You don’t need to be sorry
I missed what actually happened and the reason for your breakup, but I doubt you need to feel disgusting. Can you write a letter to him and get all your feelings out? Will that help give you some form of closure?
Are you in England? It’s probably harder right now due to the lockdown. Once everything opens up and you can do whatever it is you would normally do to keep your mind busy hopefully you will feel a lot better.
Its difficult to become humble as these great sants of the past 😦
It's so easy to get wound up and start arguing with someone, its so hard not to react when someone says something to you and just stand there and ignore it. While these sants were so humble and took whatever people called them. I'v lost count the number of times i'v had a row with people in public over silly little things! its a egoistical thing isn't, standing there quite just feels like defeat, which is just your ego basically.
It's like the story of a sant trying to save a scorpion that was drowning in the river and every time he went in to save the scorpion it would sting his hand and he would let go, and then he went in to save it again and it stung him again, and then he did it again.