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Fix Up Singhs!


Sukhmanii
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The way to deal with this problem is by not accepting that there is a problem, and simply to brush it over. By acknowledging the problem, you are giving further credence to it, cementing it, to the extent that it becomes a fixed unshakable belief, that Singhs are unattractive and that girls dont want to marry them.

You really have to challenge this belief in your own mind and you have to believe that the opposite is true. Otherwise, you will always carry this insecurity with you. Even when you do finally get married and have a wife, you will still be insecure that you are unattractive etc, and that can put strains on your relationship, such as jealousy when she talks to other men, or even thoughts like 'she is only with you because of your money etc'.

Everyone can tell you that you need to be confident, but in reality only you can walk through the door. You must totally disregard any examples you find of women rejecting sardars as being isolated, wierd incidents where the girl was just a wierdo and you didnt like her anyway. Focus instead on the numerous girls that have married sardars, and convince yourself that this is the norm.

Just be aware that with developing attraction, it is much easier for men than it is for women. For a woman to be deemed attractive, a big proportion of it is dependent on their looks. For men, however, a much smaller proportion is dependent on their looks. Alot is dependent on their personality, alpha male qualities, CONFIDENCE, career, values and status. Even if you are insecure about your looks/sikh saroop, which you shouldnt be, then at the very least you should radiate your other qualities.

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Just take a look at any UK Gurdwara matrimonial service listings. You will find the majority of listings for girls say looking for "clean shaven".

It's fair enough you guys can talk all you want, about guys should radiate other qualities such as personality etc... However in the punjabi community this largely will never get the chance to happen. Logically speaking in most cases you have a "bachola" middle man who will do an introduction..swap detials betrween boys and girls parents. As soon as they here the boy wears a turban etc...the discussion stops right there...They say our daughter is looking for a "clean shaven" . Theres no oppurtunity to find out what someones other qualities are.

Same goes for Gurdwara matrimonial lists, just by the description as soon as it say "turban" on it forget about it, 90% girls in that list are not looking for your critteria negotiation will never start.

I agree 100% with the comments on these threads unfortunately the majority of girls in our community can not be described as Sikh, they have very little if any knowledge on Sikhi. Even if theyre brothers, fathers, family are turban wearing sardars, theyre still looking for clean shaven marriage partners..

This is a big enough problem...in itself but consider the longer term impact, these girls are mothers of the next generation..they have no values or knowledge their kids will probably be bought up in the same way or worse.

Personally I think Gurdwara matrimonial lists should not allow the "clean shaven" category if you clearly discriminate against the Gurus Roop the image that the Guru gifted his Sikhs then why exactly should you be on a Gurdwara matrimonial list ?

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Well judging by what his posts have said, it sounds to me like he wants to find his own partner rather than go through the bachola route. Sure, if he goes through bachola route or by matrimonial list route, then he maybe refused point blank on the grounds of not being 'clean shaven'.

Personally, I think Singhs have got a better chance of finding their own partners nowadays anyway, as they have an opporunity to get to know girls and for girls to get to know them before making a desicion, rather than just being labelled as something and being rejected or accepted because of that label (ie sardar/non sardar).

I personally know of many cases, of girls who were adamant that they would never marry a kesadhari Singh, but still ended up meeting one and marrying one in the end, because, they saw them as an individual and appreciated the other qualities that they 'radiated'.

No offence, but I think the idea of not allowing the 'clean shaven' cateogory on forms is pretty ridiculous as it will only lead to misunderstandings and resentments later down the line once it is discovered that a potential suitor is kesadhari. You cant punish people for their opinions and preferences. It will backfire, and just create an even bigger divide in the community. But what you can do is change yourself and increase your own chances of finding a partner

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The idea of not having a clean-shaven category for Gurdwaras means by default everyone on the list is a keshadhari. If your not looking for a keshadhari then the Gurdwara should advise to use other sources.

The Gurdwaras are supposed to join people with akal puraks and his roop. In effect theyre sending out the wrong message theyre in effect saying that discriminating against the Gurus roop is acceptable.

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though it may be small consolation, it is written in our karams who we will marry. some get married earlier, some later. in my case, my marriage date was set at age 30. but then again, i had insanely high standards and was not well networked due to coming into sikhi at a much later age.

your best bet is to do seva in sikh organisations or at the gurdwara as parents etc will notice you, go to youth group meeting ssa meetings, and focus on building yourself up. when people focus too much on getting a partner they worry a lot, instead shift the focus to building up your own value. work out, take up martial arts, do some hobby you're interested in, and focus on your education. and career. i would suggest also focusing on bani b/c it will give you peace of mind, poise, and confidence. these kinds of qualities do radiate out to others. the opportunities will come to you, and you will be better positioned to take advantage of them. and btw, plenty of sikh girls who are not yet gursikh are interested in sardars, not the majority, but still, more than enough. it's just a matter of finding them and of building up your own confidence and cachet.

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reason girls look for clean shaving is cause the singh's today would disapoint the singhs 200 years ago

out of shape

low self esteem complaining about girls only want clean shaven guys

listen why is it their are a few singh's that have women attracted to them and most singh's don't

cause only a few singh's are ambitous in every aspect of their life are in awsome shape and take care of themselves and are fun humble guys to be around and women feel safe around them

theirs a reason women are attracted to soldiers and firefighters, cause they feel safe around them and they see a sence of excitment with them

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Just take a look at any UK Gurdwara matrimonial service listings. You will find the majority of listings for girls say looking for "clean shaven".

It's fair enough you guys can talk all you want, about guys should radiate other qualities such as personality etc... However in the punjabi community this largely will never get the chance to happen. Logically speaking in most cases you have a "bachola" middle man who will do an introduction..swap detials betrween boys and girls parents. As soon as they here the boy wears a turban etc...the discussion stops right there...They say our daughter is looking for a "clean shaven" . Theres no oppurtunity to find out what someones other qualities are.

Same goes for Gurdwara matrimonial lists, just by the description as soon as it say "turban" on it forget about it, 90% girls in that list are not looking for your critteria negotiation will never start.

This is a great point and it's perhaps the most frustrating part of this search. How do you display your confidence or alpha-male qualities or whatever if no one is willing to talk in the first place? I'm convinced that there are plenty of girls who might be willing to marry a sardar if they met the right one and got to know him. But if matchmaking is going to be done online or through middle-men by exchange of photos and superficial details, these same girls won't even consider a sardar.

That's because everyone has a preconceived image in their head of the type of person they'd like to see themselves with and, let's face it, for 99.5% of Punjabi girls the image is going to be of a clean-shaven guy. In the type of matchmaking that takes place in our culture, these superficial images of the type of person one can see themselves with filter people out before they can even be considered as individuals. After all, why should a girl force herself to think outside the box and consider someone who doesn't fit her image when there are clean-shaven guys walking around everywhere? She's not going to say "hmm, this whole time I've imagined myself with someone who looks like (insert clean-shaven bollywood star or whatever), but let me take a hard look at this sardar." Why would she do that when she can just click on the next profile or ask the middle-man to show her the next guy's photo?

I agree 100% with the comments on these threads unfortunately the majority of girls in our community can not be described as Sikh, they have very little if any knowledge on Sikhi. Even if theyre brothers, fathers, family are turban wearing sardars, theyre still looking for clean shaven marriage partners..

This is a big enough problem...in itself but consider the longer term impact, these girls are mothers of the next generation..they have no values or knowledge their kids will probably be bought up in the same way or worse.

Personally I think Gurdwara matrimonial lists should not allow the "clean shaven" category if you clearly discriminate against the Gurus Roop the image that the Guru gifted his Sikhs then why exactly should you be on a Gurdwara matrimonial list ?

I sadly think that we are soon approaching the day when the keshdari sikh will have all but disappeared. Every day the notion of keeping kesh as being something "backwards," "extreme," or "outdated" is becoming more and more acceptable in the Punjabi community. When people are looking for a "religious" boy these days, they mean a religious boy without a beard. I've seen a few matrimonials where people even use both the terms "gursikh" and "clean-shaven" to describe the type of boy they are looking for. That's right. Discarding the kesh has become so acceptable and commonplace that some people have expanded the term "gursikh" to include people without kesh.

Right now a lot of people who cut their hair still show at least some level of respect and acceptance to keshdari Sikhs because almost every "Sikh" will have either a grandparent or maybe a a few members of their extended family who are sardars. But what will happen in 20 years when young Punjabis will grow up never having known any relatives who keep their kesh? Do you think they will still view Singhs as their own or show them any level of respect?

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if the singhs today were like the singhs 200 years ago trust me women would be lining up to marry a true sardar

This is false.

If Hari Singh Nalwa were alive today, he'd put his picture up on shaadi.com and every morning he'd check his email and read "SH4820702 has declined your interest".

No one would take the time to listen/read about how he got his nickname or what the Pathans think of him. The conversation would end right after it was clear he was a sardar.

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Well judging by what his posts have said, it sounds to me like he wants to find his own partner rather than go through the bachola route. Sure, if he goes through bachola route or by matrimonial list route, then he maybe refused point blank on the grounds of not being 'clean shaven'.

Personally, I think Singhs have got a better chance of finding their own partners nowadays anyway, as they have an opporunity to get to know girls and for girls to get to know them before making a desicion, rather than just being labelled as something and being rejected or accepted because of that label (ie sardar/non sardar).

I personally know of many cases, of girls who were adamant that they would never marry a kesadhari Singh, but still ended up meeting one and marrying one in the end, because, they saw them as an individual and appreciated the other qualities that they 'radiated'.

Actually, since I need all the help I can get, I would be very willing to meet someone any way I can. The reason I've been discussing how to find my own partner is that I'm convinced the "bachola" or "matrimonial list" route is a waste of time precisely because I've usually been turned down point blank.

But yeah, I totally agree with you that the best shot I (or any other Singh) would have is to meet women in real life and let them get to know me as an individual.

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