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What to do to have a happy married life


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59 minutes ago, puzzled said:

im not criticizing them lol!  all im saying is that they have some issues which seem to trickle down to the younger generation     iv actually always praised our ancestors/ elders 

That's universally recognised in psychology (which I'm not saying nails everything!)

The perpetuation or effects of previous generations actions upon us. Especially with attachment issues, trust, how we perceive the world, relationships. It's not wrote in stone though, if you have certain 'protective factors' (as they refer to them in psychology) like intelligence (I might have?), looks (not sure, but even if I have some, the other insecurities I might have override any ego on that), alternative support networks (some, including this and another forum) then you can maybe start to conceptualise things in a way that helps you out of the maze that it can sometimes seem we are in.   

Honestly, in all my many weaknesses, given that I'm not particularly prone to trusting, simran (or 'meditation') has REALLY helped me understand myself. Will I resolve all of my issues - probably not. But at least I am not oblivious to having them or that they can exist, and where some of them might stem from like some others in similar circumstances - f**k it! like some of my very own siblings. 

These things might affect us, and if you are blessed with enough intelligence to even grasp that, at least you have some chance of not being a complete slave to the past. 

Regarding elders and the past: In the words of Bruce Lee - Reject what is useless and absorb what is useful.   

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SSA original poster

Penji I know exactly how you feel. I have been in your situation many a times. You ask husband if they are well? No reply. Silence. Come 5 minutes later husband's phone rings he has a full conversation with his friend. You ask husband what he would like to eat? You make it. Husband will never say the food tastes nice. Instead you are sworn at because the food doesn't taste nice. Every day you are ridiculed and ignored. You sit near him for his attention - even try to make him laugh and smile and husband just ignores you. Like a child you beg (in your mind) to be hugged and comforted just like when you first got married... but husband doesn't even glance. You wait for your husband in the evenings he comes at midnight. The only time husband hugs or talks to you is when he needs s3x. The next morning he won't even look at you. To be punched and beat up for "spending too much money." To never be told you look beautiful. To never be told 'I love you'- when you tell your husband I still love you. Penji this is the life we live. Yes we cry when we are hurt emotionally and physically. Loved ones (parents) are sworn at (the worst pain) and we cant say much back.

Sorry I had to let that out. I know it's hard. But I am sure you agree that we grin and bear it to keep the picture perfect image for our kids and relatives. A different story indoors and a different story outdoors. The perfect happy family. What I do during what I call 'Angry Husband Flare Ups' is

- I stop trying.

I stop trying to reach out to him. I stop taking a interest in him. If he doesn't need/want me in his life then I make it easier for him. I literally just do my 'housewife' job. Cook and clean for him. No eye contact. No excessive conversation.

- I live my life with my kids and my Guru. My life routine is with my kids. If I want to watch a movie - I do it with my kids. I feel sad and need to cry - I do it with my kids. If they ask why I am crying - I'm sorry I do lie and say I have a headache/tummyache. If they ask me was it because daddy hit you. I say no we were playing/wreastling/martial arts (This has stopped working now recently though - my kids have said no daddy was angry when he hit you he wasn't playing). I will find a new excuse. 

Ever since these 'flare ups' I have found happiness with my life centralised around my children. We do EVERYTHING together. They treat me like a sister more than their mummy. Which makes me feel accepted and loved.  My kids save my life. Everytime. 

Once husband sees that your and kid's life is still moving on whether he wants to share this invaluable experience of parenting and marital life or not he is bound to change. A little. I am a happier person even on flare up days. I have learnt to brush it off. Any insults or physical force I just cry them out and move on. I think I have become dead to these actions. Once the flare ups pass and husband sees that family is still rolling on you will see your husband too. Coming back to you saying sorry and explaining his behaviour. The same old sh1t. Play happy families again and then another flare up. Don't worry though ever since I have stopped caring the flare ups have got shorter and less severe. So kids dobt have to witness much. I have started to see myself and my husband more and more as two souls and how this thing isn't forever. The soul can't be hurt. I find Waheguru's play funny now. He must laugh at each household. All I know is I teach my kids (esp. Sons) Guru Hargobind Sahib Ji's maryada that REAL Singhs don't hit women. I also do ardas that Waheguru will marry my daughter to a REAL Singh when she grows up. I spoke to my inlaws who brush their son up that he is lucky to have a good family. Husband seems well adjusted to family life for now.

I would say stop caring so much, do your wife role. Live your life with your kids. Tell your inlaws if they will listen. Show your husband that you still have a life with your kids even if he doesn't have time for you. Try to exit the room before he becomes physical. Ignore the verbal. Have Kirtan on your phone. Learn, eat, pray play and have fun with your kids. Change your household atomsphere to the one you want. Your husband will come to realise he needs to change.

Life is too short. Sometimes you have to endure hardships for a better fruit/reward - your children's happiness.

This is my experience. I don't know the level of pain you are in. I can't advise you professionally. I am just sharing snippets from pages of my life. Time makes things better.

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On 4/8/2020 at 2:39 AM, Guest Sister said:

Penji I know exactly how you feel. I have been in your situation many a times. You ask husband if they are well? No reply. Silence. Come 5 minutes later husband's phone rings he has a full conversation with his friend. You ask husband what he would like to eat? You make it. Husband will never say the food tastes nice. Instead you are sworn at because the food doesn't taste nice. Every day you are ridiculed and ignored. You sit near him for his attention - even try to make him laugh and smile and husband just ignores you. Like a child you beg (in your mind) to be hugged and comforted just like when you first got married... but husband doesn't even glance. You wait for your husband in the evenings he comes at midnight. The only time husband hugs or talks to you is when he needs s3x. The next morning he won't even look at you. To be punched and beat up for "spending too much money." To never be told you look beautiful. To never be told 'I love you'- when you tell your husband I still love you. Penji this is the life we live. Yes we cry when we are hurt emotionally and physically. Loved ones (parents) are sworn at (the worst pain) and we cant say much back.

Sorry I had to let that out. I know it's hard. But I am sure you agree that we grin and bear it to keep the picture perfect image for our kids and relatives. A different story indoors and a different story outdoors. The perfect happy family. What I do during what I call 'Angry Husband Flare Ups' is

This sounds a lot like NPD. Narcissistic personality disorder. You might want to look into it? 

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  • 2 months later...
On 3/29/2020 at 12:45 AM, puzzled said:

ssa my life is so disturbing my family and in-law family done like eschew other because in-law family money minded too much but my family simple and pure.now problems is I am talking to in-laws but my husband never talk to my parents. My parent’s and my husband fight with each other.what I do I am just depressed please please help me to solve this 

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I’ve read both sides of this thread. I have a few questions:

If you shouldn’t get divorced then why does maharaj allow second marriages to happen, after all everything is in hukam.

To the original poster: Life can be really crappy sometimes but you have to do your simran, it helps so much, it makes you stronger. Makes you realise too that it’s just unfortunately what you have to go through. 

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On 4/4/2020 at 8:27 PM, puzzled said:

Yh but I wouldn't talk about this with friends or family openly     being anonymous on here gets you to talk about stuff which you wouldn't in real

Me, my mum or my sister dnt talk about my dad     or what he did to us/me   

My mum knows I didnt have it easy with him   I was the eldest    but we dnt talk about stuff like that lol!

I would never do that to my kids what he did to me  

He even used to beat me to eat food and  then stand there watching then I used to end up throwing up in the sink.

Who the hell does that 

What are you like now out of interest? Are you a nice partner? Do you have anger or issues being empathetic as a result?Seeing as it’s all anonymous  

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On 4/8/2020 at 2:39 AM, Guest Sister said:

SSA original poster

Penji I know exactly how you feel. I have been in your situation many a times. You ask husband if they are well? No reply. Silence. Come 5 minutes later husband's phone rings he has a full conversation with his friend. You ask husband what he would like to eat? You make it. Husband will never say the food tastes nice. Instead you are sworn at because the food doesn't taste nice. Every day you are ridiculed and ignored. You sit near him for his attention - even try to make him laugh and smile and husband just ignores you. Like a child you beg (in your mind) to be hugged and comforted just like when you first got married... but husband doesn't even glance. You wait for your husband in the evenings he comes at midnight. The only time husband hugs or talks to you is when he needs s3x. The next morning he won't even look at you. To be punched and beat up for "spending too much money." To never be told you look beautiful. To never be told 'I love you'- when you tell your husband I still love you. Penji this is the life we live. Yes we cry when we are hurt emotionally and physically. Loved ones (parents) are sworn at (the worst pain) and we cant say much back.

Sorry I had to let that out. I know it's hard. But I am sure you agree that we grin and bear it to keep the picture perfect image for our kids and relatives. A different story indoors and a different story outdoors. The perfect happy family. What I do during what I call 'Angry Husband Flare Ups' is

- I stop trying.

I stop trying to reach out to him. I stop taking a interest in him. If he doesn't need/want me in his life then I make it easier for him. I literally just do my 'housewife' job. Cook and clean for him. No eye contact. No excessive conversation.

- I live my life with my kids and my Guru. My life routine is with my kids. If I want to watch a movie - I do it with my kids. I feel sad and need to cry - I do it with my kids. If they ask why I am crying - I'm sorry I do lie and say I have a headache/tummyache. If they ask me was it because daddy hit you. I say no we were playing/wreastling/martial arts (This has stopped working now recently though - my kids have said no daddy was angry when he hit you he wasn't playing). I will find a new excuse. 

Ever since these 'flare ups' I have found happiness with my life centralised around my children. We do EVERYTHING together. They treat me like a sister more than their mummy. Which makes me feel accepted and loved.  My kids save my life. Everytime. 

Once husband sees that your and kid's life is still moving on whether he wants to share this invaluable experience of parenting and marital life or not he is bound to change. A little. I am a happier person even on flare up days. I have learnt to brush it off. Any insults or physical force I just cry them out and move on. I think I have become dead to these actions. Once the flare ups pass and husband sees that family is still rolling on you will see your husband too. Coming back to you saying sorry and explaining his behaviour. The same old sh1t. Play happy families again and then another flare up. Don't worry though ever since I have stopped caring the flare ups have got shorter and less severe. So kids dobt have to witness much. I have started to see myself and my husband more and more as two souls and how this thing isn't forever. The soul can't be hurt. I find Waheguru's play funny now. He must laugh at each household. All I know is I teach my kids (esp. Sons) Guru Hargobind Sahib Ji's maryada that REAL Singhs don't hit women. I also do ardas that Waheguru will marry my daughter to a REAL Singh when she grows up. I spoke to my inlaws who brush their son up that he is lucky to have a good family. Husband seems well adjusted to family life for now.

I would say stop caring so much, do your wife role. Live your life with your kids. Tell your inlaws if they will listen. Show your husband that you still have a life with your kids even if he doesn't have time for you. Try to exit the room before he becomes physical. Ignore the verbal. Have Kirtan on your phone. Learn, eat, pray play and have fun with your kids. Change your household atomsphere to the one you want. Your husband will come to realise he needs to change.

Life is too short. Sometimes you have to endure hardships for a better fruit/reward - your children's happiness.

This is my experience. I don't know the level of pain you are in. I can't advise you professionally. I am just sharing snippets from pages of my life. Time makes things better.

This is nice. I’m glad you have found some form of peace and joy in your children x

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17 hours ago, learningkaur said:

What are you like now out of interest? Are you a nice partner? Do you have anger or issues being empathetic as a result?Seeing as it’s all anonymous  

I'm not married yet     No i don't have anger issues, in fact I'm the complete opposite! I'm really laid back and calm and really easy to get on with lol  everyone says that!  

I would never treat my wife/GF how my father treated my mother. These experiences really do shape you, a lot more than you may think, but you get so used to it that you don't even realize how they effect you until you . My early 20s were madness, had anxiety, ended up drinking heavily, then ended up on medication, but its all fine now. A lot of the time the feelings are suppressed, but the alcohol brings them out.  But i'm fine now, haven't drank for like 4 years.  

The dynamic and relationships in my house are very complex! i often wonder how i would explain it all to my wife!  That's why i think Love marriage for me would be a lot better than arranged.

I personally really dislike people who have anger!  

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