Sikhi and dating

[Guest Confused]

I'm confused about something. I hear in sikhi you can't date but then how are you possibly supposed to get married to someone? Can someone please give the maryada for this? The dating maryada and how you would do it the Gurmat way? Thanks

[BhForce]

2 hours ago, Guest Confused said:

I'm confused about something. I hear in sikhi you can't date but then how are you possibly supposed to get married to someone? Can someone please give the maryada for this? The dating maryada and how you would do it the Gurmat way? Thanks

It's good that you're asking. It's obvious that you must not have any proper grounding in Sikh history, otherwise you would not wonder how people get married in the Sikh panth. 

By the way, are you a Sikh? If so, it's strange that you're asking how you're supposed to get married without dating. You get married in the same way your parents got married, or their parents.

The Gurmat way of getting married is when you're old enough to marry, they find someone suitable, and you get married. There are variations on that, you'll likely want to meet and talk with the prospective marriage partner, and so on, but that's basically it. By "suitable" I mean someone who, in your parents estimation and experience, is someone who is responsible, educated, employed, and also attractive. And from a good family with a good reputation. Plus who follows Gurmat (to whatever extent that you do). I.e., if you're amritdhari, he/she should be amritdhari. Or keshadhari/keshadhari. Or mona Sikh/mona Sikh.

If you have all of those items checked, it's very likely the marriage will succeed. If you're missing one of those, the marriage will very likely fail. "Love marriages" are usually missing one of those items.

Sitting around in a bar hitting on girls is not the Gurmat way of getting married. I don't have time to do a huge writeup right now, but suffice to say that someone who starts his journey towards marriage by flirting with any pretty young thing that walks past him is also someone who will have a wandering eye after marriage. Secondly, the dating culture automatically leads to an arms race of sexualizing young women as they try to use lower and lower necklines, higher and higher hemlines, and tighter and tighter clothes to attract the attention of potential dating mates. Finally, we're called to treat women as mothers, sisters, and daughters, which is the furthest thing from the mindset of a dater, someone who's on the prowl.

The Gurmat way of marriage is simply the way that our Gurus got married, the way they spent 200 years on this earth teaching us how to live like Gurmukhs.

Note: this does not mean you have to marry someone who wears a chola with a 1 ft dumalla turban. If you're lax in Sikhi observance, that's fine, just have your parents find someone who is at the same level as you.

[Guest Confused]

So you're basically saying it has to be arranged Marriage? What if your parents arent amritdhari and pick someone who is mona and non amritdhari for you (a girl picked for a boy) 

 

Please dont make assumptions about me - you don't know the story behind everyone asking questions or the background to their query and I'm not going into it so I'll let it go but be mindful on what accusations you make 

[harsharan000]

3 hours ago, BhForce said:

It's good that you're asking. It's obvious that you must not have any proper grounding in Sikh history, otherwise you would not wonder how people get married in the Sikh panth. 

By the way, are you a Sikh? If so, it's strange that you're asking how you're supposed to get married without dating. You get married in the same way your parents got married, or their parents.

The Gurmat way of getting married is when you're old enough to marry, they find someone suitable, and you get married. There are variations on that, you'll likely want to meet and talk with the prospective marriage partner, and so on, but that's basically it. By "suitable" I mean someone who, in your parents estimation and experience, is someone who is responsible, educated, employed, and also attractive. And from a good family with a good reputation. Plus who follows Gurmat (to whatever extent that you do). I.e., if you're amritdhari, he/she should be amritdhari. Or keshadhari/keshadhari. Or mona Sikh/mona Sikh.

If you have all of those items checked, it's very likely the marriage will succeed. If you're missing one of those, the marriage will very likely fail. "Love marriages" are usually missing one of those items.

Sitting around in a bar hitting on girls is not the Gurmat way of getting married. I don't have time to do a huge writeup right now, but suffice to say that someone who starts his journey towards marriage by flirting with any pretty young thing that walks past him is also someone who will have a wandering eye after marriage. Secondly, the dating culture automatically leads to an arms race of sexualizing young women as they try to use lower and lower necklines, higher and higher hemlines, and tighter and tighter clothes to attract the attention of potential dating mates. Finally, we're called to treat women as mothers, sisters, and daughters, which is the furthest thing from the mindset of a dater, someone who's on the prowl.

The Gurmat way of marriage is simply the way that our Gurus got married, the way they spent 200 years on this earth teaching us how to live like Gurmukhs.

Note: this does not mean you have to marry someone who wears a chola with a 1 ft dumalla turban. If you're lax in Sikhi observance, that's fine, just have your parents find someone who is at the same level as you.

Just simply a fantastic answer, whether from a spiritual perspective or even as a  healthy human perspective.

[H908]

What accusations did @BhForce make towards you?

also hes right. Talk to your parents and depending on your gender find a solution to how youre going to find a mate. It doesmt have to be a totalitarian method but an egalitarian one. Worl with your parents if they’re understanding. And the criteria are the ones bhaji outlined above

[ipledgeblue]

quite simply, the modern definition of dating is not compatible with grihast dharam.

[Guest Kaur 2]

VJKK VJKF

Dating in itself is not practical. You find a good looking guy/girl and you live like a married couple for a couple of weeks or months and then break up and then its like: "Chalo Ji onto the next one". Would Guru Ji want us living like this? Absolutely not! Everything Guru Ji says has a practical and a spiritual reason. Don't feel like any of us are having a go at you, we are simply explaining to you the gurmat way of things. Maharaj kirpa, I have never dated and I wouldn't want to either, knowing that its wrong and the reasons why.   

VJKK VJKF

[Guest guest]

On 26/03/2018 at 2:24 PM, Guest Confused said:

So you're basically saying it has to be arranged Marriage? What if your parents arent amritdhari and pick someone who is mona and non amritdhari for you (a girl picked for a boy) 

 

Please dont make assumptions about me - you don't know the story behind everyone asking questions or the background to their query and I'm not going into it so I'll let it go but be mindful on what accusations you make 

you can do it with some formality for yourself- it depends on your age also I suppose.  you say 'Gurmat way' in your question so i think you implying for khalsa-sikh?

but there needs to be some other respectable people involved, preferably elders.  unless it happens in some respectable setting by itself.  for example you meet another Gursikh at work, decide you cold be a married couple (no dating!) and then express the same to your families or an elder to start the preceeding arrangments to marriage on your behalf.

maybe if you meet someone you like (in some formal context), then you make clear your mutual interest to your own families and they initiate proceedings by planning a formal context (public meetings) where you can discuss you suitability with the girl further.

or one person sees the other, likes the person, and communicates the same to an elder, who contacts the other persons family and arranged a formal meeting at one another's house where the two people in question get an opportunity to sit aside and discuss their compatibility.

or someone is looking for rishta with specific criteria (Gursikh of certain age, of certain background, of whatever education level or not).  another party is interested.  they arrange for mutual viewing or showing of photos.  then if the two agree they can meet further.

lots of people, Gursikh or not, get married without dating.

maybe you mean how two people who don't know each other get married, it is assumed that (with Gursikhs at least?) you both have some level of maturity and understanding of how to act (with reserve, seriousness, consideration) and respect other people.  

[Guest guest]

On 26/03/2018 at 2:24 PM, Guest Confused said:

What if your parents arent amritdhari and pick someone who is mona and non amritdhari for you (a girl picked for a boy) 

it could work, although formally a Gursikh is meant to marry a Gursikh.  Obviously the other partner (a girl in this case) needs to be clear on what that means etc which is obvious anyway right?  basically you are a vegetarian, and yourself an early riser, and can't yourself involve in non-sikh religious practices.

[ipledgeblue]