Dad verbally abusing mum

[Guest Sikh]

My dad occasionally gets angry with my mum in arguments (and they always argue) and resorts to swearing at her and shouting her and my mum is defenseless. And he has in the pas the gone for me and tried to hit me when I was a lot younger. I'm amritdhari now so I have to be conscious of my actions and words. Usually when my dad does this I listen it and the first time he shouts I'll allow it but after 2 times I go and intervene but then he starts getting angry and shouts at me and at this point he looks like he's about to nuts. If has a go at me Idc but if he's having a go at my mum or sister or whoever then I can't see that happen. Can I have a go at him in return if the situation plays itself out or not?

thanks sangat jio 

 

[S4NGH]

Try to diffuse the situation by removing yourself/your mother from the situation. Walk away. Remain silent, ignore the comments. Take your mother away. Into another room. Upstairs/downstairs; away from your father. Give him space, let him vent. It's hard to listen and witness it all but sometimes by interposing oneself, we end up making things worse. It may give the impression that we're taking sides; a "they're all against me" sort of thing. It's hard to remain silent whilst watching our mothers in that situation but we must have patience.

Every couple argues. Everyone's parents argue. Sometimes with the stress of things, we lose control of our krodh even with those we love most. You shouldn't have a go at him; he is your father. It's difficult, I know. Try to understand him, the root of the problem. What's causing him to get angry and swear at those he loves most?... Must be something big...

Try to establish what triggers your fathers anger. Work related stress? Financial issues? Family issues? Etc. And then see how you can help lighten that burden.

Of course if things get out of hand; it gets physical, then obviously you need to intervene without retaliating. Seek help if you need to. Domestic abuse is no small matter and nothing to be ashamed of. Maharaj kirpa kare, it won't come to that.

Have patience. Practice restraint as you are (you mentioned you've become more conscious of your actions and words since taking amrit- congratulations). These things take time but they do get better. Have faith. Feel free to PM me. Create an account etc.

My two pence worth. Bhul chuk muaf ji. Vaheguru ji ka khalsa Vaheguru ji ki fateh ji

[Guest]

WJKK WJKF

I was going to make a thread on this but I forgot, so I will post it here.

I was going through the pretty same situation

 

Before I was born, my Mum and Dad worked in my grandad's factory. My dad used to steal money from the factory to get drugs. When they found out, my grandad beat up my dad in the factory in front of everyone.

When I was around 3-4, my Dad did it again, buying and using drugs. My Mum then confronted him, and guess what happened? My mum got beat up in front of my 2 year old brother and me. (I was playing with my toys and my brother kept crying about mum, me being used to it. I finally checked what's up and saw my mum getting beat up.) This was happening every day. My grandad and grandmum were not home to supervise so it was pretty tough.

Around 3-4 years back, my dad arrived really late from work. My Mum called up work and found out he didn't check in. When she confronted him, guess what happened? She got beat up, again. This time my grandad was there to break it off, and my mum's hand got burnt in the process. 

Ever since, my dad would steal jewelry from my mum, sold expensive items in the household for drugs. I was so pissed off that I wanted to just fight him and beat him up. With the correct mentoring techniques I managed to get past this.

One time it got so bad that my mum kicked him out the house and my grandad agreed. He keeps coming back somehow which I don't want because I feel at risk.

This all happened before and after I took amrit. 

I can't hold in the rage anymore of just taking action. 

 

For now, my dad is fine, he got a new high paying job and is calm but I feel something is going to happen pretty soon.

There have been times where we got him spoken to Sikh councilors but it didn't work.

 

Anyways, I seriously hope no one has to go through what I have gone through/what I am going through.

WJKK WJKF

[Guest]

1 hour ago, lostconfussedsingh said:

Brother that is very very sad that you have to witness this as a kid growing up. Even i felt sad reading this but you are so lucky that you have taken amrit you are very blessed.

 

What people don't understand how the home life effects a person's development like my mum always shouting screaming which made me bottle up everything inside which is now taking its toll on my mental heath now as i am suffering ptsd depression. 

 

Like in my case it was always arguments big ones over other people like relatives or even friends that my parents would fight with me over so i just developed a lot of hate in me towards those people and thats where everything went wrong at the age of 16/17 for me.

Thanks bro.

I can relate somehow. Whenever I hear loud, rapid footsteps I start to get anxious and I'd get someone to check what's going on upstairs. It's a scary feeling.

[Guest]

Just now, lostconfussedsingh said:

Bro, its not a nice feeling to have i can assure that. Its a terrrible way to have a upbringing. 

 

It does sound scary how you get annioxious whenever you hear footsteps. Have you thought of getting any advice from gp dr like counselling cbt or anti depressiants ? 

As these things can create a problem in the long run especially as i know from experince i should have gotten help at the age which you are at right now. Not that i am suggesting it can happen to you but just to help prevent this.

I don't know how but my head of year at school asked me about my dad (I don't know how she found out). The good thing is that she assigned me a school mentor to check on me every once in a while and I am entitled to coming to them any time in the school day.

[Guest Kaur 2]

VJKK VJKF

19 hours ago, monatosingh said:

WJKK WJKF

I was going to make a thread on this but I forgot, so I will post it here.

I was going through the pretty same situation

 

Before I was born, my Mum and Dad worked in my grandad's factory. My dad used to steal money from the factory to get drugs. When they found out, my grandad beat up my dad in the factory in front of everyone.

When I was around 3-4, my Dad did it again, buying and using drugs. My Mum then confronted him, and guess what happened? My mum got beat up in front of my 2 year old brother and me. (I was playing with my toys and my brother kept crying about mum, me being used to it. I finally checked what's up and saw my mum getting beat up.) This was happening every day. My grandad and grandmum were not home to supervise so it was pretty tough.

Around 3-4 years back, my dad arrived really late from work. My Mum called up work and found out he didn't check in. When she confronted him, guess what happened? She got beat up, again. This time my grandad was there to break it off, and my mum's hand got burnt in the process. 

Ever since, my dad would steal jewelry from my mum, sold expensive items in the household for drugs. I was so pissed off that I wanted to just fight him and beat him up. With the correct mentoring techniques I managed to get past this.

One time it got so bad that my mum kicked him out the house and my grandad agreed. He keeps coming back somehow which I don't want because I feel at risk.

This all happened before and after I took amrit. 

I can't hold in the rage anymore of just taking action. 

 

For now, my dad is fine, he got a new high paying job and is calm but I feel something is going to happen pretty soon.

There have been times where we got him spoken to Sikh councilors but it didn't work.

 

Anyways, I seriously hope no one has to go through what I have gone through/what I am going through.

WJKK WJKF

That's so sad to hear veerji, I don't know what advice to give but can you play Sukhmani Sahib in the house on the weekends as you are at school on the weekdays? I feel that could help keep peace and a light mood in the house. I haven't really been in the same situation, I have witnessed my parents arguing but then they resolve the issue and then its fine again. Its so sad to know what others are going through in life. Make your mum happy (no doubt you already do but still...) and don't hold any ill feelings towards your dad. Maybe there is something that you don't know and that maybe his actions could be a cry for help? I don't know but just my twopence worth.

Hoping that things get better for you,

Guest Kaur 2

VJKK VJKF

[Guest Me too]

On 5/3/2018 at 12:38 PM, monatosingh said:

WJKK WJKF

I was going to make a thread on this but I forgot, so I will post it here.

I was going through the pretty same situation

 

Before I was born, my Mum and Dad worked in my grandad's factory. My dad used to steal money from the factory to get drugs. When they found out, my grandad beat up my dad in the factory in front of everyone.

When I was around 3-4, my Dad did it again, buying and using drugs. My Mum then confronted him, and guess what happened? My mum got beat up in front of my 2 year old brother and me. (I was playing with my toys and my brother kept crying about mum, me being used to it. I finally checked what's up and saw my mum getting beat up.) This was happening every day. My grandad and grandmum were not home to supervise so it was pretty tough.

Around 3-4 years back, my dad arrived really late from work. My Mum called up work and found out he didn't check in. When she confronted him, guess what happened? She got beat up, again. This time my grandad was there to break it off, and my mum's hand got burnt in the process. 

Ever since, my dad would steal jewelry from my mum, sold expensive items in the household for drugs. I was so pissed off that I wanted to just fight him and beat him up. With the correct mentoring techniques I managed to get past this.

One time it got so bad that my mum kicked him out the house and my grandad agreed. He keeps coming back somehow which I don't want because I feel at risk.

This all happened before and after I took amrit. 

I can't hold in the rage anymore of just taking action. 

 

For now, my dad is fine, he got a new high paying job and is calm but I feel something is going to happen pretty soon.

There have been times where we got him spoken to Sikh councilors but it didn't work.

 

Anyways, I seriously hope no one has to go through what I have gone through/what I am going through.

WJKK WJKF

Oh bless you. 

My dad also used to beat my mum up on a regular basis. She stayed with him for years because of money and because she was too scared to leave because of brown people culture. 

Finally she kicked him out and now he gets scared of her. 

Best thing she ever did for herself. 

We suffered for years because she refused to leave and unfortunately a brother of mine has become similar to how my dad was. When you're not around that stuff anymore u wonder how u ever put yourself through all of that by tolerating it. It's self abuse. 

You and your mum need to kick him out or call the police on him. 

[Guest]

Call the police on him. Get him arrested. There we go. Job done!

[Guest]

On 5/3/2018 at 4:01 PM, lostconfussedsingh said:

Its strange though how your head of year found out about your personal home life. But its better than nothing that they are taking a step to help with the mentor from time to time.

 

You might want to get proper help though depending on how you feel with your stress levels from the dr gp with cbt counselling etc. 

I know right it's so weird. I hope she was just asking generally but the way she said it as if she knew. 

Everything seems calm noe though anything can happen, as soon as it does I am calling the police.

[Guest]

27 minutes ago, NonExistant said:

Call the police on him. Get him arrested. There we go. Job done!

Will do once it goes out of hand again.