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Confessions of a Toronto Nice Guy


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Guest Regrets

Dear Sangat ji,

One thing I have realized is the whole world is obsessed with sex, posters on this forum are obsessed by the fact that they are addicted to pornography or are obsessed with kaam or maybe they have had sexual relationships already.

I was always interested in getting married when I was younger, in fact as a young man, I was hoping that I would be married off when I was 24, it never happend. I never decided to have sex even at that early stage, because I believed in the notion of waiting till marriage. I think these these days, no one does, and the fallacy of expecting your wife to be a virgin is worthless as well. I waited, I still didnt' decide to have sex, but I met a lot of Sikh women, (Yes, you can call them Sikh or not), but I choose to, did it matter to me if they were virgins or not, but they expected to have sex and if you didn't, you were classified as gay or something was wrong with you. Lets just say, I never wanted to admit that I was a virgin, here I am 27 and telling women, I have never engaged in intercourse, well lets just say it was comical to say the least.

So I am turning 29, my parents are asking me to go to India in July to get married and which I am.. But my concern was why I even bothered to not have sex, I believed in this whole notion of love and marriage, and soul mates.. I feel somewhat cheated and sad, that I couldnt' find anyone..


I just needed somewhere to vent my sadness and frustration. To all teh girls born here in the UK/US/Canada, there are good guys out there, every check wants a guy who is a bad guy, who treats them like <banned word filter activated>, and finally they open their eyes. I wasn't a boring guy, but I think I was a genuine human being.

Confessions of a Toronto Nice Guy

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Do not malign Sikh girls like this. It works both ways. Why were you seeing women in the first place? Why not just let your elders find someone - have a chat (30 mins max and chaperoned) and then say yeah or nay? Worked that way for me and my Mrs and many of our friends. No one I know dated etc. Hope all works out well in India for you.

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Dearest _Regret_ Jee,

First of all, big vedaiya(congratulations) to you that at 29, you are finally going to India in July and getting married. I pray to Gurujee that may this all be in His Will for you and happen very happily and the coming year bring you blessings from the house of Guru Nanak.

Secondly, I congratulate you that through God's grace you stayed the way you are with great willpower and as we say in punjabee, 'anakh'. Be thankful that this gift of marriage is now coming your way through God's grace and God blessed you to be strong in your will power all these years. Anybody who rejected you in the past was not meant to be your jeewan sathan(partner in the life), hence do not feel cheated or sad. At the end of the day we only get what is meant to be for us, and always think of those who have so much less than you. When something is not meant for you it just never clicks. But when something is meant to be yours it comes in ways you never imagined. Everything has a time and place. There are things I desired when I was in my 20s which have come my way in my 40s and 50s hehe. I always wanted to learn swimming but so many obstacles blocked me. However after 30 years I finally learnt swimming this year, and am still learning. It has been my lifelong dream to be able to ride a horse like puratan Singhs and now that is my plan for 2013, so it is never too late to receive any blessings from God. At 29 you are still a fresh naujawan at the peak and prime of your life where strength and stamina merge and shine together very brightly! So this is indeed a great age to be married because you are mature and experienced and will know how to look after your wife.

You probably need to think ahead as to how you will help your wife to familiarise and settle within Canadian society which is different to India. Things like language, the white canadian mindset which she will have to interact with, and conversion courses relating to her previous education/employment. You must be very excited because there is so much to do hehe.

As to your comments relating to Sikh/non Sikh girls, let the past be the past. Do not judge anyone and if guys/girls choose to be foolish in their choice than that is their problem. In this age, people hardly like to listen to advice so just focus on your future now and do not bother with others choices. There are wise people like you, but there are many foolish people too, who suffer as you said for choosing partners who treat them horribly.

As Gurbanee says a gem is best valued by a gem dealer, so it is to the misfortune of those you knew that they could not suss out your purity and love you for it. So, put away your heavy heart, and pray to God that the lady you are marrying is blessed by God to be God's choice of a life partner to you. Gurbani says ''ek jot, doe murtee, dhan pir khiyeh soe'' i.e husband and wife are said to be those who have two different physical bodies but share one light, one love, one spirit, because their souls blend into one another.

So walk into your future casting away all dross and heaviness from the past. Focus on being a true, strong, powerful inspired Sikh and encourage your wife too, so you are not name sake Sikhs whose minds are polluted with bad culture and whose hearts have no love for God and Guru. Let this change be not only be in terms of getting married, but becoming strong in your religion. If you and your wife hold hands and walk on the path of Sikhi, you will be walking into Light, where no darkness will destroy your marriage but instead your life and marriage will be blessed.

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Dear Sangat ji,

One thing I have realized is the whole world is obsessed with sex, posters on this forum are obsessed by the fact that they are addicted to pornography or are obsessed with kaam or maybe they have had sexual relationships already.

I was always interested in getting married when I was younger, in fact as a young man, I was hoping that I would be married off when I was 24, it never happend. I never decided to have sex even at that early stage, because I believed in the notion of waiting till marriage. I think these these days, no one does, and the fallacy of expecting your wife to be a virgin is worthless as well. I waited, I still didnt' decide to have sex, but I met a lot of Sikh women, (Yes, you can call them Sikh or not), but I choose to, did it matter to me if they were virgins or not, but they expected to have sex and if you didn't, you were classified as gay or something was wrong with you. Lets just say, I never wanted to admit that I was a virgin, here I am 27 and telling women, I have never engaged in intercourse, well lets just say it was comical to say the least.

So I am turning 29, my parents are asking me to go to India in July to get married and which I am.. But my concern was why I even bothered to not have sex, I believed in this whole notion of love and marriage, and soul mates.. I feel somewhat cheated and sad, that I couldnt' find anyone..

I just needed somewhere to vent my sadness and frustration. To all teh girls born here in the UK/US/Canada, there are good guys out there, every check wants a guy who is a bad guy, who treats them like <banned word filter activated>, and finally they open their eyes. I wasn't a boring guy, but I think I was a genuine human being.

Confessions of a Toronto Nice Guy

You've got no reason to be ashamed, worried, or even slightly regretful. There's a lot more things in life to be wistful about than wondering why you didn't succumb to the lure of flesh.

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I completely sympathize with your predicament.

Also, I think it extends to more than just sex. It extends to other characteristics of being a "nice guy" (like not drinking, being religious, etc.)

I found a girl who was just like me in many ways (virgin, non-drinker, etc.). In the end, she thought I was "too nice" and wanted more of a "bad boy".

Most of the guys who she had been into previously were "bad boys," but I gave her the benefit of the doubt (perhaps it was a phase she went through when she was younger, etc.)

That's the sad thing. Even a lot of girls who are "nice girls" want guys who are more "bad" than them

I do wonder at times if I am delusional to think that there are girls out there who value what a guy like me has to offer

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People make things out to be very big u know. "<banned word filter activated>, <banned word filter activated> <banned word filter activated> <banned word filter activated> llalalalalalalalal...." but sex is a big thing. It is how we increase but also a physical way of telling ur partner "I WOFF U!" Its best to save urself and not have sex before marriage. Its good with the same person (no I never had sex)but resisting kaam is the first and foremost duty of a Gursikh.

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