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Am I wrong? Advise please

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Guest singh

Vjkk Vjkf,

 

Sorry for how long this is in advance

I'm really struggling and could do with some advice. 

quite a few years ago I lost my mother to cancer. After she passed away I didnt think about her too much because I guess it was easier to block out the pain rather than think about her condition deteriorating and no longer being here also I didnt have any stresses of life at the time and so it didnt hit me that hard then.

about 3/4 years later as I started working harder I started becoming more stressed and this is when depression and anxiety hit me. After a few months I started to take anti depressants and then I spiraled out of control completely. I overdosed multiple times, I self harmed drank smoke at times. I was also gambling heavily.

During this period I wasnt taking the medication properly and I pushed my close family away. I harassed a girl which made me feel 100 times worse as I felt so guilty and eventually got in trouble with the law. 

I have gotten much better over time as I was advised I was misdiagnosed and shouldn't have been given those anti depressants especially which were such a high dosage. I havent drank/smoke or gambled for over a year or so. My relationships with my immediate family have gotten better over time also thankfully. I know myself deep within that despite some of my bad actions/choices it wasn't really me so I've gotten better at forgiving myself.

However I'm still affected as I don't have any friends now my family all have wives/husbands and kids and I can't talk to my dad about how I feel as he is from India and he doesnt understand emotions. i dont know who to talk to and I keep hoping that this relationship I had with this girl will get better over time. She is now married but I didnt really care about that I was just happy that she was initially regularly communicating with me during my initial depression stage. She has completely blocked me off and i'm not allowed to contact her. I used to know her initially from Saturday school and had multiple friends in common. When I was struggling I was just really hoping that I could always help her or support her when ever I needed because I saw her in such a positive light. That harassing was due to me being sorry and wanting her to realise that i wasnt in the right frame of mind. I've never fallen out with anyone before this and the fact that i know she gets a long with other people i know makes me feel weird now.

I constantly think of her and miss her which I know sounds wrong but its my depression kicking in telling me there is something wrong with me. I dont view her in any other way than a sister but as I've caused her a lot of stress I care about her more and every time she hurts me its like I think this isn't really her and she is only putting an act on because her parents don't want me to have anything to do with her.

I know I should spend more time dedicating myself to sikhi but a part of me feels angry and upset and alone. Growing up in an Amritdhari family and going to keertan programmes when I was younger I've always had a wish to take Amrit hence why i've never cut my hair/beard off.

I only know japji sahib which i was taught by mummy ji to do but I have an issue whereby I dont fully do it e.g. sometimes I would just listen to and I want to Amrit someday but when I start reading Jaap Sahib after 6-7 mins I struggle to continue and feel like its dragging on. I do simran when I wake up and at night.

What would you recommend I do? Am I a bad person for still thinking/hoping this relationship with this girl would become better and I would feel better about myself? Is this attachment even though I have no desire to spend my life with her and it hurts badly when I think about it?

I'd appreciate any advice you can give.

Vjkk Vjkf

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yes bro its emotional detachment and it is difficult to overcome, especially if youre constantly anxious everyday and care too much about too many things like myself...

but you need to tell yourself shes married now, she has a husband, so shes off limits and you should respect that... put yourself in the husbands shoes - would you like it if you were married and someone was hassling your wife? how would you feel?

my advice and if in your shoes would be to just 'let the dust settle', give it time, maybe several weeks/few months, and write a letter telling her what youve told us. at least shed be able to understand in detail what youre going through and maybe your conscience would be more at ease to can focus and concentrate better on sikhi

Edited by GuestSingh

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On 11/29/2018 at 4:41 PM, Guest singh said:

Vjkk Vjkf,

 

Sorry for how long this is in advance

I'm really struggling and could do with some advice. 

quite a few years ago I lost my mother to cancer. After she passed away I didnt think about her too much because I guess it was easier to block out the pain rather than think about her condition deteriorating and no longer being here also I didnt have any stresses of life at the time and so it didnt hit me that hard then.

about 3/4 years later as I started working harder I started becoming more stressed and this is when depression and anxiety hit me. After a few months I started to take anti depressants and then I spiraled out of control completely. I overdosed multiple times, I self harmed drank smoke at times. I was also gambling heavily.

During this period I wasnt taking the medication properly and I pushed my close family away. I harassed a girl which made me feel 100 times worse as I felt so guilty and eventually got in trouble with the law. 

I have gotten much better over time as I was advised I was misdiagnosed and shouldn't have been given those anti depressants especially which were such a high dosage. I havent drank/smoke or gambled for over a year or so. My relationships with my immediate family have gotten better over time also thankfully. I know myself deep within that despite some of my bad actions/choices it wasn't really me so I've gotten better at forgiving myself.

However I'm still affected as I don't have any friends now my family all have wives/husbands and kids and I can't talk to my dad about how I feel as he is from India and he doesnt understand emotions. i dont know who to talk to and I keep hoping that this relationship I had with this girl will get better over time. She is now married but I didnt really care about that I was just happy that she was initially regularly communicating with me during my initial depression stage. She has completely blocked me off and i'm not allowed to contact her. I used to know her initially from Saturday school and had multiple friends in common. When I was struggling I was just really hoping that I could always help her or support her when ever I needed because I saw her in such a positive light. That harassing was due to me being sorry and wanting her to realise that i wasnt in the right frame of mind. I've never fallen out with anyone before this and the fact that i know she gets a long with other people i know makes me feel weird now.

I constantly think of her and miss her which I know sounds wrong but its my depression kicking in telling me there is something wrong with me. I dont view her in any other way than a sister but as I've caused her a lot of stress I care about her more and every time she hurts me its like I think this isn't really her and she is only putting an act on because her parents don't want me to have anything to do with her.

I know I should spend more time dedicating myself to sikhi but a part of me feels angry and upset and alone. Growing up in an Amritdhari family and going to keertan programmes when I was younger I've always had a wish to take Amrit hence why i've never cut my hair/beard off.

I only know japji sahib which i was taught by mummy ji to do but I have an issue whereby I dont fully do it e.g. sometimes I would just listen to and I want to Amrit someday but when I start reading Jaap Sahib after 6-7 mins I struggle to continue and feel like its dragging on. I do simran when I wake up and at night.

What would you recommend I do? Am I a bad person for still thinking/hoping this relationship with this girl would become better and I would feel better about myself? Is this attachment even though I have no desire to spend my life with her and it hurts badly when I think about it?

I'd appreciate any advice you can give.

Vjkk Vjkf

It's human nature to be attached to individuals who have helped us or materialistic things which make us feel better eg. Smoking etc. However Guru Ji cares about you and it's ok to have a fresh start in life. Try going on holiday to Amritsar, somewhere where you can clear your mind and develop your pyar with Maharaj. It's important to clear your mind everyday as well, just sit down and try to silence your thoughts. Have simran going on in the background. It calms you down and makes you feel more clear. Once you acknowledge your mistakes and why you did it, it's easier to avoid the situation again. Just talk about your situation to Maharaj one on one. Maharaja can understand your feelings and will bring you a solution Himself. Leave all of your thoughts and actions to Vaheguru and focus on the Guru Marag. Try to do Japji Sahib and Naam Simran - it will help.

I'm sorry if my advice didn't help I tried my best.

Bhull Chuk Maaf

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26 minutes ago, GuestKaur2 said:

It's human nature to be attached to individuals who have helped us or materialistic things which make us feel better eg. Smoking etc. However Guru Ji cares about you and it's ok to have a fresh start in life. Try going on holiday to Amritsar, somewhere where you can clear your mind and develop your pyar with Maharaj. It's important to clear your mind everyday as well, just sit down and try to silence your thoughts. Have simran going on in the background. It calms you down and makes you feel more clear. Once you acknowledge your mistakes and why you did it, it's easier to avoid the situation again. Just talk about your situation to Maharaj one on one. Maharaja can understand your feelings and will bring you a solution Himself. Leave all of your thoughts and actions to Vaheguru and focus on the Guru Marag. Try to do Japji Sahib and Naam Simran - it will help.

I'm sorry if my advice didn't help I tried my best.

Bhull Chuk Maaf

dont worry penji, its good advice.

you seem mature and wise for your age. try not to change.

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46 minutes ago, GuestSingh said:

dont worry penji, its good advice.

you seem mature and wise for your age. try not to change.

Thanks Veerji

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Guest Uppp

Agreed with above post. I think you see this girl as a person who helped you when you was at your lowest point in life - maybe even considering her support in the same way as your late mother...? Which is normal - as a human ANYONE or ANYTHING that feels like an aid when you are in the $hit is bound to create an emotional attachment in your mind. 

I personally believe you need to sit and actually unearth your feelings for your late mother. As the phrase goes 'Let it all out.' Even as a man there is nothing wrong with crying whether you do this by yourself or with a family member (dad) - you need to address this underlying issue of loss. Even if your dad is from India. Tell him you miss your mum. See what he says. Carryout a conversation. When my dad died 18 years ago (I was 10 years old) - I couldn't comprehend at the time as to WHAT just happened. I just was numb and confused. I couldn't cry. Only about a 5 years after up until now my heart aches and I absolutly am overwelmed just thinking about him. I cry remembering him. We are humans. It is not healthy to leave emotions unaddressed.

Furthermore, as the above poster said you need to move on in life. You had a bad chapter in life. Close it. What has happened has happened. Consider it a lesson and move on. The quicker you do this the quicker your immediate family/associates will too forget it. if you are old enough ask you dad to maybe sort out a marriage for you? What makes you think you can't get married to a beautiful Gursikh wife and have beautiful children to bring blossom into your life? You are just as worthy as your family members. It may seem a bit much now but once you get married, have a job and children you will have a busy life where you have a wife and children that eagerly wait for you to come home to. You can recover your Sikhi with your wife and children. Going to the Gurdwara Sahib taking Santhea classes/Sikhi classes together. Getting involved in Sikh youth/Sangat at your local. It is NEVER too late to start again. Once you become a family man your relationship with your dad, brothers and sisters will becone stronger because you will have somethibg to relate to; wife, children, Sikhi, work etc. 

Get up, dust yourself off. You was wounded. You have recovered now. Man up and get your $hit together. This is your life. Make it count man. 

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5 hours ago, lostconfussedsingh said:

Bro you are right sister @GuestKaur2 is the most mature user on here compared to a few other users i have seen on here.

Aww thanks Veerji :)

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On 11/29/2018 at 5:41 PM, Guest singh said:

Vjkk Vjkf,

 

Sorry for how long this is in advance

I'm really struggling and could do with some advice. 

quite a few years ago I lost my mother to cancer. After she passed away I didnt think about her too much because I guess it was easier to block out the pain rather than think about her condition deteriorating and no longer being here also I didnt have any stresses of life at the time and so it didnt hit me that hard then.

about 3/4 years later as I started working harder I started becoming more stressed and this is when depression and anxiety hit me. After a few months I started to take anti depressants and then I spiraled out of control completely. I overdosed multiple times, I self harmed drank smoke at times. I was also gambling heavily.

During this period I wasnt taking the medication properly and I pushed my close family away. I harassed a girl which made me feel 100 times worse as I felt so guilty and eventually got in trouble with the law. 

I have gotten much better over time as I was advised I was misdiagnosed and shouldn't have been given those anti depressants especially which were such a high dosage. I havent drank/smoke or gambled for over a year or so. My relationships with my immediate family have gotten better over time also thankfully. I know myself deep within that despite some of my bad actions/choices it wasn't really me so I've gotten better at forgiving myself.

However I'm still affected as I don't have any friends now my family all have wives/husbands and kids and I can't talk to my dad about how I feel as he is from India and he doesnt understand emotions. i dont know who to talk to and I keep hoping that this relationship I had with this girl will get better over time. She is now married but I didnt really care about that I was just happy that she was initially regularly communicating with me during my initial depression stage. She has completely blocked me off and i'm not allowed to contact her. I used to know her initially from Saturday school and had multiple friends in common. When I was struggling I was just really hoping that I could always help her or support her when ever I needed because I saw her in such a positive light. That harassing was due to me being sorry and wanting her to realise that i wasnt in the right frame of mind. I've never fallen out with anyone before this and the fact that i know she gets a long with other people i know makes me feel weird now.

I constantly think of her and miss her which I know sounds wrong but its my depression kicking in telling me there is something wrong with me. I dont view her in any other way than a sister but as I've caused her a lot of stress I care about her more and every time she hurts me its like I think this isn't really her and she is only putting an act on because her parents don't want me to have anything to do with her.

I know I should spend more time dedicating myself to sikhi but a part of me feels angry and upset and alone. Growing up in an Amritdhari family and going to keertan programmes when I was younger I've always had a wish to take Amrit hence why i've never cut my hair/beard off.

I only know japji sahib which i was taught by mummy ji to do but I have an issue whereby I dont fully do it e.g. sometimes I would just listen to and I want to Amrit someday but when I start reading Jaap Sahib after 6-7 mins I struggle to continue and feel like its dragging on. I do simran when I wake up and at night.

What would you recommend I do? Am I a bad person for still thinking/hoping this relationship with this girl would become better and I would feel better about myself? Is this attachment even though I have no desire to spend my life with her and it hurts badly when I think about it?

I'd appreciate any advice you can give.

Vjkk Vjkf

Waheguru ka khalsa Waheguru ji ki fateh,

Sorry for your loss , I know what you mean about avoiding thinking about your parent because of the pain coming back . You been through the wringer emotionally , physically and spiritually , now it's time to look back over it , evaluate , learn and move onwards . Unfortunately most anti-depressents are misprescribed either by type or quantity , they are supposed to be a short term aid whilst working on getting counselling , no one mentions the fact that one of their side-effects is tendency to increase suicidal thoughts/tendencies .

when you are at the depths of your sorrow  and depression it distorts everything nothing seems good or there being a chance of happiness ever. I understand you really relied on your friend at that low point but you really need to be fair to her now she needs to deal with her life problems too. hopefully you can wean off the antidepressents now whilst joining sangat for nitnem at gurdwara or in local family/friends home both would be  positive moves for your mental health. You need connection rather than meds .

Eat well, nutritious foods will help rebalance your blood chemistry and feed your gut biome which will decrease the depressive effect of gut dysbyosis caused by meds and bad diet. Try joining a gym to build up your production of endorphins and eliminate cortisol effect on your body whilst perhaps socialising.

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Guest Singh

Appreciate all the responses.

 

The fact that she is now married is it wrong to hope the friendship gets better?

 

I feel like I will be judged now because of our community mentality even though my intentions are good

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6 hours ago, Guest Singh said:

Appreciate all the responses.

 

The fact that she is now married is it wrong to hope the friendship gets better?

 

I feel like I will be judged now because of our community mentality even though my intentions are good

KUCH TO COMMUNITY KAHEGI,

COMMUNITY KA KAAM HAI KEHNA,

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16 hours ago, Guest Singh said:

Appreciate all the responses.

 

The fact that she is now married is it wrong to hope the friendship gets better?

 

I feel like I will be judged now because of our community mentality even though my intentions are good

 

Don't worry about it, Maharaj knows your intentions and what other people say doesn't matter. 

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Guest guest

if you care about her you will leave her alone, because you will want her to be happy.

she's married now, it's not appropriate for you to want any kind of communication with her.

i think you need to get out more and mix with more women.  when you find someone else you will forget about her.

 

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11 hours ago, Guest guest said:

if you care about her you will leave her alone, because you will want her to be happy.

she's married now, it's not appropriate for you to want any kind of communication with her.

i think you need to get out more and mix with more women.  when you find someone else you will forget about her.

 

Married women are Humans too.... they have friends too.... 

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13 hours ago, Amit12 said:

Married women are Humans too.... they have friends too.... 

not male ones.  same, married men don't have female friends.  its inappropriate.

what are you, 12 years old?  

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On 12/10/2018 at 6:20 AM, Guest guest said:

not male ones.  same, married men don't have female friends.  its inappropriate.

what are you, 12 years old?  

LOL. it just shows how closed minded you are.... Running away from anything is not the solution... Being in worldly people/relations/idkWhat and Still Controlling yourself is a Gurmukh.

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