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My marriage ... I am feeling gloomy lately , but I feel I am optionless . What should I do ? :(

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As you all are probably aware that I am engaged to this girl . However lately I am feeling gloomy since yesterday i think because for some reason I feel sad that I am marrying for lifetime to someone who I am not attracted to . I feel a big void in my life and as if in that void there can't be anything except pain and sorrow. 

Whenever me and my fiance talk to each other over phone, I never feel like intimacy , I feel like when will this call end , because it gets so odd and I don't know what to talk next. I feel like I fool myself into believing i like talking to her , however perhaps I don't . Or is it because we're not used to talking to each other yet. She lives in punjab and I am in mumbai.

On the contrary talking to my male friends is fun and its not scary or anything . 

On other hand sometimes i feel like I am cheating this girl and keeping her in dark and god is going to punish me big for this :( I don't want to destroy any girl's life , I hope to satisfy her in every way a husband can -- however I doubt the bedroom part sometimes . I feel like how will I live with a girl I have no bonding with for  a lifetime . Sometimes I question my decisions, other time I feel they're right because my parents are happy with her and I had little other option anyways.

I certainly don't feel like an excited happy youngster about to be married. Its more like a rite of passage for me , a part of my monotonous life . And I have no idea what else to do . I don't even feel like I can go back now . I have moved beyond that point.

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Tell her the truth, the world doesnt revolve around you. It is simply unethical, and paapi to keep that a secret from her. You are making your karmas worse by doing a saazish towards her. If you think you will get a life of sukh while ruining someones life, then you are mistaken. This IS ruining her life, she DESERVES love in all aspects, ask her yourself if you dont believe me. Her family has already suffered enough, they dont need another drama. Im sure if you tell them that youre a gay person theyd break the rishta themselves. This truly is kaliyug.

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Guest AjeetSinghPunjabi
8 minutes ago, Preeet said:

Tell her the truth, the world doesnt revolve around you. It is simply unethical, and paapi to keep that a secret from her. You are making your karmas worse by doing a saazish towards her. If you think you will get a life of sukh while ruining someones life, then you are mistaken. This IS ruining her life, she DESERVES love in all aspects, ask her yourself if you dont believe me. Her family has already suffered enough, they dont need another drama. Im sure if you tell them that youre a gay person theyd break the rishta themselves. This truly is kaliyug.

how can I say no now :/

the best i can do is to be loyal towards her and both of us becoming amritdhari and dedicating ourselves to spiritual pursuit along with householder life .

I don't want to make it worse for my own karma and I am not plotting against her as such . I don't have an agenda. Its just that I have no other option . I don't even have siblings on whom I can rely on for my old age. 

Edited by AjeetSinghPunjabi

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Not everything in marriage is about the bedroom stuff, there is more to marriage than that. Have you even spoken to her properly yet face to face, perhaps she has a great personality which will make you closer to her. how many times have you even met her? 

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8 minutes ago, AjeetSinghPunjabi said:

how can I say no now :/

the best i can do is to be loyal towards her and both of us becoming amritdhari and dedicating ourselves to spiritual pursuit along with householder life 

If youre not going to, then youre going to feel exactly how you are right now. If you want proof, then just look at your karmic consequences youre facing right now (not of being gay, but the karma out of chalaak sianpan ranjish saazish dokha). Just tell her over the phone. If you are going to be loyal towards her, then why make a topic? This is coming from a girl, we dont want to marry gays, unless specifically stated by a girl. Would you rather have her get a divorce and have a hard time finding a rishta afterwards, or just closing it now? I mean what would you do if you found out your daughters husband was gay, and he gave her no proper attention and she became hurt for the rest of her life? If youre not attracted to girls, they are like your sisters, how can you marry your sister.

Edited by Preeet

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Guest AjeetSinghPunjabi
16 minutes ago, Preeet said:

I mean what would you do if you found out your daughters husband was gay, and he gave her no proper attention and she became hurt for the rest of her life?

but why you assume I would give her no proper attention ? I think we're making some presumptions here 

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8 minutes ago, AjeetSinghPunjabi said:

but why you assume I would give her no proper attention ? I think we're making some presumptions here 

Attention as in intimacy. Immagine how offended shed feel.. say if 3 years later she finds out. Considering she is showing you bad attitude before marriage. Usually girls are at least always nice beforehand, and if she is causing you pain then why go through the trouble. Marriage isnt for everyone. Both of you do not want this, so stop before you disrespect sri anand karaj by getting a divorce or else youd have to give that lekha too. 

Edited by Preeet

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Guest Flopped

on a level bro - you really messed up seriously. Reading through your previous thread and now this one seriously you have no Leg to stand on. If you're a Sikh then you should understand that you stop pointing your finger towards others and towards yourself. Your constant excuse is that oh it's all these people that don't accept gays so I have to get married to a girl and not tell her and oh I'm not ruining her life cos I would give her give her attention even though I'm gay and I don't feel sexually attracted  look at yourself what the hell are you talking about. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Being gay isn't a curse like you're making it out to be. It's guru Ji's test for yourself. But you are really doing your best to make it out like the world is against you. You are seriously ruining this girls life and now it's you that has the audacity to say I'm feeling gloomily and I'm optionless... stop being a fool. You had the option to straight up tell her before that you were gay and you didn't. You've lied already. Well done. Oh btw your lavaan include instructions and one is on righteous actions so yeah well done for upholding that one before you even started. stop using this whole I'm gay thing as a way out of this situation. Your gift was being gay - it was a gift because tera kiya meeta laage and now you have tried playing sianpaa with Guru Ji and this whole website claiming that you feel gloomy because you had no choice you had the choice to tell her and if you didn't want to get married to her you should've been what a Sikh is - nirbhau no fear. If you're gay then be come out and say it bruv. Now essentially what youve done is beejai bikh mangai amrit dheko veku eho niauo. you're actually ruining this girls life and stop acting like you're not because you know you are inside. Why have you done this this is honestly so disgusting. This is no game this love you are playing with. Why the hell did you not just come out and be the singh (lion) you are and say you know what I'm gay and my guru made me like this and I will die for what my guru gave me (same reason we would rather die and let someone cut our hair - e.g. Sant kartar Singh Ji). Being gay wasn't even the problem, nor was anyone's opinions of you - it's your own ego that led you this far. You've really done well for yourself. Don't think I'm saying this because your gay - i have no problem whatsoever with you being gay quote me one thing I said that was discriminatory towards your sexual orientation - I'm saying this because you still are so stuck in your ego that you can't even see that you've messed up so badly and then deeper in ego still when you now feel sorry for yourself fml I wash my hands with you I really don't even know what to say to you. What kind of singh hides away in dark. SO WHAT IF YOUR GAY WHO CARES YOUR GURU MADE YOU LIKE THAT SO WHY THE HELL DID YOU PRETEND LIKE YOU WERENT. You not only did pakhand to your wife you also did pakhand to your guru because your guru made you gay and you categorically pretended you weren't just so you could married so you've lied on both face. And it's YOU that feels gloomy ":(". Lol the problems of the Panth aren't outside... they're right here. 

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You are not the only one in this situation. There was a similar answer on quora. Its a website where ppl post a question and lots of ppl can answer it. Its like yahoo answers. Theres lots of indians on there. One of the questions was do you regret getting married.

And a girl wrote that yes as her husband ignored her. He would not reply to her questions and not make eye contact and then later on told her he is gay. The girl told the sass and the sass just taunted her saying that you just arent a woman enough to attract him. And now she is being treated badly from both her husband and her sass.

So i think as long as u r kind to her and dont treat her rudely and respect her. That is a great start. Abt telling her the truth, idk sometimes ignorance is bliss. Esp.after marriage, once u guys cant call it off. Ppl say that have cheated on their spouse have regretted admitting it. They could not tolerate the guilt and so.they hurt the other person and their relationship.with truth. Suffer with guilt. Is that not wat they deserve?

Also i know hukamnamas have helped u in the past. So.i wonder why u have not taken one yet. 

If u do decide to stay engaged and get married. Stop waffling abt it. Make a decision and stick to it. Start planning where u guys should go for a honeymoon. Usually ppl in india go visit gurudwaras. Decide which ones. Also u should go stay in panjab at her pind for a while. And u should allow her to show u the real panjab. And u should decide which parts of mumbai u should show her. Like zoos, the ocean. Which foods. Cuz foods like idli, dosa, pau bhaji are not there in panjab. 

Also u can discuss the above topics whe  u run out.of things to do. U can ask what places she ever wanted to visit, things she wanted to do before marriage, if shes reached all her dreams. Etc. Talk to her as if she an interesting human, not like shes a burden. 

Think of her as a new friend at the very least. Be excited to show her ur life and learn abt hers. Think positive and plan fun things to do together. Laughter and respect are the foundation of a good marriage. Ask her input on things, argue good naturedly. I mean u r marrying her so ur not alone at ur old age. Well, put in the work now so that u have a friend, a supporter with u in ur old age. Most wives are glad whe their husband is at work.  So they can pursue their own interest cuz husbands always trivialize their hobbies and interests. Dont be like that. Tho they say gay men are more sensitive and have similar interesta to.women. so that could be good.

Also make it a habit. To stop thinking negatively and being too judgey. As they say, keep ur eyes half open before marriage and half closed after. Meaning, once the decision is out of ur hands, stop worrying and thinking abt it. Instead think positive. Look at all the benefits u r getting. 

Also, scientists r trying to find out if there is a gay gene. So maybe gayness is inherited? So pray for ur children, so they do not suffer as you do. 

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On 6/11/2018 at 8:52 AM, Not2Cool2Argue said:

You are not the only one in this situation. There was a similar answer on quora. Its a website where ppl post a question and lots of ppl can answer it. Its like yahoo answers. Theres lots of indians on there. One of the questions was do you regret getting married.

And a girl wrote that yes as her husband ignored her. He would not reply to her questions and not make eye contact and then later on told her he is gay. The girl told the sass and the sass just taunted her saying that you just arent a woman enough to attract him. And now she is being treated badly from both her husband and her sass.

So i think as long as u r kind to her and dont treat her rudely and respect her. That is a great start. Abt telling her the truth, idk sometimes ignorance is bliss. Esp.after marriage, once u guys cant call it off. Ppl say that have cheated on their spouse have regretted admitting it. They could not tolerate the guilt and so.they hurt the other person and their relationship.with truth. Suffer with guilt. Is that not wat they deserve?

Also i know hukamnamas have helped u in the past. So.i wonder why u have not taken one yet. 

If u do decide to stay engaged and get married. Stop waffling abt it. Make a decision and stick to it. Start planning where u guys should go for a honeymoon. Usually ppl in india go visit gurudwaras. Decide which ones. Also u should go stay in panjab at her pind for a while. And u should allow her to show u the real panjab. And u should decide which parts of mumbai u should show her. Like zoos, the ocean. Which foods. Cuz foods like idli, dosa, pau bhaji are not there in panjab. 

Also u can discuss the above topics whe  u run out.of things to do. U can ask what places she ever wanted to visit, things she wanted to do before marriage, if shes reached all her dreams. Etc. Talk to her as if she an interesting human, not like shes a burden. 

Think of her as a new friend at the very least. Be excited to show her ur life and learn abt hers. Think positive and plan fun things to do together. Laughter and respect are the foundation of a good marriage. Ask her input on things, argue good naturedly. I mean u r marrying her so ur not alone at ur old age. Well, put in the work now so that u have a friend, a supporter with u in ur old age. Most wives are glad whe their husband is at work.  So they can pursue their own interest cuz husbands always trivialize their hobbies and interests. Dont be like that. Tho they say gay men are more sensitive and have similar interesta to.women. so that could be good.

Also make it a habit. To stop thinking negatively and being too judgey. As they say, keep ur eyes half open before marriage and half closed after. Meaning, once the decision is out of ur hands, stop worrying and thinking abt it. Instead think positive. Look at all the benefits u r getting. 

Also, scientists r trying to find out if there is a gay gene. So maybe gayness is inherited? So pray for ur children, so they do not suffer as you do. 

Thanks . thats a very mature and well written post.

BTW , I do feel homosexuality perhaps run in my family, on the paternal side . I had an inkling about this because I had an older cousin who never married and never displayed an interest in females. For some odd reason he never married . Now he's old man (The huge age difference in us cousins is because of age factors of our parents btw).

Now my other cousin's son -- he's 10 yr old i think displays feminine poses in his photos and sometimes explicit gender deviant behavior. 

It perhaps run in my family 

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9 hours ago, AjeetSinghPunjabi said:

Thanks . thats a very mature and well written post.

BTW , I do feel homosexuality perhaps run in my family, on the paternal side . I had an inkling about this because I had an older cousin who never married and never displayed an interest in females. For some odd reason he never married . Now he's old man (The huge age difference in us cousins is because of age factors of our parents btw).

Now my other cousin's son -- he's 10 yr old i think displays feminine poses in his photos and sometimes explicit gender deviant behavior. 

It perhaps run in my family  

That's interesting that its on the paternal side. From what ive read, I thought it could be X-linked or maternally inherited... but who knows?

They are also saying its due to hormones during pregnancy, and as there's increased estrogen in our waters and food due to birth control and pesticides..

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Guest jelly
On 6/9/2018 at 2:34 PM, AjeetSinghPunjabi said:

As you all are probably aware that I am engaged to this girl . However lately I am feeling gloomy since yesterday i think because for some reason I feel sad that I am marrying for lifetime to someone who I am not attracted to . I feel a big void in my life and as if in that void there can't be anything except pain and sorrow. 

Whenever me and my fiance talk to each other over phone, I never feel like intimacy , I feel like when will this call end , because it gets so odd and I don't know what to talk next. I feel like I fool myself into believing i like talking to her , however perhaps I don't . Or is it because we're not used to talking to each other yet. She lives in punjab and I am in mumbai.

On the contrary talking to my male friends is fun and its not scary or anything . 

On other hand sometimes i feel like I am cheating this girl and keeping her in dark and god is going to punish me big for this :( I don't want to destroy any girl's life , I hope to satisfy her in every way a husband can -- however I doubt the bedroom part sometimes . I feel like how will I live with a girl I have no bonding with for  a lifetime . Sometimes I question my decisions, other time I feel they're right because my parents are happy with her and I had little other option anyways.

I certainly don't feel like an excited happy youngster about to be married. Its more like a rite of passage for me , a part of my monotonous life . And I have no idea what else to do . I don't even feel like I can go back now . I have moved beyond that point.

You are such a liar. Why are you even considering marrying a person from the opposite sex when you are a poofey?  Real sikhs don’t lie.

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On 6/18/2018 at 9:28 PM, Guest jelly said:

You are such a liar. Why are you even considering marrying a person from the opposite sex when you are a poofey?  Real sikhs don’t lie.

you're part of the problem why gay guys marry girls . . also apparently you didn't have guts to come with your real profile but signing in as anonymous.

buggger off now

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Guest Jelly
17 hours ago, AjeetSinghPunjabi said:

you're part of the problem why gay guys marry girls . . also apparently you didn't have guts to come with your real profile but signing in as anonymous.

buggger off now

You are the only poofey on this forum as far as know so you should be the one to bugger off  and not me lol. You are a liar because you are lying to your mother and father and the poor innocent girl you are about to marry. Sikhs are not meant to tell lies. What makes you think this is not my real id? What will you do if your future wife finds out? How can you lie to her? If you really feel any love for her in your heart you should tell her the truth and let her marry someone normal like herself. I have also heard that your condition is catching, what if she catches it from you, becomes gay and has many love affairs with other women after she is married to you? Answer me now? Homosexual behavior is catching get it?  Be honest and live an honest life of who you are, people will respect you more for being honest. Don’t freak out after reading this post.

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