but how can all this end? I mean if I even try to tell my parents that I don't want to get married, they'll make it a big issue. So is there any way that I can express my feelings and views about marriage without really hurting them or having them make a big issue about it.

[Sukhmanii]

Why is marriage so important to some of you? It should be the individual's decision, rather than just something that is expected because it has become a social norm. If you do not find a partner who you love and who loves you, then why should you be expected to marry into a loveless marriage? In our culture, women are encouraged to blindly obey their husbands, whom often the parents have chosen because of the man's family status or something. Is there anything wrong with remaining a single, strong and independent woman throughout your life? I don't think there is.

I understand the argument for procreation – as you say, apparently "our kind" are questioning marriage which will thus have repercussions for the panth in the future. Although, I have not met one Sikh who hasn't got married or who isn't completely infatuated with the idea of marriage, so i don't see why it's a problem that a few individuals are making the decision to remain unmarried. The individual's decision not to get married could be fuelled by many personal factors, and so to look down on Sikhs who choose not to follow this norm is very narrow minded.

"what is stopping sikhs getting married today? they worry about stuff like compatiblity, with 100% shared interests or that their husband/wife has to have movie star looks etc"

What is wrong with taking the compatibility of your potential life partner into account? Is it not important to have shared interests, or doesn't it matter if you like your husband/ wife at all? This ideology seems to be very backwards, in support for the traditional loveless arranged marriages. You should not just settle for anyone to spend your life with. You must realise and respect that it is not every woman's purpose in life to have a family or a husband.

[VanHelsingh]

What is wrong with taking the compatibility of your potential life partner into account? Is it not important to have shared interests, or doesn't it matter if you like your husband/ wife at all? This ideology seems to be very backwards, in support for the traditional loveless arranged marriages. You should not just settle for anyone to spend your life with. You must realise and respect that it is not every woman's purpose in life to have a family or a husband.

Some might argue that one is not a full, 'proper' Sikh until the condition of marriage has been met? I personally believe that it should be the individual's decision. HOWEVER, if one wishes to be a part of Sikhi, then maybe self-interest and individuality have no place when the greater good must be considered?

But yes I do agree, better to be unmarried than be in a loveless, soulless marriage. But for some people, its not a big deal. Love (the western or dare I say Indian-film version of love) is a fallacy - an illusion. We could go into what 'love is, but then that would be off-topic.

Issues such as those that 'chatanga' Ji mentioned about this over-reliance on shared interests, compatibility, etc., are understandably important for the initial connection, but longer-term they are irrelevant (or less important would be more accurate). Sadly, most people today seem to expect these factors to click into place immediately, and they get distracted by the very issues that 'chatanga' Ji mentioned.

Put it this way - if all these factors such as shared interests, etc., were taken into consideration when our parents were of marriable age, we wouldn't exist because our parents would still be dilly-dallying over the right person to marry! Sometimes its best to take a leap of faith - if one has the heart to do so. Or - controversially for some - allow one's parents to take the initiative.

[Sukhmanii]

Some might argue that one is not a full, 'proper' Sikh until the condition of marriage has been met? I personally believe that it should be the individual's decision. HOWEVER, if one wishes to be a part of Sikhi, then maybe self-interest and individuality have no place when the greater good must be considered?

I was unaware that Sikhi may imply it's a Sikh's obligation to marry... i assumed it would place more emphasis on independence and becoming one with God, be it as an individual, or as a couple. But i don't know specifically what Sikhi says about this, so i can't really dispute it... but i too feel that it should be the individual's decision.

But yes I do agree, better to be unmarried than be in a loveless, soulless marriage. But for some people, its not a big deal. Love (the western or dare I say Indian-film version of love) is a fallacy - an illusion. We could go into what 'love is, but then that would be off-topic.

Issues such as those that 'chatanga' Ji mentioned about this over-reliance on shared interests, compatibility, etc., are understandably important for the initial connection, but longer-term they are irrelevant (or less important would be more accurate). Sadly, most people today seem to expect these factors to click into place immediately, and they get distracted by the very issues that 'chatanga' Ji mentioned.

Put it this way - if all these factors such as shared interests, etc., were taken into consideration when our parents were of marriable age, we wouldn't exist because our parents would still be dilly-dallying over the right person to marry! Sometimes its best to take a leap of faith - if one has the heart to do so. Or - controversially for some - allow one's parents to take the initiative.

I undertsand, it's one thing to "love" someone but i think that to an extent compatibility is extremely important... otherwise partners will disagree on how to raise children, have different kinds of lifestyles, and basically a marriage which they don't feel happy being in, but simply put up with. What i was really thinking is that such marriages where the partners don't know each other very well or aren't compatible were very common in my parents generation - such marrigaes lead to conflict, a man hitting a woman, one man being a drunk whereas the woman's never touched alcohol. This is the situation that i have observed, and although i understand that it would be entirely different for two amritdhari Sikhs to get married, i'm just making a case for partners being relatively compatible and liking each other before marriage. I don't like the culture that encourages women to accept their oppression, especially when it comes to marriage, which is why i think it's better to be unmarried than to accept a potentially horrific marriage on the basis of parental choice or tradition... or to marry someone who you "love" (eg. care for, have sufficiently common interests with, same values etc).

I hope that made sense. I'm writing this very fast as i'm off for a while now! Lol

[VanHelsingh]

I guess from a Sikhi-centric perspective, if Sikhi says you must be married and by not doing so, it is a sin and you won't end up Sachkhand, then I guess anyone aspiring to be a Gursikh hasn't got much of a choice. Just grin and bear it I suppose.

[Sukhmanii]

I don't see how not getting married could possibly be considered a sin. First, i'll find out what Sikhi actually says about marriage. Because i have a sufficient amount of doubt that it would consider a humanly constructed institution as an obligation. Then, i'll find out the reasons why it says it... but lastly, i'll reason my own decision rather than bearing a future i inevitably don't want to lead...

[VanHelsingh]

A definitive Sikhi view would be best. I'm just going by what the knowledgeable people in this thread have already said. From what I've read here, there isn't much of a choice no matter how much of a good person you are.

[Sukhmanii]

I asked sikhanswers.com 8-)