Sikh Male - Made Mistakes While Younger

[Guest Saddity]

hi all

I am a Canadian keshdhari (not amritdhari) Sikh guy who didn't really understand Sikhi on a deeper level prior to recently. I kept the look but didn't know much. This summer I made a point to learn as much as I could and I have been feeling guilty since.

Last year I dated a girl (not Sikh) and while it wasn't based around lust (she was a great person, humanitarian) I feel terrible about things that happened. We did not have sex, but we were intimate and very close with each other physically. I no longer associate with this girl in this manner, and just have an occasional short platonic conversation.

I've come to the point in my life where I regret this now. I want to find a Sikh partner for my life, but I feel I will be looked down at due to this area of my life. I feel that when girls find out I had a relationship in the past they will throw me to the side and I don't want to lie to them or hide it. At the same time I would prefer to end up with someone who hasn't had sexual relations in the past.... but I don't know if I can even expect that now

All in all I feel bad, but have learned from my experience. I will not date anyone until marriage. I just fear for how I should handle situations with Sikh women I meet in the future. Any thoughts from older/wiser individuals appreciated

thank you

[Guest Jacfsing2]

hi all

I am a Canadian keshdhari (not amritdhari) Sikh guy who didn't really understand Sikhi on a deeper level prior to recently. I kept the look but didn't know much. This summer I made a point to learn as much as I could and I have been feeling guilty since.

Last year I dated a girl (not Sikh) and while it wasn't based around lust (she was a great person, humanitarian) I feel terrible about things that happened. We did not have sex, but we were intimate and very close with each other physically. I no longer associate with this girl in this manner, and just have an occasional short platonic conversation.

I've come to the point in my life where I regret this now. I want to find a Sikh partner for my life, but I feel I will be looked down at due to this area of my life. I feel that when girls find out I had a relationship in the past they will throw me to the side and I don't want to lie to them or hide it. At the same time I would prefer to end up with someone who hasn't had sexual relations in the past.... but I don't know if I can even expect that now

All in all I feel bad, but have learned from my experience. I will not date anyone until marriage. I just fear for how I should handle situations with Sikh women I meet in the future. Any thoughts from older/wiser individuals appreciated

thank you

You should always be honest with all those around you; however, even if(don't know about your situation with Guru Sahib,) Guru Sahib has forgave you for this you'll still have to pay a form of debt, "Karmi apo apni, key narai kay door" Japji Sahib. "Based on their actions, some come closer to Him and some further" That being said you must try living a better life to honor Guru Sahib, ਸੋਰਠਿ ਮਹਲਾ ੧ ਘਰੁ ੧ ॥

Sorath Mehalaa 1 Ghar 1 ||

सोरठि महला १ घरु १ ॥

Sorat'h, First Mehl, First House:

26061 ਪੰ. ੧੦

ਮਨੁ ਹਾਲੀ ਕਿਰਸਾਣੀ ਕਰਣੀ ਸਰਮੁ ਪਾਣੀ ਤਨੁ ਖੇਤੁ ॥

Man Haalee Kirasaanee Karanee Saram Paanee Than Khaeth ||

मनु हाली किरसाणी करणी सरमु पाणी तनु खेतु ॥

Make your mind the farmer, good deeds the farm, modesty the water, and your body the field.

26062 ਸੋਰਠਿ (ਮ: ੧) ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੫੯੫ ਪੰ. ੧੦

ਨਾਮੁ ਬੀਜੁ ਸੰਤੋਖੁ ਸੁਹਾਗਾ ਰਖੁ ਗਰੀਬੀ ਵੇਸੁ ॥

Naam Beej Santhokh Suhaagaa Rakh Gareebee Vaes ||

नामु बीजु संतोखु सुहागा रखु गरीबी वेसु ॥

Let the Lord's Name be the seed, contentment the plow, and your humble dress the fence.

26063 ਸੋਰਠਿ (ਮ: ੧) ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੫੯੫ ਪੰ. ੧੦

ਭਾਉ ਕਰਮ ਕਰਿ ਜੰਮਸੀ ਸੇ ਘਰ ਭਾਗਠ ਦੇਖੁ ॥੧॥

Bhaao Karam Kar Janmasee Sae Ghar Bhaagath Dhaekh ||1||

भाउ करम करि जमसी से घर भागठ देखु ॥१॥

Doing deeds of love, the seed shall sprout, and you shall see your home flourish. ||1||

26064 ਸੋਰਠਿ (ਮ: ੧) ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੫੯੫ ਪੰ. ੧੧

ਬਾਬਾ ਮਾਇਆ ਸਾਥਿ ਨ ਹੋਇ ॥

Baabaa Maaeiaa Saathh N Hoe ||

बाबा माइआ साथि न होइ ॥

O Baba, the wealth of Maya does not go with anyone.

26065 ਸੋਰਠਿ (ਮ: ੧) ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੫੯੫ ਪੰ. ੧੧

ਇਨਿ ਮਾਇਆ ਜਗੁ ਮੋਹਿਆ ਵਿਰਲਾ ਬੂਝੈ ਕੋਇ ॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥

Ein Maaeiaa Jag Mohiaa Viralaa Boojhai Koe || Rehaao ||

इनि माइआ जगु मोहिआ विरला बूझै कोइ ॥ रहाउ ॥

This Maya has bewitched the world, but only a rare few understand this. ||Pause||

26066 ਸੋਰਠਿ (ਮ: ੧) ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੫੯੫ ਪੰ. ੧੨

ਹਾਣੁ ਹਟੁ ਕਰਿ ਆਰਜਾ ਸਚੁ ਨਾਮੁ ਕਰਿ ਵਥੁ ॥

Haan Hatt Kar Aarajaa Sach Naam Kar Vathh ||

हाणु हटु करि आरजा सचु नामु करि वथु ॥

Make your ever-decreasing life your shop, and make the Lord's Name your merchandise." (I don't know how old you are or if this advice will help you). You should be willing to accept Hukam as whatever Guru Sahib wants to give you, you will get.

[MisterrSingh]

I've come to the point in my life where I regret this now. I want to find a Sikh partner for my life, but I feel I will be looked down at due to this area of my life. I feel that when girls find out I had a relationship in the past they will throw me to the side and I don't want to lie to them or hide it. At the same time I would prefer to end up with someone who hasn't had sexual relations in the past.... but I don't know if I can even expect that now

All in all I feel bad, but have learned from my experience. I will not date anyone until marriage. I just fear for how I should handle situations with Sikh women I meet in the future. Any thoughts from older/wiser individuals appreciated

thank you

Unless you're planning to walk around with a sign around your neck which reads, "I fiddled around with a member of the opposite sex" for the rest of your life, I don't think you should stress too much.

Honesty is always preferable, but there's being too honest, and that usually ends up creating more problems than it solves.

You clearly feel contrite and are sincere with your regret, so don't beat yourself up about it. If there's a deeper reason for your apparent remorse, I.E. it's dawned on you that, as a form of divine "punishment" from God, you will end up marrying somebody who also has a few sordid secrets tucked away, that's a whole different kettle of fish and something you need to come to terms with as you get older. You've had your cake and eaten it, but now you're worried someone will have had a nibble on the slice of cake that was meant for you... or something like that, I'm getting my metaphors mixed up.

As long as you endeavour to not make similar mistakes in the future, there is nothing else much for you to do.

Finally, as you grow older you'll realise life is not fair. Bad things happens to good people, and great things happen to terrible people too. That should be some consolation for you if you're worried about the future. You may be one of the lucky ones... from a certain perspective at least.

[Singhni MiriPiri]

Unless you're planning to walk around with a sign around your neck which reads, "I fiddled around with a member of the opposite sex" for the rest of your life, I don't think you should stress too much.

Honesty is always preferable, but there's being too honest, and that usually ends up creating more problems than it solves.

He should let any potential partner know about his past before marriage, otherwise it can create more problems after.

[Balkaar]

All in all I feel bad, but have learned from my experience. I will not date anyone until marriage. I just fear for how I should handle situations with Sikh women I meet in the future. Any thoughts from older/wiser individuals appreciated

I don't know that I can claim to be wiser, but as you haven't stated your age we can retain the possibility that I might be older.

Most non-Sikhs (and regrettably, a lot of Sikhs) lose their virginity quite early on, yet this doesn't impede their ability to find a life partner in the slightest. I don't see why it should hamper you either veerji. When we speak of good Sikhnis, we don't mean women who wear keskis and keep the rehat. A true Singhni is an embodiment of Guru Sahib's five prescribed virtues, one of which is Daya, or compassion. If a woman in a turban refuses to forgive you for a mistake committed in the turbulent and unthinking days of your youth, then she's no real Gursikhni, only a unsympathetic woman wearing a turban.

Your original post gave me the impression that you had very strong feelings for this girl, possibly even loved her. Most people know what it is to be passionately in love with someone else brother, to be a thrall to emotions that can overwhelm all the powers of reason and judgement and make us do things which we may possibly regret. Chances are, if you honestly admit to it, most women will completely understand. They might themselves admit to something similar. Who knows, they may even find you more charming because of it.

All the best.

[Guest Jacfsing2]

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[Balkaar]

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Sorry veer, replied to this thread by accident. I may eventually furnish that empty post with some sentences.

[Singhni MiriPiri]

I don't know that I can claim to be wiser, but as you haven't stated your age we can retain the possibility that I might be older.

Most non-Sikhs (and regrettably, a lot of Sikhs) lose their virginity quite early on, yet this doesn't impede their ability to find a life partner in the slightest. I don't see why it should hamper you either veerji. When we speak of good Sikhnis, we don't mean women who wear keskis and keep the rehat. A true Singhni is an embodiment of Guru Sahib's five prescribed virtues, one of which is Daya, or compassion. If a woman in a turban refuses to forgive you for a mistake committed in the turbulent and unthinking days of your youth, then she's no real Gursikhni, only a unsympathetic woman wearing a turban.

Your original post gave me the impression that you had very strong feelings for this girl, possibly even loved her. Most people know what it is to be passionately in love with someone else brother, to be a thrall to emotions that can overwhelm all the powers of reason and judgement and make us do things which we may possibly regret. Chances are, if you honestly admit to it, most women will completely understand. They might themselves admit to something similar. Who knows, they may even find you more charming because of it.

All the best.

I agree with everything you've said except for the last bit in bold. That's a very strange thing to say.

[Balkaar]

I agree with everything you've said except for the last bit in bold. That's a very strange thing to say.

That comment was meant to be lighthearted, incidental to the rest of the post. I sense an explanation is in order of the foundation upon which it rests.

Basically bhenji, there are some women who like to know that a bloke has a romantic history, a backstory. Makes him a little more appealing to them. Unfortunately, immaculate virginity, which is considered an appealing and desired trait in a woman, carries a bit of a stigma for the male in our society. That's not an opinion of mine, it's just a sad truth of the West.

[MisterrSingh]

He should let any potential partner know about his past before marriage, otherwise it can create more problems after.

In principle I wholeheartedly agree with you. In practice I think it depends on a couple of factors. However, from a purely Sikh perspective (in terms of a marriage where both guy and girl have been introduced to each other by a third party) complete transparency is the only choice. If one side is labouring under the mistaken assumption that the other has not partaken in full intercourse, then that's a complete no-no as far as I'm concerned.

In terms of the OP where it seemed like a slap-and-tickle situation (without wishing to get too explicit) I feel there's some leeway to be had.

The main factor I alluded to earlier that determines if to disclose past situations that don't involve full intercourse, but do include sexual activity of various sorts: 1. Maturity of the guy and girl in question.

IMO, if it's made clear "something" happened during youth or in the past (that wasn't part of a regular lifestyle of dating and promiscuity), if a person feels their partner is mature enough to handle those revelations, then by all means disclose what occurred.

On the other hand if such information will act as a barrier to cause mistrust and double-guessing between the guy and the girl - and as long as it was a one-off and wasn't part of a heady lifestyle of debauchery - I'd elect to keep that particular mistake under wraps. There's no point in raking up the past if it's firmly behind you.

But, as I said, if you've copped off with someone, then no matter how sorry you are or how long ago it was, in a Sikh arranged marriage situation, if your partner asks you straight, just tell them the truth.