Help!

[Guest broken]

Dear forum members

I need some help in some matters that are out of my control and just needed advice on how to deal with them. I would like to keep my name anonymous; I’m 24 years of age and just got married 2 years ago with my long term girl friend. We were dating since the age of 15 and it was all kept hush hush, till our parent found out when we were 19. Soon as they found out we were told we either get married or split up so in late 2008 we got married. For the first year of our marriage everything was hunky dory and we both wanted the same things but second year of our marriage everything went downhill.

Main reason behind it was, I got into Sikhi and fell in love with my religion. Decided to grow my hair to feel closer to my Gurus, six months ago I decided to take Amrit, my wife wasn’t impressed and she found it awkward when I grew my hair but my news of taking amrit really upset her. She felt we both are on different paths in our life and she doesn’t have any connection with me. We argued all the time and rarely found any activities we could do together, in the past when I was a monay we use to go out and mingle with other couples who we were friends with but now even those firends very rarely talk to me. The other impact that has been on my relationship is that we cannot sleep together, this year we were thinking of having kids but the Panj pyray strictly told me not to have any physical relationship with my wife because she is not amrithdahri. Just last week we argued and she said some things and I said some things and it got very heated. She walked out on me and went to stay with her parents; her parents are fully supporting on what she has done and want her to file for a divorce.

My parents are the opposite, they want me to do whatever it takes bring her back, I have told my parents many times that it’s not going to work but my parents are not listening. Last night my father had a long conversation with me regarding my situation, in a nut shell he said either get her back or go and live in the Gurdwara there is no space in this house for people like you. My father also said that they did not support my religious ways and wanted me to cut my hair or at least trim my beard and keep the Pugh. The worst thing happened just this afternoon, I decided to call my wife and we ended up arguing over the phone, she told me over the phone that she fell pregnant 9 months ago but terminated the baby because she felt it wasn’t the right conditions to bring up a kid in. Naturally being distraught with the news I hung up and called my father, he just hung up and told me to get lost.

What shall I do now?

[_singhni_]

Go gurdwara sahib and listen to Guru je or if you can't then talk about your feels with Guru ji. Trust me it works wonders. Remeber no one is truly your friend/family. Only guru je is with u all the time & only Guru je will give you prefect advice..

[Guest newsinghnee]

WJKK WJKF

Dear Broken,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. My prayers are with you, your wife and everyone involved.

I was in a similar situation in 2006, with a husband who was a gursikh, but I had no connection and felt so disconnected to him that we ended up seperating and he remarried (There was alot more involved than just that as that was not the sole reason). After going through that pain, the guru has done Kirpa on me and brought me to his doorsteps when i had no one to turn as no one in human form was able to help me cope with my loss and grief. I am so thankful that the same gursikhi I had no connection and love for and kinda of disliked in my spouse, I have fallen madly in love with. Perhaps that is my punishment for disrepecting the love of gursikhi my previous spouse had. And may i say it is the best punishment I have had and thank Dhan Guru Nanak Dev Ji every day as I try to walk on this path. One of the things I have realized through all this is that for a gursikh to deal with this the best way to do so is seek the Guru's help through ardas, keep your faith strong, Jaap naam (for me it has been the mool mantar as that is the bani that I can do anywhere anytime the most), attending sangat regularly and engaging in sewa whether that is at the local gurdwara in the langar or feeding a less fortunate being than me. I have cried in sangat (with no one noticing) becuase it was the only way I could release my pain to the guru. One thing that I recommend during this process is keep silence as much as u can. As this situation can be tough and anger rises, it can be very easy to hurt one another through our speech. Keep your thoughts of negativity to yourself and keep your speech with your wife and family of love, that is how u want your true gursikhi displayed. Do not think yourself higher than them becuase you have become gurmukh, as eveyone is playing their part. Your wife is playing her part, your parents are playing their part and you play your part. Keep your speech sweet and strengthen your gursikhi. Keep your mental thoughts light and away from all that is going on, as hard as it is to do, trust the guru, he is going to support you, and have faith that he will take care of you and everyone else what may become. There is alot more going on, and we do not see the situation as the guru does. Perhaps this is you paying back what you may have done to your wife and family in a past life. You never know, your wife and parents may be like me, end up becoming gurmukh but do not give them any more reason to hate gursikhi so display the actions that a true gursikhi would during this rough time. And time heals. Continue growing as a gursikhi. I come from a non-gursikh family and as I started on this path, I was told everytime I went to the gurdwara, that whats the point of going, whats the point of sewa, and etc, but i kept my mouth shut and tried to do and live by what my parents wanted and what my guru wanted from me. I kept silence and continued to grow as a gursikh and today my family accompanies me to the gurdwara, sits in sangat with me and we recite bani in sangat, and help out in sewa, and are looking for a gursikh partner for me again but now for someone who truly loves the guru and lives his life according to gurmat (as that was not the case with my previous spouse). Truth is always hard to follow, and the people around us feel a hit to their ego's and that is why they resent those who follow truth (like i was in the past), but eventually Truth is so sweet that slowly if we have strong faith, they may open themselves to what your practice without any contention. I hope I have made sense.

[Guest Gupt]

Paji, I would advise you to go to the gurdwara and get a hukumnama or you can get a cyber hukumnama. Whenever I needed help, Vaheguru was there. You can get a hukumnama online via

http://fateh.sikhnet.com/Sikhnet/Register.nsf/CyberHukamnama

Maharaaj will always be there. Vjkk Vjkf.

[Guest Advice]

Brother it seems as this has turned out to be a game of wits for you. But don't play into the game your in-laws and your parents and your wife are trying to make you play. It's the age where people that follow Satguru, they will be tested the most in every second of there life. One thing you need to do is stay humble. Don't do anything against Satguru's Hukam, but stay humble throughout the whole issue. Ask Satguru for guidance by taking a Hukam. If you yell and scream at your wife, she won't realize what she is doing is wrong. She'll stay stuck in her anger and obviously her parents are not helping....they inflate her ego. Your wife went to this extent because she knew that her parents would back her on this. Otherwise she wouldn't have left to her parents place because they would have told her to go back to you. You should sit down with all five of them and hear out what they have to say. If all five don't sit down together then sit down with her parents and your wife and hear out what they have to say. Just listen see who is saying what. By listening to them and not getting into arguements, it will show that you have composure, which they woudn't expect. They want you to break down and feel bad for taking Amrit and going against their daughter. When you speak to them be respectful and go straight to the point. They will try to bring up stuff that don't even solve the problem, but only cause a bigger problem. Her parents want you to crack and get angry. Make sure your wife is there listening to what her parents have to say. The whole point of her being there, is so she can see where her parents are coming from. Obviously its from a evil place and if shes able to pick up on this, then you have a higher chance of her realizing what type of life she would have to live with parents that don't even think the best for their own daughter. Her dad will try to convince you to sit down with him and talk without his daughter there. Don't do it and sit down with your wife and her parents. The best option for her is to come back to you, but you have to make her realize this point. If your wife is the one that gets upset quickly then give her some time, depending on what she told you last about the divorce thing. You got to make her realize your guys friends wont be there forever to fill the emptiness in her for companions and neither will her parents. If her parents and friends were backing you on this, then she would have ran back to you in a split second or wouldn't have left in the first place. People have the habit of going where they feel comfortable.

Guru ka pyare like yourself go to Sadh Sangat, Satguru, and Sri Waheguru Ji Maharaj.

Manmukh people go to worldly companions that will expire in a moment. Use this knowledge to your advantage. Sit down with the parents and show her that you'll always be there for her and can provide her something her parents, friends, or etc can never provide in countless life times.

The last thing you probably want to hear is, keep a clear head. IF you don't keep a clear head Singh, then you will make things worse. Read lots of Gurbani to keep your composure.

[Guest nirgun]

Satguru help you through this Paaji.

ਸੋਰਠਿ ਮਹਲਾ ੫ ॥

Soraṯẖ mėhlā 5.

Sorat'h, Fifth Mehl:

ਗੁਰੁ ਪੂਰਾ ਭੇਟਿਓ ਵਡਭਾਗੀ ਮਨਹਿ ਭਇਆ ਪਰਗਾਸਾ ॥

Gur pūrā bẖeti▫o vadbẖāgī manėh bẖa▫i▫ā pargāsā.

I met the True Guru, by great good fortune, and my mind has been enlightened.

ਕੋਇ ਨ ਪਹੁਚਨਹਾਰਾ ਦੂਜਾ ਅਪੁਨੇ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਕਾ ਭਰਵਾਸਾ ॥੧॥

Ko▫e na pahucẖanhārā ḏūjā apune sāhib kā bẖarvāsā. ||1||

No one else can equal me, because I have the loving support of my Lord and Master. ||1||

ਅਪੁਨੇ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਕੈ ਬਲਿਹਾਰੈ ॥

Apune saṯgur kai balihārai.

I am a sacrifice to my True Guru.

ਆਗੈ ਸੁਖੁ ਪਾਛੈ ਸੁਖ ਸਹਜਾ ਘਰਿ ਆਨੰਦੁ ਹਮਾਰੈ ॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥

Āgai sukẖ pācẖẖai sukẖ sahjā gẖar ānanḏ hamārai. Rahā▫o.

I am at peace in this world, and I shall be in celestial peace in the next; my home is filled with bliss. ||Pause||

ਅੰਤਰਜਾਮੀ ਕਰਣੈਹਾਰਾ ਸੋਈ ਖਸਮੁ ਹਮਾਰਾ ॥

Anṯarjāmī karnaihārā so▫ī kẖasam hamārā.

He is the Inner-knower, the Searcher of hearts, the Creator, my Lord and Master.

ਨਿਰਭਉ ਭਏ ਗੁਰ ਚਰਣੀ ਲਾਗੇ ਇਕ ਰਾਮ ਨਾਮ ਆਧਾਰਾ ॥੨॥

Nirbẖa▫o bẖa▫e gur cẖarṇī lāge ik rām nām āḏẖārā. ||2||

I have become fearless, attached to the Guru's feet; I take the Support of the Name of the One Lord. ||2||

ਸਫਲ ਦਰਸਨੁ ਅਕਾਲ ਮੂਰਤਿ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਹੈ ਭੀ ਹੋਵਨਹਾਰਾ ॥

Safal ḏarsan akāl mūraṯ parabẖ hai bẖī hovanhārā.

Fruitful is the Blessed Vision of His Darshan; the Form of God is deathless; He is and shall always be.

ਕੰਠਿ ਲਗਾਇ ਅਪੁਨੇ ਜਨ ਰਾਖੇ ਅਪੁਨੀ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ਪਿਆਰਾ ॥੩॥

Kanṯẖ lagā▫e apune jan rākẖe apunī parīṯ pi▫ārā. ||3||

He hugs His humble servants close, and protects and preserves them; their love for Him is sweet to Him. ||3||

ਵਡੀ ਵਡਿਆਈ ਅਚਰਜ ਸੋਭਾ ਕਾਰਜੁ ਆਇਆ ਰਾਸੇ ॥

vadī vadi▫ā▫ī acẖraj sobẖā kāraj ā▫i▫ā rāse.

Great is His glorious greatness, and wondrous is His magnificence; through Him, all affairs are resolved.

ਨਾਨਕ ਕਉ ਗੁਰੁ ਪੂਰਾ ਭੇਟਿਓ ਸਗਲੇ ਦੂਖ ਬਿਨਾਸੇ ॥੪॥੫॥

Nānak ka▫o gur pūrā bẖeti▫o sagle ḏūkẖ bināse. ||4||5||

Nanak has met with the Perfect Guru; all his sorrows have been dispelled. ||4||5||

:-)

[Guest Guest]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

After reading your post i come to understand why strict Punj Piyaras don't give Khandey-da-Amrit to one individual after marriage.

If one gets baptized, there will be trouble and difference of lifestyle.

Best option, is to take this matter before Punj Piyaras and ask for guidance plus support.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

[m4ndy]

If everyone follows Guru Granth Sahib Ji teachings we wouldn't have problems. The world is becoming worse because individuals choose to make it worse, the environment, relationships, families etc. arranged marriages set a purpose to avoid sexual relationships before marriage and to remain in a respectful way give respect, recieve respect.

Your situation simply shows that you wanted a relationship with a girl because before you were different and now you changed for the better. Now ur wife doesnt like what you became because she prefers the person you used to be, now you must realise that your views clash with each other based in terms of religion. How can you live a life with someone who wants the exact opposite of what you want. You can't force someone to be who they are not that's up to Guru ji to lead people in the right direction bit if people don't listen then it's their lost and another gain elsewhere.

In regards to family that's tricky parents should alwaysstick by their children if they are doing good, let's face it what can be more rewarding than being a Singh? Of course people have opinions but if your parents don't support you then really who are they? This is all just an illusion families friends wives/husbands we just need to pass from this world but how can we do that if we dont get support from our own families? Simple read gurbani to guide you through difficult times and if your wife don't want you because of what you believe in then shame on her, it's her loss it's not the end of the world... Explain to your family it's a bit hard to communicate if the other simply communicate the opposite causing problems just like your parents.

Tell each and everyone of them to respect who your are and deal with it if not show them the door they can't deny that!

[JSinghnz]

Have faith in Waheguru and everything will fall in place. First of all I would like to salute you on becoming a Gursikh. You will emerge victorious no matter how many obstacles come your way. Shame on your father for treating you like this. We will all pray for you for Waheguru to grant you strength to come out of this difficult phase of your life.

Can someone please clarify what is the real story behind,

"The other impact that has been on my relationship is that we cannot sleep together, this year we were thinking of having kids but the Panj pyray strictly told me not to have any physical relationship with my wife because she is not amrithdahri

[Guest guptkuri]

Wjkk wjkk

its easy blaming the parents or the wife without being in their situation. For them it will be hard too.

If its hard for amritdharis to communicate and adjust with non-amritdharis then its the same for them.

I dont think its about the parents not liking singhs or not wanting their son to be a singh.

They are concerned for their future and are worried that's why they are reacting this way.

Its not easy being amritdhari for some and for others it maybe.

Wat do you expect when they have brought another families daughter into their house and they dont sleep together as a married couple as they dont understand why even i dont as i am not amritdhari.

They need time to get used to the fact and adjust to you. Right now they are angry fearful, and maybe dont know Wat to do.

If an elder talks to them may help.

Waheguru will help you as you are on the right path as very few can cope with Wat you are going through.this is your time to show your faith and nirmataa with whatever the world throws at you.