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keeping secrets from your partner


Guest singh
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Please serious answers from Amritdharis.

I am planning to get married soon. I want to live a good gurmat amritdhari life. But I am in dilemna regarding telling my future wife about my bad deeds before I became a Sikh.

By the grace of God I came onto the spiritual path of Sikhism. Before I became a Sikh, I had relations with a girl (no sex). We wanted to get married but it didn't work out. It is in the past and I have since become a sikh. Indeed I see my life before and it feels like it is that of someone else.

How am I supposed to share this with my wife to be? Especially as I am now very orthodox and refuse to enter into an emotional relationship before marriage or even indulge in small talk (I believe such things lead to 'love' and are only suitable for after marraige). It is embarrassing and I would feel ashamed and I would feel like a hypocrite, even though this was before my rebirth as a Sikh. Whilst ideally wife should understand me and feel glad that I have told the truth, but human nature is that we feel betrayed, angry, jealous, unhappy etc if our partner has had feelings for someone else. Whomsoever I marry is likely to be an Orthodox Sikh not exposed to western style or big city thinking which may make them open to understanding that stuff like this happens. They will not find this acceptable in the least bit.

Howerver keeping this a secret is as bad as lying and maybe she will come to know, be it when we share spiritual experiences together.

I have vowed to treat all women not my wife as mother/sister/daughter so it is not approriate to talk about these things to a girl before marriage. My spiritual feeling is that he who has complete faith in God need not worry about such things because whom I marry is ordained by His will. But I can't help but worry because my only choice is to diclose after marriage and if I do, I have a strong feeling that it will hurt my future wife. Renouncing marriage isn't an option either.

So what do I do. It's a catch 22 situation.

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Disgusting that your even thinking of hiding this tell the truth everything that you do shapes who you have become maybe she will understand maybe she doesn't but u start on a lie everything built on that can shatter! If you really do treat women as u say u do they deserve to know the truth not a lie because you don't think it's appropriate would you be happy if your wife lied about something like that? Seriously some of the questions on here just need an ounce of common sense applied

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The first thing is you should not worry about telling your spouse this. Start spirtuality and let her trust you in everything. Share everything. Things like what day was like when you were at work and what you did. Express youself freely. Don't feel the guilt when the right time and the right words will be spoken by you will be from Guru Jee. When you get married always keep your mind that this is not only your wife but also life. As humans we do feel gutily about our past. It took me 4 years to take out my guilt. Yet I had broken my amrit almost a year before I was to be married. This had everything to do with not being loved at home. The marriage I had no say. That marriage was only supposed to last 18 years. Even being married I felt I was not being loved and that I had no say in this world.

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If you tell her before you get married then you will definately ruin your relationship. The longer you wait the more trust she will have upon you. If you take few years and she know that you have not thought of these things and the more she will trust. She will understand you guilt.

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Paaji,

I honestly don't think this is something you need to feel worried/ guilty about. Whatever happened before you became a Sikh is over and done with. There are people who were druggies, alcoholics, promiscuous etc before they found Sikhi... indeed, a lot of us who weren't born into religious families have a past of sins. I myself as a moni had a boyfriend, but now I too am an Amritdhari who tries to keep a strict discipline when it comes to even talking to the opposite sex. I look back and feel as though though that was a totally different person. I was totally different. I don't think one should take into account the way life was before somebody found Sikhi. Certainly I'd not judge somebody who's now a Rehatdhari Sikh for their pre-Sikhi history. I'd expect that everybody has a past.

Obviously, do not keep it from your wife. If she asks you, tell her the truth. Just as you'd expect her to tell you the truth about her past.

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Disgusting that your even thinking of hiding this tell the truth everything that you do shapes who you have become maybe she will understand maybe she doesn't but u start on a lie everything built on that can shatter! If you really do treat women as u say u do they deserve to know the truth not a lie because you don't think it's appropriate would you be happy if your wife lied about something like that? Seriously some of the questions on here just need an ounce of common sense applied

I have to say your response is completely over the top, bordering on neurotic and devoid of common sense. If he had a relationship before his current wife/partner, then he has no need to tell her. If she asks him, then he should tell the truth....and the same holds for his wife. She does not need to tell all about her past, unless he asks - in which case, she should tell the truth.

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Haha fair play Poster asked a question which I thought was obvious but maybe I'm wrong

For one I wouldn't start a relationship while withholding info like that, maybe it's ok for you and the wife u end up! But for me I wouldn't mind but I would like to know up front!

Our guru says wen we are married we become one for me that means no holding secrets a lie by ommision is still a lie, that's my take on it anyway

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There's that old saying "What happens before you took Amrit, stays when you didn't take Amrit". :lol2: High-Five, Great Success!!!

But seriously, this kind of situation needs to handled very carefully. If your wife is mature enough to handle any revelations about your past pre-Amrit then I'd go for it. It will lessen the load on your conscience and you'll feel a lot better. If, however, she's the kind of person who will latch onto your sordid past and use it against you at every conceivable opportunity during married life then you'll regret it, and you'll wonder why you're being punished for being honest.

Bottom line, can she handle the truth? Is she emotionally mature enough to appreciate you're a changed person due to taking Khande Di Paulh, and this act of clearing the air and wiping the slate clean is the sign of a honourable person who wants to start married life with no previous baggage?

Personally, I'd go for it either way. But it's your call of course.

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I would be very cautious about hiding things deliberately. Maybe she finds out because you tell her. This is something you can have control over (ie how you tell her, mood, environment etc). But what if she finds out some other way? What if she manages to meet your prev girlfriend and finds out like that?

I reiterate the above messages about role reversal. How would you react if you found out about your partner's past? If she had a secret, would you want her to tell you? If so, how? I think even posting about this shows you care.

Personally, I would want to know all. Stops any surprises or future skeletons popping out of closets.

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