Not Sardar Jokes : Stand-Up Comedy by Vikramjit Singh

[harsharan000]

 

A tale of "beggars" ....

 

In New York, two beggars were sitting side by side, one with "OM" sign and the other with "CROSS" sign.

People passing that area were giving dirty ? look to the beggar carrying the OM sign but giving a dollar to the one carrying the CROSS sign.

This was going on, when a father of a church was passing by and noticed this. He came to beggar who was carrying the OM sign and told him that you are in a country, where people follow Christianity.

You being a Hindu, will hardly get any alms.

Just to make you feel jealous and frustrated, people are giving dollars to your counterpart.

After the Father left, the beggar carrying the OM sign said the following in Gujarati to his counterpart:-

"Jignesh Bhai"?

"Yes Mansukh Bhai"

Now, this Father is trying to teach us how to do business.

[harsharan000]

 

An Islamic preacher  got into a  cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie :
'' Brother, Please Turn Off the radio, because as decreed by holy Q'uran, I must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western Music, which is the Music Of The Infidel......''

The cab driver Politely Switched Off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The preacher questioned him :
'' Brother, What are you doing.....???? ''

The Cabbie Answered Politely :
" In the time of the prophet there were :

No Taxis,
 No Bombs,
No Plane Hijacks,
No West Invented Loud Speakers in Mosques that woke Up newly born, Elderly And The Sick At Unearthly Hours,
_No Suicide Attacks,
 No RDX,
No AK 56,
ONLY  '' PEACE '' Everywhere...

So Shut Up , Get out And Wait For A Camel......."

[harsharan000]

A Student who got 0% Marks, was surprised because his all answers were seemingly correct !
Read his answers and have a blast.

Q.1 - In which battle did Tipu Sultan Die ?..

Ans. - In his Last Battle..

Q.2 - Where was the Declaration of Independence Signed?

Ans. - At the Bottom of the Page..

Q.3 - What is the Main Reason for Divorce ?..

Ans. - Marriage..

Q.4 - Ganga Flows in which State ?..

Ans. - Liquid State..

Q.5 - When was Mahatma Gandhi Born ?..

Ans.- On His Birthday..

Q.6 - How will you Distribute 8 Mangoes among 6 People ?..

Ans - By Preparing Mango Shake..!!

Q.7 - India Me saal bhar Sabse Zyada Baraf Kaha Girti Hai...???

Awesome Reply By Student :- "Daaru K Glass Me..."

Q. 8 - Why Hindu Law does not permit Second Marriage...???

Answer :
Indian Constitution - Article 20(2)-says, "No man can be punished twice for same offence"

[Bhagat Singh]

32 minutes ago, harsharan000 said:

Q.6 - How will you Distribute 8 Mangoes among 6 People ?..

Ans - By Preparing Mango Shake..!!

Now this type of out of the box thinking,  is a lesson that we can apply to our daily lives.

 

[harsharan000]

 

Job Interview.

 

OFFICER:- What is your name?

Manoj :-  M.P. sir

OFFICER:- In full please

Manoj :-  Manoj Pandey

OFFICER:- Your father's name?

Manoj:-  M.P. sir

OFFICER:- What does that mean?

Manoj:-  Madan Pandey

OFFICER:- Your native place?

Manoj:   M.P. sir

OFFICER:- What's that?

*Manoj:-  Madhya pradesh

OFFICER:- What is your qualification?

Manoj:-  M.P.

OFFICER:- (angry) What is that?!!!

Manoj:-  Matric Pass

OFFICER:- So why do you need a job?

Manoj:-   It is because of M.P. sir

OFFICER:   Meaning?

Manoj:-  Money Problem

OFFICER:- Would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time?

What's your  personality like?

Manoj:    MP sir.

OFFICER:   And what is that?

Manoj:-  Marvelous Personality

OFFICER:- I see... I will get back to you.

Manoj:-  Sir, how was M.P. sir?

OFFICER:- And what's that again?

Manoj:-   My Performance.

OFFICER:-  I think you have M.P.

Manoj:-   Meaning?

OFFICER:-  Mental Problem!!!
...
Don't laugh alone.
Send this to M.P. (Many People) 
to put a smile on their faces. 

I have sent this to u, because u are M.P. (My People).

[harsharan000]

 

When I reached office, I got a call from my wife..."what is the date today?" .. 

I was wondering..then told her 28th June.

call disconnected...

I was wondering ( rather FRIGHTENED... )...

her birthday?....... No

...mine............       No...()

......anniversary..........   no

.......  son's birthday ..........   no

in laws' bday/anniversary....   no

gas booking........     done

utility payments........done

 Then?!

Why date???

Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions...

reached home...

Junior was playing in car park...

Asked him....

how is the weather in kitchen? Tornado... tsunami???

Boy told " all normal. Why?"

" your mom asked me..what is the date today in the morning?"

Boy smiled and told me...

"I tore some sheets from the calendar in the morning...

she was confused.."

Being husband is a tough job.

Dedicated to all husbands in the world!!

[harsharan000]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[harsharan000]

 

A Gujarati Lady visited a Bar for the First Time,

She Sat at the Table in Front of the Bar Tender..

A Guy at Her Left side ordered: "Jack Daniels, Single"

A Guy at Her Right Side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"

The Bar Tender Looked at the Lady & said: And You..??

Lady replied: "BHARTIBEN THAKKAR MARRIED."

[harsharan000]

 

Enough about  jokes on wives. Now somethng for husband...

 

A new metal is added to chemistry:

• Name - Husband
• Symbol - Hb
• Atomic weight:
         - Light when found 
            first
         - Tends to get heavier
             over the years with
             time

• Physical properties:
         - Boils at any time 
            with inlaws
         - Can freeze in front 
            of his own family
         - Melts if sees other 
            women
         - Very bitter if
            questioned

• Chemical properties:
         - Very reactive
         - Highly unstable
         - Possesses strong
            resistance to gold,
            silver, diamond,
            platinum, credit
            cards and cheque  
            books
         - Money saving agent

• Occurrence:

         - Mostly found in
            front of TV, Laptop & Mobile.
.

✒...if we lose a pen, we can buy new one;  but if we lose a pen cap, we cannot buy it...so love your husband, because all Dhakkans are important

Always keep your husbands picture as mobile screen saver. Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say: if I can handle this, I can handle anything!... 

Finally -Living with husband is a part of living.........but living with the same husband for years is 'art of living'!!!!!!!
Cheers to all  women.

[harsharan000]