Jump to content

Marriage worries


Guest Singhni

Recommended Posts

Guest Singhni

I am 20, and the topic of marriage continues to come up these days. The thought of marrying a stranger (through an arranged marriage) really scares me. It has recently hit me that I'll be going into a completely unknown family and will know hardly anything about my husband.

I don't have a dad, he was a raging alcoholic and subsequently I am picky about the sort of partner I'd want. The very last thing I want is to be stuck in a miserable marriage. But the process of having an arranged marriage doesn't allow for that... I imagine that those couple of families who are interested in me will let me know, and from there we make a decision about whether to go ahead or not. I basically meet complete strangers.

It hit me because somebody was asking about me after seeing me in the sangat. And I realised, that simply based on appearance and knowing a couple of things about the person, the marriage is set up. How can I move into a home with a strange family, with whom I'll never feel comfortable? And live life with a stranger?

I'm not really a confident person... I'm shy and it takes a while to know me. I feel I won't be ready when the time comes. I'll have to impress a whole family. I'm a clumsy fool really and I just don't understand how I'll make that transition.

Basically, this is weirding me out. I haven't been told about how this works, or how to deal with it, it's just something that people don't talk about. And people seem to just get on with it... but it's such a big thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

arranged marraige doesnt mean you dont get to know them... if you take an interest in soemone and they take an interest in you, you get to know each other first... Dont just get married because you have seen this person one time, no matter what anyone says its going to be you marrying him and your decision is first

hope your okay

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just be careful and do your research on the person. There are plenty of Sikhs who are actually married on here, yet none have given their advice lol.

I haven't given any advice to the sister because I frankly have no right to do so. As a man, it was relatively easy for me to get an 'arranged marriage' because it was not me that had to leave my loving family and live in a strange house with strangers. Honestly, hand on my heart, if I were a girl I don't think I could do it. Our sisters are put in a very very difficult position.

Acknowledging though, that the sister would appreciate some advice, my advice is that she tries to meet a Singh herself from the Gurdwara activities....either the simran activities or gatka classes or Punjabi classes etc. Meet a Singh that way and get to know each other and each other's family that way. My feeling is that she perhaps feels that is like dating or having a boyfriend and as a 'traditionallst' she may either feel that is wrong or may feel that her mum would disapprove. I can assure her that is not the case. I'm sure her mother would be overwhelmed with happiness at seeing her gursikh daughter find a good gursikh husband.

Link to post
Share on other sites

West London Singh hit the nail on the head, nice to see some pragmatic and practical advice!

The original poster is right to be cautious in an era when half of all marriages fail. Better to know that you are making a commitment to someone that you can relate to.

Also, who says you have to move in with anyone's family? There are no hard and fast rules anymore, the world is a changed place and extended families under a single roof are now often impractical and ill advised. If you can get on with his family, great! If not, be honest about what worries you and ask what the exit strategy is if things start to go wrong. You will be able to gauge plenty from the reaction to the question. Someone who reacts badly/takes offence is either still tied to the apron strings or is subordinate to his social constructs. Someone who is empowered will discuss and explore your concerns AND offer solutions. If the guy is not ready to "Man Up" for himself and his future wife, then that is invariably a red flag for a prospective partner.

Be honest about your concerns and let your intuition guide you.

Best of luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Original Poster and others,

Your concerns are real and valid.
Others have made good posts here, but i would like to add:

What do you want?
Marriage is hard work, especially these days when people give up so easily.
Even when married, people will often stray, especially in the world of mobile phones/texting and internet.
Arranged marriage is not forced marriage.
i have known people that were lovers for a few years, then marry and cheat/break up.
Demand that if you are still interested after see the bloke, want to chat separately, then have a few meets. Then work out what he wants, what you want, and what compromises, if any. Compromising works both ways.

not every man or woman that drinks is an alcoholic. I have met people where they say their boy does not drink but drinks in secret.

Rather than ruin your life and poss the life of the man, be assertive now, comprimise and tell your family you want the best for you, them and you and your future husbands future. husband.

Don't jusge before you try, but demand meetings/choice as its YOUR LIFE (Note, most parents wants the best for their kids and not all mother-in-laws are bad) (Earn respect with reasonable people)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa !!

Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh !!

Choti bhen

Do not worry , if you like someone among the choices your parents get , you will get plenty of time before wedding to know each other .

It more like Dating or start of a relation , i personally believe that a before marriage relation offers nothing much afterwards . Like there is nothing knew nut thats what i think . (hope people do not feel offended by it)

in earlier times the whole point of getting married was exciting to know about ur partner and in laws

Do not worry Trust Waheguru everything will go good.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am 20, and the topic of marriage continues to come up these days. The thought of marrying a stranger (through an arranged marriage) really scares me. It has recently hit me that I'll be going into a completely unknown family and will know hardly anything about my husband.

I don't have a dad, he was a raging alcoholic and subsequently I am picky about the sort of partner I'd want. The very last thing I want is to be stuck in a miserable marriage. But the process of having an arranged marriage doesn't allow for that... I imagine that those couple of families who are interested in me will let me know, and from there we make a decision about whether to go ahead or not. I basically meet complete strangers.

It hit me because somebody was asking about me after seeing me in the sangat. And I realised, that simply based on appearance and knowing a couple of things about the person, the marriage is set up. How can I move into a home with a strange family, with whom I'll never feel comfortable? And live life with a stranger?

I'm not really a confident person... I'm shy and it takes a while to know me. I feel I won't be ready when the time comes. I'll have to impress a whole family. I'm a clumsy fool really and I just don't understand how I'll make that transition.

Basically, this is weirding me out. I haven't been told about how this works, or how to deal with it, it's just something that people don't talk about. And people seem to just get on with it... but it's such a big thing.

I read this and my heart completely went out to you. I know exactly how you feel. I think there should be some sort of instruction manual or guide that explains exactly how this process works lol.

I'm going through all this so far and it's really bizarre and honestly really embarrassing at times. You probably already know that your parents ask around and then people give them suggestions..what happens from there is sort of up to you. You can either meet the person face to face at a neutral persons house or you can choose to email them or speak on the phone to begin with.

I'm quite conservative so I went with email. It was utterly ridiculous. The person emailed me and in the message title they put "RE: Marriage proposal". I almost died laughing.

But generally, the process does work and you have to remember that nobody will make you marry someone you don't want to marry. It's entirely your choice and you can have as long as you want to speak to the other person and their family and make a decision. Please don't be scared or worry that you're marrying a stranger. The other person will not be a stranger by the time you decide on marriage..

With regards to fitting in with the family..honestly, just do your best. This bit petrifies me. I always worry about whether they'll like me and what they'll think of me. But, put in the effort and any decent family will see that you're trying. It's difficult for everyone but we all have to learn to adapt and accommodate each other. Kindness and patience is the name of the game.

I'm sure you're not a clumsy fool..why do you think that? If you're not good with knowing what to do when guests come over and stuff, just learn. If there is any situation in life which makes you uncomfortable, you should repeatedly put yourself in that situation until you become comfortable and get better at dealing with it. It's how we grow as people! Push yourself and improve at the things you can't do, you'll be ok.

Any specific questions, just ask and I will do my best to answer!

Hope this has been somewhat reassuring

:happy2:

Link to post
Share on other sites
ਸੰਜੋਗੁ ਵਿਜੋਗੁ ਧੁਰਹੁ ਹੀ ਹੂਆ ॥

Union and separation are ordained by the Primal Power ( SGGS jeeo - Ang 1007 )


Parents only act as per the wish of God.

We only receive what is in our destiny.



ਮਾਤ ਪਿਤਾ ਬਨਿਤਾ ਸੁਤ ਬੰਧਪ ਇਸਟ ਮੀਤ ਅਰੁ ਭਾਈ ॥

मात पिता बनिता सुत बंधप इसट मीत अरु भाई ॥

Māṯ piṯā baniṯā suṯ banḏẖap isat mīṯ ar bẖā▫ī.

Mother, father, spouse, children, relatives, lovers, friends and siblings,

ਬਨਿਤਾ = ਇਸਤ੍ਰੀ। ਸੁਤ = ਪੁੱਤਰ। ਬੰਧਪ = ਰਿਸ਼ਤੇਦਾਰ। ਇਸਟ = ਪਿਆਰੇ, ਇਸ਼ਟ। ਅਰੁ = ਅਤੇ।

ਹੇ ਭਾਈ! ਮਾਂ ਪਿਉ, ਇਸਤ੍ਰੀ, ਪੁੱਤਰ, ਰਿਸ਼ਤੇਦਾਰ, ਪਿਆਰੇ ਮਿੱਤਰ ਅਤੇ ਭਰਾ-


ਪੂਰਬ ਜਨਮ ਕੇ ਮਿਲੇ ਸੰਜੋਗੀ ਅੰਤਹਿ ਕੋ ਨ ਸਹਾਈ ॥੧॥

पूरब जनम के मिले संजोगी अंतहि को न सहाई ॥१॥

Pūrab janam ke mile sanjogī anṯėh ko na sahā▫ī. ||1||

meet, having been associated in previous lives; but none of them will be your companion and support in the end. ||1||

ਪੂਰਬ = ਪਹਿਲੇ। ਸੰਜੋਗੀ = ਸੰਜੋਗਾਂ ਨਾਲ। ਅੰਤਹਿ = ਅਖ਼ੀਰ ਵੇਲੇ। ਕੋ = ਕੋਈ ਭੀ। ਸਹਾਈ = ਸਾਥੀ ॥੧॥

ਇਹ ਸਾਰੇ ਪਹਿਲੇ ਜਨਮਾਂ ਦੇ ਸੰਜੋਗਾਂ ਕਰਕੇ (ਇਥੇ) ਮਿਲ ਪਏ ਹਨ। ਅਖ਼ੀਰ ਵੇਲੇ ਇਹਨਾਂ ਵਿਚੋਂ ਕੋਈ ਭੀ ਸਾਥੀ ਨਹੀਂ ਬਣਦਾ ॥੧॥ (SGGS jeeo - Ang 700)



Don't worry have faith in WAHEGURU
Link to post
Share on other sites

WGJKWGJKF Bhenji - Im no good with any advice, but turn to Sri Guru Granth Sahib to sort his advice via hukkumama and meditate on that, also I know some Singhnis who may be able to help clear things up just personal message me and I give you the contact details. Must admit the advice on this forum is good.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • advertisement_alt
  • advertisement_alt
  • advertisement_alt


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use