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Domestic Violence Against Sikh Women


Guest Sat
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You (and others) might prefer a timid bloke, but not all women do. Don't try and throw this on Guru ji.

A little bit of passion or fire doesn't constitute behaving in a 'harassing way'.

And from what I see these days, jumped up, leary, big mouth Sikh 'princesses' are as common a problem as overbearing blokes. You even said yourself that your own son was put off Sikh girls because of how many of them go on.

Let people be matched to their own preference. I know some blokes actually like (and seem to seek out) overbearing women (as much as this bamboozles me), and conversely some women prefer 'take charge' guys. Let people be matched to their suitability. One man's poison is another man's .....etc. etc.

they were put off by their lack of sikhi , and also lack of basic courtesy, intelligence . Being strong both as a female or male in sikhi is matter of self-confidence coming from using bibeki reasoning , ethics and having moral guidance from Guru ji , physical strength is a secondary aspect of this as you cannot be a warrior without the first because you will otherwise listen to your ego and try to pointscore over the other person . It is a calm centered dharmic knowing rather than booklearnt vigian that marks out a strong character. My husband and I are equally matched in temprament : both just as stubborn , both as invested in truthful living , only he doesn't see what I see his potential to be , he often accuses me of making him out to be better than he is ( which somehow works to make him become a better person) . Quarrels are rare (last time the kids were so worried they talked to my Mum of course it was over and sorted by then) he has his space to do his thing and I mine . He is the odd one out in the conversation in the mancliche at work because although he has four kids he is not a typical henpecked guy because I like my thinking space too so whilst he's off scubadiving/socialising/ jujitsuing I am studying/ listening to katha kirtan/ doing my stuff so it's a win win.

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I agree, violence is a complete no-no. If a man has to resort to a backhander to keep the peace, then I'm afraid he is with the wrong woman. A good woman / partner / wife doesn't play games, and doesn't put her husband in situations where he feels compelled to treat her like an animal. That is unless he's a complete fool who practices aggression even against a decent woman, and in that case he deserves everything that comes his way.

I don't see an issue with a man raising his voice if his wife seems to be labouring under a few misconceptions. Usually, nipping behaviour like that in the bud is enough to ensure an harmonious household for the entirety of their lives. A fearful, weak man who can't speak up for himself and assert some semblance of authority in situations that are threatening to spiral out of control is an absolute disgrace. If he's afraid of his wife, how on earth is he meant to be the rock which inspires confidence in his dependents? In relationship dynamics that go back to our evolutionary traits as human beings, a woman will never give herself completely to someone she doesn't respect. But that's another subject.

Funnily enough, the strongest and most intimidating men I've known don't need to punch or scream in order to assert themselves. All it takes is a glance, and that's usually enough. They exude a certain quality that can't be taught or copied merely by observation. That's true power.

my Mum has that look down .... she's cute and cuddly granny but God help you if you come at her ...she's faced down knife attacks and even a gun in face when she had a shop .

I think a lot of males are labouring under the false impression that shouting down or mentally/emotionally blackmailing or intimidating a bibi is acceptable - she gave up everything she knew to stand by your side - her name, her family ties, her neighbourhood, her freedom (yep that old crock beta tu avde ghar ja ke jo marjee karla ) two sets of familes policing her behaviour, whereas the guy's everything stays similar except for that tricky mental transition from just thinking of 'me' to 'we' and having share tie and space with someone else (just like the Bibi who has been drilled since a babe on duty , future etc) You owe her a fair shake, the benefit of the doubt and time to adjust .She has a hell of a lot to lose reputation wise if things break down . We are intelligent human beings we can choose our reactions to certain behaviour , that comment about being compelled to treat someone like an animal ...how? gun to the head or sense of superiority from knowing she will be blamed anyhow even if innocent (that is the mentality of an abuser)

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I don't know what people are going on about now.

I was just trying to say that speaking loudly to your partner in the heat of the moment isn't anything unusual. This probably happens in the majority of relationships at some point or another.

And if you believe this:

Should any women who raises her voice to her man get a slap too?

Or is it okay for females to do this but not men.

What are you on???

My first post was related to the original post itself, the domestic violent situation.

You have just clarified that your response to my first post was about 'heat of the moment' arguments, which I think is completely different to the domestic violence which had occurred in the original post. Raising the voice in a domestic violent situation is bullying, not raising your voice when a couple are arguing.

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My first post was related to the original post itself, the domestic violent situation.

You have just clarified that your response to my first post was about 'heat of the moment' arguments, which I think is completely different to the domestic violence which had occurred in the original post. Raising the voice in a domestic violent situation is bullying, not raising your voice when a couple are arguing.

Glad we sorted that out.

I think it is pretty normally for people to get frustrated with each other over some thing or another when they spend a lot of time in close proximity. Occasionally the nerves get grated enough that voices get raised.

Women are as bad (if not worse) then men when it comes to this. Sometimes they do it because of the influence of changing hormones.....if you know what I mean.

I also think this can easily happen in other close relationships where a lot of time is spent together (i.e. siblings).

One of reasons is that people very close to you know what buttons to press to get someone fired up super-fast, and can deploy this when feeling angry.

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Hi everyone,

Thank you for your replies and suggestions. I would rather not share who it was, but it happened in a drunken rage- another problem with Indian men in Indian culture and very often fuel for abuse.

XYZ, I feel compassionate towards you and your situation. I am sorry that your children don't speak to you.

You appear to have learned the same lessons that I have, that love and attachments are temporary and fickle and can be broken in an instant. I feel for you and your living situation, I have had to start over. I now have next to no money or savings to my name and live in a shared flat that is at least a hundred steps down from my family home. No one has helped me, not even my own mother who still feels that me being beaten so badly was still okay. But i'm more at peace in the new place so I am thankful.

I went through a period where I felt as if I could not go on, but God Willing, i've began to gather my strength back and get on with my life. I am determined to do well for myself no matter what and am trying to use my situation as fuel to go above and beyond what i could have achieved if I were at my old home. I am in the process of visiting a counsellor which I believe is very important for women who have been abused.

I understand why you are saying cut off all of these people, rumors and judgements spread like wildfire in indian culture and the abusers can come across with a split personality to the community, can appear extra nice but are really sadistic abusers behind closed doors. So try not to be angry at those who judge as they probably don't know the real story, and may only believe what your family tells them, as your family is the majority. I had the same issue.

I hope that you are able to move forward as well. I will create an account on here so that you can message me or call me any time, you are not alone, so don't hurt yourself, focus on your life and on healing. Be happy, if you can, find someone else, life is too short.

well here is my email hmsaccounting@gmail.com

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