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Stuck In A Terrible Marriage


Guest Gupt Kaur

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Guest Gupt Kaur

Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh

I will keep this brief because I am terrified someone will identify me...

I am an amritdhari girl and married to an amritdhari man. I thought the match was good, based on what he made me believe, but it's terrible. He became abusive, controlling, dictating and worse than that he restricts me developing my Sikhi. I am not allowed to go anywhere, or do anything. If I am at home during the day, I have to recount everything that I have done and no matter what I cannot please him. He compares me to other mens wives and says everything against me. I dealt with this as being my karam, but it's getting worse. He now says if we have a child that the child will have to go to India as it's less hassle for him, and also I can't breastfeed so that I can go back to work faster. When I speak out, he pips me to the post always and he speaks so much like a politician that even I end up agreeing with his warped point of views! I don't want to leave him, I would rather work at the marriage but even when others have spoken to him, behind closed doors he's become worse or threatened suicide if I "ruin his name". I feel so depressed, I even pocketed every painkiller in the house and took them to work with me because I couldn't face returning home but I didn't get an opportunity to take them as there was others around, then the feeling subsided. I cry every day, I dread him coming home everyday... What can I do???

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Two examples of inaction from Gursikhs (one male, one female) that I personally knew who were constantly told to "stick it out" in marriages that were doomed from the very beginning. The first, an in

Telling a woman to try harder to make her abusive husband change is the most idiotic and dangerous advice you could give. It is becuase of the advice of people like yourself that so many women and fam

I realise divorce is not an easy option. At the least, you should know that I'm here if you want to talk, and I don't live far away from you either if you want a "confidential" friend.

go to the panj pyare. It is great if you can get him to go with you, or if you think he will say no and try to stop you, go to the panj pyare alone. There is an amrit sanchar and keertan darbar on 4th July at Singh Sabha Gurdwara Crossroads. Panj pyare at amrit sanchars organised by akj or taksal are very experienced in dealing with family/marriage related issues. dont suffer in silence. tell older kamayee valay gursikh (truly spiritual ones) that you can trust, be selective in deciding who you tell though.

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I would call the police and put him in jail. He deserves to rot. Nobody should have any reason to hurt and abuse their significant other.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Firstly alert your parents, they have a right to know about this and see how they deal with it. If nothing is done to solve this issue then contact the police. You may get awkward glances from the community but they'll leave you alone (depending where you are but i figure you wont disclose. Nothing wrong with that of course). What he is doing is completely anti-gurmat. If anyone has witnessed him abusing you, then take them with you as proof of his misdeeds.

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Guest up in the mountains

waheguru ji ka khalsa waheguru ji ki fateh

my sister there is always a way out

but please dont choose to end your life

as we know nothing really ends

and it is a much worser fate

dont let him control you

speak out and even if it has to end the relationship

find a safe way out

dont worry about him committing suicide

thats his issue

find someone around you to support you

its really hard over the internet

but all we can do is pray for you

remember you are a daughter of Guru Gobind Singh Ji

call out to your father

chaupai sahib

will protect you from your husband

and protect you from your own mind when things become tough

and hopefully put some sense in your husbands mind

remember your brothers and sister

turn to the khalsa for help

and help every sister that goes through the same thing

sometimes we experience things

and from that experience

we change things

your are strong

and now use this experience

to rise

and shine light on others

you are strong

vaheguru vaheguru vaheguru vaheguru vaheguru vaheguru

first start within

you are strong

you are a daughter of Guru Gobind Singh Ji

whatever stands in your way

you will climb over it

vaheguru ji ka khalsa vaheguru ji ki fateh

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Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh

I will keep this brief because I am terrified someone will identify me...

I am an amritdhari girl and married to an amritdhari man. I thought the match was good, based on what he made me believe, but it's terrible. He became abusive, controlling, dictating and worse than that he restricts me developing my Sikhi. I am not allowed to go anywhere, or do anything. If I am at home during the day, I have to recount everything that I have done and no matter what I cannot please him. He compares me to other mens wives and says everything against me. I dealt with this as being my karam, but it's getting worse. He now says if we have a child that the child will have to go to India as it's less hassle for him, and also I can't breastfeed so that I can go back to work faster. When I speak out, he pips me to the post always and he speaks so much like a politician that even I end up agreeing with his warped point of views! I don't want to leave him, I would rather work at the marriage but even when others have spoken to him, behind closed doors he's become worse or threatened suicide if I "ruin his name". I feel so depressed, I even pocketed every painkiller in the house and took them to work with me because I couldn't face returning home but I didn't get an opportunity to take them as there was others around, then the feeling subsided. I cry every day, I dread him coming home everyday... What can I do???

Definitely contact Sikh Helpline as someone mentioned alreadt. Also, let us sangat know how everything goes if you followed any of the advice above.

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Guest Anon456

This is completely not normal at all. Please don't think it is. This man is violating you emotionally and doing tremendous damage. Please just seek help from anyone: the Sikh helpline, women's groups/charities, POLICE, etc.

Plus, people who threatened to kill themselves don't really do it. It is those who are quiet and suddenly gone. Also, disregard his "respect", you don't have to sacrifice your sanity for a creature as vile as this man sounds. Good Luck.

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He sounds like an insecure idi*t. Listen- we are not trapped, there is almost always a way out. Why don't u leave him- divorce him and free yourself of his crap- marry again and be happy.

If u think the Gurus would have wanted u to stay in a relationship with a mor*n who abuses u, u are mistaken- they fought back, they never gave up their beliefs and FREEDOM.

Be a Sikh warrior and fight back by freeing yourself of this burden. God gives us karams like this but take it as a blessing and let it make u stronger.

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He sounds like an insecure idi*t. Listen- we are not trapped, there is almost always a way out. Why don't u leave him- divorce him and free yourself of his crap- marry again and be happy.

If u think the Gurus would have wanted u to stay in a relationship with a mor*n who abuses u, u are mistaken- they fought back, they never gave up their beliefs and FREEDOM.

Be a Sikh warrior and fight back by freeing yourself of this burden. God gives us karams like this but take it as a blessing and let it make u stronger.

I was stuck in a verbally and at times physically abusive family. My brothers are Weird and constantly used to call me names and put me down out of jealousy and other reasons. My family is psychologically messed up. So I Left and it was the Absolute Best thing I ever did. Don't ever be fooled into thinking that u Need an Abuser. They will try and make u think u r crazy and that what they're doing to u is normal- but don't ever think that it is.

Verbal abuse is just as abusive as physical abuse at time's, just leave-from the sound of things, this fool is unlikely to change.

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Guest GuptKaur

Hi all thankyou so much for the replies.

I have contacted various people at different times and they all pretty much say leave him, which is very hard not only emotionally but logistically now. My mother knows what he is like somewhat but as long as he's paying the bills she thinks I should be doing more and more to keep him satisfied . Others I have told have heard his tales first and don't reply to me anymore. I just don't have strength to leave without any support - I know I should though. Even the other week he grabbed my throat and told me (again) if he didn't risk deportation by leaving that he would leave me. I can't just pack my things and leave - I have no where to go and it would just have a massive affect on everything.

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