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having doubts about sikhi


Guest UK Singh
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Guest UK Singh

im sort of just gonna go on a rant about wat im currently feeling about sikhi.

im currently just thinking about leaving sikhi behind annd just becoming a manmukh. i mean wats the point of being a sikh of the guru, if i cant wake up at amritvela,? if i cant even do simran,? if i dont have any shub gunn (sat, santokh, daya etc)? and i watch tv,? and constanly being bombarded by kaam ego krodh lobh and moh? what makes me different than a gora or punjabi person thats not amritdhari?

I have lost pyra for sikhi and for guru sahib.....and i have tried to get it back and to no avail my attempts have failed...im just a loser, a fake, a pakhandi, a disgrace to sikhi and to guru sahib...so wouldnt i be doing everyone a favour by just leaving this religion?

As my wordly knowloedge specifically knowledge i am reciving at school about how the human brain works and how humans behave, it just seems to me that there is no such thing as god and that it more of personal thing about how people act such as thier physiological state can determine thier behavior and if you activate certain brain regions you can make people beleive that they have seen god etc. etc.

Dont get me wrong.....I actually once had a jeevan back in the day in my teenage years....i used to wake up at amritvela everyday at 2:50 am and would do ishnaan and start doing simran by around 3 am and would do it for a minimum one hour and then i would do my punj bani's and then i would go back to sleep around 5am to 530am ish. I woke up on a consistent basis, in about 3 years i probably missed amritvela only twice, other than that i woke up everyday.

With guru sahibs kirpa, i would even have the chance of doing 5 or somtimes 10 extra jap ji sahibs the paat a day and i did that for atleast 2-3 months on a consistent basis. ALso with guru sahib kirpa, i was able to start sitting in sangat in one sitting without moving my legs or opening my eyes for at least five to six hrs straight and i would just sit there just listening to keertan and i wouldnt even realise that i had been sitting for that long and i did that on a consistent basis (it wasn't a once in a time thing).

Also i was also able to increase my simran to 2.5hrs to 3hrs a day for a couple months.

and i rarely watched any sort of tv in my teenage yrs....

i guess i had pretty good jeevan back then?

Back then i had alot sharda and love for guru sahib and for sikhi..... and for his gursikhs

eventually i had a chance to stay with this gursikh (who i will not name, since alot of ppl respect him(but i dont anymore))who came to the UK, and i considered him to be a true gursikh/bram giani. I did sangat of him for long time almost half a year or so, and i saw many thing that were against maryada that he did, like taking off keeski like a topi, not washing hands properly when holding pothi, not waking up at amritvela( side not i thought they didnt wake up at amritvela because i thought they were in "samadhi"), not seeing them do thier nitnem or doing simran (they even told me to stop doing my nitnem) etc etc the list goes on..... but i was too naive, i didnt want to beleive what i was seeing, i just chose to ignore what i saw and thought to myself that they were testing my sharda etc

However, while staying with them i thought i was doing good for myself by diong sangat of a gursilh that did seva for god, so i thought i would bennifit from that.

When i eventually left their sangat, the immedidate effects of thier sangat was that i was no longer able to wake up at amritvela and the simran i used to do stopped to, i was just overcome with pure laziness. I thought it was just temporary but i was wrong, so far its been almost 4 years since i havent woken up at amritvela on a consistent basis and done simran on a consistent basis.And another effect was that i was no longer able to go to sangat like i used to on a regular basis, and i also stopped doing proper adrass (i just do the short one)

Amritvela was my life, by waking up at amritvela i would feel happy about myself. but by not waking up at amritvela i started to become depressed and started to feel bad about myself and eveantually i didnt want to show my face to the other singhs because i just felt like such a pakhandi and ashamed of myself. and with the depression that i eventually got it caused me even further to stay away from sangat. Eventaully by not waking up at amrtivela, i started to become atttacked by maya alot, espically kaam, and that caused me to eniterely lose my spirtual jeevan. And i also started to watch lots of TV and spend alot of time on the internet. And basically now i live a manmukh jeevan, i watch tv (lots of it), look at girls all the time , have kaami thoughts all time , engrossed in maya 24/7..... i guess the only thing that seperates me from a manukh is that i still do my 5 banis and rehrasss and keertan sohilla everyday.

Basically, i see no point in trying to becoming a sikh anymore, i tried so hard in my teenage yrs because i wanted to become a true singh, i didnt have any freinds in school and i didnt even have a gf and i didnt even talk or flirt with girls (except for a while but i eventaully stoppped), i tried my best not use the internet that much, i tried my best to watch little to no tv, i tried my best to stay away from bad sangat and to only do sangat of certain good singhs.

After staying with that "gursikh" and seeing other singhs that i looked up to alot and finding out they are not what i thought they were, it was really heartbreaking for me to see, it really just broke my sharda and love towarsd sikhi from seeing these tyope of pakhandi singhs that i looked up to as role models not ebing what i thought they really were.

In ending, i just wanted to get this off my chest (since i have no freinds, and i have been holding on to this for so long, i thought that this would be way to get off) and i want to truely say that i have no love for sikhi....i want to have love but i just dont know how anymore.........i have tried to do simran and read bani but i just cant do it...i just cant...maybe its not written in my karama to practice living sikh way of life......i guess its just better for me to give up and not have any spirtualy expectation about myself.........................

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I feel your pain, bro. I think you've had your faith shaken by the display of the Gursikh you mention. I'm no shining beacon of Sikhi or anything like that myself, but I'm finding my way like most people on this site. I think nobody can convince you of anything unless you feel it yourself, and sometimes we have to go through tribulations; a journey of some sort, where we see the "other side" of life before we realise what exactly life without (or with) Sikhi is.

You'll be glad to know that many great Sikhs have experienced this loss of faith during a point in their lives. My mother was reading a book by a hugely respected Giani (the names escapes me but it was something like 'Iqbal Singh' I'm not sure though), and he basically goes onto say this momentary loss of connection some Sikhs experience when they've been hugely attuned to the Sikh way of life is par for the course, and you just need to ride it out.

You have to wonder whether the period of your life where you did the sangat of that Gursikh who disappointed you, was actually designed to cement your shardaa and not dent it? Was Guru Sahib showing you not to seek solace or have faith in man (who is fallible and can only truly be fathomed up close)? I would think you were very fortunate to have received a "heads-up" from Guru Ji to keep your wits about you and not believe in reputations but observe deeds of a true Sikh? I don't know only you can answer that, my friend.

I hope you come out of this funk, because the little I do know (and the little amount of Sikhi I am practicising at the moment) tells me that you are not meant for a life devoid of Sikhi. It's as plain as day from your words.

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Veerji, I can only humbly suggest that the nub of the issue is one: God. You have described great rehat compliance, love for and then disgrace to religion and guru and so on. Have you ever had love for God? If you have then you would not feel that he does not exist. Sikhi is about God, not about religious actions or pyar for Guru etc, it is all false if one has not actually realised that we are doing all this to be closer to our wonderful God. The core of sikhi is not a set of actions by any means and keeping rehat etc will not lead to God like some people like to think. Guru ji has free'd us from this mentality of actions leading to God. Only love in the heart and bonding to his True name will make the true essence of reality visible. Rehat and religious activities serve to bolster this along with practising 5 virtues and note that this in turn comes through God's grace.

PM me and I can discuss in further detail as to something which may help you. I would not be able to discuss this publicly as your spirituality is a private matter.

-----------------

Standard disclaimer:Would others refrain from the urge to engage with me please, I have no interest to waste my time discussing, I'm only wanting to talk to the OP nobody else.

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Veerji my advise is start studying guru granth sahib cover to cover - just one ang a day ... think of this as a spiritual journey rather than a religious one ......

Kabeer sahib says "Jahan gyan tahan dharam hai , jahan jhooth tahan paap" .....there is no sikhi without knowledge of guru's shabad

cover to cover?May be that is not the best way to say it. I get the point but a bit more respect plzz?!

to the op, maybe you are convinving yourself that you don't 'deserve' sikhism. That wont happen though, you are never goig to get this life back so why lose such a great chance.

Kaam, it is only affecting you because you are young. when you are older and mroe mature, hopefully-you will regret it. You have lost a lot since youve lost your jeevan whic is the main essence of a sikh BUT YIU HAVE NOT LOST EVERYTHING.

It is down to you, If you want to be saved you will be. This isn't the best thing to say and in most cases i would be against saying this advice, but you are not doing a bujjar kurhet by watching tv. Yeah do not look at girls, but you have not done anything drastic as of yet and I hope you understand that God is like our mom, he will always forgive us.

For now just live you 'normal life', continue doing the nitnem, extra praying and simran will come to you when you are at that stage. For now just believe in God, get that notion out of you r head about all the science theories and rubbish. That is a load of ****.

How could you have lost your love for guru ji, if youever loved him you wouldn't have lost the love. Love can never be lose, ever. You do love guru ji, you do love the shaheeds and our brothers baba fateh singh jee who gave were brutally tortured at such tender ages. who cannot love them?

A family friend of mine was in a similar situation to you and didn't speak directly to me about his views but i was informed later on what had happened. He was a singh and then broke the amrit, started dating and drinking and being a typucal manmukh. Fortunately, (this is a very rare case) but he actually came back to sikhi. the only difference is that now he has a fuller beard as a result of all the shaving, but he regrets each and every moment. None of his relationships worked in that period and he said he felt that he would lose his heart and feelings if he continued being a manmukh for any longer. with guru sahibs kirpa, he has now become a better singh and i woudl say his story of coming back on the tracks is quite inspiring.

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I feel as if all that happened to you was a test from god to see if you were capable to walk the path of sikhi. The path of sikhi as said in anand sahib is sharper than a sword and smaller than a hair. To walk such a path one is bound to face obstacles, and one that is only pure will overcome them. This was all a obstacle from guru ji to see if you can cross this path. Think to your self if i could do it before why cant i do it now, because the awards of walking this path are beyond what the tongue can narrate.

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Guest dasguruka

Leave an email contact and I'll email. I think since you're a guest you can't send me a message.

Click on the falcon and it'll take you to my profile...on top of the green bar it should say 'send me a message' If it doesn't (since you're a guest) then just leave an email and I'll get in touch

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