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On 16/08/2015 at 3:25 PM, Balkaar said:

Open question, is it possible to have an Anand Karaj without signing a marriage contract or having a government registrar present?

That sounds like the ideal to me. Your marriage is sanctified by your Guru, and you aren't subject to the anti-male legal clauses of marriage should you choose to divorce later on.

Honestly though, I'm a bit flabbergasted that men continue to get hitched when they know that there is a 50% chance that they will eventually get divorced and lose their kids and half their junk. If you were skydiving and you were told that there was a 50% chance your parachute wouldn't open, would you take the jump?

err...what you are proposing is what the scumbag musalleh do ...don't go there ...Don't get married unless you are fully in that's just disrespectful to do otherwise . If you are in Uk and the west you have something called a common law wife and she will have similar rights to legally married women especially if kids are involved . In our people the women are also used so don't make it a one-sided thing , the punjabiat daaj eating machine is in full flow everywhere.

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Guest Sangat please advise

Thank you mister Singh (your posts are some of my favs so I was hoping u might see this).

Brother it's been about 18months and there are bad episodes every single month from the Mrs. Dont want to hurt her by leaving her but the concept of depression is alien to me. I really don't feel i can continue live the rest of my life like this.

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On 25/10/2015 at 0:45 AM, Guest Surinder Kaur said:

Maybe prenuptial agreements is the answer for the Sikh community. I certainly will be suggesting this to my daughters before they marry as they will have property in their own names before they get married and will need to protect their interests should the unimaginable happen.. My son too of course......

So sad to hear men also be so negative about marriages. I thought it was just women that spoke like that. Nevertheless guys you do need to acknowledge that the majority of break ups are caused by Unreasonable behaviour from the male spouses which is why its almost always the women who are initiating the divorce and bearing the brunt of the legal costs. Men have a misconception that women largely take great pleasure in the divorce process and look forward to a single life but you are so wrong.....ask any guy who has had to endure the torture of supporting his sister to divorce her husband of 23 years after he was caught having extra marital affairs by his teenage children. Ask my brother.

Ask any single woman if she enjoys being a single parent and having no adult companionship to share her woes with.....its the hardest mountain to climb and the most courageous thing to do.

In the Uk a property owned BEFORE the advent of a marriage belongs to the party who owned it it does not become community property . NEVER advise your daughter to buy any property in her name whilst newly married before kids because my friend had the sad experience of having all her savings in the form of her property eaten by her newly arrived husband . Also alimony is paid to the partner irrespective to sex , so she also had to pay him alimony to keep him in the manner to which he was accustomed (this doesn't automatically mean 50 percent of evrything can be more). 
Nobody wants to have a broken home and the kids suffering , it is very very hard for a single woman to bring up kids on average 30% less pay ...with minimal help from family if they blame her , which can happen. I'm sorry for your loss

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Guest Sangat please advise

Thank you JKV I was hoping you could advise too as another one whose posts I really respect.

Borderline as in borderline personality disorder in wife.

Thank you

(Extreme but "regular" histrionic episodes I meant above btw)

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On 16/08/2015 at 4:18 PM, MisterrSingh said:

There's something similar in Sharia that's getting some bad press lately. Apparently, it's possible for a Muslim male to divorce his wife - from a religious Islamic perspective - by saying talaaq three times (not all at once; some guys use the first utterance of the word as a warning to the wife to buck up her ideas. The third time is supposedly the clincher), as long as the nikaah hasn't been registered legally of course. The system is open to abuse as has been evidenced by a few instances where the wife has gone to a Sharia hearing for a ruling from an Islamic scholar, in which instance the feeling is that the judgement almost always emerges in favour of the guy.

Invariably, there's a few Muslim feminist types that have brought this to the attention of the western media with the obvious response being how despicably misogynistic the whole thing is for the wife. The last time I heard there may have been a legal ruling in the UK that insisted Islamic marriages must be registered, I could be wrong though.

a guy can divorce like that but the musilmah cannot she has to go to sharia court who deem her children automatically as the property of the father ...like most things it is very lopsided in favour of the guys .

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3 hours ago, Guest Sangat please advise said:

Thank you JKV I was hoping you could advise too as another one whose posts I really respect.

Borderline as in borderline personality disorder in wife.

Thank you

(Extreme but "regular" histrionic episodes I meant above btw)

Hmm Ok let's try to eliminate possible causes - financial problems (number one cause of marital problems)

                                                                   perceived lack of freedom (stuck in home, especially worse for ex-career girls )

                                                                   physical  - some women get extreme hormone swings (no jokes please) which can make them depressed, aggressive, suicidal even homicidal it could be that she needs medical assessment if as you say it is a regular thing . In this case , it really could be beyond her control . Apnian bibian do have major hormone issues here in the west because of :1. lack of sunlight 2. additives in foods which are xenoestrogens causing weightgain and abnormal facial hair.

                                                                  lack of parental guidance leading to unrealistic view of married life - frustration

                                                                  lack of communication leading to feeling of not being heard / cared about 

remember it is really hard going for a bibi to give up everything familiar and move away, lose her old id, adjust to family politics of a strange new family..etc etc ...I don't know how long you've been married but some girls need extra support and hand holding through the early years . You should try to make time to be with her and understand/listen to her it is not time wasted but time invested, which will pay off either in clearing up misunderstanding between you or for you to see if she is being unreasonable .

What does she mainly get upset about , is it the same thing/s ? 

Do you guys go out , to break up the whole day in day out routine at all ... it could alleviate a lot of built up tension , don't have to spend loads of money go to exhibitions, concerts which are free, go Gurdwara , i.e. socialise with people apart from your family group. Visit her folks if possible , some girls get homesick (yeah surprising huh) but don't feel like they can say anything because it could be misconstrued as being NOT happy in her new home. Take that pressure off her and suggest a visit ., I do it for my hubby because his folks live abroad and he feels guilty that way too if he suggests ... it cuts both ways  

 

 

 

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Guest Sangat please advise

Thank you so much JKV for taking your time to help advise.

Well she has a good job, earns good money, a strong bank balance and has full freedom to leave the house to work or do whatever.

She does suffer from PMS related depression and mood swings which fair enough is hormonal but the more troubling behavior is the borderline personality disorder.

We talk daily but she feels chronic emptiness, loneliness, clingy but then cuts me down with barbs which cause distance after her outbursts. One minute i am the best and then I am the worst despicable husband in her imagination over perceived slights always turning a molehill into a mountain.

She feels that whenever a woman asks a man must deliver in the bedroom daily regardless of whether the man is on the same page at that time or not.

She is not interested in visiting family as it will cost her in earnings.

18 months married. Runs down my parents even though we live in another city. Claims in her episodes that I am the most evil person on earth and will just trip on any small issue she can imagine in her mind. 

 

 

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21 hours ago, Guest Sangat please advise said:

Thank you so much JKV for taking your time to help advise.

Well she has a good job, earns good money, a strong bank balance and has full freedom to leave the house to work or do whatever.

She does suffer from PMS related depression and mood swings which fair enough is hormonal but the more troubling behavior is the borderline personality disorder.

We talk daily but she feels chronic emptiness, loneliness, clingy but then cuts me down with barbs which cause distance after her outbursts. One minute i am the best and then I am the worst despicable husband in her imagination over perceived slights always turning a molehill into a mountain.

She feels that whenever a woman asks a man must deliver in the bedroom daily regardless of whether the man is on the same page at that time or not.

She is not interested in visiting family as it will cost her in earnings.

18 months married. Runs down my parents even though we live in another city. Claims in her episodes that I am the most evil person on earth and will just trip on any small issue she can imagine in her mind. 

 

 

you keep saying BPD , but it seems that it is not an official assessed diagnosis... please be her friend and persuade her to visit her GP to get checked out including the PMS . Get her to start taking vitamin B complex especially B3 immediately because the lack of B3 you can become subject to  extreme psychological stress , aggressive outbursts , insomnia/sleep disturbance, worsening of PMS and depression . I hear extreme self-esteem issues and compensating by being controlling stemming from blood chemistry faults

 

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