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Feelig lost..


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Guest Anonymous

Hi everyone. ive been feeling very lost and depressed recently and am looking for some guidance. let me give you some background. i come from a highly respected and religious family (i have sants in my family tree) so my whole family is very religious and amrtidhari. i’ve struggled a lot since starting college. i’ve drank, done hard drugs and have been in a long relationship with someone of a different ethnicity and religion. i’ve lies to and stolen from my parents. i am finally learning to restrain from drinking and drugs, and i no longer hurt my parents. but my biggest issue now is engaging in sexual/physical relations with my significant other. we talk about marriage and i cannot see myself spending my life with anyone else, but i know this relationship would hurt my parents and they would make me choose between them and my partner. how can i break up with someone i truly love becaus it’s not accepted in our community/society? is marrying someone outside of sikhi a sin? i have been trying to forgive myself for the drinking and drugs but find it so hard. how am i going to know if waheguru has forgiven me or accepted me? i just feel like such a piece of <banned word filter activated>. so i guess my main question is, how to abstain from my sexual relations with my long standing partner, and how to deal with our relationship in the years to come? how do i move past and forgive myself for the drinking and drugs? i do japji sahib and rehraas sahib everyday but i know that is not enough to be welcomed into Guruji’s charna. i just feel so lost and depressed i don’t know what to do. 

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Guest Guest Sikh family.

 @GuestAnonymous, Guru Maharaj will forgive you anything. There are plenty of Sakhis telling stories time and again of Guru Jis benevolence. They turned murders into saints. They will always forgive you. Now you have to forgive yourself. The way you can think about it is, you are using manmut to decide whether on not Guru Ji will forgive you and take you back instead of using Gurmat. As far as your relationship, this is a tough one. This is why there really is no dating in Sikhi. But the good news is we have Maharaj. They know what you NEED (which is much better than what you want). Do Ardaas with all your heart and take a Hukamnama. That should help you. I’m sorry you are going through this. I promise you’ll come out on the other side okay if you accept it all as Hukam. VJKK! VJKF!

 

@lostconfussedsingh. I’m so happy you are receiving help. Suicide is a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY issue. Listen to me,...temporary. Of 8.4 million life forms, you were given this gift of human life. It’s not yours to take, brother. You’re loved and your presence here on earth is divine Hukam from Akal Purakh. Please stay engaged in treatment. If you are feeling lonely, sad, desperate, isolated, etc. please reach out to your local crisis line. It’s anonymous and answers 24/7. There are dedicated Sikh crisis numbers in the UK. I hope this helps. I love you and I’m concerned about you  because you’re my brother. Vjkkvjkf! 

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Guest Loveyourwelf

Dear veerji,

 

 

No one is Perfect, we all make mistakes. I know in gurbani, sometimes it can feel like all of us are sinners and i get down after reading gurbani bécasse i know ultimately who knows where my next joon.

 

Just my advixe is there, find a meanint ib life 

 

 

Volunteer, donate your time to something bigger than you. Forgive yourself . give the baggage out.

 

Keep abstinence and marry this girl. If you really love her. Marry her. Teach her sikhi.

 

 

Love

You.

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22 hours ago, lostconfussedsingh said:

Thats a really messed situation like totally f ked especially as you have sants in your family line as well.

 

People like yourself remind me of myself as i give a totally wrong false image to the world but inside i am thinking about sex and death suicide but more into death now.

 

You mention your parents are amritdhari and really religious and you still took the step to enage in sex with another race person. All these years you have done something that i have really really wanted and i must ask did you ever feel guilty scared before doing the act deed ? 

 

I myself have struggled with it but now i am more into suicide for which i am getting help. But if i knew it was that easy to have sex i should have done it by now but he Waheguru has saved me and i am stuck with ptsd ocd depression now. 

 

Are actually addicated to sex now since you have done it ? I mean you want to marry her now are you sure ?

Please refrain from using words like 'f cked' up. When you also mention religious names. 

 

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Stuff like this really confuses me! He comes from a amritdhari family with Sants in his family tree yet he's turned out like this! Doesn't sikhi say how you're whole family will change if you start doing naam and become proper sikh and how even the generations in you're family to come will be saved etc  but then how do you explain this person? 

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On 6/18/2018 at 3:52 PM, Guest Anonymous said:

i do japji sahib and rehraas sahib everyday but i know that is not enough to be welcomed into Guruji’s charna. i just feel so lost and depressed i don’t know what to do. 

I think u need to do some deep thinking and reflection. 

Yes your parents are sikhs. Yes you were raised a sikh. 

But do you want to be a sikh? And if so why? If ur parents werent sikh, would u still want to be a sikh?

If u like sikhi,.why did u go away from it? You must know a person who does drugs and alcohol and relationship outside of marriage cant be a sikh. So why did u do this? Were u tempted? Why? Was ur love or knowledge of sikhi not enough? How will u keep urself feom being tempted again?

Its good u r going away from drugs and alcohol. Its good u r not hurting ur parents. And its good u r trying to forgive urself. But first find out why u did it. Then forgive urself. 

In terms of being forgiven by the guru: the guru is ready to forgive all those who come to his sharan. But it depends on you. Did u used to be an amritdhari? Do u want to become one again. If so, u must go pesh and confess. 

If u were not an amritdhari. I would suggest, u let ur actions show that u r repenting. For a month, do no alcohol or drugs. And everyday do rehraas sahib and japji sahib and do ardaas asking for forgiveness. Say why and how u fell. And how u woukd like to come back to gurus charan. Do this for a month. Then after a month, do an ardaas at the gurudwara and take a hukamnama. Or ask the granthi singh do to  an ardaas for u asking for forgiveness and to take a hukamnama for u. Do this when there is no diwaan/service going on at the gurudwara. The hukamnama will tell u if the guru has forgiven u or wat he wants u to do for forgiveness.

Abt ur partner. You want to know how not to have sexual relationships. You have to be strong and commited. So find out strong enough reasons not to. Also look into meditation. And maybe into reading books like The Wait by meagan DeVon. Its by a christian talking abt how and why one ahoukd wait until after marriage for sex.  And is ur partner ready to marry you. And if so, will they be willing to become a sikh for u? If not, how will you guys raise children with 2 diff religions? And why doesnt ur partner love u enough to become a sikh for u? And if they dont love u enough, then why get married? And if each of u loves ur religion more than to convert for ur partner then be strong enough to leave ur partners for ur religion. If u break up.with ur partner, then u dont have to worry abt being sexually active at least. 

 

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The title of this post clearly states that this Singh feels completely lost, so why does everyone react in a way that will make him feel worse about his situation?

Hanji he has committed wrongful actions, but why not approach this situation with empathy and understanding? Why make so many assumptions based on the short paragraph he has shared, which might I add must be an extremely difficult thing to do.

I myself was just about to post a query for the Sangat's advice as I too am feeling lost, but I am quite disappointed reading the responses here. Imagine how worthless this Singh feels in this instance. He's beginning to take steady steps to do what is right, so why not encourage this instead? In such a situation, the Sangat should provide that additional support, and encourage his altered behaviour. Eventually the guilt will hit him naturally, and he will hate himself more than anyone else.

We can clearly see the ignorance of our community in these responses, as discussed recently. Rather than considering the endless combination of certain occurrences in his life that may have swayed him into this point in his life, you have only considered the surface of what has been said. So what if his entire family are Gursikhs, that doesn't necessarily mean that he too will grow up perfectly in such a way and live a Gursikh life from the day of his birth? It doesn't mean he is born with the same knowledge that his family has gained over time. Here arises the problem where the assumed 'Gursikh' has nobody to turn to as they should have no problems. Then those from the opposite background view themselves as worthless as those around them appear to be of such a high spiritual level, or it may be that others around them constantly tell them how they should be, but no one guides them.

Our community puts so much pressure on one another, that they don't realise how worthless they make others feel for even calling themselves a Sikh. Could you ever imagine being told that you have no right to call yourself a Kaur, or a Singh, by a respected individual of the Sangat? How can one move on from their pain alone? One cannot be sound of soul if they are not sound of mind. Humbleness and humility are necessary traits of a Gursikh, but such traits should not be forced by the Sangat, as over time, a learning Sikh will adapt themselves to understand the true meaning of such traits, rather than simply being told to be so. If the Sangat turns away those that need help, they will start to feel as though Waheguru Ji does not love them. Thoughts can becomes very destructive. The negative consequences of constantly putting others down are more severe than I feel the community is willing to accept.

The one opportunity a vulnerable brother or sister takes to ask for help, they are turned away for doing wrong. Would you prefer if you are asked for help at your convenience, because if so, prepare to watch the pyaar younger Sikhs have for their faith, slowly fade away.

I'm sorry for coming across as angry, but I genuinely came here for help and am saddened by how those that need help are treated. I'm more saddened by how much these responses reflect the reality of today.

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