Pregnant & Unsure What To Do

[Guest GuptKaur]

Vjkk vjkf

I'm going to keep this short as I'm out and my battery is dying ...in a nutshell I am in a terrible marriage (I have posted before) and have been considering divorce. He is just a very sadistic man to say the least. I have however just found out I am pregnant. I am too scared even to tell him - he already accuses me of ruining his life and has said if this does happen I have to have an abortion. So now I'm faced with some tough choices... Keep quiet and hope he finds out when it's too late, tell him and see his reaction (I am 99% sure he will say what he originally has said) or leave him now and keep my child. All options are terrifying- I have no option that will have a good ending. If he makes me do it, I cannot stay with him... So it makes me wonder if I should get out ? But then raising a child completely alone ??? I am already divorced with a child and I just can't face it all again....

[Guest singhni no to abuse]

Ive presumed ur in uk if ur not then check online for you countries helplines. If you are going to be abused and or there is a threat to you or your child then you need to call the police. If you simply need assistance in leaving but worried about where you can stay then call sikh helpline for advice. Or contact 24-hour National Domestic Violence 0808 2000 247 for advice and assistance or social services.you have options even if you just log a call it means people are aware of you.

Is there no mutual family member you can talk to? Or can get to talk to him?

If you in need or support yourself then and have issues with this man then it ist a good place to bring a child. You have a responsbility as a parent towards you children. If you need to to move out ti a safe place and get some time and space tempoarily while you think things thru i can assist (in the uk). If u make an account a post here if it is case.

[Guest PunjabiMunda]

Call the police, call your parents and friends. Find a way to get protection away from him. Keep calm.

[buddasingh 209]

The best advise is in the posts above.

I will add that you need to look after your emotional and mental state as well. You say you have no option that will have a good ending.Time is not going to take you backwards. You will move forward. In doing so, change your language and you will change your ending.

Your options are tough and your path is tough, but you will have a good ending because you are strong. You say you already have a child. That bond is a far cry from "divorced". It's your responsibility to be strong and you have the capacity. Whatever you do, be positive. It will help you.

It is arguable to what extent a mans opinion matters in any situation. However, if a man dictates to you that you MUST have an abortion if you get pregnant with his child, then that man has NO opinion that needs to be considered. Do what is right for you.

[k1968 13]

keep your child don't tell him. Do not even think about abortion. Get help from sikh help line or from police

[Guest Singh]

Don't get an abortion, it is something you will have to live with the rest of your life and it will eat you alive. I have no respect for any guy that tells his wife to get an abortion. I would leave him, sometimes it seems hard but in the long run you will be better off emotionally. Raising kids on your own is difficult but I doubt he will help out raising the child if you stay with him. I have a cousin who was in an abusive relationship and after giving her husband several chances to change he didn't. In the end she left with her kids and is way better off. She started doing path and listening to kirtan and is a lot happier than she was before.

[Guest GuptKaur]

So many different answers ...

I told him and he reacted as expected (told me to get rid of it then turned his back on me) but later turned around and said he was happy and I could keep it. But his actions are quite different - he is keen for me to return to study after 2.5 months so I'm working/earning ASAP and even turned to me and said we didn't need to bother buying a car seat as in India they don't (???!!!) I'm utterly clueless and exhausted. There is no joy with him, just business like always. I've done this alone before and I just can't face it alone again, nor can I gave it with him (my ex husband made me miss midwife appointments as he deemed it unessesary and my husbands attitude now is worse than that). If I even look at him he says to me "what is your problem". Is that loving father material? I feel sick that I ever married him....

[simran345 2,500]

Which country are you in Guptkaur ji? The only reason he is doing this as he thinks he can get away with it and he thinks you are not going to get any help. If somehow you can show him, that you do have support then it will contribute towards changing his way of thinking.

If you are abroad, there are avenues for help and also help you decide what to do in your situation. Have you tried approaching your doctor?

[Guest GuptKaur]

He won't change - people have tried but he is a step ahead or blames me. We live in the middle of nowhere now in England so I'm hidden away. He has too much ego to listen to anyone - he has laid a big foundation to blame me for everything (when friends come I have to go upstairs incase they flirt (his words) but in reality he tells them how bad I am that I'm not making tea etc. I live in a warped game where every step is wrong - I can't go against my husband but I know it's shattering all my respect and my life. If I leave then I'm the "ungrateful dirty wife who ran away"... I just feel so so alone. My Sangat has gone ...Everythings gone. I had to call the police once because he was telling me he was gojng to kill me and was twisting my neck etc but I backed out of making a statement , but I've been punished even for that. He tells me how bad I am having him arrested. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore

[Guest Guest]

We are both amritdhari but he's really anti gurmat. He always says we should start drinking (he has layer the foundation by waiting for me to do something big and then he will drink and blame me - after he was arrested he said he planned to start drinking after leaving the police station, but I got him released and didn't leave him so he didn't) . He pulls my hair out sometimes or has even removed my Kirpan saying I'm not Sikh as I'm not from punjab. I don't have anywhere to turn anymore

[simran345 2,500]

Sorry to hear this Guptkaur penji. If he won't Change then change yourself. The Gurus gave women equal rights and as an Amritdhari he should know this also.

I'm no marriage expert but I will give my opnion only. There is a difference between respecting somebody and receiving domestic abuse.

He's not a step ahead, he's taking advantage of the fact that you have already been divorced and have children, which you are also going along with, making you weaker.

You are in England, so you have networks from where you can get support from. You are not "ungrateful dirty wife who ran away". Don't think like that. You have got so used to his ways, that you are accepting it as norm now but are also hurting as you know it's wrong.

You do know what is right and wrong but you have become entangled in this situation that you think you can't get out of now.

He has weaknesses which he is taking out on you. That is wrong. You should defend yourself, a marriage takes two to work at not just one doing the ordering. You should have left him at the station, would have made him think for a bit.

Who pays for the household maintenance ? If you do too then make him aware of that, stand up to him and make him realise you also pay for things. Which country is he from?

What are you waiting for to happen? Think about your unborn child, think about your other children, how is it affecting them. Think about yourself.

If you are not able to talk to your doctor, Contact any of the below for guidance, they may be able to help.

http://www.kaurscorner.com

http://www.sikhhelpline.com

http://www.southallblacksisters.org.uk

http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk

You are not alone. Waheguru is always with every soul.

[Guest Akaal]

Bhenji,

This guy sounds like a psycho. You've got to get away from him in the long run otherwise he will mess you up.

Others have given good advice. First things first: Don't even think about an abortion. Your child is a gift from Waheguru Ji. Everyone has said keep your baby except one muslim on the previous page.

He acts with impunity because he has got you trapped. He has no fear because he knows he controls you know because there's no-one you can turn to. And it seems like he has deliberately created this situation.

But that's no excuse for the sick mind games he's playing with you. That's just plain cruel.

And now that you say he's anti gurmat, he is encouraging you to drink alcohol, and he wants to start drinking himself: it's clear that he turned his back on Guru Ji long ago.

That's the way he wants to go so let him. Just get well away from him before he tries to do the same to you.

Please don't try to stand in his way. He will only drag you down with him.

You will have to plan your exit. It has to be done carefully. You can't give him any idea you are leaving him or where you are going and you mustn't give him any opportunity to track you down because you don't know what an enraged psycho can do.

Others have suggested phoning the Sikh Helpline ( http://www.sikhhelpline.com ); this is the best place for a Gurmukh to get advice and help from.

The worst thing you can do is feel sorry for him. Don't. He knows that you are dayavaan (unlike himself), but instead of appreciating your good nature, he cynically takes advantage of it.

In order to defeat a beast, you have to first understand his mentality (ungrateful, self-hating, selfish) and then be smarter than him.

Don't worry about "what samaj will say" when you leave. If you stick around, are they going to be around to help you when it only gets worse? No!

Start respecting yourself again and you won't put up with his garbage for much longer. You've got to leave him but you must do it carefully so he can't suck you back in.

So you are going to have to toughen up and start thinking for yourself and your children only. It won't hurt you; it will save you.

[Guest GuptKaur]

I cannot see how I can raise a child alone. He is from India and will have to return if I leave him. The Sangat won't help, that's for sure. I just can't see a realistic way forward ...