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Marriage Fail - Taking Off Daastarran

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I am not making any negative statement against kaurs who wear daastar as my own singhni wears daastar. However, i am seeing the trend of people of my age who are going away from daastar after their marriage fails. I have lost the count of daastar bibian who once were forefront in running sikh camps etc and few of them i saw their marriages fail and somehow they start blaming sikhi for everything and quickly shuns the daastar and bombard their with tons of makeups etc.

Personally i never seen a sardar who shuns wearing turban after failed marriage but its different than bibian. I do know youth shuns turban/kesh when they start growing beard but thats different thing.

Anyone notice such thing?

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Can't say I have direct experience of this issue, but I can understand why it happens as you've described. I don't agree with it, but that's irrelevant.

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Marriage will not fail if Bibis follow instructions of Gurbani

ਕਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਅਖਰੁ ਕਵਣੁ ਗੁਣੁ ਕਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਮਣੀਆ ਮੰਤੁ ॥ ਕਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਵੇਸੋ ਹਉ ਕਰੀ ਜਿਤੁ ਵਸਿ ਆਵੈ ਕੰਤੁ ॥੧੨੬॥ ਨਿਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਅਖਰੁ ਖਵਣੁ ਗੁਣੁ ਜਿਹਬਾ ਮਣੀਆ ਮੰਤੁ ॥ ਏ ਤ੍ਰੈ ਭੈਣੇ ਵੇਸ ਕਰਿ ਤਾਂ ਵਸਿ ਆਵੀ ਕੰਤੁ ॥੧੨੭॥: Kavan su akhar kavan gun kavan su maneeaa mant. Kavan su veso haou karee jit vas aavai kant. Niwan su akhar khavan gun jihba maneeaa mant. Ye trai bhaine ves kar taa vas aavee kant ||127||: What is that word, what is that virtue, and what is that magic Mantra? What are those clothes, which I can wear to captivate my Husband Lord? ||126|| Humility is the word, forgiveness is the virtue, and sweet speech is the magic mantra. Wear these three robes, O sister, and you will captivate your Husband God ||127|| (sggs 1384).

ਭੇਖੀ ਪ੍ਰਭੂ ਨ ਲਭਈ ਵਿਣੁ ਸਚੀ ਸਿਖੰ ॥

Bẖekẖī parabẖū na labẖī viṇ sacẖī sikẖaʼn.

They wear religious robes, but without the True Teachings, God is not found.

ਪਰਮਾਤਮਾ ਭੇਖਾਂ ਦੀ ਰਾਹੀਂ ਨਹੀਂ ਲੱਭਦਾ, (ਗੁਰੂ ਦੇ) ਸੱਚੇ ਉਪਦੇਸ਼ ਤੋਂ ਬਿਨਾ ਨਹੀਂ ਮਿਲਦਾ।(SGGS jeeo - Ang1099)

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singhbj singh's advice is 100% correct.

We go into marriage thinking that we have arrived at our destination. We forget that we are actually going to face the greatest test of all. Our patience and all that we may have learnt in our parents house is going to be face a test. We sort of go into marriage thinking that we are very lucky to have a life partner and that everyone is going to be all praises for us and say waaah waaah what a beautiful well charactered girl.

Then reality bursts in. When you go in to live with a parvar whom you were thinking are pure Gurmukhs, day to day things start to challenge you.

You suddenly realise that these are just normal people just like you. You were expecting that some miracle is now going to happen and everyone will be supporting every thuoght and action of yours. No be ready to stand up for yourself.

The mother in law says things which are hurtful to you. Her son listens. You get hurt because you have left your family and come to join these people and your husband is now taking the side of his mother instead of your side. You have no one to turn to. Your mum says Beti - just keep going - it happens to everyone. ( Depending on their own experiences.)

Other mums will say - speak and stand for your rights. Show your husband your good side and tell him to stand by you.

The mum in law speaks openly and asks her son - well whose side would you take, my dear son? Remember your mum dies you aint going to get another. The wife dies its fine.

(These are real life instances)

The girl is confused and life gets tough.

You confide in your friends and they tell you - this is an abusive relationship. You are stuck for life. Walk out now and get your freedom.

However the Guru advises us to stay calm and to recite waheguru in your heart. You are like a rose among thorns. That is why it is called saure ghar. If you want to save your marriage you have to burn your ego and learn to humble yourself before your parvaar. Show your respect to your mum in law no matter what she says. (This is hard)

A marriage broke up because the mum in law accidentally split some wedding cake on her daughter in laws wedding lengha by mistake. The newly wed bride called her a B**** in front of everyone. The husband asked her to apologise and she refused. She said she did no wrong - shouldn't her mum in law apologise instead!!! The marriage broke up there and then.

A good mum will always advise her daughter to pray for the Guru's help when she is facing difficulties. These days however you get mums telling their daughters all sorts of trickery and other stuff. A good way to fail the marriage test. When the marriage fails then its all the in laws fault.

Well what to do if some people are bad - very bad indeed. This was a case of where the family practised black magic and they make the girls really ill. Some girls have to be rescued then by their mums - and of course married else where.

However there is so much deceit going on these days that marriage is a totally confusing game. My brother got stuck with a girl who asked him to get into contact with her boyfriends and he refused. She asked him to cut his hair too. He refused. When he reported her to her father - the father urged him to tell no one. The engagement had to be broken. This girl married to a guy who came home one day after an year and just died right there in front of her.

Thank God he never married her!!!

Sukhmani sahib rescued him and he now has a devoted girl who prays and also changed him to become prayerful.

Let us listen to the Guru's words if we want to have a succesful marriage at all. Very important. Have the mantra of waheguru on your lips so that you can be successful in all your tests. They will come. You cant avoid them.

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Lol and do the "mum in law" or "husband" have no responsibility? You guys act like its ALWAYS the wife who is wrong. To the two posters above. And lmao, you shouldnt have to respect your mother in law no matter what shee says :lol2:

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Come on Guys,

it's a simple case of Sikhi kehnouna saukhi aa , kamouni aukhi aa.... some points:

1. unrealistic expectations put in unmarried girls head by parents :

A: after marriage you'll be free to do as you like ... no after marriage you will have double the number of elders to put their advice forward on how you should be.

B: when you get married that partner will make a real effort to get to know you and support you , 8 times out of 10 he won't bother if he can get away with it (path of least resistance and all that)

C: The love and sewa you give will be appreciated by your in-laws and they in turn will love you as their own beti , most bibian I know including myself just get tolerated and our giving never lessens only increases over the years

D: Once you have Kids that will help solidify the marriage, that old chestnut has probably stressed out more marriages than anything else...if you are gonna spend life together make sure you are both at the same page.

2. Unrealistic expectations put in new sikhs heads

A: amrit shak ke you will be unwavering in your faith , everyone has ups and down in their minds you just have to learn to accept that is the nature of life and carry on

B: A Dastar will earn you respect from people , maybe some but not all, as it may remind them of their own lack and that may trigger lashing out

C: Apney will understand support you, truth is if people are Punjabi first , no they will try to undermine you at every turn (even know one Singhni whose MIL was dastar wali too but was very against her doing her nitnem and wearing dastar

D: As soon as you have amrit it will be so much easier to achieve spiritually , yes the road is less ardous because it is straighter but the effort and focus that is needed is more demanding on you at all times .

Marriage is not the destination is the start of a new chapter of life just as much as becoming Amritdhari is not...but people get misguided and think well I'm putting effort in but no fruit yet , or in this case the fruit is less than desirable and give up ...in both cases I would say you have to consider that the old business has to be dealt with i.e. Karma then you will be free .We have the friends and families we have because of picchle lehne dehne just roll with it and when you get rough treatment pray for sabar and santokh and keep doing your best 'bure da bhale kar , gussa man na hundiay' as Gurbani advises. Look I know I am not a good person and outsiders get haraan about the nonsense I have put up with from my in-laws but if I behaved as they did where would my sikhi disappear to ? They may be stuck in the games that maya plays but that is their karam , I pray that they find the truth, happiness and not disturb my family's sikhi but I leave it to Guru ji to do the shifting of minds and hearts as My years of open-hearted sewa hasnt' moved anything along .

Sure you have days you question why but then it passes when your kids give you the answer ...twenty years on ...it is still hard work but this is life , not a bollywood fantasy.

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Lol and do the "mum in law" or "husband" have no responsibility? You guys act like its ALWAYS the wife who is wrong. To the two posters above. And lmao, you shouldnt have to respect your mother in law no matter what shee says :lol2:

don't worry go according to rehit and Guru ji's hukham to understand what's in front of you ...I didn't give it a second thought when my Saas called us down at 2 in the morning and started bawling her eyes out because my hubby's dharda was parkash and full length and he had his full kesh on his head , that my three boys according to her were being treated unfairly because they had their kesh too . SOme things you just have to say ' Mum you want a cup of tea and a tissue ? No OK I'm going to bed then the kids got school tomorrow ' to.

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Life is a one long/short journey depending on how long one lives. This journey is also full of tests. Why should one think that they have arrived at their 'destination' just because they are married? What is it about 'marriage' that gives one that idea? It is never a 'destination' nor is anything else for that matter! We only have one destination and that is when we have merged with God, never before. You could say, marriage is a milestone in one's life but not a destination. We don't ever go into a marriage thinking we will get praises nor do we go into a marriage to apply all the knowledge that we have gained at our parents' home. Why should anyone in their right mind think that they are lucky just because they are married and have a life partner? Why would a 'gurmukh parvar' behave in such a way as to upset others? Gurmat doesn't teach us to behave in hurtful manner towards others, so, why would they behave in such a way to hurt their daughte in law?

"However the Guru advises us to stay calm and to recite waheguru in your heart. You are like a rose among thorns. That is why it is called saure ghar. If you want to save your marriage you have to burn your ego and learn to humble yourself before your parvaar. Show your respect to your mum in law no matter what she says. (This is hard)"

Absolutely, but Guru Sahibaan also tells us to take a stand against 'unrighteousness' don't ever ignore it. What is wrong is wrong. If others do wrong unto you, their wrong deed does not become right just because you choose to ignore it or tolerate it!! You will definitely turn into a rose if you keep tolerating others wrongful conduct towards you without taking any action but there is a difference between a fragrant rose and a non fragrant one. If you wish to turn into an unfragrant one who is always feeling bitter, angry and sorry for youself, then go ahead and be one. You are a human being just like the members of your 'saure ghar.' Why should you be the one to burn your ego? Have the members of your 'saure ghar' managed to do the same so that you have to follow suite? It's a virtue to be humble but like everything else, this also has limits. One can only take something up to a certain point. There is a limit to everything in this worl of ours'.

I sometimes wonder, is the institution of marriage absolutely necessary in this day and age,seeing it inflicts so much pain on those involved? I don't understand all this.

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don't worry go according to rehit and Guru ji's hukham to understand what's in front of you ...I didn't give it a second thought when my Saas called us down at 2 in the morning and started bawling her eyes out because my hubby's dharda was parkash and full length and he had his full kesh on his head , that my three boys according to her were being treated unfairly because they had their kesh too . SOme things you just have to say ' Mum you want a cup of tea and a tissue ? No OK I'm going to bed then the kids got school tomorrow ' to.

I didn't quite understand why did your saas call you down at 2 am? Does she wake up at Amrit wela? I am not sure why would she wake you all up at that time of the morning. Sorry.

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I am not making any negative statement against kaurs who wear daastar as my own singhni wears daastar. However, i am seeing the trend of people of my age who are going away from daastar after their marriage fails. I have lost the count of daastar bibian who once were forefront in running sikh camps etc and few of them i saw their marriages fail and somehow they start blaming sikhi for everything and quickly shuns the daastar and bombard their with tons of makeups etc.

Personally i never seen a sardar who shuns wearing turban after failed marriage but its different than bibian. I do know youth shuns turban/kesh when they start growing beard but thats different thing.

Anyone notice such thing?

Why would anyone take their marriage failure out on a dastar, is beyond me. Do they blame their dastars for their marriage failure, I am puzzled.

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Why would anyone take their marriage failure out on a dastar, is beyond me. Do they blame their dastars for their marriage failure, I am puzzled.

this act of discarding the dastaar by the female is a rather telling look into the minds of the girls who do this, and how they generally perceive Sikhi. Whether they act like this knowingly or not is up for debate.

My theory is that when something like this occurs, the girl or woman is making a statement which says, "I relinquish this symbol of masculinity; the same masculinity that I hold responsible for the end of my marriage." It's an act of rebellion or something done out of anger to "hurt" the faceless and nameless Sikh male collective IMO.

Of course, it unwittingly exposes the fact that the female was wearing a dastaar and following Sikhi for all the wrong reasons. That's the biggest tragedy, I.E. she fails to realise the dastaar has nothing to do with her woes. It's similar to when western women undergo a relationship breakup, and they get a new hairdo or change something about their appearance in a drastic manner in order to symbolise a new beginning by discarding the remnants of their past.

Quite sad that Sikhi is viewed as an accessory or something to be jettisoned when things turn sour, when it's nothing of the sort.

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this act of discarding the dastaar by the female is a rather telling look into the minds of the girls who do this, and how they generally perceive Sikhi. Whether they act like this knowingly or not is up for debate.

My theory is that when something like this occurs, the girl or woman is making a statement which says, "I relinquish this symbol of masculinity; the same masculinity that I hold responsible for the end of my marriage." It's an act of rebellion or something done out of anger to "hurt" the faceless and nameless Sikh male collective IMO.

Of course, it unwittingly exposes the fact that the female was wearing a dastaar and following Sikhi for all the wrong reasons. That's the biggest tragedy, I.E. she fails to realise the dastaar has nothing to do with her woes. It's similar to when western women undergo a relationship breakup, and they get a new hairdo or change something about their appearance in a drastic manner in order to symbolise a new beginning by discarding the remnants of their past.

Quite sad that Sikhi is viewed as an accessory or something to be jettisoned when things turn sour, when it's nothing of the sort.

Oh my god! I have never ever in my life interpreted my dastar as a symbol of 'masculinity' ever! It is definitely a symbol of something but not of masculinity, never!

My dastar is a symbol of humility, surrender, discipline, reminder of Vaheguru, love for the Guru and many more Sikhi things, but never of masculinity. My dastar is my spiritual identity meaning it reminds me that I am not just skin and bones but I also have another dimension which I have to explore and experience while in this cage.

I am very new to this religion but I can assure you, I have totally and completely fallen in love with it and there is nothing else left for me. I have no more words to explain how I feel about this religion, they just fail me.

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Oh my god! I have never ever in my life interpreted my dastar as a symbol of 'masculinity' ever! It is definitely a symbol of something but not of masculinity, never!

That's great for you. I was just positing a possible theory based on my experience of certain female minds, heh.

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That's great for you. I was just positing a possible theory based on my experience of certain female minds, heh.

Go ahead, I would like to hear what is your 'possible theory' regarding this matter. It would be interesting to know why these women behave like this.

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