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What to do to have a happy married life


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18 minutes ago, Ranjeet01 said:

How did your baba treat your dad?

The level of treatment by the older generation by their parents was far worse.

They were beaten with belts, fists.

Sometimes with past traumas, you can get triggered by certain things and the anger suddenly comes out.

That is a big reason why alcohol is why prevalent in our community. 

A lot of middle aged punjabi men want to kill themselves. They can't just hang themselves,  so they drink themselves to death.

not sure  my baba died b4 i was born      and iv never spoken about my baba with my dad    me and my dad dnt have that kind of relationship   we really dnt talk much 

 

 

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11 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

To be fair, their objective experiences of the life they've lived and the conclusions they've drawn from those experiences can't really be faulted, but anything outside their immediate sphere of existence, i.e. the wider world beyond their own life and everything that happens in it, is completely skewed. YET they talk as if they have it all figured out, hehe. The most glaring fault I can pinpoint in their perception of reality is the complete ignorance of modern gender dynamics and how this issue in particular affects the younger generations in decisions such as partner selection and marriage. They seem to be under the impression that the females of today are EXACTLY of the same stock, temperament, and demeanour of their wives, which iswrong on so many levels. While I do believe our and younger generations are guilty are over-thinking things and not just biting the bullet on occasions, there's little to no understanding of the incredible shift in social and legislative isshes that definitely impact the covenant between man and wife. These things aren't even a blip on their radar.

Let's keep it real. They are often stoic simpletons (both male and female), and these characteristics worked for them and their times and situation, but as you allude to, SO MUCH has changed in society since then (not just gender dynamics), they seem to be in a time warp - and I don't think they have the cognitive capacity to even grasp that. They have limited cognitive capacities. A lot flies over their heads. Which was actually a bonus in the (sometimes subtly sometimes overtly) racist, hostile environment they immigrated to and prospered in. We live in a different world to them, one they can't comprehend. The world will never return to like it was in their time.  For all the good they did in establishing things, we can't ignore how much they missed the ball on certain crucial issues like propagating the faith and language to youngers in a supportive, dynamic way. The way they missed the whole grooming thing going on under their noses for decades and decades says it all. 

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7 minutes ago, puzzled said:

not sure  my baba died b4 i was born      and iv never spoken about my baba with my dad    me and my dad dnt have that kind of relationship   we really dnt talk much 

 

 

My baba immigrated and left my father and his siblings over there for a while. I don't think they were treated good by the relatives they were left in the care of, stuff like that can also affect psyches. 

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13 minutes ago, puzzled said:

not sure  my baba died b4 i was born      and iv never spoken about my baba with my dad    me and my dad dnt have that kind of relationship   we really dnt talk much 

 

 

It would help to understand your dad better.

You should ask your bhua.

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I mean look at us right now:

What we are talking about, trying to make sense of things, sharing experiences. I could never have done this in my time growing up. People didn't openly talk. Everything was bottled up. Younguns were considered morons to be beaten into submission and compliance. Your opinions and feelings were worth nothing. lol 

And I see some people of my generations still sort of repeat aspects of this (minus the beatings), we have to break the cycle and not perpetuate the more negative behaviours. You need a strong critical mind for that, or you'll just do what the olders did.   

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31 minutes ago, dallysingh101 said:

I mean look at us right now:

What we are talking about, trying to make sense of things, sharing experiences. I could never have done this in my time growing up. People didn't openly talk. Everything was bottled up. Younguns were considered morons to be beaten into submission and compliance. Your opinions and feelings were worth nothing. lol 

And I see some people of my generations still sort of repeat aspects of this (minus the beatings), we have to break the cycle and not perpetuate the more negative behaviours. You need a strong critical mind for that, or you'll just do what the olders did.   

Yh but I wouldn't talk about this with friends or family openly     being anonymous on here gets you to talk about stuff which you wouldn't in real

Me, my mum or my sister dnt talk about my dad     or what he did to us/me   

My mum knows I didnt have it easy with him   I was the eldest    but we dnt talk about stuff like that lol!

I would never do that to my kids what he did to me  

He even used to beat me to eat food and  then stand there watching then I used to end up throwing up in the sink.

Who the hell does that 

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Fair play, though, I am incredibly grateful to our elders who toiled and grafted seven days a week at times when they came to the West so that we could sit here decades later and critique their mishaps and failings, lmao. Seriously, I sound like one of those soft Western born Punjabis who writes Guardian articles about how his dad never hugged him when growing up. Honestly, I'm not one of those guys. ? Parnaam Siyaneyeh Nu. ?

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I don't even want to f*king talk about my dad.  lol

All I'm trying to say is that change is needed, and the changes are likely to be significant! We can't navigate the current climate and environment doing what they did, in a variety of ways, and that's not just child rearing. That ain't to knock them, but all generations have to face this. We have excess conservatism that outsiders are exploiting horrifically. Want to put a hard check on that. We can't do it alone, we have to do it together, or at least as a powerful group within our community. 

 Having worked in construction for a couple of years now, I have first hand seen the exploitation and subtle abuse the olders had to contend with. It was probably not even subtle like it is now back then! In that respect I have the most respect for them. But a lot of things have to change.  And learning from their strengths and weaknesses is a smart thing. 

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20 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

Fair play, though, I am incredibly grateful to our elders who toiled and grafted seven days a week at times when they came to the West so that we could sit here decades later and critique their mishaps and failings, lmao. Seriously, I sound like one of those soft Western born Punjabis who writes Guardian articles about how his dad never hugged him when growing up. Honestly, I'm not one of those guys. ? Parnaam Siyaneyeh Nu. ?

im not criticizing them lol!  all im saying is that they have some issues which seem to trickle down to the younger generation     iv actually always praised our ancestors/ elders 

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5 minutes ago, puzzled said:

im not criticizing them lol!  all im saying is that they have some issues which seem to trickle down to the younger generation     iv actually always praised our ancestors/ elders 

I'm not saying you were! I was commenting on what some might perceive my earlier post to be a little harsh on them. ?

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