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Redoptics

Punjabi or Sikhi breaking ties with in-laws

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From certain people I was told now your marriage is over through the passing of my wife, that your ties to the family are now broken and I should not communicate, go over to the house etc.

So my question is this what happens or is this a punjabi way of thought or is this taught to us through Guru Grant Sahib Ji?

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13 minutes ago, Redoptics said:

From certain people I was told now your marriage is over through the passing of my wife, that your ties to the family are now broken and I should not communicate, go over to the house etc.

So my question is this what happens or is this a punjabi way of thought or is this taught to us through Guru Grant Sahib Ji?

you have history with those people , you called them  mum and dad and gave them love and respect , why should that stop just because of your partner's death ? It would be a pretty cold and hard hearted person to reject them just because of that . Do what your heart and mind tells you , from what you said your wife was a fantastic person who loved everyone in her life so would  probaly want you to look after her folks (meaning doing sukh dukh and helping them if they needed it) just as she would have done if matters had been reversed .This is the sikh viewpoint . the other cold calculating way sounds more like something from old punjabiat where female's relatives have no value to start with .

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6 minutes ago, jkvlondon said:

you have history with those people , you called them  mum and dad and gave them love and respect , why should that stop just because of your partner's death ? It would be a pretty cold and hard hearted person to reject them just because of that . Do what your heart and mind tells you , from what you said your wife was a fantastic person who loved everyone in her life so would  probaly want you to look after her folks (meaning doing sukh dukh and helping them if they needed it) just as she would have done if matters had been reversed .This is the sikh viewpoint . the other cold calculating way sounds more like something from old punjabiat where female's relatives have no value to start with .

My view point totally,  thank you for the clarification. 

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1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

Break ties with the idiots who gave you that advice, lol.

Wanted to break more than ties, when they mentioned it to be honest lol but wanted to know is this the general consensus.

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It's an interesting subject, one that people just brush under the carpet (as is the way with most things when someone passes away in our community). 

My wife's mother passed away recently and my wife doesn't want to stay in touch with her Nanke, she say's that if my "mum's not here then what's the point of me keeping up my relationship with them, I was related to them through her." I find the whole thing ridiculous, we put a lot of time and effort into building up relationships and maintaining them, to throw them away just because the person that links you to them has gone just seems wrong and speaks more about your character as a human being than anything else.

Personally, I would stay in touch, grief is a strange thing, the more we support each other through it the better, her family probably need you around to process their grief and vice versa, ignore what society say's, that's the only way we'll get rid of these inane traditions.

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13 minutes ago, kcmidlands said:

It's an interesting subject, one that people just brush under the carpet (as is the way with most things when someone passes away in our community). 

My wife's mother passed away recently and my wife doesn't want to stay in touch with her Nanke, she say's that if my "mum's not here then what's the point of me keeping up my relationship with them, I was related to them through her." I find the whole thing ridiculous, we put a lot of time and effort into building up relationships and maintaining them, to throw them away just because the person that links you to them has gone just seems wrong and speaks more about your character as a human being than anything else.

Personally, I would stay in touch, grief is a strange thing, the more we support each other through it the better, her family probably need you around to process their grief and vice versa, ignore what society say's, that's the only way we'll get rid of these inane traditions.

I am around theirs for the weekend,  so yeah Im staying in touch, plus if they need owt they know Ill try and help, if I can 

Edited by Redoptics

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5 hours ago, Redoptics said:

From certain people I was told now your marriage is over through the passing of my wife, that your ties to the family are now broken and I should not communicate, go over to the house etc.

So my question is this what happens or is this a punjabi way of thought or is this taught to us through Guru Grant Sahib Ji?

this is a question a robot would ask if it was trying to learn human behaviour

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26 minutes ago, Redoptics said:

I am around theirs for the weekend,  so yeah Im staying in touch, plus if they need owt they know Ill try and help, if I can 

It's a very personal thing fella, more credit to you and your character that your willing to be there for them, when something like this happens in a family people always come out of the woodwork with their "advice", as hard as it may be, you have to maintain your composure and not give in and give them the reaction they are looking for.

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It's interesting how widows are still expected to be defer to and do sewa of her husband's folks when he is gone and yet it is regarded as optional to the guys in the vice versa scenario in Punjabiyat . As far as I know Guru Ram Das ji still did sewa and looked after Mata ji after Guru Amar Das's passing . In modern parlance he would have been considered Ghar da Jiwai  and looked down on somehow , this is madness since they gave him a home and love when he was all alone in the world.

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1 hour ago, kcmidlands said:

It's a very personal thing fella, more credit to you and your character that your willing to be there for them, when something like this happens in a family people always come out of the woodwork with their "advice", as hard as it may be, you have to maintain your composure and not give in and give them the reaction they are looking for.

One thing i did learn from all this who the 'friend's' really are i thought i had loads but in reality  that is not the case even those so called friend 'brother's' you have known all your life.

Edited by Redoptics

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1 hour ago, mahandulai said:

this is a question a robot would ask if it was trying to learn human behaviour

Do you know many robots?

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9 hours ago, Redoptics said:

From certain people I was told now your marriage is over through the passing of my wife, that your ties to the family are now broken and I should not communicate, go over to the house etc.

So my question is this what happens or is this a punjabi way of thought or is this taught to us through Guru Grant Sahib Ji?

Quite a thought provoking topic of discussion. I would say do what the heart feels. 

I have also heard this and believe it to be true to an extent. At the end of the day. Our closest bond is with our kids wife ect. Extended family will look out for themselves. So its best you look out for yourself. 

We may try and say we are all family. But when it comes to the crunch we are closest to our immediate family and they are the priority not distant relatives. 

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10 hours ago, Redoptics said:

From certain people I was told now your marriage is over through the passing of my wife, that your ties to the family are now broken and I should not communicate, go over to the house etc.

So my question is this what happens or is this a punjabi way of thought or is this taught to us through Guru Grant Sahib Ji?

It is up to you if you want to break ties or not.

The reasoning behind is that your folks will try to get you re-married, they would want you to move on with your life.

If you are too attached, you will not be able to move on.

And the specific relatives that push to move on, the womenfolk such as your mother's and sisters. 

That is from a Punjabi point of view. 

From a Sikh point of view, attachment is a vice.

 

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