Intercaste Marriage Situation

[Guest Joe Marji]

WJKK WJKF,

I have been wanting to marry a girl who belongs to another caste. We've been together for a few years now and have been trying to move our relationship forward. My parents have been adament on not letting this happen whereas her parents are ready to move forward since the day my partner convinced them to overlook my caste. Despite me trying to explain to my parents that she is what I would want as my life partner and what our house would need as a daughter in law (ie. family-centric, caring, vegetarian, wants to progress in Sikhi with me, and etc.), caste is the only thing they see. My parents have even said said to let her go and find someone in my caste and they'll be happy (which is funny because there are not that many people of my "caste" around me anyways so regardless, it would have been be impossible for me to even find anyone unless they'd want me to marry my cousins or distant cousins lol). Ideally they want to arrange my marriage. I have explained so much that these caste differentials are not important anymore now and should've never been. And that Gurbani itself condemns this many times. I guess I can't bring Gurbani more into this as I would be a hypocrite since I am still struggling in some aspects of Sikhi and gradually working towards a Gurmat mindset. 

But anyways, they don't want to listen. They are worried more about what will relatives think and that our so called "enemies" will laugh at our family. And they keep saying they had so many "reeja" for my marriage (I think this would translate to expectations of getting me married in their idealistic way).

I feel like the underlying issue is that they don't want to "lose" their son as they feel like they won't have as much "control", for lack of a better word, if my wife turns out to be a total nutshell and destroys the family or something lol. I tried to console them on this matter as my partner isn't that way and wants to live within my family in harmony. I have always been the obedient child out of choice so they won't have to deal with any extra nonsense in life from my end (until now I guess in their perspective). With Guru ji's Kirpa, I've graduated, have a well paying job, and carry my own weight. I continue to live at home and have my share of family responsibilities. I believe it's my duty. I have done nothing to show my parents that I can't make logical/well thought out decisions in life. So I'm not sure why they can't trust my decision of being with my partner.

My partner wants to live the same lifestyle with my family as that is what she was looking for as well. I can't think of being with anybody else. The over-infatuation or honeymoon phase is long gone and we want to convert our relationship into a life of living responsibly with Sikh values and subtracting the negative Punjabi cultural values (flashing wealth, caste discrimination, gender discrimination, alcoholism, God-men Dera worship, chuggli nindya, you name it). How can I convince my parents? It has been taking me so long trying to convince them and has taken a toll on my mental health. I don't want to elope and run away from home as that would not be Gurmat. It would tear me apart and be unfair to her family as they have been understanding and are basically on standby until my family is on board. Has anybody else been in a similar situation? Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

[Guest No castes in Sikhi]

 

[Guest Castes are *********]

On 28/01/2018 at 7:07 PM, Guest Joe Marji said:

WJKK WJKF,

I have been wanting to marry a girl who belongs to another caste. We've been together for a few years now and have been trying to move our relationship forward. My parents have been adament on not letting this happen whereas her parents are ready to move forward since the day my partner convinced them to overlook my caste. Despite me trying to explain to my parents that she is what I would want as my life partner and what our house would need as a daughter in law (ie. family-centric, caring, vegetarian, wants to progress in Sikhi with me, and etc.), caste is the only thing they see. My parents have even said said to let her go and find someone in my caste and they'll be happy (which is funny because there are not that many people of my "caste" around me anyways so regardless, it would have been be impossible for me to even find anyone unless they'd want me to marry my cousins or distant cousins lol). Ideally they want to arrange my marriage. I have explained so much that these caste differentials are not important anymore now and should've never been. And that Gurbani itself condemns this many times. I guess I can't bring Gurbani more into this as I would be a hypocrite since I am still struggling in some aspects of Sikhi and gradually working towards a Gurmat mindset. 

But anyways, they don't want to listen. They are worried more about what will relatives think and that our so called "enemies" will laugh at our family. And they keep saying they had so many "reeja" for my marriage (I think this would translate to expectations of getting me married in their idealistic way).

I feel like the underlying issue is that they don't want to "lose" their son as they feel like they won't have as much "control", for lack of a better word, if my wife turns out to be a total nutshell and destroys the family or something lol. I tried to console them on this matter as my partner isn't that way and wants to live within my family in harmony. I have always been the obedient child out of choice so they won't have to deal with any extra nonsense in life from my end (until now I guess in their perspective). With Guru ji's Kirpa, I've graduated, have a well paying job, and carry my own weight. I continue to live at home and have my share of family responsibilities. I believe it's my duty. I have done nothing to show my parents that I can't make logical/well thought out decisions in life. So I'm not sure why they can't trust my decision of being with my partner.

My partner wants to live the same lifestyle with my family as that is what she was looking for as well. I can't think of being with anybody else. The over-infatuation or honeymoon phase is long gone and we want to convert our relationship into a life of living responsibly with Sikh values and subtracting the negative Punjabi cultural values (flashing wealth, caste discrimination, gender discrimination, alcoholism, God-men Dera worship, chuggli nindya, you name it). How can I convince my parents? It has been taking me so long trying to convince them and has taken a toll on my mental health. I don't want to elope and run away from home as that would not be Gurmat. It would tear me apart and be unfair to her family as they have been understanding and are basically on standby until my family is on board. Has anybody else been in a similar situation? Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

This is just a theory but could work, this is the ideal outcome, situation: a boy wants to marry a girl but parents say no cause of caste.

Answer : So he said this if you, listen to me, do paath, keep hair, stop alcohol, stop meat and look at the meaning of gurbani then i will do anything you say. If you dont then i will never talk to you. They laughed and thought he was joking. But he was not. 

Day 1, his parents try to talk to him and say why arent you talking back to us. He said do what i say and i will listen.

Day 7, the parents start to worry as he has not talking to them even for a moment

Day 14 , they agree to do paath but say we will slowly stop eating meat and drinking alchol, (he start to talk a little bit, but not as much)

Day 19 they start keeping hair

Day 30 ,they stop drinking alchol and meat, they throw these things outside ( he talks to them but only 15 times a day)

Day 50, they do everything he says and start looking at the meaning of gurbani., (he starts to talking normally like nothing had happened)

Day 60, they allow him to marry the girl he wants and reliase they were wrong.

Eventually they keep rehat and becoms amritdhair.

 

What i would do is not talk with your parents for 2 weeks, live with them but not talk, they will eventually say ok, as you are firm in your decision.

[Guest]

I hate caste so much. It's literally everywhere. Especially in schools, there is this social hierarchy thing going on and apparently the bullies are at the top and the normal people are the peasants. Like seriously...

[Guest Jagsaw_Singh]

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I hate caste so much

Everybody hates caste so much. It's like saying you hate murder so much. It's so obvious that it's a thing to hate you don't really need to pen to paper and say it.

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It's literally everywhere.

No it's literally nowhere. It's literally everywhere in your head because you choose to see it in everything.

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Especially in schools,

No, especially not in schools.

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there is this social hierarchy thing going on

Yes this social hierarchy thing also goes on in every village, town and city in every country in every continent on earth. Sometimes it is based on class and sometimes it's just based on little differences, for example an Italian's family may not want their son/daughter to marry a Swede because although they're both European, the Italian family may feel the differences in culture, food and mannerisms will make them a bad fit and the grandchildren will lose some of that culture. This is not based on 'caste' or any type of hate or feelings of 'superiority'. These little differences are real and they exist all over the world. Only you to choose to call it 'caste'. You have conditioned your eyes into seeing 'caste' in things, and not only that....you've chosen to see a 16th century version of caste.

p.s on the 2nd post of this thread, a user has chosen to post an NKJ video in order to demonstrate the 'evils of caste'. Unfortunately, that poster does not see the irony of a video of man blaming 'jatt's for casteism whilst sitting in a Ramgharia Gurdwara for which the constitution says only Ramgharias can stand for and be elected committee members.

[Guest Been there]

There a simple thing in Western Countries you are over 18 so live on your own. Learn to live a life and marry this person even if it means to isolate yourself from what you call family. God is with your and that is the real family. Be Alert like a Khalsa. Do your Nitnem along with who you wish to be your spouse. Do Simran. Don't be afraid. Remember your current problem is you are stuck in a dream turned nightmare once you realize you are awake then everything will be well. It is that simple in the Western Countries. I can't really speak for UK because you were brought over by the British who ruled your nation.