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Stuck In A Terrible Marriage


Guest Gupt Kaur

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Guest GuptKaur

And so many people know through me telling 1-2 and it spreading but no one cares at all. Then he goes to a programme and afterwards when we are in the car he does a bangra dance because no one is questioning him or doubting him. I've even been dumped outside a (well known) Gurdwara by his friend (gursikh) with my belongings because of an argument that started when I didn't want to be intimate with my husband . In the end it was me who was dumped off and he was a king

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Two examples of inaction from Gursikhs (one male, one female) that I personally knew who were constantly told to "stick it out" in marriages that were doomed from the very beginning. The first, an in

Telling a woman to try harder to make her abusive husband change is the most idiotic and dangerous advice you could give. It is becuase of the advice of people like yourself that so many women and fam

I realise divorce is not an easy option. At the least, you should know that I'm here if you want to talk, and I don't live far away from you either if you want a "confidential" friend.

Hi all thankyou so much for the replies.

I have contacted various people at different times and they all pretty much say leave him, which is very hard not only emotionally but logistically now. My mother knows what he is like somewhat but as long as he's paying the bills she thinks I should be doing more and more to keep him satisfied . Others I have told have heard his tales first and don't reply to me anymore. I just don't have strength to leave without any support - I know I should though. Even the other week he grabbed my throat and told me (again) if he didn't risk deportation by leaving that he would leave me. I can't just pack my things and leave - I have no where to go and it would just have a massive affect on everything.

So don't you think he would leave you once he's got permanent status? This is the big question to ask yourself. If he's like this now, what do you expect afterwards? I think he's just waiting to get "pakka"

I don't know how the immigration thing works in UK, here in Canada, you can send a letter to immigration telling your story and they know what's happening in your case and can hold on to the status of the person involved. Police records, doctor's medical should be their to support you when it comes to immigration or if something unexpected happens.

Stay strong, do ardas. If possible gather courage and report to police for physical abuse. And you should keep your family doctor aware of whats happening with you emotionally and physically. I know it's realy hard, but what are you going to do if he leaves you after getting pakka, as he says.

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It seems like you're waiting for someone to come along and make the tough decisions only you can make. If what you're saying is true (and don't take that the wrong way, but I've been in a few situations where the innocent party was anything but innocent once the other side told their side of the story), what are you waiting for? I don't think your mother has the will to support you if the marriage ends. Your husband clearly thinks you don't have the stomach to do what needs to be done.

So, why not confound these people, stand on your own two feet, and regain a bit of respect? I can guarantee you that nobody will ride along for the rescue and make things any easier for you. That's not how these things work unfortunately.

You can wait for your husband to become a permanent resident OFF YOUR BACK, or you can spare yourself a lifetime of misery and regret, and bring this situation to an end.

LISTEN TO THIS GUY, OP!

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I am going to put a different opinion in to everyone else.

There is no doubt that your husband is not a good person at the moment. From the information you have given he doesn't have any interest in maintaining a good relationship and he clearly has no respect for you.

Everyone here is telling you to divorce. However, you gave your promise to Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji Maharaj that you would marry this person. Regardless of how bad the relationship is, your bachan to Guru Sahib still stands.

In the olden days, marriage for life meant marriage for life. You can go to the Panj Pyare to discuss marital issues, or talk to elders to help you work through issues, but you can't divorce. Maybe some people would in some cases consider it if there were Bujjar Kurehats or adultery involved, but that is the Panj Pyare's discretion.

Do more Paath and be strong. Don't cry and don't run away from the situation. If you have full faith in Guru Sahib, he will resolve your worldly affairs eventually. Do enough Bhagti and get enough spiritual power that eventually your husband has no choice but to respect you. From there, things can slowly improve.

I am sure the feminists and modern Sikhs will disagree, but a Khalsa never runs from their problems and I don't think you should run from this marriage. Stand strong and maybe he will change - maybe he won't but you'll have enough Kamai to be happy and improve your relationship with Maharaj.

Some of my daily job involves attempting to solve poorly functioning couples. You can work this out.

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I am going to put a different opinion in to everyone else.

There is no doubt that your husband is not a good person at the moment. From the information you have given he doesn't have any interest in maintaining a good relationship and he clearly has no respect for you.

Everyone here is telling you to divorce. However, you gave your promise to Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji Maharaj that you would marry this person. Regardless of how bad the relationship is, your bachan to Guru Sahib still stands.

In the olden days, marriage for life meant marriage for life. You can go to the Panj Pyare to discuss marital issues, or talk to elders to help you work through issues, but you can't divorce. Maybe some people would in some cases consider it if there were Bujjar Kurehats or adultery involved, but that is the Panj Pyare's discretion.

Do more Paath and be strong. Don't cry and don't run away from the situation. If you have full faith in Guru Sahib, he will resolve your worldly affairs eventually. Do enough Bhagti and get enough spiritual power that eventually your husband has no choice but to respect you. From there, things can slowly improve.

I am sure the feminists and modern Sikhs will disagree, but a Khalsa never runs from their problems and I don't think you should run from this marriage. Stand strong and maybe he will change - maybe he won't but you'll have enough Kamai to be happy and improve your relationship with Maharaj.

Some of my daily job involves attempting to solve poorly functioning couples. You can work this out.

What on earth are panj pyare or any elders going to do with a <banned word filter activated>? They cant enforce anyhing to stop him from physically abusing her. In our community people always say for one reason or another to not divorce, a couple years down the road the wife is dead, husband in jail. Youre also giving morons too much credit that they'll respect a person being immersed into bani, even gursikhs often dont respect a fellow gursikh.
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You've given me examples of 2 couples where you feel divorce was a better idea, I can give you dozens of examples of couples who divorced when things got tough when they could have worked things out.

Look a bit further into what the relationship problems are and in the majority they can be solved. Everyone wants to have a close and loving relationship with someone else, just when things go bad most people just don't know how to start to salvage or fix it. For example in this case, the husband is abusive and overtly dominating because there is massive underlying insecurity - if his wife can understand this a bit better and show him how the relationship could be if there was mutual affection and respect - which will feel much better to him than the satisfaction he currently gets from dominating his wife against her will - he will crave this and take steps to try and get that feeling again.

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Guest GuptKaur

Thankyou everyone ... You're right I want someone else to make the decision - that's why I'm stuck. If you take Sikhi away then I should leave him. But I'm Sikh. We are told again and again don't chase attachment and there isn't a divorce .... That's why I just don't know what to do.

Last night I had thought about the poster who said just do bhagti and carry on but then I questiined him over some money of my mothers - and instead of a simple reply he went mad. I again had to sleep on the floor because he physically pushed me away when I went to bed and I'm tired of it. He didn't eat his dinner because I made it, then tells his friends on the phone how bachara he is because he doesn't get dinner. Someone told me he had spread rumours about me (laying the foundation for the divorce when he gets pukka?) but couldn't even tell me what they were (I think it's pretty horrific) sometimes I just want to burst and expose everything ... I've never felt all this anger and pain before. It's not.a question of politely getting permission to go out, he actively bans it. He even walked into a kamai camp and made me leave, after getting there late because he tried his best to stop me going in the first place . Once I let it out though there isn't any going back ... And I'll be more alone. It isn't the culture to side with a woman , we are expected to discretely manage wayward husbands and there seems to be a badge of honour if you are quietly suffering - almost a pecking order of who is carrying the biggest burden. When you've looked into your husband eyes and he's screaming he hates you (because you found out somethung bad HE did) and that he going to take you to a pimp because that's all you're worth.... Is there any coming back from that?

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You've given me examples of 2 couples where you feel divorce was a better idea, I can give you dozens of examples of couples who divorced when things got tough when they could have worked things out.

Look a bit further into what the relationship problems are and in the majority they can be solved. Everyone wants to have a close and loving relationship with someone else, just when things go bad most people just don't know how to start to salvage or fix it. For example in this case, the husband is abusive and overtly dominating because there is massive underlying insecurity - if his wife can understand this a bit better and show him how the relationship could be if there was mutual affection and respect - which will feel much better to him than the satisfaction he currently gets from dominating his wife against her will - he will crave this and take steps to try and get that feeling again.

I'll keep this brief, as I haven't got time to spell out the finer details for someone who supposedly helps married couples in situations such as these.

There's a different between misunderstandings and crossed wires between a couple who are possibly too immature to reconcile without the help of a third party, and instances where someone has run off never to return, or somebody who is being verbally and physically abused by their partner and / or their mother in law.

If you can't see the difference between the two situations and, more worringly, you refuse to acknowledge there is a difference, then there's not much more I can say. Good luck to you.

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