Pcos and hiritism

[Guest Help me]

Hi everyone, I'm a 19 year old female with polycystic ovarian syndrome and this is my problem. 

Ive never been on a Sikh forum before but I thought about sharing my story anonymously to get some much needed advice before I turn my back on the sangat.

Ok, so ever since primary school I've had very hairy arms, legs , back and buttocks. I've been bullied to the point that no one should ever have to experience. I've had boys call me names like hairy mary, monkey, gurilla, the beast ect. I've had girls pull my sleeves up by force to laugh and draw all over my hairy arms, and boys push me in the playground so I'd fall over and graze my knees. I remember felling so hot and sweat in school and being unable to take my jumper off or wear socks to school instead of tights so the bullying would be low.

Moving on to secondary school the bullying got worse, I'd have Sikh boys in ramals and gottis calling me moustache girl and hairy and telling me that they'd beat me up and kill me. A lot of the boys and girls would give me dirty looks, push me in corridors, not give me my school book when they were handing them out in class. All of the singhani girls who took Amrit also bullied me despite themselves bleaching their own facial hair and sideburns. Not even the teachers helped because frankly they didn't care about one student with a problem. My mom has no body hair neither does my nanny so they don't understand what I'm going through.

Every time I mention my suffering with bullying and body hair as a female to them they clash with opinions. My nanny is amritari and says I should leave the hair alone and it would naturally (she doesn't understand the scientific hormale side of it) and my mom argues with me saying I should continue with the laser hair removal (I've had 6 sessions on my face last year which were not effective) despite my GP saying it was pointless since I'd need hundreds of sessions before it becomes even a bit effective as the excess androgens (male hormones eg testosterone) mean the hair follicles keep regenerating too quickly. 

I'm at my ends, I've cut my hair which was down to my knees in year 11 to take attention away from my facial hair to make myself look less tradition which I deeply regret as the pcos means I also have male pattern baldness so I have to use planter hair wash which is for women over 40 to stop the alopecia and thinning hair (it is currently chest high). I want to go swimming so bad but my hairy legs, buttocks and back mean I can't cover up those areas in a full sleeved bathing suit and I hate that I can't do one of the very few things that make me happy. 

What's surprised me the most I believe is that my own community, the sangat have let me down, instead of embracing a trait God has given and giving me support they have abandoned me, 90% of my bullies were Sikhs, most were boys who wore ramals and gottis and turbans, they all physically and emotionally abused me to the point were id cry every night to my mom contemplating my beliefs in God since I'd been given so much body and facial hair as a female. 

I'm looking for solutions and reasons to why the Sikh community were my bullies. I've tried bleaches, wet shavers, hair removal creams, laser hair removal, I'm currently on the dianette pill for acne and hiritism but it takes 8 months for full effects I believe and its side effects make my mood lazy, anxious, suicidal.

I am an only child which adds to my unhappiness because I can't share my pains with anyone. My mom is a single parent who doesn't understand or want to understand pcos (I made full paged notebook full of my own medical notes of pcos and treatments from hours spent researching online and she hasn't picked the notepad up once) she is too busy talking about her ex bf to care about me, I have never met my dad who apparently lives in Canada with his new family, and my Punjabi isn't that great so I can't really talk to my nanny about it, I feel so lonely I have no cousins nearby or many friends to talk to because most of them think I'm akwardly shy since I'm only 4"11 so lack a lot of confidence and also because of the hair they don't want to be seen with me much so I'm very often at home alone in the summer holidays because my mom and nanny don't let me out of the house much anyway because they say it looks bad to the family if ppl see a girl alone walking outside as it makes her look bad to potential in laws in the future. My mom has bipolar disorder and she takes out her mood swings on me very severely, for example when I was 13 she told me because i wasn't studying 12 hours a day she was gonna wish God gave her cancer and that the next day I'd wake up without a mother and since I already didn't have a father or siblings I would have no one. She refuses medical care and my recent passing of my mama, her brother last year has triggered her depression and anxiety as well, so I don't know what to do.

I've mentioned many problems, however I would like help with the hiritism side of pcos if any of the sangat would be kind enough to help me. 

Thank you if you have read my whole querry, I really appreciate it.

Waheguru Ji Khalsa 

Waheguru Ji pateh 

 

 

 

 

[Guest GuestSingh]

Penji, please don't turn your back on the community - there are a lot of people who do care, who do understand and who can help you.

You deserve credit for having the strength and courage so far to help yourself and not giving up on finding a solution....not everyone will react the same way and not everyone chooses the right option either.

It's sad and disappointing that apneh treated you this way, seemingly taking no time to talk to you, about your situation or how you felt etc. especially the 'Amritdhari' girls who myself thought would understand/sympathise with a fellow apni and know better but don't take it personally - like most youth, they are too immature, selfish and ignorant to understand your situation and because they haven't seen someone with this before, they are going to react differently i.e. when they see others making fun of you, they feel that's how they should react so they'll copy and do it too.

Don't know a lot about these conditions myself but my advice would be to listen to your conscience. Presumably, you posted this on a Sikh forum as you would like to follow this path, so only you will know what feels right.

You sound like you're based in the uk? If so, would really urge you to consider going to a Sikhi camp - it'll give you the chance to make friends, perhaps for life, while learning more about Sikhi. Went myself last year without knowing anyone and met all sorts of Sikhs from all over the world i.e. a few sisters who had facial hair issues too. Didn't really get a chance to talk to them but what you should know is that these Sikh girls like you who have similar conditions/issues do exist - you just haven't seen them yet, so please don't feel alone.

https://sikhicamp.org/

Next one runs from 26th - 31st August and there are likely to be places available (inc. cancellations)

Sorry if my post didn't give you the answers you were looking for or if offended you in any way.

[MisterrSingh]

You sound like you've got a wonderful head on your shoulders despite all life has thrown at you. I'm awed that you're able to assess and describe your issues in such a mature and level headed manner, and you don't seem embittered or jaded by your experiences. That's true chardikala even though you may not feel it at times. Never allow the world to grind that part of you away into dust even during the darkest of times. 

As for the PCOS and related conditions it's a minefield. Take it one step at a time. I wish I could provide a specific plan or definite answers to help you out, but I genuinely wouldn't know where to begin. 

I won't patronise you with platitudes that will seem hollow and meaningless considering all you've been through, but don't assume you're alone. Keep your head up, little sister.

[jkvlondon]

Bhain ji

Just remeber a handful of fools do not represent everyone , we care about you ... I know some of what you are feeling but remember Waheguru ji loves you and will always find a way for you. I hope you are not in pain physically along with everything else .

have you been to the doctor as they can prescribe hormones to rebalance your chemistry to reduce the cysts and the androgen production which will prevent further thickening of hairs in a non female way ? You can drink peppermint tea daily also to help with this as it reduces dht naturally . Pcos  is really horrible disease which can make girls infertile which is just like the nail in the coffin after all the harsh and nasty behaviour you've gone through . There are loads of girls suffering like you , and its increasing every day I cannot believe that even amritdhari bibian are being so horrid to you , but , given that they've probably never had to deal with your challenges they have no empathy . Sorry for their shallowness .
I'm suffering from endo so have my challenges too PM me and I' d be happy to talk to you privately .

[Premi5]

I sense the OP is a troll. 

[jkvlondon]

3 hours ago, Premi5 said:

I sense the OP is a troll. 

does it matter , there are loads of ladies out there who ask for or want help anyway ...

 

Bhain ji , this video may be of interest:

 

[Guest Harbi]

Quote

Hi everyone, I'm a 19 year old female with polycystic ovarian syndrome and this is my problem. 

Ive never been on a Sikh forum before but I thought about sharing my story anonymously to get some much needed advice before I turn my back on the sangat.

Firstly, well done for seeking to discuss this. I went through something similar growing up in the UK and didn't have access to online forums to discuss this. You've recognised the injustice of how people have treated you and you are fighting it. Keep going.

Quote

Ok, so ever since primary school I've had very hairy arms, legs , back and buttocks. I've been bullied to the point that no one should ever have to experience. I've had boys call me names like hairy mary, monkey, gurilla, the beast ect. I've had girls pull my sleeves up by force to laugh and draw all over my hairy arms, and boys push me in the playground so I'd fall over and graze my knees. I remember felling so hot and sweat in school and being unable to take my jumper off or wear socks to school instead of tights so the bullying would be low.

The school failed you. They should have been vigilant and noticed what is happening because depending on Primary aged children to report bullying is placing too much responsibility on your shoulders. I used to be a teacher and this is not acceptable.

Quote

Moving on to secondary school the bullying got worse, I'd have Sikh boys in ramals and gottis calling me moustache girl and hairy and telling me that they'd beat me up and kill me. A lot of the boys and girls would give me dirty looks, push me in corridors, not give me my school book when they were handing them out in class. All of the singhani girls who took Amrit also bullied me despite themselves bleaching their own facial hair and sideburns. Not even the teachers helped because frankly they didn't care about one student with a problem. My mom has no body hair neither does my nanny so they don't understand what I'm going through.

Absolutely outrageous that this carried on in secondary school and the teachers did nothing. In a school where teachers don't respond to bullying, hundreds suffer from low level bullying to extreme levels as you suffered personally. It seems there were deep-seated insecurities in these students, that they converged on you, undermining you at every opportunity. This sort of culture is destructive for the bullied and bullies. These people will grow up and engage in the same inhumane manner. 

As for your mother and nanni ji not understanding. Sometimes our families don't and can't understand. Show them some PCOS and sikh facial hair documentaries/videos on youtube. keep the conversation going and air your feelings regularly with your family.

 Keep a journal as your relationship with your body is constantly evolving, and reflecting helps to make sense of what are your thoughts and responses to what other people think of you. Ask yourself, "If I was born into a world where no-one noticed my hair, how would I feel?" . Society has conditioned us to see certain hair patterns as masculine and feminine- when you take the entire population there is in fact no hair density/thickness/coverage typifying men and women. For every hirsute woman there is a man dying to grow a non-patchy, flowing beard. We all have varying levels of hormones in our body that change throughout our lives.

Focus on being you and identifying with you as you are, not as a gender with society's gender expectations, body expectations ( identifying yourself as a specific gender, this is too destructive because the categories are so narrow in mainstream society). 

 

 

Quote

Every time I mention my suffering with bullying and body hair as a female to them they clash with opinions. My nanny is amritari and says I should leave the hair alone and it would naturally (she doesn't understand the scientific hormale side of it) and my mom argues with me saying I should continue with the laser hair removal (I've had 6 sessions on my face last year which were not effective) despite my GP saying it was pointless since I'd need hundreds of sessions before it becomes even a bit effective as the excess androgens (male hormones eg testosterone) mean the hair follicles keep regenerating too quickly. 

Really explore your feelings around suffering in your journal. And carry on speaking with your family and anyone else who will listen. Even if they don't understand, your feelings have to be vented otherwise you will suffer more. I do this with my family, they may not listen, understand, care, or know what to do, but one needs to air their thoughts regularly to work through them. 

As for hair removal, you can carry on exploring different strategies if you want, but at the same time, build up a relationship with your body as it is. You will come to a decision about what is right for you (hair or no hair).

 

Quote

I'm at my ends, I've cut my hair which was down to my knees in year 11 to take attention away from my facial hair to make myself look less tradition which I deeply regret as the pcos means I also have male pattern baldness so I have to use planter hair wash which is for women over 40 to stop the alopecia and thinning hair (it is currently chest high). I want to go swimming so bad but my hairy legs, buttocks and back mean I can't cover up those areas in a full sleeved bathing suit and I hate that I can't do one of the very few things that make me happy. 

Go swimming!!!! I go swimming with hairy arms and hairy legs. (After trying waxing, shaving , the hair on my legs grew back so thick. But I don't mind it as much. I only engage in hair removal when I go swimming.  I use a hair removal cream on my legs once a week or every 2 weeks, it grows in a day but I don't care if ther eis hair growing on my legs and if people notice I think "I'm representing the full spectrum of female bodies. These people are getting an education" hahaha. Seriously we are bombarded with images of hairless women - well if it's natural for them then good for them- but every person has the right to embrace and celebrate and display their body as they see fit. 

 

Quote

What's surprised me the most I believe is that my own community, the sangat have let me down, instead of embracing a trait God has given and giving me support they have abandoned me, 90% of my bullies were Sikhs, most were boys who wore ramals and gottis and turbans, they all physically and emotionally abused me to the point were id cry every night to my mom contemplating my beliefs in God since I'd been given so much body and facial hair as a female. 

The sangat have let you down, and you should be outraged because they are not living up to their identity as Sikhs. The hypocrisy, the lack of compassion, education, it's outrageous. They have a lot to learn if we stand up for it. If women start to have these conversations in public.

 

Quote

I'm looking for solutions and reasons to why the Sikh community were my bullies. I've tried bleaches, wet shavers, hair removal creams, laser hair removal, I'm currently on the dianette pill for acne and hiritism but it takes 8 months for full effects I believe and its side effects make my mood lazy, anxious, suicidal.

I am an only child which adds to my unhappiness because I can't share my pains with anyone. My mom is a single parent who doesn't understand or want to understand pcos (I made full paged notebook full of my own medical notes of pcos and treatments from hours spent researching online and she hasn't picked the notepad up once) she is too busy talking about her ex bf to care about me, I have never met my dad who apparently lives in Canada with his new family, and my Punjabi isn't that great so I can't really talk to my nanny about it, I feel so lonely I have no cousins nearby or many friends to talk to because most of them think I'm akwardly shy since I'm only 4"11 so lack a lot of confidence and also because of the hair they don't want to be seen with me much so I'm very often at home alone in the summer holidays because my mom and nanny don't let me out of the house much anyway because they say it looks bad to the family if ppl see a girl alone walking outside as it makes her look bad to potential in laws in the future. My mom has bipolar disorder and she takes out her mood swings on me very severely, for example when I was 13 she told me because i wasn't studying 12 hours a day she was gonna wish God gave her cancer and that the next day I'd wake up without a mother and since I already didn't have a father or siblings I would have no one. She refuses medical care and my recent passing of my mama, her brother last year has triggered her depression and anxiety as well, so I don't know what to do.

I've mentioned many problems, however I would like help with the hiritism side of pcos if any of the sangat would be kind enough to help me. 

Thank you if you have read my whole querry, I really appreciate it.

Waheguru Ji Khalsa 

Waheguru Ji pateh 

 

 

The thing is with bullies, and with people full stop, you'll never understand why they do the things they do. They have a multitude of issues you don't need to spend time deciphering. Keep engaged with self-care, it's a life long process. 

You don't have the family you deserve, but you sound incredibly strong and resilient. You'll get through this, you're going to find the support you need and get to a better place. 

Join a PCOS support group- online, in person, local, national or international, keep talking regularly about this and expose yourself to multiple viewpoints. Keep searching for the sangat with their heads screwed on right. Go online, go to camps, any Kaurageous groups near you? Speak about this. You may have to be brave to start the conversation, perhaps this is your sewa from Maharaj?

 

Meditate, read bani, and explore social media for groups promoting body positive relationships, feminism, etc. Make up your own mind and love yourself as you are. Smile at yourself in the mirror and see your beauty inside and outside. Hug yourself (I still do this) and stroke your limbs, feel your hair and experience it as unique body, a gift from god, and it's serving you and will serve you for decades to come. It's achieved so much and already has. Society can't deal with female body hair, female's choices about their body hair, and it is destroying all compassion. 

Remember, your hair is you, but you are not your hair. Don't reduce yourself to it, this is what these bullies, sangat, the whole world full of unenlightened narrow minded sheep do. Carry it and see where the journey goes.

 

 

•  
•  
• Quote

[puzzled]

I had no idea that it could take 100s of laser hair removal treatments for men to get rid of hair! even if men have high testosterone, i wouldn't of thought it takes that long ?     100s sounds dangerous 

theres videos online of men even getting parts of their beards removed with laser treatment, beard hair is much thicker   so im surprised your GP said you will need 100s!    not that Im telling you to get it done but it just sounds odd 

your very brave, i can't imagine how brave you are   looking different especially when your young is very hard.

 

[puzzled]

Im actually surprised the amritdhari girls are treating you like that! back then, in my school amritdhari girls were really nice and accepting, they even were nice with the gay kids even though everyone else was mean to them. 

The gutti and patka boys on the other hand were the b!tchy ones! The paki girls, somali girls and gutti/patka guys were the b!tchiest ones, i was completely monah and didn't know much about sikhi and didn't wear kara and they always excluded me, salleh h@rami, thats why i only hung out with pakis lol.     the singhnis were nice and accepting though 

kids at school can be very ignorant because their still within the comfort of school, once you leave school and start higher education or work etc you start meeting different people from all walks of life and that makes people a lot more accepting and less ignorant, things will get better ...

[Guest Its me again]

On 7/25/2018 at 9:05 PM, jkvlondon said:

Bhain ji

Just remeber a handful of fools do not represent everyone , we care about you ... I know some of what you are feeling but remember Waheguru ji loves you and will always find a way for you. I hope you are not in pain physically along with everything else .

have you been to the doctor as they can prescribe hormones to rebalance your chemistry to reduce the cysts and the androgen production which will prevent further thickening of hairs in a non female way ? You can drink peppermint tea daily also to help with this as it reduces dht naturally . Pcos  is really horrible disease which can make girls infertile which is just like the nail in the coffin after all the harsh and nasty behaviour you've gone through . There are loads of girls suffering like you , and its increasing every day I cannot believe that even amritdhari bibian are being so horrid to you , but , given that they've probably never had to deal with your challenges they have no empathy . Sorry for their shallowness .
I'm suffering from endo so have my challenges too PM me and I' d be happy to talk to you privately .

Hi ! thanks for replying I didn't think anyone would, I just stumbled by the replies today aha. Thank you for your insight, however I had a ultrasound scan last year for ovaries and it came back with no cysts (thank God, and I have regular periods so are not infertile) and current blood tests I had recently this year have said I have an overactive adrenal gland on my kidneys and I'm being referred to a further ultrasound on august for my kidneys, ovaries, pelvis and bladder to find any tumours (gp said this was possible but very rare) or any abnormalities or growths that have caused release of too much DHEA hormones into my bloodstream responsible for terminal hair growth. I'm happy that I'm receiving some real medical attention now and hopefully this "so-called" growth or abnormality can be removed and my hormones will go back to equilibrium in how they are naturally in a female body. My GP has also said I have abnormally too much sex binding hormone globulin in my blood which binds totestoderone hormones produced by ovaries and adrenal glands which will be looked at too I hope. I have been cleared for tumours on my pituitary gland in my brain due to normal prolactin levels. 

If everyone who has read my message can do ardass for me that everything will be fine medically I would greatly appreciate this. 

Thank you all soo much for your replies it means a lot to me knowing how much some ppl care about me.

Waheguru Ji Khalsa

Waheguru Ji pateh