Kurmai/chunni/pre-Wedding Party Ceremonies- Gurmat Or Manmat? Help Please

[S4NGH]

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh ji,

I've been attending weddings since ever basically lol typical. But its soon to be my own.

So basically someone in the family found/recomended a girl for me to my parents and things got rolling from there.

I plan to take Amrit in the near future. I want to get into keeping rehit before i take Amrit so i know i can commit to keeping rehit instead of taking Amrit and then seeing if i can keep it or not. The proposed girl for me is not kesdhari at the moment. I'm hoping here journey will lead her onto this path soon.

Now both families are typically punjabi. Hardcore partiers etc.

1) I just want the Anand Karaj to take place, Guru ka Langar and we all go home. I realize this is a dream world fantasy of mine. Does anyone think this could be possible? I dont listen to music, i dont dance drink or eat forbidden food- i dont want all this to take over my own wedding. So can there be a compromise as im pretty sure both families will never agree to a total no party policy. Hows no meat no alcohol and i will not be dancing like a lunitic? Just food, deafening music and people dancing...

And when should i make all this clear to the girls family? I think this could potentially be a deal breaker.

2) Is the Kurmai and Chunni ceremony Gurmat? I've seen how the groom is given dried fruits nuts etc in his palla/parna thing and then fed a shuwara/dried date. I don't understand what this represents so am questioning whether this is Gurmat at all. I've seen this take place in the Darbar Sahib. What is this all about? And can I take part in all this?

3) The maiya/mehndi which takes place on the days leading to the wedding. Haldi doh stuff is applied to the groom/bride-to-be. I really dont fancy that. Too intimate and spray on fake tan would do the same job!

Pretty sure this is not Gurmat.

4) Groom & Kalgi- this is a no no right? How come this happens all too often? Why is nothing said/explained to sangat before/during the Anand Karaj? And the groom holds a sword- any reason?

5) Can this all work out between me, a kesdhari hoping to soon take Amrit, and a non kesdhari girl?

Pul chuk maaf ji.

[rrss]

S4inghji, vadhaiyan! I'm glad that with Gurujis kirpa, you have found a match.

1) I just want the Anand Karaj to take place, Guru ka Langar and we all go home. I realize this is a dream world fantasy of mine. Does anyone think this could be possible? I dont listen to music, i dont dance drink or eat forbidden food- i dont want all this to take over my own wedding. So can there be a compromise as im pretty sure both families will never agree to a total no party policy. Hows no meat no alcohol and i will not be dancing like a lunitic? Just food, deafening music and people dancing...

And when should i make all this clear to the girls family? I think this could potentially be a deal breaker.

Veerji, it's not a dream fantasy world at all, it's my intention too, and I'm sure of many others.

See rehat maryada, (page 14).

If it's a deal breaker to have music and dancing, then you could if you want to have a low-key wedding reception at a later date for her sake (of course it's not part of rehat but equally it doesn't mean you can't have a celebration which doesn't feature banned stuff) (As long as you're aware inside that it is maya and a distraction from God realisation).

Sorry can't answer your questions on other pre-wedding rituals, my knowledge is limited to rehat.

5) Can this all work out between me, a kesdhari hoping to soon take Amrit, and a non kesdhari girl?

This has been discussed before, however can't find the thread right now, but the conclusion was that an Amritdhari man can only marry an Amritdhari or she must be willing to take Amrit within a time period and the same applies in the case of where the intention is to soon take Amrit. Indeed as per rehat, "A baptised ought to get his wife also baptised".

Hope this helps!

[rrss]

There is some relevant discussion here.

[_singhni_]

Talk to your parents and your wife-to-be about the fact that you want a simple wedding (mention the things you have mentioned here) as without them knowing you can't act upon what you have mentioned. Speak up about what you want now before its to late because if you don't you'll regret it later on and it is your wedding after all. All the best.

[VanHelsingh]

I wouldn't get involved with "hardcore partiers" if you're hoping to embark on a spiritual path. Doesn't make sense to me.

[Guest Interested...]

Any answers to 2,3 and 4? Is the kurmai and chunni rasams gurmat or manmat?