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Unhappy marriage


Guest Jasbkaur
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Congratz! Hopefully everything works out. But if hes willing to change and put in his best effort, so should u. Please dont go into this with 'i hope he does mess up' mentality. This shows that the younger generation doesnt see divorce or seperation as a big thing. Divorce/seperation should be last resort.

Please overlook small things, and focus on the big changes he is making, and be supportive. Its not easy giving up alcohol when ones addicted.

Put your best effort into making this marriage work. Divorce or living on ones own or with parents isnt easy and will get tiresome. So please dont think of marriage as trivial, try to save it. Help each other out to becoming better human beings and sikhs. Thats wat marriage is about. Ignore each other faults and try to focus on good things. (Faults ofc dont mean violence)

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15 hours ago, Guest Jasbkaur said:

I understand i also dont want to be a burden but i dont want a few sessions of therapy to be enough to say all is fine i cant imagine being in this forever

Speak to your mom about moving back in with them.  Your dad is doing the typical brown dad thing.  He may think you are being weak and are giving up too fast on the marriage.  They have a very different definition of tolerance than the modern Punjabi, who runs away from every difficulty faced in life today.  They tolerated a lot of cr*p from white people and maybe your mom faced some of the repressed aggression from you father as well and he thinks, why can't you face some of it and continue to live in such an environment.  His frame of reference is not right, but understanding where he is coming from may help him open up and accept your hell as reality and accept you back into the house.  Maybe try to get one of your dad's best friends to sit in with a conversation about you moving back in.  Let your parents know, you are willing to try again with your husband, if he changes (stops abusing you and stops drinking, and stops messaging other women) after you move back home.  Your willingness to work it out may help your dad see the problems as real issues.  His best friend/relative may help your dad understand the reality of your life.  Also stand up to your husband.  I don't mean go toe to toe with him.  But stand your ground by showing him, you are not scared of him.  These cowards work off of fear.  Once they know the other person does not fear them, they actually develop a fear of you inside.  Right now, he thinks you will not do anything to stand up for yourself.  The way a person holds themselves, walks, and speaks can make you a victim or a dominant person in the house.  Act like you are suppose to be there in the house and are an equal member in the house.  I don't know the dynamics in the house, but if you are still doing things for him.  Stop, doing things, like cooking meals for him, cleaning, laundry, etc.  When he doesn't have clean clothes and a hot meals, something will click in.  He will go to his animal behaviour of trying to force you to do it, but say exactly why you are not doing it and stand your ground.  A dog doesn't get a treat until he shows how to sit and not move till told too.  But the best thing you can do is move out and move to your parents house.  Also don't show to him you are miserable.  He feeds off of it.  He knows you are vulnerable and takes advantage of it.  Fake happiness and he has nothing in his power.  Subtle changes can make a huge difference.  Right now, he thinks you have no support.  Find someone who will stand on your side and blatantly present it in his face.         

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Guest Jasbkaur

I do not pander to his whim his mother is always running after him like a slave in terms of getting up to get him wat he wantc constantly however i work full time his not a child and shud move and use his body i will see wat happens as sitting down and talking will be me causing problems again

Thank you paji

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest tva prasad
On ‎5‎/‎01‎/‎2017 at 4:52 AM, Guest Jasbkaur said:

I do not pander to his whim his mother is always running after him like a slave in terms of getting up to get him wat he wantc constantly however i work full time his not a child and shud move and use his body i will see wat happens as sitting down and talking will be me causing problems again

Thank you paji

I m surprised this guy isn't in jail right now. Hopefully everything is all well now. Make sure u do lots of patth to erase ur bad karams. Good luck prnji. May god bless u with eternal happiness. :)

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On 29/12/2016 at 0:21 PM, Guest Jasbkaur said:

Im a sikh girl i had an arranged marriage 9 months ago. My husband is horrible to me he has beaten me twice and gets drunk every friday causes problems swears at his parents and got drunk and crashed his car. He insults me and because i do paath in the bedroom i ask him not to bring alcohol up because i have gutka sahib in the room and he says stuff like i am the gutka just to mke me cross i am so unhappy he has been online dating sites and messaging other girls im so unhappy my parents force me to continue because if i leave people will talk i really feel sad and dont know what to do 

Stop being so Brown and Leave.

 

I got beaten badly and left my family, and its the best thing I could have done. Life Isnt complicated, we ourselves complicate it.

 

 

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On 29/12/2016 at 10:59 PM, Guest Jasbkaur said:

Thank you all for your help and support my parents have said if I walk away then that is it i am on my own as in sikhi there is no divorce. I do work but i cannot afford my own place. He got caught drunk driving in an accident luckily he only drove into a wall and is on a tag. I am scared that people will look down on me and i will be ostracised as my dad is well known and part of the gurdwara committee. Can i be a good sikh and leave.

My gosh, youd be a bad sikh if u Didnt Leave. Do you really think the Gurus would have taught for a woman to stay with an abusive spouse?

Rubbish BROWN CULTURE has nothing to do with practicing Truth.

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On 29/12/2016 at 9:19 PM, Not2Cool2Argue said:

You have to decide. Would u rather be sad and beaten up your whole life or be talked about? And if u leave him, will u live with ur parents? And will ur parents support u or give u a hard time? 

If u have a job, then u should think about leaving. If u dont then u have to see what will happen if u leave. Will u be able to get remarried? Will u be able to live with your parents forever? 

So think about getting a job anyway, because if he is seeing other girls, he might divorce u. 

Also, if u cant leave him, then u can try to change him. Maybe calling the police on him when he beats u up will help? Get your own room for gutka sahib? Also do lots of sukhmani sahib de paath and do ardaas that guruji there is noone to help. My parents say i must endure this. His parents dont help. I have only you, please help.

 

What are we in a third world country? 

 

If u leave and dont have a job, get benefits till u find one. If you can't afford a flat, rent a room in a shared a shared or house. Your parents sound retarded. Why on earth would any parent ask their own child to stay with a spastic and be beaten up.

 

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1 hour ago, Lionesswoman said:

What are we in a third world country? 

 

If u leave and dont have a job, get benefits till u find one. If you can't afford a flat, rent a room in a shared a shared or house. Your parents sound retarded. Why on earth would any parent ask their own child to stay with a spastic and be beaten up.

 

I love your straight talking! lol

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Agreed! There is absolutely no excuse for anyone to stay with an abusive partner. Anyone who expects their child to ensure that, are not Sikhs. In fact any parent who wants their child to remain in an abusive relationship to save face in front of the community, I wouldn't even call them human! Leaving will take courage and shows huge inner strength and that should be an admired trait. 

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