Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Guest hsingh

Coping With Infertility

Recommended Posts

Guest hsingh

hi all was wondering if anyone could help or has been through the same thing.

myself and my wife are both approaching our 30's and of course everyone is asking the big question 'when are you going to have a baby'

we been trying unsuccessfully for a while and are now seeking treatment at the hospital.

the question is less to do with what can i do so god listens to my prayers to have a baby, but more to do how do i control my vices. Typical when I get asked about having kids I can't control my anger and lash out as I'm reluctant to tell people whats going on behind the scenes.

Secondly I'm struggling to control my jealousy as it seems every person and their dog seems to be pregnant and having babies.

I accept that having a blessing such as a baby is in gods will and will happen when its meant to be. But i just don't want it to change who I am as a person whilst we're waiting for the blessing to arrive.

Thanks :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

hi all was wondering if anyone could help or has been through the same thing.

myself and my wife are both approaching our 30's and of course everyone is asking the big question 'when are you going to have a baby'

we been trying unsuccessfully for a while and are now seeking treatment at the hospital.

the question is less to do with what can i do so god listens to my prayers to have a baby, but more to do how do i control my vices. Typical when I get asked about having kids I can't control my anger and lash out as I'm reluctant to tell people whats going on behind the scenes.

Secondly I'm struggling to control my jealousy as it seems every person and their dog seems to be pregnant and having babies.

I accept that having a blessing such as a baby is in gods will and will happen when its meant to be. But i just don't want it to change who I am as a person whilst we're waiting for the blessing to arrive.

Thanks :)

Try to look at those that don't have children and how they cope with life. There are many in that position or have been through the same emotions and thoughts and you, but have children at a late age or not at all. It is Waheguru also that helps one through this, so who better to turn to for help in dealing with it? If the blessing of a child is in Gods will, then so is having the strength, patience and to deal with it.

You are more likely to get this understanding from seeing those in similar situations as you.

The unique homes children are a reminder that they came into this world, but don't even know who their parents are.

There's no need to tell anybody anything personal, you just need the strength to be able to change the emotions, and not worry about not being excepted by society because one does not have children.

On the positive side in your situation you are seeking treatment at a hospital, so there is hope in that. 30 isn't really that old, there's women that go past 40 and have similar problems. I know a lady who had a baby at 50, after giving up hope, so don't let it get you down.

Be stress free for yourself and your wife as you don't want this to reflect on any treatment. Seek professional advice if you need help with it.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jealousy and Anger are just thoughts. If u can catch these thoughts as they occur, you can avoid reacting in anger.

This is difficult to do at first because reaction is really fast but if u start realizing even after youve reacted: like ive just let anger win or let jeolousy consume me, then slowly u will start to recognize anger, jeolousy before it controls u. Then u will have to fight to subdue it. Sometimes u will lose because it feels good to lash out. But sometimes u will win. When thoughts of anger or jeolousy come dont be ashamed. We all have vices and they are powerful. But it is ur fault if u act on them or dwell on them. U r not ur thoughts.

Also when ppl ask when just tell them its all wahegurus bhana or when its the right time or some other vague, smug answer to send them on their way.

As per jeolousy, my mom used to say, no matter what we bring these kids fir vi dusare di cheej dekh ki halk pai janda (even if kids are well fed seeing others treats they go rabid) Your guru is samrath, capable of giving u many things, and he has given u lots of things so why like an orphan are u looking at other ppls things and coveting. Have sabar, patience, u will get it soon. Also one always notices what one lacks in other people. So tell similar things to ur mind to help it combat jealousy. For examply say, let others enjoy what they have, my mind, have bharosa my guru will give it to me too.

PS have u thought about adopting?

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A very good point made in the post above is to have a single answer that you can resort to whenever asked. Regardless of your personal situation, it's not a question that ever requires a direct answer.

You can keep the answer as vague or even suggest a broader mind in your answer as you wish. I don't suggest the answer be too flippant as you should not have to deal with negative energy. The answer should take little energy. People ask like robots, insensitively. Sometimes it's for conversation and greeting more than an answer. Forgive them for that failure and reciprocate with as little thought as they have put into it.

Your mind will magnify what is going on for other people because of your own situation.Keep in mind there are huge number of couples with similar challenges. Many good people struggle with the step prior, which is having a life partner. Other people also have behind the scenes personal struggles of all kinds, marriage, financial, health, trust issues, mental health, etc.

Sikh bonds and love are no where near blood or DNA. Don't restrain from enjoying and loving life and contributing to your community. Every one of us can imagine different circumstances. We are all blessed in different ways. You have honesty and insight about your own feelings. That will go a long ways in keeping positive.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We went through a similar situation for 12 years. Everyone kept on asking us questions and we did feel down. However we just choose to ignore them. Approaching 35,I decided it did not matter anymore. The will of God was supreme. If he wished us to have a baby we will have one. My prayers just consisted of Tera kiya meetha laage. My mum in law pressured me into praying for a child. i just said yes all the time. I laughed off what people said - just took their comments lightly as jokes. We were taken to many places for a matha tek and prayers specifically for a child.

When we started relaxing, keeping cool, and stopped worrying - it was the best. That is when we were blessed. So the best is to relax, dont blame others or yourself and blessings will arrive soon. Pray for strength to get past the situation. Hopefully it should not last too long. Soon everything will be forgotten as you get busy with the little ones - then you will miss these carefree days and understand that the worrying and jealousy were just a big waste of time. You could have done better, coz kids keep you so busy. They literally just come and take over your life.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest _hsingh_

thanks all for your responses, read them all with my wife and found great comfort and realisation in them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

hi all was wondering if anyone could help or has been through the same thing.

myself and my wife are both approaching our 30's and of course everyone is asking the big question 'when are you going to have a baby'

we been trying unsuccessfully for a while and are now seeking treatment at the hospital.

the question is less to do with what can i do so god listens to my prayers to have a baby, but more to do how do i control my vices. Typical when I get asked about having kids I can't control my anger and lash out as I'm reluctant to tell people whats going on behind the scenes.

Secondly I'm struggling to control my jealousy as it seems every person and their dog seems to be pregnant and having babies.

I accept that having a blessing such as a baby is in gods will and will happen when its meant to be. But i just don't want it to change who I am as a person whilst we're waiting for the blessing to arrive.

Thanks :)

I remember listening to Parmjit Singh Anandpur Wale recently and the first thing we should ask for from Maharaj is Darshan before worldly mangaa.

You're spot on, our Pralabadh Karams are what dictate these types of situations and as we have seen with Sarab Rog Ka Aukadh naam camps, anything is possible through massive naam abhyiaas, which is when Ardas is heard quicker.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Gupt Singh

Many ppl including Gursikhs from the west have been to Hansali Sahib (Sant Baba Ajit Singh's asthaan) and asked for a child...today they all have been blessed with a child. i know of a Gursikh couple who tried everything medically possible but no avail. They did bentee at Hansali Sahib and today they have a child. Please go Hansali Sahib (near Fatehgarh Sahib) on any Thursday and do a bentee.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Anon_Kaur

I myself have been through a tough time, I have been married for 10 years and children was never on the agenda until the last 2 years.  My husband and I never responded to anyone's comments.  I told my parents and in-laws that this is Mahraaj Jis Hukam, not theirs or the aunty asking a million questions.

Once I accepted Mahraaj Jis hukam and started to believe that they are doing what is right for and my husband, it wasn't long before I became pregnant.

We must be willing to accept Mahraaj Jis Hukam at all costs, even when it doesn't align with your own wants.  Be a good Gursikh, stay within Rehat and nothing will get you down.  Be in Chardikala :)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Adoptionsikh

It might be that those of us who can have children look to adopt. And provide a loving home and care to a child who has no parents etc.

Its not seen if at all in many Sikh homes. But if we open our hearts a little whether or not we can have kids. But certainly an option for those who are infertile

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest hsingh

Just a quick update, so the initial treatment was unsuccessful and we start IVF next month. I would say its getting easier with time, and we're especially appreciating what we do have rather focusing on what we don't have. The universe is a big and beautiful place and we are just a insignificant part of it so why worry. 

Adoption has been mentioned and we did look into orphanages in Punjab, not sure how it works but we feel a bit uncomfortable choosing a child over there and giving them a better life yet leaving the other kids behind so we agreed to do more for orphan kids over there rather than just adopt only one.

Its a great shame theres not much mention/support in our community of such issues. I was speaking to a Jewish friend who mentioned that the jewish community in london have support groups at the synagogue to help with those who have gone through miscarriages/infertility/death of a partner/adoption etc.... 

Waheguru

 

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest SinghB

I have several of my friends who are going thru this painful journey. Typical Punjabi family survives on family support (not always but most of the time). 

The 'Sikh' support group is non-exiting as our community tends to bury such things under the carpet.

Fertility such as ivf treatment needs a big support from those who been thru such programs. 

One of my friend went thru expensive IVF program but it was not successful. Support is needed from all sides- family first then friends and then sangat.

I also strongly believe that all type of support will be only achieved from Waheguru ji. 

Bhaenji above mentioned that we need to trust and obey maharaj's hukam.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In reply to the above two posts of HSingh Ji and SinghB Ji, you are right Gurdwaras do not offer this support service, but it's the same with any other issue, the support just isn't there in our community. 

I came across this, not sure if it be of help to anybody though, but I'll put it on. 

http://www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/support/support_groups_6/england_wales

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, simran345 said:

but it's the same with any other issue, the support just isn't there in our community. 

I'm not sure I'd want it to be, bhenji, especially with the Punjabi trait of chugliyan, lol. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

I'm not sure I'd want it to be, bhenji, especially with the Punjabi trait of chugliyan, lol. 

Maybe it's about time there was some change then.  Because I'm sick of tired of hearing that same old chuglian dialogue Paji. 

May wake up a few people to reality too, as what's there to be so proud about doing chuglian of people not being able to have kids or those that have problems. 

This backwards desi thinking of treating childless couples differently needs to stop and where better to start than the Gurdwara? 

The chuglian wale need to learn from it too. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  



  • Topics

  • Posts

    • I had read that gandhi had called Guru Gobind Singh ji a "misguided patriot" but i thought it was false, but professor Puran Singh mentions it in his article and he was a contemporary of gandhi, gandhi really was a egoistical little man who believed he was on a divine mission and that his way was the only way. Anyway really beautiful article.   
    • GURU GOBIND SINGH JI : BY PROF. PURAN SINGH   Author/Source: Prof. Puran Singh Ji SAHIB-E-KAMAAL This article is a poetic meditation on the ‘Rider of the Blue Steed,’ the Tenth Guru. The special feature of Puran Singh’s articulation is that it is a free intermix of the conceptual and emotional, distinguished from the cerebral hermeneutic of the West. Guru Gobind Singh emerges from the dimension in which an unusual integrity of the antahkaran (mind, soul, conscience, heart,and understanding) begins to envision everything in real and symbolic terms, simultaneously. On a cautionary note, one shall not commit a literalistic fallacy that occurs due to one’s being naïve about the symbolic and phenomenological operations of the mind. The punctuations and spellings have been amended to reflect the contemporary parlance; NO word is added or omitted. The original rendition of the article is not known; this version is adapted from a journal titled Puran Singh Studies, Vol. 1-2, Jan-Apr 1981, Panjabi University, Patiala.]   Guru Gobind Singh Ji They of India have not understood Him. Gandhi calls him a "misguided patriot." Men of this world, who wish to comprehend Truth by their own intellectual measures, are forever incapable of understanding the true nature of Inspiration, which is the life-breath of the really great. Whenever they approach such inscrutable personalities, they make but grotesque estimates. After centuries of intellectual advancement, they stand still exactly on the same spot, utterly incapable. In one age to them, Joan of Arc is but a witch and the end of the intellectual justice is to case her in fire. Today the ghost of non-violence is let loose and Guru Gobind Singh is a "misguided patriot." Christ says, "Judge not." Because we are not omniscient nor seers of all the three times – past, present, and future – it is impossible for us to judge truly even common fellowmen like ourselves, in spite of an intimate contact and even identity of our natures and motives. Much more difficult becomes our forming opinions about beings who have in their inner nature, transcended our plane of existence. The intellectuals who are great, who are famous these days, at best, are but synthetic personalities, the mere laboratory products of the systems of the schools of man-made, mind-born Ethics, and are but toy replicas of the great, whose conduct is spontaneous, whose character is the radiation of the sun. They are the products of those mysterious cosmic processes, which make the sun and the moon. For the dead toy replicas of the great it becomes physically impossible to analyze the inner motives of the beings of immortal inspiration. All opinions expressed by such lower men about those who live, move and have their being in acceptance of the cosmic inspiration, are as false as the opinion of the clergy who declared Joan of Arc a witch and sentenced her to be burnt alive. Sword is the symbol of the creative processes of that mysterious incomprehensible Creator-Complex of nature. Nature is not Creation they say, it is spontaneous evolution they say; it is not Being they say, it is Eternal Becoming they say; it is not spiritual they say, it is material and mechanical they say; it is all electrical substance they say; it is not soul they say; but only the insane doubt now that it is a complex. No one view can define it accurately. Guru Gobind Singh sees the flash of the sword in this dark mystery complex. He sings his "Song of Sword" and by its cadence transmutes the miserable wretched people of Punjab, not into temporal kings, a miracle, which even an ordinary worldly man of empire carving ambitions like Sivaji, could perform in transmuting his mercenary soldiers into Peshwas, but into Phula Singh Akalis. Cut these disciples of Guru Gobind Singh as they did cut Bhai Mani Singh, instead of blood, the nectar of inspiration flows from their veins. The name of the Eternal resounds in their bones and as they of the world sawed them asunder, only that glorious cadence (Sat Nam) was in response to the axe strokes. His disciples rose all of a sudden from nowhere, as Superman, who were, as the same time, like the clouds of the sky, raining as they were bidden to rain, and striking down like the bolt of heaven as they were bidden. Not protest but obedience was their creed. Their protest was one with the protest of the Divine Creator complex, called Hukam by Guru Nanak in Japji, and it shone in the Image of Sword seen by Guru Gobind Singh. The Khalsa came ready made from Him … that blue-wearing Superman, armed from head to foot wholly dedicated, ready to die – the historian says, as Minerva from Jupiter – a highly explosive personality, showering both nectar and thunder, as the merest tool of the Cosmic Complex. In human history there is no example of such transcendent inspiration, unless we go and see the personalities imbued with the Bushido spirit of Japan, as transmuted by the spirit of the great Tathagata. I have often said that Guru Gobind Singh created a spiritual Japan in the Punjab out of His spirit and he can be sympathetically understood only by the Bushido spirit of Japan as informed of Buddhism. Riding His Blue Horse, clad in the robe of the whole starry Heaven, and followed by His Five Horsemen, he goes riding by the doors of His lowly disciples still and as the horses strike the rocks, the sleeping ones awaken still and sing: O King of Purple eternity, who loves us, Who comes and lies with us at, Night unknown to us, Comforting us in our distress, O Weaver of the Crest Jewel of all-Godliness, all-Humanity, Come and meet us the peasants of the Punjab. O Glorious Guru Gobind Singh! Come ride through our hearts, Come ride through our eyes. Guru Gobind Singh is the Indweller of Souls. He is the vision that vitalizes the decaying the finite centers of life with the touch of the Infinite. Name Him and you are transported. Name Him and you ride very death to His Door. Woe be for the day, who, surrendering their soul to the false brilliance of any intellect, the disciples of the Glorious Guru would turn their back on Him – once before in history, they did so. The disciples left Him at Anandpur. But they found no place to go to. Wives denied their husbands, mothers their sons, sisters their brothers – for the Punjabi Sikh woman truly saw there is no life but with Him. What is the world without Him? So they died. So they lived. Said Khan the Moghul General doubted. All have intellects, not only the modern subtle-minded Hindu. Guru Gobind Singh came riding His Horse to him in his camp. Sayeed Khan leveled his gun at Him. It missed the Guru. He was asked to try again. Said Khan put his head on the Guru’s feet. He was informed. The camp lay where it was. The armies of the Moghul still besieged Anandpur. But Sayeed Khan went up to the hills singing Him, as a maiden, falling in love with her man, renounces all and sink into the depths of life. But the Guru does not show Himself to those who have not entered the shrine of Acceptance, who have not understood Reverence, who have no wonder in their eyes, and who love not the spiritual Beauty, which transmutes man into angels in an instant. Perfection is in His Glance. There is no standard in the East or in the West by which these intellectuals can form an idea of the inspiration of the Infinite. It was a stream that flowed to Him, which He received within Himself. "I was," said he, "Reluctant to come here on this earth. But I came." My soul is still engulfed in that current of Inspiration-Infinite. He came and he went. Only the trail of his garment, still shines, the sound of the hoofs of His steed is still audible. Wrapped in that shining garment, listening to that sound, we go daily where He is. This is the religion of His Disciples. Our eyes are red with the glory that He has shed on our paths. And we go on. His sword waves the lightning flashes in the cloud-filled sky, but it rains after the centuries of oppressing heat. "Man is the Temple, Let this flame burn within there, As the Lamp of the Eternal, They are my Khalsa, In whose hearts burns this Inspiration Of the Infinite, day and night. The story undimmed, He is the pure." (Prof. Puran Singh)
    • He has severe anxiety, a sort of depression and his family didn't tell us, maybe they didn't acknowledge the seriousness of it and thought marriage would fix it. So after getting married his anxiety increased, I feel like people pressured him with the notion of honeymoon period and didn't acknowledge that we had an arrange marriage. I tried my hardest, I even threw all my English clothes away and wore what they brought me, I used to wear a suit on the weekend to avoid any stress on the weekends, I tried to support my husband with his anxiety and even persuaded him to get medication for it. My husband didn't come home for a week, wouldn't answer mt calls or msgs and when he returned with a group of his father's friends, who I hardly knew, announced that we can't be happy together and disappeared in his room. The so called friends began shouting at me, laughing at me and accusing me. They rang my parents before coming but my parents didn't know the seriousness of the situation and said that they don't want to interfere and my hubby needs to go home n discuss whats ever the matter is with me. One of man's wife began recording a video of me crying. I begged to be able to speak to my husband and my MIL and FIL who claimed that I was their daughter felt nothing towards me and sat there watching. The so called friend offered to drop me back home to my parents and I refused. They rang my parents and that man was very intimidating. When my parents and brothers arrived they were furious at how I'd been treated like a toy- when their son wanted me they were all dancing around me but now that he doesn't want me I'm not even being allowed to have a say. So basically they kicked me out with the single pair of clothes I had on, I took my work bag and managed to get hold of my passport/documents..... I remember sitting there broken and the ladies were giggling and chatting about shopping and their pets. I cried to my MIL that my life is falling apart and all these people can do is talk about their dog and all my MIL had to say to them was go chat in the other room.  I still remember that day clearly, I came back from work and spoke to everyone. They all seemed weird. I asked if they heard anything from my hubby and they claimed they hadn't. The night before I had posted some flowers to my hubby and a note that I really miss and love him. All the family were aware of what was going on but kept me in the dark. They so called friends claimed I has requested a breakup to my hubby but I don't understand if I had why would I sit there crying to my MIL FIL Saying how much I wish my hubby would come home or why would I msg/ring him or even sit around waiting. I just don't understand how everything turned so horrible 😥
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use