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Rishta problem


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I agree, the OP's family shouldn't have said they will do checks on the girl to the girls family. No wonder the mother of as taken aback, that's something you just don't say whichever side you are on. You're lucky her mother didn't say back to your family, that they will do checks on you too.

I've just gone back to read your post OP, and some things need to be questioned. Why does she have to be tall and pretty? Tall, I may understand, if you're a real tall guy, but how do you define pretty? How pretty does the you are going to marry have to be? Like is there a certain way she should look? Educated is understandable too, so that you can communicate together as you would have the same level of education. But the last one, quite well off? So? I hope you're not expecting to receive anything from them. And even if your family is well off, then would you not consider a girl from a family that's not so well off? If not, then why? 

What does her sister have to do with your marriage ? The girls karm are her own, and her sister's are her own. You can't base a marriage on another sibling's qualities. Talking of qualities, apart from seeing she's pretty and her family being well off, did you see any other qualities of her, like what her personality is like, her moral values, her nature in general? There's no mention of her as a person at all in your post. Makes me wonder do you want to marry what you see that looks good or what's beneath as her soul as a person? 

And you shouldn't ask here if you should accept the rishta of decline it, because you're the one that would be marrying her, not us. We don't know her and her family, or you, that's the decision you and your family need to make. 

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On 4/18/2017 at 10:14 PM, Guest Question said:

So a rishti wali had given my mother a potential match for me to go a visit, the girl ticks all the boxes in what we are looking for, she is tall, pretty, educated and her family are quite well off.

I went to meet her and the family along with my mother, father and two sisters and we thought the family came across nice, the mother of the daughter was a little over bearing but we just put it down to nerves, I had some "alone" time with the girl in the front room and I got to chat a little with her, she seems down to earth and is even more pretty in real life than on the photo, I must admit i do fancy her abit.

after the meet up my mother told the girls mum that we will let them know in a few days time but before that will be doing some check, the girl mum looked abit taken aback that we wanted to do checks but agreed.

anyway long story short, my mother has found out that the girl has an older sister that we were not told about and this sister has been gone from the family for over 10 years now. Apparently she has ran away from home and is own with a Muslim guy. The family hasn't seen her since but I'm not sure if this rishta is right?

i do like the girl but it's strange that her sister ran off, why did she run off, what if the girl is like her sister, I find it worrying that the family of the girl didn't tell us about there other daughter when we asked how many siblings the girl had, they never mentioned the oldest sister.

should we decline the rishta or should I give it the benefit of the doubt and go ahead with the rishta? 

I find it hard to believe that the girl would not be in contact with her other sister, even under the circumstances you mentioned. Girly bonding is a powerful thing - I cannot for one second see them not being in touch - even if it is secretly. Another thing you have to consider is that there may be some sort of reconciliation in the family in future - it's very common. And then you'll have to deal with the situation of your own children having first cousins (essentially brothers and sisters in our culture) who are half you know what. 

That being said, the runaway girl's actions are her own and shouldn't be foisted on the family. But be careful that the mother is not some oblivious fool though, someone who doesn't know how to bond with her kids properly because as others have alluded too, the daughter might have these dynamics imprinted in her psyche - albeit unwittingly.  

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Guest Guest Helper

Bro,

I would be careful with this alliance. Girl`s mother not telling you about the "other" sibling is a warning sign, there might be other things they could be hiding, such as "Being in contact" but not allowing her into the house as it may affect the potential to get a match for the younger sibling.

You have to consider all the possibilities and outcomes, and make this decision wisely, it could have an effect on your relationship in the future and regardless of the younger sibling being in contact or not with her older sister, 9/10 times, a younger sibling will tend to be like their older sibling. So if you decide to go ahead with this alliance, there is 10% chance this girl will be different and better than her older sibling.

The odds are clearly stacked against you, if you want to take the risk, go ahead or just tell the girl`s family I want to spend more time with the girl to learn her behavior. Human tendency is to look/act their best when attracting a mate, however look closely and you may observe warning signs, is she has any!!!

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If this is UK,  be very careful.

You say her "mother was over bearing" and her "sister ran away".  Which means the remaining sister must have been under pressure to please the mother and be the good one

It seems like the mother calls the shot. Find out how educated the mother is, what she does in her free time etc

 

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There are two elements to look at here: the girl herself, and her background, family etc. She might be a true gurmukh. She might already know nitnem. But you've already judged her because of her background. If you feel she is suitable, then spend some time to chat further and get to know her. Ask her all the questions about stuff that you'd want to know before marriage. I met some girls who saw a gurdwara as a place to go for weddings and functions but would never go just to visit Guru Ji. 

Her background is a different matter. What are the rest of the family like? How much does she get on with them? Would you get on with them?

 

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Guest Question

Hi  everyone,

thanks for all your comments and feedback, just a quick update, me and my family sat down and thought about it and have decided to reject the rishta on the reason of the mother only. she seemed rather over the top friendly, pushy and a little too keen, also I only got to spend about 10 minutes with the girl in private before the mother came in to the room and started talking for the girl, telling me about her job and her hobbies and how she is so good and can cook saag very well.

I also had a snoop on the girls FB account, she seems rather "lonely" doesn't have many real outside friends on her list other than people that look like family members on her fb list.

she seems like a nice girl but a little too supressed.

someone asked "why does she have to be pretty, tall and well of?"  well she doesn't have to be well of but myself and my family, since we are selfs are (thanks to wahegurus kirpa) "well off", we thought that  its would be best to marry in to a family that is also ok money wise.

as in why does she have to be tall well im 6ft2 and all the girls I have seen have been around 5ft5 5ft6 the most and I personally  just feel awkward marrying someone so short (sorry if I sound shallow). the girl I have ejected is 5ft9 ish looking, the tallest girl I have seen so far, she suited me very well height wise, shame about the mother.

anyway pray I find a match soon...

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Guest Jacfsing2
3 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

Most clued-up families do a considerable amount of digging into the background of the person and wider family in question. It's the smart thing to do. Why would you take everything you're fed by a family and their prospective match at face value? I know a few good families who've spared themselves and their daughters a whole world of pain by checking up on the prospective groom, only to discover he's going out with someone on the side, or he's a hardcore druggie. Yet, mommy at the time of the rishta discussion was giving the impression that her little boy barely leaves the confines of the family home!

What you DON'T do is to blurt out, without any sense of tact, that you're planning on conducting those checks to the very people you're checking up on, lol. The standard, polite line is, "We'll sit down as a family and discuss this possible engagement, and then we'll get back to you." That's how it's phrased. Money buys a heck of a lot of things, but it can't help when it comes to conducting yourself with class. 

If O.P. went into any respected family, (this is not a respected family), and either him or his parents directly said, "I'm just going to continue checking on your daughter", he would be kicked out in a heartbeat. The minute the mother of the girl heard this, and she didn't react to defend her daughter, you know that despite her probably being attractive she doesn't have many choices in suitors because of her family. In our community we usually have more men than women, so it's expected that her demands should be higher in normal circumstances. (Again if this were a respected family). 

If anyone came to any of my female Rishtadhars and said the same buffoonery line of a statement, you can tell that there will be no Rishte; even if you have many good qualities. Nobody wants to give-up a daughter, but that line makes it seem like you take it as some game.

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