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Dating In Sikhi


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Wjkk, wjkf

I am a Amritdhari Gursikh girl in middle school. One of my closest Amritdhari friends recently told me that she had an Amritdhari boyfriend. I have always heard that dating is wrong in Sikhi. but since the boy was Amritdhari i didn't know if it was allowed or not. Can someone please enlighten me on this issue?

Also, my friend told me that, when i asked her if she was allowed to date, that other Amritdharis in school do it too and with girls/boys of other races and religions. Can someone Please clear this dating thing up with me and tell me what is right and wrong?

Wjkk, wjkf

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Guest dasguruka

Vjkk Vjkf. It's wrong bhenji. When I took Amrit the 5 pyare told us not to touch others. Dating is not allowed to Gursikhs. If you like/love the guy then have your parents involved for a possible marriage. If not then follow your rehit as much as possible.

Vjkk VJkf

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Wjkk, wjkf

Thank You your replies and i have an another question..

How do i try to tell my friend that this is wrong? She is a very close friend and I want her to connect with the Guru.

Can someone give me advice on how to approach her? I just want to help her.

Wjkk, wjkf

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Wjkk, wjkf

Thank You your replies and i have an another question..

How do i try to tell my friend that this is wrong? She is a very close friend and I want her to connect with the Guru.

Can someone give me advice on how to approach her? I just want to help her.

Wjkk, wjkf

Give her a book named "Satwant Kaur" by Bhai Sahib Bhai Veer Singh ji and leave the rest to Guru Sahib. Her karam will take her where she's destined to, we can't change them.

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Wjkk, wjkf

I tried to tell my friend that dating is wrong and she starts to call me Taksali! She said that her other friends are way more Taksali then me and they told her she can do whatever she wants to do as long as she does path and has 5 Kakaar. She has stopped talking and texting me and i am now very confused.

My question: what did i say that made her mad at me and call me Taksali? And please further explain the term 'Taksali"? Please I really need your help Sadh Sangat JI!

Wjkk, wjkf

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Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

Told you so.

Taksal means Sikh Educational Organisation like Damdami Taksal.

They are considered to be strict, disciplined-hardliners.

Kid just concentrate on your Jeevan, stay away from her.

It's Gods will that you stay away from her, accept it !

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

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we need to b sensibl yes when time to get married we got get kno each other. So datin is one way. Its ok as long as u respect and no jump in bed here ther everywher. Or in back of cars . For the above topic 2 women go for sense o humor body height eyes voice successful money confidence conversation caringness looks are in ther but these r mor priority for them. Wo u say ladies right?

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 6 months later...

VAHEGURU JI KA KHALSA, VAHEGURU JI KI FATEH

So datin is one way. Its ok as long...

Ummm...no. One thing leads to another and suddenly you are back on this forum saying, "Help! I got a girl pregnant/I am pregnant".

I personally would feel it's ok to date, if you are mentally stable and can continue remembering Waheguru while your dating(not really possible), cause you know Waheguru would totally be fine with you looking at what he created in the wrong way(Sarcasm), Guru Gobind Singh was only joking when he said to view all women the same and a women should see all men the same.(Some "liberal Sikhs" said this not me), Dating if only for knowing each other is ok, instead of dating the people should have courtships.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Since I joined this forum I have grown more mature and understanding of relationships. Firstly I am going to answer the title of this thread, regarding dating.

To begin with, I think we should also understand things like puberty, hormones as well as peer pressure from media and society, and over-sexualisation from media. Also understand that in the western perspective, the dating terms girlfriend and boyfriend actually describe being partners, similar to what a husband and wife is.

I have pondered, contemplated and understood some things:

  • One thing is that, historically and world-wide, people used to get married usually in their teenage years or perhaps early adulthood/ early 20s, and this was in tune with human nature (hormones, puberty etc). Look at the ages Guru jis got married. I do not even think the Guru jis or purataan sikhs/Singhs would consider it appropriate for anyone to marry at the ages people marry now, including the ages sikhs are now getting married at, especially in the west. We can exclude non grihast ashram following celibate/Behingam purash such as Baba Sri Chand, Nihang Singhs committed to doing sewa, sants committed to sewa etc.
  • Previous generations, such as sikh migrants to the uk, probably married at suitable ages. Parents from both western countries and India have not been able to well adapt these marital traditions to the desire to get married later due to issues such as studying at University. Only a minority of students are already married when they start university. I also know of a gursikh family whose daughter got married during university.
  • Human nature desires a partner (again due to puberty, hormones etc), but the pressure is again increased due to peer pressure, society, media, and of course age as well. Traditional arranged marriage provided a partner at an appropriate age. Modern arranged marriage is no longer age-friendly. The desire for a partner leads to getting a boyfriend/girlfriend, which of course is a partner as well isn't it? This is definitely not the gurmatt way or grihasti way, but sometimes this can lead to a grihast marital lifestyle. But in alot of cases it is a replacement. I can even say, for many people dating is now a marital type lifestyle as well, living in a family and having children, just like a married couple. But if you are sikh, then this isn't Anand Karaj though is it? It's more of a cultural thing in the west.
  • In punjabi culture, (I have also seen this in older punjabi movies) an unmarried man past his early 20s would become known as "Sharrah". That's like saying this person is past his marital age now. I actually saw in these older movies Mehar Mittal used to be the Sharrah flirting with single girls in a comedy way, sometimes getting married to one.

So to conclude, people are dating because children go past the age that tradition and gurmatt would recommend for marriage, and human nature and societal influences takes over.

OK, so many sikhs including amritdharis are not going for arranged marriages anymore. In that case, parents need to explain to the children concentrate on looking for a husband and wife, not to look for a boyfriend and girlfriend which is the western cultural norm.

Getting to know someone is very good for marriage, but there is no point in becoming constrained in a boyfriend-girlfriend partnership if your aim is to be in a marital grihast partnership such as through Anand Karaj.

FInally I will refer to the context of middle school. Are middle schoolers teenagers? I think at this age hormones and puberty start. Back in old times some people got married at these ages I guess. I reckon peer pressure is also leading to people dating at this age but then again, in the UK girls get pregnant at 12 in deprived areas yet people will say it is backwards to marry at similar ages. I would say marriage was mutually exclusive to bodily changes. As the law now dictates when someone may marry, then dating has replaced teenage partnerships in society.

I think your friend is either one of those "chalak" girls, or her hormones have taken over, such things happen to some young people earlier than others. I would be careful if I were you.

In the context of amrit-dharis dating. I know amrit-dhari families from indian backgrounds who would not dare date. I myself don't come from a gursikh family, but we wear turbans and are very traditional. Most amrit-dharis I have seen that date are ones that don't come from families that have a recent link to India or Punjab, like I had friends that were Amrit-Dharis but they weren't very traditional, their families came from other countries where the sikh sangat had become very modern and no longer frowned on dating, they aren't very desi and use condescending terms to describe punjabis such as "Indian Mentality". Just remember, Guru jis and purataan Singhs lived in desi society, and even the history in Gurbaani references this society as well.

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Since I joined this forum I have grown more mature and understanding of relationships. Firstly I am going to answer the title of this thread, regarding dating.

To begin with, I think we should also understand things like puberty, hormones as well as peer pressure from media and society, and over-sexualisation from media. Also understand that in the western perspective, the dating terms girlfriend and boyfriend actually describe being partners, similar to what a husband and wife is.

I have pondered, contemplated and understood some things:

  • One thing is that, historically and world-wide, people used to get married usually in their teenage years or perhaps early adulthood/ early 20s, and this was in tune with human nature (hormones, puberty etc). Look at the ages Guru jis got married. I do not even think the Guru jis or purataan sikhs/Singhs would consider it appropriate for anyone to marry at the ages people marry now, including the ages sikhs are now getting married at, especially in the west. We can exclude non grihast ashram following celibate/Behingam purash such as Baba Sri Chand, Nihang Singhs committed to doing sewa, sants committed to sewa etc.
  • Previous generations, such as sikh migrants to the uk, probably married at suitable ages. Parents from both western countries and India have not been able to well adapt these marital traditions to the desire to get married later due to issues such as studying at University. Only a minority of students are already married when they start university. I also know of a gursikh family whose daughter got married during university.
  • Human nature desires a partner (again due to puberty, hormones etc), but the pressure is again increased due to peer pressure, society, media, and of course age as well. Traditional arranged marriage provided a partner at an appropriate age. Modern arranged marriage is no longer age-friendly. The desire for a partner leads to getting a boyfriend/girlfriend, which of course is a partner as well isn't it? This is definitely not the gurmatt way or grihasti way, but sometimes this can lead to a grihast marital lifestyle. But in alot of cases it is a replacement. I can even say, for many people dating is now a marital type lifestyle as well, living in a family and having children, just like a married couple. But if you are sikh, then this isn't Anand Karaj though is it? It's more of a cultural thing in the west.
  • In punjabi culture, (I have also seen this in older punjabi movies) an unmarried man past his early 20s would become known as "Sharrah". That's like saying this person is past his marital age now. I actually saw in these older movies Mehar Mittal used to be the Sharrah flirting with single girls in a comedy way, sometimes getting married to one.
So to conclude, people are dating because children go past the age that tradition and gurmatt would recommend for marriage, and human nature and societal influences takes over.

OK, so many sikhs including amritdharis are not going for arranged marriages anymore. In that case, parents need to explain to the children concentrate on looking for a husband and wife, not to look for a boyfriend and girlfriend which is the western cultural norm.

Getting to know someone is very good for marriage, but there is no point in becoming constrained in a boyfriend-girlfriend partnership if your aim is to be in a marital grihast partnership such as through Anand Karaj.

FInally I will refer to the context of middle school. Are middle schoolers teenagers? I think at this age hormones and puberty start. Back in old times some people got married at these ages I guess. I reckon peer pressure is also leading to people dating at this age but then again, in the UK girls get pregnant at 12 in deprived areas yet people will say it is backwards to marry at similar ages. I would say marriage was mutually exclusive to bodily changes. As the law now dictates when someone may marry, then dating has replaced teenage partnerships in society.

I think your friend is either one of those "chalak" girls, or her hormones have taken over, such things happen to some young people earlier than others. I would be careful if I were you.

In the context of amrit-dharis dating. I know amrit-dhari families from indian backgrounds who would not dare date. I myself don't come from a gursikh family, but we wear turbans and are very traditional. Most amrit-dharis I have seen that date are ones that don't come from families that have a recent link to India or Punjab, like I had friends that were Amrit-Dharis but they weren't very traditional, their families came from other countries where the sikh sangat had become very modern and no longer frowned on dating, they aren't very desi and use condescending terms to describe punjabis such as "Indian Mentality". Just remember, Guru jis and purataan Singhs lived in desi society, and even the history in Gurbaani references this society as well.

I personally have nothing against dating; though, I highly discourage the reason for dating-I wanted her or I wanted him, that's just a childish excuse for dating(I'm a teenager by the way). That is not how love works, it just your endorphins telling you or your hormones telling you stuff. Also these same hormones will tell you: " I can't live with this person anymore they aren't fun anymore." That is just the reality of these hormones they always change: you have to really be committed, (not most people's definition of commuted), to actually think of having a girlfriend or boyfriend. If you don't think about that then it will all be just an emotional play. Emotions change, as will the relationships of these people.

I don't support arranged marriages either or assisted marriages because you really don't know the other person; and can you imagine living with someone you don't know of the opposite gender?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dating as far as getting to know each other is good but touching etc... Then it's lust. lust is not good.

Love key is to join forever. Saving your self for your spouse. Get engaged then I don't see it as wrong but

as a father how can I let a boy touch my daughter who is not her husband? It's greatest shame for parents. What if she gets pregnant? Who's responsible? How will she be viewed by relatives? Etc...

Just finish college first is master key to life

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